The Works of Ben Jonson/Volume 6/A Tale of a Tub/Act II/Scene I
(Redirected from A Tale of a Tub (Jonson)/Act II/Scene I)
ACT II. SCENE I.
The fields near Pancras.
Enter, in procession, with ribands, rosemary and bay, Turfe, Clay, Medlay, Clench, To-Pan, Scriben, and Puppy with the bride-cake, as going to church.
Turfe. Zon Clay, cheer up, the better leg avore,
This is a veat is once done, and no more.
This is a veat is once done, and no more.
Clench. And then 'tis done vor ever, as they say.
Med. Right! vor a man has his hour, and a dog his day.
Turfe. True, neighbour Medlay, you are still
In-and-in.
In-and-in.
Med. I would be, master constable, if che could win.
Pan. I zay, John Clay keep still on his old gate:
Wedding and hanging both go at a rate,
Wedding and hanging both go at a rate,
Turfe. Well said, To-Pan; you have still the hap to hit
The nail o' the head at a close: I think there never
Marriage was managed with a more avisement,
Than was this marriage, though I say it that should not;
Especially 'gain mine own flesh and blood,
My wedded wife. Indeed my wife would ha' had
All the young batchelors, and maids forsooth,
Of the zix parishes hereabouts; but I
Cried none, sweet Sybil; none of that gear, I:
It would lick zalt, I told her, by her leave.
No, three or vour our wise, choice, honest neighbours,
Ubstantial persons, men that have born office,
And mine own family would be enough
To eat our dinner. What! dear meat's a thief;
I know it by the butchers and the market-volk.
Hum drum, I cry. No half ox in a pye:
A man that's bid to a bride-ale, if he have cake
And drink enough, he need not vear his stake.
The nail o' the head at a close: I think there never
Marriage was managed with a more avisement,
Than was this marriage, though I say it that should not;
Especially 'gain mine own flesh and blood,
My wedded wife. Indeed my wife would ha' had
All the young batchelors, and maids forsooth,
Of the zix parishes hereabouts; but I
Cried none, sweet Sybil; none of that gear, I:
It would lick zalt, I told her, by her leave.
No, three or vour our wise, choice, honest neighbours,
Ubstantial persons, men that have born office,
And mine own family would be enough
To eat our dinner. What! dear meat's a thief;
I know it by the butchers and the market-volk.
Hum drum, I cry. No half ox in a pye:
A man that's bid to a bride-ale, if he have cake
And drink enough, he need not vear his stake.
Clench. 'Tis right; he has spoke as true as a gun, believe it.
Enter dame Turfe and Awdrey, followed by Joan,
Joyce, Madge, Parnel, Grisel, and Kate,
dressed for the wedding.
Joyce, Madge, Parnel, Grisel, and Kate,
dressed for the wedding.
Turfe. Come, Sybil, come; did not I tell you o' this,
This pride and muster of women would mar all?
Six women to one daughter, and a mother!
The queen (God save her) ha' no more herself.
This pride and muster of women would mar all?
Six women to one daughter, and a mother!
The queen (God save her) ha' no more herself.
Dame T. Why, if you keep so many, master Turfe,
Why should not all present our service to her?
Why should not all present our service to her?
Turfe. Your service! good! I think you'll write to her shortly,
Your very loving and obedient mother.
Come, send your maids off, I will have them sent
Home again, wife; I love no trains of Kent,[1]
Or Christendom, as they say.
Your very loving and obedient mother.
Come, send your maids off, I will have them sent
Home again, wife; I love no trains of Kent,[1]
Or Christendom, as they say.
Joyce. We will not back,
And leave our dame.
And leave our dame.
Madge. Why should her worship lack
Her tail of maids, more than you do of men?
Her tail of maids, more than you do of men?
Turfe. What, mutining, Madge?
Joan. Zend back your clowns agen,
And we will vollow.
And we will vollow.
All. Else we'll guard our dame.
Turfe. I ha' zet the nest of wasps all on a flame.
Dame T. Come, you are such another, master Turfe,
A clod you should be call'd, of a high constable:
To let no music go afore your child
To church, to chear her heart up this cold morning!
A clod you should be call'd, of a high constable:
To let no music go afore your child
To church, to chear her heart up this cold morning!
Turfe. You are for father Rosin and his consort
Of fiddling boys, the great Feates and the less;
Because you have entertain'd them all from Highgate.
To shew your pomp, you'd have your daughters and maids
Dance o'er the fields like faies to church, this frost.
I'll have no rondels, I, in the queen's paths;
Let 'em scrape the gut at home, where they have fill'd it,
At afternoon.
Of fiddling boys, the great Feates and the less;
Because you have entertain'd them all from Highgate.
To shew your pomp, you'd have your daughters and maids
Dance o'er the fields like faies to church, this frost.
I'll have no rondels, I, in the queen's paths;
Let 'em scrape the gut at home, where they have fill'd it,
At afternoon.
Dame T. I'll have them play at dinner.
Clench. She is in the right, sir; vor your wedding-dinner
Is starv'd without the music.
Is starv'd without the music.
Med. If the pies
Come not in piping hot, you have lost that proverb.
Come not in piping hot, you have lost that proverb.
Turfe. I yield to truth: wife, are you sussified?
Pan. A right good man! when he knows right, he loves it.
Scri. And he will know't and shew't too by his place
Of being high constable, if no where else.
