Diamonds To Sit On/Chapter 25

 

CHAPTER XXV

TWO VISITS

ABSALOM IZNURENKOV was always in a state of perpetual agitation. He would shuffle his feet, fidget on his chair, sigh and groan, and wave his arms about like a lunatic. He led a very busy life. He went everywhere, flying down the streets like an agitated hen, and giving advice liberally to everybody he met. He was incapable of concentrating upon any one thing for longer than a minute at a time. If one of his jokes did not go well and did not produce immediate laughter, he did not try like many other people to convince the editor that it was a good joke and only required a little thought for it to be appreciated; he simply made a fresh joke. If only he had kept still, say, for two hours the most unexpected things would have happened. He might have written a wonderful tale, perhaps a book; but he could not possibly do that. His restless legs would drag him away, the pencil would shoot out of his hand like an arrow, and his thoughts would simply leap about.

Iznurenkov was pacing up and down hisroom, and the seals were dangling from his furniture like the ear-rings of a dancing gipsy girl. A giggling young woman was sitting on Hippolyte's chair.

'Ah!' shouted Iznurenkoy, 'you are divine! You are wonderful! You are the Queen Margot!'

Queen Margot, who did not understand a word of what he was saying, laughed politely.

'Have some chocolates,' said Absalom. 'Yes, do have some! Charming!' And every few minutes he kissed the queen's hands. He was delighted with her simple dress and pushed the cat into her arms. TWO VISITS

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‘ Isn’t he a marvel ? Isn’t he a parrot—a lion ? Yes, a hon I A real lion ! And what a tail! Have you ever seen such a tail ? ’ The cat jumped down and escaped into a corner of the room, and Absalom went on flattering his guest about her physical and spiritual qualities. ‘ Tell me,’ he said, ‘ is this brooch made of glass ? How it glitters ! Do you know, you simply dazzle me ? I swear you do. You positively dazzle me. And tell me, is Paris really such a large town ? And is the Eiffel Tower really there ? What hands ! What a nose you have ! ’ He did not embrace the girl, nor did he stop comphmenting her. On and on he went, and his flow of words was only interrupted by the sudden appearance of Bender. The great schemer stood in the doorway, twisting a small piece of paper in his hands. ‘ Does Iznurenkov hve here ? ’ he asked sternly. ‘ Are you Iznurenkov ? ’ Absalom looked nervously at the stranger. What did he want ? Had he come to collect the fine for the window-pane he had broken when arguing with some one in the tram ? Or had he come to serve a writ on him for non-payment of rental ? ‘ What do you mean by sending a Government ofiicial away like that ? ’ asked Bender tersely. ‘ A Government official ? What Government official ? ’ said Iznurenkov, horrifled. ‘ You know perfectly well what I mean. The furni­ ture must go at once.’ Then he turned to the young woman and said : ‘ I must ask you, comrade, to get off that chair.’ The young woman stood up. ‘ Sit down 1 ’ shouted Iznurenkov, as he stood be­ tween Bender and the chair. ' They’ve no right to do this.’ ' I shouldn’t say much about rights if I were you. Give me that chair. You must obey the law.’ 172

DIAMONDS TO SIT ON

Having said this, Bender seized the chair and held it over his head. ‘ I shall remove the furniture,’ said Bender with great determination. ‘ You can’t ! You can’t! ’ ‘ What do you mean I can’t ? You see that I can,’ retorted Bender as he went out into the corridor carrying the chair. Absalom kissed his queen’s hand and ran out after Bender, who was calmly going down the stairs. ‘ But you’ve absolutely no right to do this. Accord­ ing to the law the furniture can stay here for a fortnight, and it has only been under seal for three days. Perhaps I shall pay. How do you know ? ’ Iznurenkov was buzzing round Bender like a fly, and followed him to the corner of the street. Here he* suddenly noticed some sparrows fighting in the gutter, thought of a joke, ran home to write it down, and only remembered the chair again as he came into his flat and found the girl standing in the middle of the room. Meanwhile Bender took a cab and brought the chair to Hippolyte. ‘ You see,’ he said, ‘ that’s the way to get hold of a chair. It has cost me absolutely nothing ’ Another chair was added to the furniture in Ivanopulo s room, but after opening it up Hippolyte was more depressed than ever. ‘ Our chances are growing,’ said Bender, ' but there is still no money. TeU me, was your late mother-inlaw fond of practical jokes ? ’ ‘ Why ? ’ said Hippolyte. ‘ What do you mean ? ’ Perhaps there are no diamonds.’ Hippolyte was disgusted. ‘ Well, if that’s how you feel,’ said Bender, ‘ there’s still a hope. Perhaps we’ll only need to have one more chair m here.’ TT- Your name was in the paper this morning,’ said Hippolyte quietly. TWO VISITS

173

Bender frowned. He did not like the idea of the Press taking any interest in him. ‘ Which paper ? ’ he said. Hippolyte showed him the newspaper Stan ok. ‘ Here it is,’ he said, ‘ in the column “ News of the Day ” .’ Bender looked at it. KNOCKED DOWN BY A HORSE Yesterday, in Sverdlov Square, Comrade Ostap Bender was knocked down by a horse belonging to Cabman Number 8974. Com­ rade Bender was unhurt and escaped with a fright.

‘ It was the cabman who had a fright, not I,’ said Bender. ‘ They’re perfect idiots. They scribble away and don’t know what they’re scribbhng about. Did you say it was the Stanok ? That’s very helpful indeed. Do you know, Hippolyte, this very note was probably written by a journalist as he sat on our chair ? It’s really quite amusing ! ’ The great schemer grew thoughtful, for at last he had found a reason for calling at the newspaper office. After discovering that aU the rooms on the right and on the left of the corridor belonged to the newspaper, he decided that he would go into each room to find the chair. First he walked into the room where the young members of the automobile club were having a dis­ cussion, but he saw at a glance that the chair was not there, so he went into the next room. He passed from room to room making all sorts of different inquiries until he reached the editor’s room, where he found the editor sitting on Hippolyte’s chair and shouting some­ thing into the telephone. After examining the place very carefully. Bender turned to the editor. ‘ Your paper,’ he said, ‘ has slandered me.’ 174

DIAMONDS TO SIT ON

‘ Slandered you ? ’ Bender took a long time in unfolding the newspaper. He looked at the door and noticed that it had a Yale lock. If a piece of glass in the door were cut out, then It would be quite easy to shp a hand through and open the door from the inside. The editor read the paragraph which Bender pointed out to him. ‘Well,’ said the editor, ‘where do you see the slander ? ’ Of course it s slanderous. What do you mean bv saying that I escaped with a fright ? ’ ‘ I don’t understand.’ Bender looked at the editor. ‘ As though I should be afraid of a cabman ! Why, you ve disgraced me in the eyes of the whole world and I must claim redress.’ ‘But I assure you,’ said the editor, ‘no one has disgraced you, and we would not dream of making redress for such a trifling matter.’ ‘ All the same,’ said Bender, as he went out of the room, ‘ I assure you I shall not let the matter drop.’ Bender had seen the chair, and that was all he wanted.