The Tailor-Made Girl/Herbert L. S. Montague Swell
HERBERT L S. MONTAGUE SWELL, M.D.
Fashionable Physician (office hours from 9 to 10.30 a.m.).—Buttons, is the new coachman below?
Physician.—Tell him to have the coupé before the door at 10.30. Walk the horses up and down the block, stopping occasionally before the door, till I come out.
Physician.—Who are outside?
Buttons.—Two men, a woman, and a lady, sir! Here's her card!
Physician.—Show her in!
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Physician (rising).—My dear Mrs. Hysteria, I should be delighted to see you this morning, if I did not fear that your call means a return of your old enemy. Yes? I thought so, and I may say that I have expected it! I noticed at the Meredith dinner, last week, how very fragile you were looking. You are not the woman, physically, to be the society leader that you are. Your temperament is too sensitive, your nervous system too delicately organized to stand the strain. Other women do it? Of course they do, my dear madam, but other women are not you! We do not expect the same wear from a delicate piece of Sèvres porcelain that we do from Ohio delf. You must take care of yourself! I've written out a prescription, a light tonic, which I want you to take every day, at eleven and three, in a glass of old Port. Don't come out in such inclement weather again! I will stop to-morrow as I drive by, and next week, if you are not stronger, I shall send you to Hollywood or Old Point. Good morning; remember to take care of yourself!
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Physician.—Next card, Buttons! Ah, yes; show the young man in! (remains seated.) Ah, from the Daily Bulletin, to inquire after Mr. Trillion? Yes? Just sit down a moment, please, and I'll write out what I wish said. A physician is quite apt to be misquoted, (writes a few moments.) There—this is all that is necessary, (reads.) " A reporter of the Daily Bulletin visited Dr. Swell this morning, to obtain the latest and most authentic report of the Hon. A. B. 0. Trillion's condition. The eminent physician was found at his home, No. 3 West —th Street, taking a brief rest after his long vigil, nearly the whole of the preceding night having been passed at the bedside of his distinguished patient. He left him resting easy, pulse and respiration nearly normal, the remedies used during the night having produced the expected beneficial effect. Dr. Swell does not deny that the situation is extremely critical, and one calling for the most assiduous skill, but he is of the opinion that unless some serious complications develop, Mr. Trillion's malady will be controlled by medical science." That gives a correct idea of the situation. See that it goes in as written. Good morning!
Physician (remains seated).—Well, my good woman, what is it? H'm yes; yours is a hospital dispensary case. I am a specialist, not a general practitioner, and I really can do nothing for you. Go to 450 West —th Street, and you can get some remedies for your child. Good morning!
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Physician (taking another card from Buttons).—Show the lady in at once! (rises, and crosses room to meet her.) My dear Miss Budrose, this is indeed a pleasure! Take this chair—no, not that one; this low one near the fire! How very nice of you to pay me this morning call! Don't tell me you have come professionally; you are quite too blooming for that! No, indeed! I thought not! If you ever are ill, don't send for me! I really couldn't come, you know! The responsibility would be too great! I should have all New York clubdom besieging my doors! What's that?—stop my nonsense and listen to you seriously? Why, my dear Miss Violet, of course I will; what can I do for you? Oh, what a noble scheme! And you young ladies are really undertaking, quite by yourselves, to establish a Fund to erect a cupola over the Heel and Toe Hospital? Indeed, you must let me put my name down for fifty dollars, at least! Must you go so soon? My regards to dear Mrs. Budrose! Is her neuralgia less severe? No? I had better stop a moment as I pass today! Coming to your ball to-morrow night? Of course I am; and beware how you fill up your card before I see it! Good morning,. Miss Violet; so charmed to see you! Good morning!
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Physician (to next visitor).—Why, Goldspoon, my dear fellow, how are you? Not very well? Oh, I guess not; a little overworked, that's all! You'll have to put on the brakes for a while! It's all very well to be a brilliant young lawyer; but it's all very ill to be a brilliant young lawyer at the expense of your health. Think you smoke too much? How many? Fifteen cigars a day, with cigarettes between? Well, you might cut down that allowance somewhat; but what you really need is less brain toil! It would be a good thing to take a run over to the Biviera, or South. I shall be near your father's house to-day, and I'll drop in and see him a few minutes. Between us, I guess we can patch you up. Good morning!
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Physician.—Eleven o'clock! I must be off! Buttons, my overcoat and case of instruments! See if Michael is at the curb! Say to any wlio calls to-day that I am detained at the Trillion residence! (darts out in great haste.) Drive very rapidly, Michael, to — Fifth Avenue!
[Jumps into coupé, and the horses clatter down the block with such a noise and dash that half the neighbors are brought to their windows—desired effect.]