Of being high constable, if no where else.
Enter Hilts, with a false beard, booted and spurred.
Hilts. Well overtaken, gentlemen! I pray you
Which is the queen's high constable among you?
Which is the queen's high constable among you?
Pup. The tallest man; who should be else, do you think?
Hilts. It is no matter what I think, young clown;
Your answer savours of the cart.
Your answer savours of the cart.
Pup. How! cart
And clown! do you know whose team you speak to?
And clown! do you know whose team you speak to?
Hilts. No, nor I care not: Whose jade may you be?
Pup. Jade! cart! and clown! O for a lash of whip-cord,
Three knotted cord!
Three knotted cord!
Hilts. Do you mutter! sir, snorle this way,
That I may hear, and answer what you say,
With my school-dagger 'bout your costard, sir.
Look to't, young growse: I'll lay it on, and sure;
[Draws his sword.Take't off who wull.
That I may hear, and answer what you say,
With my school-dagger 'bout your costard, sir.
Look to't, young growse: I'll lay it on, and sure;
[Draws his sword.Take't off who wull.
Clench. Nay, 'pray you, gentleman———
Hilts. Go to, I will not bate him an ace on't.
What rowly-powly, maple face! all fellows!
What rowly-powly, maple face! all fellows!
Pup. Do you hear, friend? I would wish you, for your good,
Tie up your brended bitch there, your dun, rusty,
Pannier-hilt poniard; and not vex the youth
With shewing the teeth of it. We now are going
To church in way of matrimony, some on us;
They ha' rung all in a' ready. If it had not,
All the horn-beasts are grazing in this close
Should not have pull'd me hence, till this ash-plant
Had rung noon on your pate,[2] master Broombeard.
Tie up your brended bitch there, your dun, rusty,
Pannier-hilt poniard; and not vex the youth
With shewing the teeth of it. We now are going
To church in way of matrimony, some on us;
They ha' rung all in a' ready. If it had not,
All the horn-beasts are grazing in this close
Should not have pull'd me hence, till this ash-plant
Had rung noon on your pate,[2] master Broombeard.
Hilts. That I would fain zee, quoth the blind George
Of Holloway: come, sir.
Of Holloway: come, sir.
Awd. O their naked weapons!
Pan. For the passion of man, hold gentleman and Puppy.
Clay. Murder, O murder!
Awd. O my father and mother!
Dame T. Husband, what do you mean? son Clay, for God's sake———
Turfe. I charge you in the queen's name, keep the peace.
Hilts. Tell me o' no queen or keysar; I must have
A leg or a hanch of him ere I go.
A leg or a hanch of him ere I go.
Med. But, zir,
You must obey the queen's high officers.
You must obey the queen's high officers.
Hilts. Why must I, goodman Must?
Med. You must an' you wull.
Turfe. Gentleman, I am here for fault, high constable———
Hilts. Are you zo! what then?
Turfe. I pray you, sir, put up
Your weapons; do, at my request: for him,
On my authority, he shall lie by the heels,
Verbatim continente, an I live.
Your weapons; do, at my request: for him,
On my authority, he shall lie by the heels,
Verbatim continente, an I live.
Dame T. Out on him for a knave, what a dead fright
He has put me into! come, Awdrey, do not shake.
He has put me into! come, Awdrey, do not shake.
Awd. But is not Puppy hurt, nor the t'other man?
Clay. No bun; but had not I cried murder, I wuss———
Pup. Sweet goodman Clench, I pray you revise my master,
I may not zit in the stocks till the wedding be past,
Dame, mistress Awdrey: I shall break the bridecake else.
I may not zit in the stocks till the wedding be past,
Dame, mistress Awdrey: I shall break the bridecake else.
Clench. Zomething must be to save authority, Puppy.
Dame T. Husband———
Clench. And gossip———
Awd. Father———
Turfe. 'Treat me not,
It is in vain. If he lie not by the heels,
I'll lie there for 'un; I will teach the hind
To carry a tongue in his head to his superiors.
It is in vain. If he lie not by the heels,
I'll lie there for 'un; I will teach the hind
To carry a tongue in his head to his superiors.
Hilts. This's a wise constable! where keeps he school?
Clench. In Kentish-town; a very survere man.
Hilts. But as survere as he is, let me, sir, tell him,
He shall not lay his man by the heels for this.
This was my quarrel; and by his office' leave,
If it carry 'un for this, it shall carry double;
Vor he shall carry me too.
He shall not lay his man by the heels for this.
This was my quarrel; and by his office' leave,
If it carry 'un for this, it shall carry double;
Vor he shall carry me too.
Turfe. Breath of man!
He is my chattel, mine own hired goods:
An if you do abet 'un in this matter,
I'll clap you both by the heels, ankle to ankle.
He is my chattel, mine own hired goods:
An if you do abet 'un in this matter,
I'll clap you both by the heels, ankle to ankle.
Hilts. You'll clap a dog of wax as soon, old Blurt.[3]
Come, spare not me, sir, I am no man's wife;
I care not I, sir, not three skips of a louse for you,
An you were ten tall constables, not I.
Come, spare not me, sir, I am no man's wife;
I care not I, sir, not three skips of a louse for you,
An you were ten tall constables, not I.
Turfe. Nay, pray you, sir, be not angry, but content;
My man shall make you what amends you'll ask 'un.
My man shall make you what amends you'll ask 'un.
