OMRLP general election manifesto 2001
GENERAL ELECTION 2001 MANIFESTO
ENVIRONMENT, TRANSPORT & REGIONS
Under a Loony government any prospective home purchaser be issued with a full description of such dictionary terms as 'floodplain', 'coastal erosion' and 'exposed headland'. This will save time explaining why they have no house anymore after nature takes charge of the environment.
In addition to this policy, building on floodplains in future will be restricted to large houseboats with recoiling tethers like dog leads. These houses will be able to float up with the floodwater and land safely again in the same place when the water subsides.
To prevent a fuel crisis and help farmers we will work together with Volkswagen to produce a new car which runs on farmyard effluent. We propose to call this new car the 'Dung Beetle'.
Every car owner should be given a horse to tow it in case of fuel crises.
On the driving test learners will at least be able to phone one friend, take a fifty fifty choice of route or ask the other drivers in the traffic jam for advice.
Under 21 drivers will be restricted to Reliant Robins & 2CVs in a bid to reduce accidents involving 'boy racers'. In order to stop motorway congestion - We'll Close Them!
All bus shelters will have central heating. This will be turned on full in summer and off in the winter, just like the buses.
In the interest of safety, all Cross Channel Ferry crews will be made to wear flares.
We will really do something about the north-south divide. We will place labels in the extremities of the country, like Lands End, and John O'Groats, and then fold tab 'K' (Kent) into slot 'M' (Merseyside), and fold tab 'C' (Cornwall) into slot 'W' (The Wash), finally, folding tab 'J' (John O'Groats) into slot 'S' (the Severn Estuary), and end up with an interesting bit of Origami. After sticking a pin in the middle around Birmingham, we'll make a nice rosette to wear at party campaign meetings.
Alternative policy: The north / south divide should become a more complicated mathematical equation rather than a simple division. We suggest a square root.
Down in the south of Britain there is invariably a water ban during the three weeks of sunshine. To the north of Britain there is a Loch which purports to hold an unknown (or possibly known) animal. We'll drain the Loch ... pipe the water down ... two mysteries solved!
EUROPEAN COMMUNITY & LAW
We'll continue to trade with Europe, but we'll keep our British way of life.
We will Close the Channel Tunnel, Recall all our Euro MP’s, reinstate the Gallon and dispose of the Kilogram. We like our Loony weights which aren't divisible by ten. If the Europeans can't cope with anything other than decimal, then let them stay in Europe.
In keeping with the European position on everyone carrying Identity cards, it's proposed that a law be introduced compelling everyone to carry very small mirrors so that when asked they can look in the mirror and identify themselves.
CULTURE, MEDIA & SPORT
The Mayor of London stirred up the nation by suggesting that we replace statues in more prominent locations with better known figures.
As Screaming Lord Sutch was the longest serving party leader in British political history, we propose that he take pride of place atop a new Sutch's Column in the center of Trafalgar Square.
To compliment this we also suggest the square be renamed Official Monster Raving Loony Square.
We believe that a Monty Python Ministry of Silly Walks should be put in place. There will, of course, be a uniform which comprises of bowler hat, black suit, white shirt, black tie, shiny black shoes and a black umbrella that never gets used. Oh and don't forget the black briefcase.
We'll replace the current national anthem with 'Do the Funky Gibbon' by the Goodies. This is a more lively anthem than our current one.
The Loonies plan to hire Japanese origami experts to fold the millennium dome roof into the shape of an elephant to reflect this amazing national phenomena being a white elephant. If we're really lucky we could even sell it to an American city in Arizona, where it can be rebuilt alongside the Colorado river under the expectation that it's really the Millennium Wheel laying on its side.
Hat wearing will be encouraged by abolishing VAT on headwear.
This will also help revive the UK's ailing millinery industry. It will be illegal for bald people not to wear a hat in public. This will prevent accidents caused by sunlight reflecting into the eyes of unsuspecting aircraft pilots.
This idea will also be extended into the Houses of Parliament.
The speaker in The Commons will have the power to make unruly MP’s stand in the corner for ten minutes, wearing a pointy hat with a big 'D' on it.
There should be a national debate on the subject of why there is only one female Smurf.
We intend to pressure the organizers of the Olympics to include: The Egg and Spoon Race, The Three Legged Race, The Sack Race ... and of course we could revive that old favourite . . . The Annual Witchducking Championships. (Which was abandoned 400 years ago due to contestants drinking too much).
Hunting with dogs will be made fairer by allowing only one dog per fox.
