Janet Clinker's Oration

by Humphrey Clinker

Layout 2

Janet Clinker's

ORATION,

On the Villanies of the Old Women,
and the Pride of the Young.

SHEWING

Young men and young women how to avoid the
buying of Janet Juniper's stinking butter, which
will have a rotten rift on their stomach, as long
as they live.

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Taken In Short Hand, by
Humphrey Clinker,
The Clashing Wives' Clerk.

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EDINBURGH:
Printed for, and Sold by, William Cameron
and other Booksellers.

(Price One Penny.)

JANET CLINKER'S

ORATION.

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THE madness of the unmuzzled age has driven me to mountains of thought and a continued meditation; it is enough to make an auld wife rin red-wood, and drive a body beyond the halter' end of ill-nature, to see what I see, and hear what I hear; therefore the hinges of my anger are broken and the hands of my good-nature are burst in two the door of civility is laid quite open, plain speech and mild admonition is of none effect; nothing must be used now but thunderbolts of reproach tartly trimmed in a tantalizing style, roughly rede up and manufactured through an old matron's mouth, who is indeed but frail in the teeth, but will squeeze surprisingly with her auld gums, until her very chaft blades crack in the crushing of your vice.

⁠I shall branch out my discourse into four heads.
⁠First, What I have seen, and been witness to.
⁠Secondly, What I now see, and am witness to.
⁠Thirdly, What I have heard, do hear, and cannot help: I mean, the difference between old women and the young; and, ⁠Fourthly, Concluding with an advice to young men and young women, how to avoid the buying of Janet Juniper’s stinking butter,❊ which will have a rotten rift on their stomach, as long as they live.

⁠1. The first thing then I see and observe, is, That a wheen daft, giddy-headed, cock-nosed, juniper-nebbed mothers, bring up a wheen skyracket dancing daughters, a’ bred up to be ladies, without so much as the breadth of their loof of land! It’s an admiration to me, where the lairds are a’ to come frae, that’s to be coupled to them! Work! na, na, my bairn must not work, she’s to be a lady; they ca’ her Miss. I must have her ears bored, says old mumps, the mother. Thus the poor pet is brought up like a motherless lamb, or a parrot in a cage; they learn nothing, but to prick and sew, and fling their feet when the fiddle plays; so they become a parcel of yellow-faced female tailors, very unequal matches for countrymen; just Flanders babies, brought up in a box, and must be carried in a basket; knows nothing but pinching poverty, hunger, and pride; can neither milk kye, muck a byre, card, spin, nor yet keep a cow from a corn-rigg. The most of such are as blind penny-worths, as buying pigs in pocks, and ought only to be matched with tacket-makers, tree-trimmers, and male-taylors, that they may be male and female agreeable in trade, since their piper-faced fingers are not for hard labour yet they might also pass on a pinch for a black sutor's wife, for the stitching of white seams round this mouth of a lady's shoe; or with barbers or bakers they might be buckled, because of their muslin mouth and pinchbeck speeches, when harm is scant, they can blow up their bread with fair winds, and when the razor is rough, can trim their chafts with a fair tale, oil their peruke with her white lips, and power the beaux's pow with a French puff. They are all well versed in all the science of flattery, musical tunes, hornpipe and country-dances, though perfect in none but Reel of Gammon.

Yet these are they the fickle farmer fixes his fancy upon, a bundle of clouts, a skeleton of bones; Maggy and the mutch, like twa fir stick and a pickle tow, neither for his plate, nor his power very improper plenishing, neither for his profit nor her pleasure, to plout her hands thro' hawkey's caff-cog, is a hateful hardship for mamy's pet, and will hack a' her hands. All this have I seen an heard, and been witness to: but my pen being goose quill, cannot expose their names nor place of abode, but warns the working men out of the way.

2. I see another sort, who can work, and maun work till they be married, and become mistress themselves; but as the husband receives then their thrift leaves them before that they wrought as for a wager, and they span as for a premium busked as for a brag, scoured their din skin as wauker does worsted blankets; kept as mim in the mouth as a minister's wife, comely as Diana chaste as Susanna, yet the whole of their toil he trimming of their rigging, tho' their hulls be everlasting in a leaking condition; their backs and their bellies are boxed about with the fins of a big fish, six petticoats, a gown and apron, besides a side sark down to the ankle bones!—Ah! what monstrous rags are here! what a cloth is consumed for covering one pair of buttocks! I leave it to the judgment of any ten tailors in town, if thirty pair of men's breeches may not be cut from a little above the easing of Bessy's bum; and this makes her a motherly woman, as stately a woman as ever trade to market or mill. But when she's married, she turns a madam: her mistress did not work much, and why should she? Her mother ay said that she wad be a lady, but could never tell where her hands lay: but when money is all spent, credit broken, and conduct out of keeping, a wheen babling bubly bairns crying piece, minny, porritch, minny, the witless wanton waster is at her wit's end. Work now or want, and do not say that the world has waur'd you; but lofty noddle, your giddy-headed mother, has led you astray, by learning you to be a lady, before you was fit to be a servant lass, by teaching you laziness instead of hard labour; by giving you such a high conceit of yourself, that nobody thinks anything of you now, and you may judge yourself to be one of those that wise people call little-worth. But after all we have said, when you begin the warld in, be perfectly rich, before you be gentle; work hard for what you gain, and you'll ken better how to guide it, for pride is an imperfect fortune, and a ludicrous life will not last long.