Hilts. Let 'un mend his manners then, and know his betters;
It's all I ask 'un: and 'twill be his own,
And's master's too another day; che vore 'un.
It's all I ask 'un: and 'twill be his own,
And's master's too another day; che vore 'un.
Med. As right as a club still! Zure this angry man
Speaks very near the mark when he is pleased.
Speaks very near the mark when he is pleased.
Pup. I thank you, sir, an' I meet you at Kentish town,
I ha' the courtesy o' the hundred for you.
I ha' the courtesy o' the hundred for you.
Hilts. Gramercy, good high constable's hind! But hear you?
Mass constable, I have other manner of matter
To bring you about than this. And so it is,
I do belong to one of the queen's captains,
A gentleman o' the field, one captain Thums,
I know not whether you know 'un, or no: it may be
You do, and it may be you do not again.
Mass constable, I have other manner of matter
To bring you about than this. And so it is,
I do belong to one of the queen's captains,
A gentleman o' the field, one captain Thums,
I know not whether you know 'un, or no: it may be
You do, and it may be you do not again.
Turfe. No, I assure you on my constableship, I do not know 'un.
[Aside. Hilts. Nor I neither, i' faith.—
It skills not[4] much; my captain and myself
Having occasion to come riding by here
This morning, at the corner of St. John's wood,
Some mile [west] o' this town, were set upon
By a sort of country-fellows, that not only
Beat us, but robb'd us most sufficiently,
And bound us to our behaviour hand and foot;
And so they left us. Now, don constable,
I am to charge you in her majesty's name,
As you will answer it at your apperil,[5]
That forthwith you raise hue and cry in the hundred,
For all such persons as you can despect,
By the length and breadth of your office: for I tell you,
The loss is of some value; therefore look to't.
Having occasion to come riding by here
This morning, at the corner of St. John's wood,
Some mile [west] o' this town, were set upon
By a sort of country-fellows, that not only
Beat us, but robb'd us most sufficiently,
And bound us to our behaviour hand and foot;
And so they left us. Now, don constable,
I am to charge you in her majesty's name,
As you will answer it at your apperil,[5]
That forthwith you raise hue and cry in the hundred,
For all such persons as you can despect,
By the length and breadth of your office: for I tell you,
The loss is of some value; therefore look to't.
Turfe. As fortune mend me now, or any office
Of a thousand pound, if I know what to zay,
Would I were dead, or vaire hang'd up at Tyburn,
If I do know what course to take, or how
To turn myself just at this time too, now
My daughter is to be married! I'll but go
To Pancridge-church hard by, and return instantly,
And all my neighbourhood shall go about it.
Of a thousand pound, if I know what to zay,
Would I were dead, or vaire hang'd up at Tyburn,
If I do know what course to take, or how
To turn myself just at this time too, now
My daughter is to be married! I'll but go
To Pancridge-church hard by, and return instantly,
And all my neighbourhood shall go about it.
Hilts. Tut, Pancridge me no Pancridge! if you let it
Slip, you will answer it, an your cap be of wool;
[Going.Therefore take heed, you'll feel the smart else, constable.
Slip, you will answer it, an your cap be of wool;
[Going.Therefore take heed, you'll feel the smart else, constable.
Turfe. Nay, good sir, stay. Neighbours, what think you of this?
Dame T. Faith, man———
Turfe. Odds precious, woman, hold your tongue,
And mind your pigs on the spit at home; you must
Have [an] oar in every thing.—Pray you, sir, what kind
Of fellows were they?
And mind your pigs on the spit at home; you must
Have [an] oar in every thing.—Pray you, sir, what kind
Of fellows were they?
Hilts. Thieves-kind, I have told you.
Turfe. I mean, what kind of men?
Hilts. Men of our make.
Turfe. Nay, but with patience, sir: We that are officers
Must 'quire the special marks, and all the tokens
Of the despected parties; or perhaps else
Be ne'er the near of our purpose in 'prehending them.
Can you tell what 'parrel any of them wore?
Must 'quire the special marks, and all the tokens
Of the despected parties; or perhaps else
Be ne'er the near of our purpose in 'prehending them.
Can you tell what 'parrel any of them wore?
Hilts. Troth, no; there were so many o' 'em all like
So one another: now I remember me,
There was one busy fellow was their leader,
A blunt squat swad, but lower than yourself;
He had on a leather-doublet with long points,
And a pair of pinn'd-up breeches, like pudding-bags;
With yellow stockings, and his hat turn'd up
With a silver clasp on his leer side.
So one another: now I remember me,
There was one busy fellow was their leader,
A blunt squat swad, but lower than yourself;
He had on a leather-doublet with long points,
And a pair of pinn'd-up breeches, like pudding-bags;
With yellow stockings, and his hat turn'd up
With a silver clasp on his leer side.
Dame T. By these
Marks it should be John Clay, now bless the man!
Marks it should be John Clay, now bless the man!
Turfe. Peace, and be nought![6] I think the woman be phrensic.
Hilts. John Clay! what's he, good mistress?
Awd. He that shall be
My husband.
My husband.
Hilts. How! your husband, pretty one?
Awd. Yes, I shall anon be married; that is he.
Turfe. Passion o' me, undone!
Pup. Bless master's son!
Hilts. O, you are well 'prehended: know you me, sir?
Clay. No's my record; I never zaw you avore.
Hilts. You did not! where were your eyes then, out at washing?