Additionally the dogs used are too agile to give the fox a fighting chance.
The use of Old English Sheepdogs (couldn't really see the fox properly) and Dachshunds (stubby legs and liable to grounding) would even the odds considerably.
A committee will be set up to discover why Britain always has a useless sports team. Genetic modification will be used for the benefit of the country to produce top quality athletes and show all the ex British colonies how dumb they are.
The problem with football hooligans isn't how to stop them getting out of the country, it's how to stop them getting back in. We don't want them anyway.
Supporting Man Utd is to be a criminal offense, if you were born south of Crewe.
We'll introduce fruit machines where you put a lemon in the slot to try and line up three of the same coinage, in order to win more lemons.
EDUCATION & EMPLOYMENT
We'll make class sizes smaller by standing kids closer together & giving them smaller desks.
Schools will be instructed to concentrate on the four Rs: Reading, Writing, Rock & Rave.
Any MP who's constituency sells off a school playing field to developers will be required to relinquish his/her own back garden as a replacement sports facility for the school.
We intend to make free university tuition available to all students named Grant.
Children who bunk off school will be ordered to do community service as truancy officers. Due to the decline in educational standards and vocabulary, it will be made law that every child should make up a new word everyday and use it when talking to their mother.
Potentially, English can develop 21,900,000,000 words in a single year if everyone follows this policy, thus enriching our language.
Free Viagra will be made available for the over 69s. Under 69s will get a secondary effect from this policy.
We propose to double the NHS bed capacity by building giant mirrors alongside every hospital. Duplicate staff to man the new hospitals will automatically accompany this policy.
Smiling and laughing with patients will be made compulsory by ward staff, as this will encourage faster recovery (A Laughing Patient Is A Recovering Patient).
To facilitate a moral uplift for nurses the ridiculous paper mountain they have to wade through on each patient's admission will be reduced to a couple of single sheet forms, with unduplicated questions which only relate to the reason for being there.
Until this policy can be fully implemented, we'll require a tree to be planted for every patient admitted to hospital so that the current paper usage can be replaced.
Free prescriptions will be made available for all. It shouldn't cost anyone to be sick.
Happiness is the key to a successful life... and its the small things in life that will keep us happy, we therefore feel it's imperative that sweets, chocolates and small cakes should be made freely available on the NHS.
We believe that all doctors, whether trained in Britain or overseas, should be made to take a course in basic spoken English, rather than their native Medicalese, as well as training in readable handwriting, as opposed to Scrawlese.
HOME OFFICE + DISORDER
Our policy on Asylum Seekers is simple, the asylums should be better sign-posted. Anyone using a mobile phone in public will be in danger of being 'silly stringed'. Any member of the public will, at their own convenience and pleasure, be able to carry and use at their discretion cans of squirty silly string on anyone they hear using a mobile phone.
The implementation of On-The-Spot penalties on rowdy drinkers should be implemented with a difference. Instead of marching the penniless drunks to a Cashpoint machine, they will be marched to designated electro-magnetic metal discs in the town square. After dressing the louts in padlocked metal soled boots, they will be rooted to the spot a safe distance from each other. At this point they can verbally release all their aggression until they are suitably sober.
We have the right to remain silent on the remainder of this issue as anything we say may be used against us.
The Loonies propose that a minimum requirement of Maths 'O' Level be made for all government ministers and their treasury advisers, thereby preventing two different rates of inflation when used to calculate raises in both state benefits and taxes.
We'll eliminate the Black Economy by shining a light on it.
We'll encourage provision of cash machines with a little flap. From this flap your money will be passed to you by the hand of a bank employee, for that personal touch.
All third world debt will be canceled. They're not going to pay anyway. You know that. I know that. Don't deny it.
AGRICULTURE, FISHERIES & FOOD
It's proposed that a law be passed making all GM foods illegal.
They should stick to what they do best
....MAKING MOTOR CARS
We'll clean up the fishing industry because it stinks. FOOD
Free range chickens will be issued with free range rovers. Wensleydale cheese will be made a protected species.
MINISTRY OF DEFENCE
All bombs ; guns should be kept in the fringe to stop them going off.
MINISTRY OF PETS
All animals will have the same rights to cross the roads as zebras, pelicans & puffins.
Electronic pets will be allowed a proxy vote by email.
All dogs will be fitted with nappies to stop them pooing all over parks etc.
DEPT OF TRADE & INDUSTRY
All fast food burger outlets will be banned under the trading standards act. Its not beef in those burgers, it's cardboard.