Another sort I see, who has got more silver than sense, more gold than good nature, more muslins and means than good manners; though sack can hold their silver, six houses and a ha cannot contain their ambitious desires. Fortunatus' wonderful purse would fail in fetching in the fourth part of their worldly wants, and the children imitate their mothers, chattering like hungry cranes, crying still, 'I want, I want', ever crying, wilfully wasting, till all be brought to a doleful dish of desolation, and with cleanness of teeth a full breast, an empty belly, big pockets without pence, pinching penury, perfect poverty, drout hunger, want of money and friends both, old age, dim eyes, feeble joints, without shoes or clothes the real fruits of a bad marriage, which bring thoughtless fops to both faith and repentence one day.

3. Another thing I see, hear, and cannot hold is the breeding of bairns, and bringing them up like bull-stirks; they gi'e them waulth of meat, but no manners; but when I was a bairn, if I did not bend obedience, I ken mysel what I got, which learned me what to gie mine; if they had tell me, tuts, or prase no, I laid them o'er my knee and I cam crack for crack o'er their hurdies, like a knock bleaching a barn-web, till the red waur stood on their hips; this brought obedience in my house, and banished dods and ill-nature out the door: I dang the diel out of them, an dadded them like a wet dish-clout, till they did my bidding: but now the bairns are brought to spit fire in their mither's face, and cast dirt on their auld daddies. How can they be good, who never saw a sample of it; or reverence old age who practised no precepts in their youth? How can they love their parents, who gave them black poison instead of good principles; who shewed them no good, and taught them no duties? No marvel, such children despise old age, and reverence their parents as an old horse does his father.

4. The last prevailing evil which I see, all men fear, but none strive to help, women now disdain to ride on pads, as of old, to be hobbled on a horse's hurdies, but must be hurled behind the (illegible text)ail, safely seated in leather conveniency, and there they fly swiftly as in the chariot of Amina(illegible text)ab. They will not speak the language of their native country, but must have southern cants, refined raw sugar through London mills.

Another grievance I see of the female offenders, I cannot omit, which attracts man's fancy, and is the cause of his fall, I mean fighting, flyting, ill-natured wives, wha wants to wear the breeks: had flyghters, who have got a little of the means of Mammon, more silver than sense, more gold than good nature, haughtiness for humility, value themselves as a treasure incomprehensible, their heads and hearts of Ophir gold, their hips of silver, and their whole body as set about with precious stones! And what is she after all, but a poor penny-worth for a poor man; she must have fine dresses, a fine house, fine teas, and what not, and thinks her poor penny will never be at an end.

But when I Janet was a Janet, and had the judgment of my own house, my husband was thrice happy: I never let him down; he was above me day and night: I sat late and rose early, kept a full house and rough back; when the summer came we minded winter's cauld; we had peace ayea t porritch time, and harmony through the day; we supped our sowens at supper-time with a seasonable heat, and went to bed, good bairns, kend naething but stark love and kindness we wrought for riches, hated pride and loved peace; he died with a good name, and I let you ken I live. Come, help yourselves, all you hillo(illegible text) kat livers, your friends will like you the better.

Now, after all, if a poor man wants a perfect wife, let him wale a well blooded hssiee, wi' braid shoulders, and thick about the haunches, that hae been lang servant in a'e house, tho twice or thrice away and ay feed back; that's well liked by the bairns, and the bairn's mither, that's nae wa cankard to the cats, nor kicks the colly-dogs amang her feet, that would let a' brute beasts live, and kind to bairns; for them that dants young bairns, wid be kind to auld folks if they had them.

And ony hale-hearted wholesome hissie that wants to halter a good husband, let her never take a widow's ae son, for a' the wisely gates in the warld will be in him, for want of a father to teach him manly actions; but go take your chance an (illegible text) chaunter (illegible text) add no more says Janet, (illegible text) Humphry the Clerk.