Turfe. What should a man zay, who should he trust
In these days? Hark you, John Clay, if you have
Done any such thing, tell troth and shame the devil.
In these days? Hark you, John Clay, if you have
Done any such thing, tell troth and shame the devil.
Clench. Vaith, do; my gossip Turfe zays well to you, John.
Med. Speak, man; but do not convess, nor be avraid.
Pan. A man is a man, and a beast's a beast, look to't.
Dame T. In the name of men or beasts, what do you do?
Hare the poor fellow out on his five wits,
And seven senses! do not weep, John :Clay.
I swear the poor wretch is as guilty from it
As the child was, was born this very morning.
Hare the poor fellow out on his five wits,
And seven senses! do not weep, John :Clay.
I swear the poor wretch is as guilty from it
As the child was, was born this very morning.
Clay. No, as I am a kyrsin soul, would I were hang'd
If ever I———alas, I would I were out
Of my life; so I would I were, and in again—
If ever I———alas, I would I were out
Of my life; so I would I were, and in again—
Pup. Nay, mistress Awdrey will say nay to that;
No, in-and-out: an you were out of your life,
How should she do for a husband? who should fall
Aboard of her then?—Ball? he's a puppy!
No, Hannibal has no breeding! well, I say little;
[Aside. But hitherto all goes well, pray it prove no better.
No, in-and-out: an you were out of your life,
How should she do for a husband? who should fall
Aboard of her then?—Ball? he's a puppy!
No, Hannibal has no breeding! well, I say little;
[Aside. But hitherto all goes well, pray it prove no better.
Awd. Come, father; I would we were married! I am a-cold.
Hilts. Well, master constable, this your fine groom here,
Bridegroom, or what groom else soe'er he be,
I charge him with the felony; and charge you
To carry him back forthwith to Paddington
Unto my captain, who stays my return there:
I am to go to the next justice of peace,
To get a warrant to raise hue and cry,
And bring him and his fellows all afore 'un.
Fare you well, sir, and look to 'un, I charge you
As you will answer it. Take heed; the business
If you defer, may prejudicial you
[Exit.More than you think for; zay I told you so.
Bridegroom, or what groom else soe'er he be,
I charge him with the felony; and charge you
To carry him back forthwith to Paddington
Unto my captain, who stays my return there:
I am to go to the next justice of peace,
To get a warrant to raise hue and cry,
And bring him and his fellows all afore 'un.
Fare you well, sir, and look to 'un, I charge you
As you will answer it. Take heed; the business
If you defer, may prejudicial you
[Exit.More than you think for; zay I told you so.
Turfe. Here's a bride-ale indeed! ah zon John, zon Clay!
I little thought you would have proved a piece
Of such false metal.
I little thought you would have proved a piece
Of such false metal.
Clay. Father, will you believe me?
Would I might never stir in my new shoes,
If ever I would do so voul a fact.
Would I might never stir in my new shoes,
If ever I would do so voul a fact.
Turfe. Well, neighbours, I do charge you to assist me
With 'un to Paddington. Be he a true man, so!
The better for 'un. I will do mine office,
An he were my own begotten a thousand times.
With 'un to Paddington. Be he a true man, so!
The better for 'un. I will do mine office,
An he were my own begotten a thousand times.
Dame T. Why, do you hear, man? husband, master Turfe?
What shall my daughter do? Puppy, stay here.
[Exeunt all but Awdrey and Puppy.
What shall my daughter do? Puppy, stay here.
[Exeunt all but Awdrey and Puppy.
Awd. Mother, I'll go with you, and with my father.
Pup. Nay, stay, sweet mistress Awdrey: here are none
But one friend, as they zay, desires to speak
A word or two, cold with you: how do you veel
Yourself this frosty morning?
But one friend, as they zay, desires to speak
A word or two, cold with you: how do you veel
Yourself this frosty morning?
Awd. What have you
To do to ask, I pray you? I am a-cold.
To do to ask, I pray you? I am a-cold.
Pup. It seems you are hot, good mistress Awdrey.
Awd. You lie; I am as cold as ice is, feel else.
Pup. Nay, you have cool'd my courage; I am past it,
I ha' done feeling with you.
I ha' done feeling with you.
Pup. O you mistake! I meant not as you mean.
Awd. Meant you not knavery, Puppy?
Pup. No, not I.
Clay meant you all the knavery, it seems,
Who rather than he would be married to you,
Chose to be wedded to the gallows first.
Clay meant you all the knavery, it seems,
Who rather than he would be married to you,
Chose to be wedded to the gallows first.
Awd. I thought he was a dissembler; he would prove
A slippery merchant in the frost. He might
Have married one first, and have been hang'd after,
If he had had a mind to't. But you men—
Fie on you!
A slippery merchant in the frost. He might
Have married one first, and have been hang'd after,
If he had had a mind to't. But you men—
Fie on you!
Pup. Mistress Awdrey, can you vind
In your heart to fancy Puppy? me poor Ball?
In your heart to fancy Puppy? me poor Ball?
Awd. You are disposed to jeer one, master Hannibal.—
Re enter Hilts.
Pity o' me, the angry man with the beard!
Hilts. Put on thy hat, I look for no despect.
Where is thy master?
Where is thy master?
Pup. Marry, he is gone
With the picture of despair to Paddington.
With the picture of despair to Paddington.
