The Works of Ben Jonson/Volume 6/A Tale of a Tub/Act I/Scene I

by Ben Jonson

A TALE OF A TUB.

 

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ACT I. SCENE I.

Totten Court.

Before lady Tub's House.

Enter canon Hugh.

 Hugh. Now on my faith, old bishop Valentine,
You have brought us nipping weather—Februere
Doth cut and shear—your day and diocese
Are very cold. All your parishioners,
As well your laics as your quiristers,
Had need to keep to their warm feather beds,
If they be sped of loves:^[1] this is no season,
To seek new makes in; though sir Hugh of Pancras
Be hither come to Totten, on intelligence,
To the young lord of the manor, 'squire Tripoly,
On such an errand as a mistress is.
What, 'squire! I say.—[calls.] Tub I should call him too:
Sir Peter Tub was his father, a saltpetre-man;
Who left his mother, lady Tub of Totten-
Court, here, to revel, and keep open house in;
With the young 'squire her son, and's governor Basket-
Hilts, both by sword and dagger: [calls again.] Domine,
Armiger Tub, 'squire Tripoly! Expergiscere!
I dare not call aloud lest she should hear me,
And think I conjured up the spirit, her son,
In priest's lack-Latin: O she is jealous
Of all mankind for him.

 Tub. [appears at the window] Canon, is't you?

 Hugh. The vicar of Pancras, 'squire Tub! wa'hoh!

 Tub. I come, I stoop unto the call, sir Hugh!

 Hugh. He knows my lure is from his love, fair Awdrey,
The high constable's daughter of Kentish-town here, master
Tobias Turfe.

Enter Tub in his night-gown.

 Tub. What news of him?

 Hugh. He has waked me
An hour before I would, sir; and my duty
To the young worship of Totten-Court, 'squire Tripoly;
Who hath my heart, as I have his: Your mistress
Is to be made away from you this morning,
St. Valentine's day: there are a knot of clowns,
The council of Finsbury, so they are styled,
Met at her father's; all the wise of the hundred;
Old Rasi' Clench of Hamstead, petty constable,
In-and-In Medlay, cooper of Islington,
And headborough; with loud To-Pan the tinker,
Or metal-man of Belsise, the thirdborough;^[2]
And D'ogenes Scriben, the great writer of Chalcot.

 Tub. And why all these?

 Hugh. Sir, to conclude in council,
A husband or a make for mistress Awdrey;
Whom they have named and pricked down, Clay of Kilborn,
A tough young fellow, and a tilemaker.

 Tub. And what must he do?

 Hugh. Cover her, they say;
And keep her warm, sir: mistress Awdrey Turfe,
Last night did draw him for her Valentine;
Which chance, it hath so taken her father and mother,
(Because themselves drew so on Valentine's eve
Was thirty year,) as they will have her married
To-day by any means; they have sent a messenger
To Kilborn, post, for Clay; which when I knew,
I posted with the like to worshipful Tripoly,
The squire of Totten: and my advice to cross it.

 Tub. What is't, sir Hugh?

 Hugh. Where is your governor Hilts?
Basket must do it.

 Tub. Basket shall be call'd.—
[Aloud.Hilts! can you see to rise?

 Hilts. [appears at the window.] Cham not blind, sir,
With too much light.

 Tub. Open your t'other eye,
And view if it be day.

 Hilts. Che can spy that
At's little a hole as another, through a milstone.
[Exit above. 

 Tub He will have the last word, though he talk bilk for't.^[3]

 Hugh Bilk! what's that?

 Tub. Why, nothing; a word signifying
Nothing; and borrowed here to express nothing.

 Hugh. A fine device!

 Tub. Yes, till we hear a finer.
What's your device now, canon Hugh?

 Hugh. In private,
Lend it your ear; I will not trust the air with it,
Or scarce my shirt; my cassock shall not know it;
If I thought it did I'd burn it.

 Tub. That's the way,
You have thought to get a new one, Hugh: is't worth it?
Let's hear it first.

 Hugh. Then hearken, and receive it.
[Whispers him.
This 'tis, sir. Do you relish it?

Enter Hilts, and walks by, making himself ready.

 Tub. If Hilts Be close enough to carry it; there's all.

 Hilts. It is no sand, nor butter-milk: if it be,
Ich'am no zive, or watering-pot, to draw
Knots i' your 'casions. If you trust me, zo!
If not, praform it your zelves. Cham no man's wife,
But resolute Hilts: you'll vind me in the buttry.
[Exit.

 Tub. A testy, but a tender clown as wool,
And melting as the weather in a thaw!
He'll weep you like all April; but he'll roar you
Like middle March afore: he will be as mellow,
And tipsy too, as October; and as grave
And bound up like a frost (with the new year)
In January; as rigid as he is rustic.

 Hugh. You know his nature, and describe it well;
I'll leave him to your fashioning.

 Tub. Stay, sir Hugh;
Take a good angel with you for your guide;
[Gives him a piece of money.
And let this guard you homeward, as the blessing
[Exit.To our device.

 Hugh. I thank you, 'squire's worship,
Most humbly—for the next; for this I am sure of.
O for a quire of these voices, now,
To chime in a man's pocket, and cry chink!
One doth not chirp, it makes no harmony.
Grave justice Bramble next must contribute;
His charity must offer at this wedding:
I'll bid more to the bason and the bride-ale,
Although but one can bear away the bride.
I smile to think how like a lottery
These weddings are. Clay hath her in possession,
The 'squire he hopes to circumvent the Tile-kiln;
And now, if justice Bramble do come off,^[4]
'Tis two to one but Tub may lose his bottom.
[Exit. 

1. If they be sped of loves:] i. e. already furnished with makes or mates; for then they need not rise early to find a Valentine. The good "old bishop" is somewhat oddly selected for the patron of this amatory device, as all that seems known of him is that he suffered martyrdom in the third century. Lady Tub, however, in the concluding scene of this act, gives a full, and, indeed, an elegant description of his virtues, as they are found perhaps in the Legend. It is probable that his name occupied, in the Calendar, the place of some heathen divinity, whose rites were thus celebrated; for the origin of the practice is lost in remote antiquity.
   ⁠This pretty superstition exists in almost every part of the continent, as well as in England; and long may it continue to do so! The affectation of superior wisdom has shamed the people out of too many of those innocent follies, and left their places to be supplied by grossness and vice.
2. The thirdborough;] I know not how this officer was distinguished from the constable, unless by name. In the old divisions of municipal power, he was the third in rank in the decennary or tithing. In the Dramatis Personæ, Jonson enumerates every civil officer from the justice to the high constable's man. The thirdborough is mentioned by the hostess in Taming the Shrew, to intimidate the refractory Sly: "I know my remedy: I must go fetch the thirdborough."
3. Though he talk bilk] I have mislaid my examples of the use of this word, as explained by squire Tub. It seems to have become a cant term about this time, for the use of it is ridiculed by others as well as Jonson. It is thus explained in Coles' English Dict. "Bilk, nothing; also, to deceive."
   ⁠In "Davenant Vindicated," a burlesque poem, the meaning is thus expressed:
   "Some say by Avenant no place is meant,
   And that our Lombard is without descent,
   And as, by bilk, men mean there's nothing there,
   So come from Avenant, means from no-where."
   
   
4. If justice Bramble do come off.] i  e. pay well. See Massinger, vol. i. p. 210.