Hilts. Prithee run after 'un, and tell 'un he shall
Find out my captain lodged at the Red-Lion
In Paddington; that's the inn. Let 'un ask
Vor captain Thums; and take that for thy pains:
He may seek long enough else. Hie thee again.
Find out my captain lodged at the Red-Lion
In Paddington; that's the inn. Let 'un ask
Vor captain Thums; and take that for thy pains:
He may seek long enough else. Hie thee again.
Pup. Yes, sir; you'll look to mistress bride the while?
[Exit Puppy. Hilts. That I will: prithee haste.
Awd. What, Puppy! Puppy!
Hilts. Sweet mistress bride, he'll come again presently.—
Here was no subtle device to get a wench!
This Canon has a brave pate of his own,
A shaven pate, and a right monger, y' vaith;
This was his plot. I follow captain Thums!
We robb'd in St. John's wood! In my t'other hose!—
I laugh to think what a fine fool's finger they have
O' this wise constable, in pricking out
This captain Thums to his neighbours: you shall see
The tile-man too set fire on his own kiln,
And leap into it to save himself from hanging.
You talk of a bride-ale, here was a bride-ale broke
In the nick! Well, I must yet dispatch this bride
To mine own master, the young 'squire, and then
My task is done.—[Aside.]—Gentlewoman, I have in sort
Done you some wrong, but now I'll do you what right
I can: it's true, you are a proper woman;
But to be cast away on such a clown-pipe
As Clay! methinks your friends are not so wise
As nature might have made 'em; well, go to:
There's better fortune coming towards you,
An you do not deject it. Take a vool's
Counsel, and do not stand in your own light;
It may prove better than you think tor, look you.
Here was no subtle device to get a wench!
This Canon has a brave pate of his own,
A shaven pate, and a right monger, y' vaith;
This was his plot. I follow captain Thums!
We robb'd in St. John's wood! In my t'other hose!—
I laugh to think what a fine fool's finger they have
O' this wise constable, in pricking out
This captain Thums to his neighbours: you shall see
The tile-man too set fire on his own kiln,
And leap into it to save himself from hanging.
You talk of a bride-ale, here was a bride-ale broke
In the nick! Well, I must yet dispatch this bride
To mine own master, the young 'squire, and then
My task is done.—[Aside.]—Gentlewoman, I have in sort
Done you some wrong, but now I'll do you what right
I can: it's true, you are a proper woman;
But to be cast away on such a clown-pipe
As Clay! methinks your friends are not so wise
As nature might have made 'em; well, go to:
There's better fortune coming towards you,
An you do not deject it. Take a vool's
Counsel, and do not stand in your own light;
It may prove better than you think tor, look you.
Awd. Alas, sir, what is't you would have me do?
I'd fain do all for the best, if I knew how.
I'd fain do all for the best, if I knew how.
Hilts. Forsake not a good turn when it is offer'd you,
Fair mistress Awdrey—that's your name, I take it.
Fair mistress Awdrey—that's your name, I take it.
Awd. No mistress, sir, my name is Awdrey.
Hilts. Well; so it is, there is a bold young 'squire,
The blood of Totten, Tub, and Tripoly———
The blood of Totten, Tub, and Tripoly———
Awd. 'Squire Tub, you mean: I know him, he knows me too.
Hilts. He is in love with you; and more, he's mad for you.
Awd. Ay, so he told me in his wits, I think.
But he's too fine for me; and has a lady
Tub to his mother—
But he's too fine for me; and has a lady
Tub to his mother—
Enter Tub.
Here he comes himself!
Tub. O you are a trusty governor!
Hilts. What ails you?
You do not know when you are well, I think.
You'd ha' the calf with the white face, sir, would you?
I have her for you here; what would you more?
You do not know when you are well, I think.
You'd ha' the calf with the white face, sir, would you?
I have her for you here; what would you more?
Tub. Quietness, Hilts, and hear no more of it.
Hilts. No more of it, quoth you! I do not care
If some on us had not heard so much of it.
I tell you true; a man must carry and vetch
Like Bungy's dog for you.[8]
If some on us had not heard so much of it.
I tell you true; a man must carry and vetch
Like Bungy's dog for you.[8]
Tub. What's he?
Hilts. A spaniel—
And scarce be spit in the mouth for't. A good dog
Deserves, sir, a good bone, of a free master;
But, an your turns be serv'd, the devil a bit
You care for a man after, e'er a laird of you.
Like will to like, y-faith, quoth the scabb'd 'squire
To the mangy knight, when both met in a dish
Of butter'd vish. One bad, there's ne'er a good;
And not a barrel the better herring among you.
And scarce be spit in the mouth for't. A good dog
Deserves, sir, a good bone, of a free master;
But, an your turns be serv'd, the devil a bit
You care for a man after, e'er a laird of you.
Like will to like, y-faith, quoth the scabb'd 'squire
To the mangy knight, when both met in a dish
Of butter'd vish. One bad, there's ne'er a good;
And not a barrel the better herring among you.
Tub. Nay, Hilts, I pray thee grow not frampull now.
Turn not the bad cow after thy good soap.[9]
Our plot hath hitherto ta'en good effect,
And should it now be troubled or stopp'd up,
'Twould prove the utter ruin of my hopes.
I pray thee haste to Pancridge, to the Canon,
And give him notice of our good success.
Will him that all things be in readiness:
Fair Awdrey and myself will cross the fields
The nearest path. Good Hilts, make thou some haste,
And meet us on the way.—Come, gentle Awdrey.
Turn not the bad cow after thy good soap.[9]
Our plot hath hitherto ta'en good effect,
And should it now be troubled or stopp'd up,
'Twould prove the utter ruin of my hopes.
I pray thee haste to Pancridge, to the Canon,
And give him notice of our good success.
Will him that all things be in readiness:
Fair Awdrey and myself will cross the fields
The nearest path. Good Hilts, make thou some haste,
And meet us on the way.—Come, gentle Awdrey.
Hilts. Vaith, would I had a few more geances on't![10]
An you say the word, send me to Jericho.
Outcept a man were a post-horse, I have not known
The like on it; yet, an he had [had] kind words,
I would never irke 'un: but a man may break
His heart out in these days, and get a flap
With a fox-tail, when he has done—and there is all!
An you say the word, send me to Jericho.
Outcept a man were a post-horse, I have not known
The like on it; yet, an he had [had] kind words,
I would never irke 'un: but a man may break
His heart out in these days, and get a flap
With a fox-tail, when he has done—and there is all!
Tub. Nay, say not so, Hilts: hold thee, there are crowns
My love bestows on thee for thy reward;
If gold will please thee, all my land shall drop
In bounty thus, to recompense thy merit.
My love bestows on thee for thy reward;
If gold will please thee, all my land shall drop
In bounty thus, to recompense thy merit.
Hilts. Tut, keep your land, and your gold too, sir, I
Seek neither—neither of 'un. Learn to get
More; you will know to spend that zum you have
Early enough; you are assured of me:
I love you too too well to live o' the spoil—
For your own sake, would there were no worse than I!
All is not gold that glisters. I'll to Pancridge.
[Exit crying.
Seek neither—neither of 'un. Learn to get
More; you will know to spend that zum you have
Early enough; you are assured of me:
I love you too too well to live o' the spoil—
For your own sake, would there were no worse than I!
All is not gold that glisters. I'll to Pancridge.
[Exit crying.
Tub. See how his love does melt him into tears!
An honest faithful servant is a jewel.—
Now the ad vent'rous 'squire hath time and leisure
To ask his Awdrey how she does, and hear
A grateful answer from her. She not speaks.—
Hath the proud tyrant Frost usurp'd the seat
Of former beauty, in my love's fair cheek;
Staining the roseate tincture of her blood
With the dull dye of blue congealing cold?
No, sure the weather dares not so presume
To hurt an object of her brightness. Yet,
The more I view her, she but looks so, so.
Ha! give me leave to search this mystery—
O now I have it: Bride, I know your grief;
The last night's cold hath bred in you such horror
Of the assigned bridegroom's constitution,
The Kilborn clay-pit; that frost-bitten marl,
That lump in courage, melting cake of ice;
That the conceit thereof hath almost kill'd thee:
But I must do thee good, wench, and refresh thee.
An honest faithful servant is a jewel.—
Now the ad vent'rous 'squire hath time and leisure
To ask his Awdrey how she does, and hear
A grateful answer from her. She not speaks.—
Hath the proud tyrant Frost usurp'd the seat
Of former beauty, in my love's fair cheek;
Staining the roseate tincture of her blood
With the dull dye of blue congealing cold?
No, sure the weather dares not so presume
To hurt an object of her brightness. Yet,
The more I view her, she but looks so, so.
Ha! give me leave to search this mystery—
O now I have it: Bride, I know your grief;
The last night's cold hath bred in you such horror
Of the assigned bridegroom's constitution,
The Kilborn clay-pit; that frost-bitten marl,
That lump in courage, melting cake of ice;
That the conceit thereof hath almost kill'd thee:
But I must do thee good, wench, and refresh thee.
Awd. You are a merry man, 'squire Tub of Totten!
I have heard much o' your words, but not o' your deeds.
I have heard much o' your words, but not o' your deeds.
Tub. Thou sayst true, sweet; I have been too slack in deeds.
Awd. Yet I was never so strait-laced to you, 'squire.
Tub. Why, did you ever love me, gentle Awdrey?
Awd Love you! I cannot tell: I must hate no body,
My father says.
My father says.
Tub. Yes, Clay and Kilborn, Awdrey,
You must hate them.
You must hate them.
Awd. It shall be for your sake then.
Tub. And for my sake shall yield you that gratuity.
[Offers to kiss her.
[Offers to kiss her.
Awd. Soft and fair, 'squire, there go two words to a bargain.
[Puts him back.
[Puts him back.
Tub. What are those, Awdrey?
Awd. Nay, I cannot tell.
My mother said, zure, if you married me,
You'd make me a lady the first week; and put me
In—I know not what, the very day.
My mother said, zure, if you married me,
You'd make me a lady the first week; and put me
In—I know not what, the very day.
Tub. What was it?
Speak, gentle Awdrey, thou shalt have it yet.
Speak, gentle Awdrey, thou shalt have it yet.
Awd. A velvet dressing for my head, it is,
They say, will make one brave; I will not know
Bess Moale, nor Margery Turn-up: I will look
Another way upon them, and be proud.
They say, will make one brave; I will not know
Bess Moale, nor Margery Turn-up: I will look
Another way upon them, and be proud.
Tub. Troth, I could wish my wench a better wit;
But what she wanteth there, her face supplies.
There is a pointed lustre in her eye
Hath shot quite through me, and hath hit my heart:
And thence it is I first received the wound,
That rankles now, which only she can cure.
Fain would I work myself from this conceit;
But, being flesh, I cannot. I must love her,
The naked truth is; and I will go on,
Were it for nothing but to cross my rivals.
[Aside.
Come, Awdrey, I am now resolv'd to have thee.
But what she wanteth there, her face supplies.
There is a pointed lustre in her eye
Hath shot quite through me, and hath hit my heart:
And thence it is I first received the wound,
That rankles now, which only she can cure.
Fain would I work myself from this conceit;
But, being flesh, I cannot. I must love her,
The naked truth is; and I will go on,
Were it for nothing but to cross my rivals.
[Aside.
Come, Awdrey, I am now resolv'd to have thee.
Enter justice Preamble, and Metaphor disguised
as a pursuivant.
as a pursuivant.
Pre. Nay, do it quickly, Miles; why shak'st thou, man?
Speak but his name, I'll second thee myself.
Speak but his name, I'll second thee myself.
Met. What is his name?
Pre. 'Squire Tripoly, or Tub;
Any thing———
Any thing———
Met. 'Squire Tub, I do arrest you
In the queen's majesty's name, and all the council's.
In the queen's majesty's name, and all the council's.
Tub. Arrest me, varlet!
Pre. Keep the peace, I charge you.
Tub. Are you there, justice Bramble! where's your warrant?
Pre. The warrant is directed here to me,
From the whole table; wherefore I would pray you,
Be patient, 'squire, and make good the peace.
From the whole table; wherefore I would pray you,
Be patient, 'squire, and make good the peace.
Tub. Well, at your pleasure, justice. I am wrong'd:
Sirrah, what are you have arrested me?
Sirrah, what are you have arrested me?
Pre. He is a pursuivant at arms, 'squire Tub.
Met. I am a pursuivant; see by my coat else.
Tub. Well, pursuivant, go with me: I'll give you bail.
Pre. Sir, he may take no bail: it is a warrant,
In special from the council, and commands
Your personal appearance. Sir, your weapon
I must require; and then deliver you
A prisoner to this officer, 'squire Tub.
I pray you to conceive of me no other,
Than as your friend and neighbour: let my person
Be sever'd from my office in the fact,
And I am clear. Here, pursuivant, receive him
Into your hands, and use him like a gentleman.
In special from the council, and commands
Your personal appearance. Sir, your weapon
I must require; and then deliver you
A prisoner to this officer, 'squire Tub.
I pray you to conceive of me no other,
Than as your friend and neighbour: let my person
Be sever'd from my office in the fact,
And I am clear. Here, pursuivant, receive him
Into your hands, and use him like a gentleman.
Tub. I thank you, sir: but whither must I go now?
Pre. Nay, that must not be told you till you come
Unto the place assign'd by his instructions:
I'll be the maiden's convoy to her father,
For this time, 'squire.
Unto the place assign'd by his instructions:
I'll be the maiden's convoy to her father,
For this time, 'squire.
Tub. I thank you, master Bramble.
I doubt or fear you will make her the balance
To weigh your justice in. Pray ye do me right,
And lead not her, at least, out of the way:
Justice is blind, and having a blind guide,
She may be apt to slip aside.
I doubt or fear you will make her the balance
To weigh your justice in. Pray ye do me right,
And lead not her, at least, out of the way:
Justice is blind, and having a blind guide,
She may be apt to slip aside.
[Exit Pre. with Awd. Pre. I'll see to her.
Tub I see my wooing will not thrive. Arrested,
As I had set my rest up for a wife!
And being so fair for it as I was! Well, fortune,
Thou art a blind bawd and a beggar too,
To cross me thus; and let my only rival
To get her from me! that's the spight of spights.
But most I muse at, is, that I, being none
O' the court, am sent for thither by the council:
My heart is not so light as it was in the morning.
As I had set my rest up for a wife!
And being so fair for it as I was! Well, fortune,
Thou art a blind bawd and a beggar too,
To cross me thus; and let my only rival
To get her from me! that's the spight of spights.
But most I muse at, is, that I, being none
O' the court, am sent for thither by the council:
My heart is not so light as it was in the morning.
Re-enter Hilts.
Hilts. You mean to make a hoiden[11] or a hare
Of me, to hunt counter thus, and make these doubles:
And you mean no such thing as you send about.
Where is your sweetheart now, I marle?
Of me, to hunt counter thus, and make these doubles:
And you mean no such thing as you send about.
Where is your sweetheart now, I marle?
Tub. Oh Hilts!
Hilts. I know you of old! ne'er halt afore a cripple.
Will you have a caudle? where's your grief, sir? speak.
Will you have a caudle? where's your grief, sir? speak.
Met. Do you hear, friend, do you serve this gentleman?
Hilts. How then, sir? what if I do? peradventure yea,
Peradventure nay; what's that to you, sir? say.
Peradventure nay; what's that to you, sir? say.
Met. Nay, pray you, sir, I meant no harm in truth;
But this good gentleman is arrested.
But this good gentleman is arrested.
Hilts. How!
Say me that again.
Say me that again.
Tub. Nay, Basket, never storm;
I am arrested here, upon command
From the queen's council; and I must obey.
I am arrested here, upon command
From the queen's council; and I must obey.
Met. You say, sir, very true, you must obey.
An honest gentleman, in faith!
An honest gentleman, in faith!
Hilts. He must!
Tub. But that which most tormenteth me is this,
That justice Bramble hath got hence my Awdrey.
That justice Bramble hath got hence my Awdrey.
Hilts. How! how! stand by a little, sirrah, you
[Draws his sword.]With the badge on your breast.
Let's know, sir, what you are.
[Draws his sword.]With the badge on your breast.
Let's know, sir, what you are.
Met. I am, sir, pray you do not look so terribly
A pursuivant.
A pursuivant.
Hilts. A pursuivant! your name, sir?
Met. My name, sir———
Hilts. What is't? speak.
Met. Miles Metaphor;
And justice Preamble's clerk.
And justice Preamble's clerk.
Tub. What says he?
Hilts. Pray you,
Let us alone. You are a pursuivant?
Let us alone. You are a pursuivant?
Met. No, faith, sir, would I might never stir from you,
I is made a pursuivant against my will.
I is made a pursuivant against my will.
Hilts. Ha! and who made you one? tell true,
or my will
Shall make you nothing instantly.
or my will
Shall make you nothing instantly.
Met. [kneels.] Put up
Your frightful blade, and your dead-doing look,
And I shall tell you all.
Your frightful blade, and your dead-doing look,
And I shall tell you all.
Hilts. Speak then the truth,
And the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
And the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Met. My master, justice Bramble, hearing your master,
The 'squire Tub, was coming on this way,
With mistress Awdrey, the high constable's daughter,
Made me a pursuivant, and gave me warrant
To arrest him; so that he might get the lady,
With whom he is gone to Pancridge, to the vicar,
Not to her father's. This was the device,
Which I beseech you do not tell my master.
The 'squire Tub, was coming on this way,
With mistress Awdrey, the high constable's daughter,
Made me a pursuivant, and gave me warrant
To arrest him; so that he might get the lady,
With whom he is gone to Pancridge, to the vicar,
Not to her father's. This was the device,
Which I beseech you do not tell my master.
Tub. O wonderful! well, Basket, let him rise;
And for my free escape forge some excuse.
I'll post to Paddington to acquaint old Turfe
[Exit.With the whole business, and so stop the marriage.
And for my free escape forge some excuse.
I'll post to Paddington to acquaint old Turfe
[Exit.With the whole business, and so stop the marriage.
Hilts. Well, bless thee: I do wish thee grace to keep
Thy master's secrets better, or be hang'd.
Thy master's secrets better, or be hang'd.
Met. [rises.] I thank you for your gentle admonition.
Pray you, let me call you god-father hereafter:
And as your godson Metaphor, I promise
To keep my master's privities seal'd up
In the vallies[12] of my trust, lock'd close for ever,
Or let me be truss'd up at Tyburn shortly.
Pray you, let me call you god-father hereafter:
And as your godson Metaphor, I promise
To keep my master's privities seal'd up
In the vallies[12] of my trust, lock'd close for ever,
Or let me be truss'd up at Tyburn shortly.
Hilts. Thine own wish save or choke thee! come away.
[Exeunt.
[Exeunt.
- ↑ I love no trains of Kent, &c] i. e. long ones, alluding to the old proverb, "Kentish long-tails."
- ↑ ——— till this ash plant
Had rung noon on your pate,] This is a proverbial allusion to the custom of striking the dresser as a signal for dinner, which was then served up at noon. The notices of this practice are innumerable. Maple face, just above, is a term of contempt, of which the precise import is not known. Mr. Malone thinks it alludes to the rough bark of the maple. It may be so: though I suspect that it rather refers to colour, and means tann'd, or sunburnt. In some passages which I have noted, it appears to be synonymous with broad-face: for this I cannot account; unless it refers to the mazer or broad dish of our forefathers, which was usually formed of this wood. - ↑ Old Blurt.] Jonson alludes to the title of an old comedy, by his friend, Middleton "Blurt, master Constable." 1602.
- ↑ It skills not] i. e. it matters not, it is of no consequence, &c. So in the Poetaster: "Give him what thou hast, though it lack a shilling or two of the sum, it skills not."
- ↑ As you will answer it at your apperil.] Again! See voI. v. p. 137.
- ↑ Peace, and be nought!] i. e. peace and be hanged! another example of the phrase explained, vol. iv. 421.
- ↑ Awdrey's indignation arises from the equivocal use of the word done. Her affectation of delicacy amidst her real grossness is well marked.
- ↑ Like Bungy's dog.] A familiar that followed him, and of whose diabolical agency various facts are recorded in the old story-book of "Friar Bacon."
- ↑ Turn not the bad cow after thy good soap.] This is evidently a proverbial expression; I am not quite sure that I understand it; unless it refers to the custom in some countries of using cow-dung as a succedaneum for soap.
- ↑ Would I had a few more geances on't."] i. e. Jaunts, or errands. Whal.
- ↑ You mean to make a hoiden, &c.] Dr. Johnson derives this word from the Welsh, hoeden, an awkward country girl. From the passage in the text, as well as from several others which I have met with of a similar kind, I am induced to think that hoiden was the ancient term for a leveret. It was assuredly the name of some animal remarkable for the vivacity of its motions, and was formerly applied to the youth of both sexes, though now confined to designate a wild romping girl.
- ↑ In the vallies of my trust.] i. e. I suppose, in the portmanteau or cloke bag: from the French valise.