9. Queen Elizabeth was importuned much by my Lord of Essex to supply divers great offices that had been long void; the queen answered nothing to the matter, but rose up on the sudden, and said, "I am sure my office will not be long void." And yet at that time there was much speech of troubles and divisions about the crown to be after her decease: but they all vanished, and King James came in in a profound peace.
10. King Henry the Fourth of France was so punctual of his word after it was once passed, that they called him the King of the Faith.
11. The said King Henry the Fourth was moved by his Parliament to a war against the Protestants: he answered, "Yes, I mean it; I will make every one of you captains; you shall have companies assigned you." The Parliament observing whereunto his speech tended, gave over, and deserted his motion.
12. A great officer at court, when my Lord of Essex was first in trouble, and that he and those that dealt for him would talk much of my lord's friends and of his enemies, answered to one of them, "I will tell you, I know but one friend and one enemy my lord hath; and that one friend is the queen, and that one enemy is himself."
13. The Lord Keeper, Sir Nicholas Bacon, was asked his opinion by my Lord of Leicester, concerning two persons whom the queen seemed to think well of: "By my troth, my lord," said he, "the one is a grave counsellor, the other is a proper young man; and so he will be as long as he lives."
14. My Lord of Liecester, favourite to Queen Elizabeth, was making a large chase about Cornbury Park, meaning to enclose it with posts and rails, and one day was casting up his charge what it would come to; Mr. Goldingham, a free-spoken man, stood by, and said to my lord; "Methinks your lordship goeth not the cheapest way to work." "Why, Goldingham?" said my lord. "Marry, my lord," said Goldingham, "count you but upon the posts, for the country will find you railing."
15. Sir Nicholas Bacon being appointed a judge for the northern circuit, and having brought his trials that came before him to such a pass, as the passing of sentence on malefactors, he was by one of the malefactors mightily importuned for to save his life, which when nothing that he had said did avail, he at length desired his mercy on the account of kindred. "Pr'ythee," said my lord judge, "how came that in?" "Why, if it please you, my lord, your name is Bacon and mine is Hog, and in all ages hog and bacon have been so near kindred that they are not to be separated." "Ay, but," replied Judge Bacon, "you and I cannot be kindred except you be hanged; for hog is not bacon until it be well hanged."
16. Two scholars and a countryman travelling upon the road, one night lodged all in one inn and supped together, where the scholars thought to have put a trick upon the countryman, which was thus: the scholars appointed for supper two pigeons and a fat capon, which being ready was brought up, and they having sat down, the one scholar took up one pigeon, the other scholar took the other pigeon, thinking thereby that, the countryman should have sat still until that they were ready for the carving of the capon, which he perceiving, took the capon and laid it on his trencher, and thus said, "Daintily contrived, every one a bird."
17. A man and his wife in bed together, she towards morning pretended herself to be ill at ease, desiring to lie on her husband's side; so the good man to please her came over her, making some short stay in his passage over, where she had not long lain, but desired to lie in her old place again. Quoth he, "How can it be effected?" She answered, "Come over me again." "I had rather," said he, "go a mile and a half about."
18. A thief being arraigned at the bar for stealing a mare, in his pleading urged many things in his own behalf, and at last nothing availing, he told the bench the mare rather stole him than he the mare, which in brief he thus related: that passing over several grounds about his lawful occasions, he was pursued close by a fierce mastiff dog, and so was forced to save himself by leaping over a hedge, which being of an agile body he effected, and in leaping, a mare standing on the other side of the hedge, leaped upon her back, who running furiously away with him, he could not by any means stop her until he came to the next town, in which town the owner of the mare lived, and there was he taken and here arraigned.
19. A notorious rogue being brought to the bar, and knowing his case to be desperate, instead of pleading, he took to himself the liberty of jesting, and thus said, "I charge you in the king's name to seize and take away that man (meaning the judge) in the red gown, for I go in danger of my life because of him."
20. A rough-hewn seaman being brought before a wise just-ass for some misdemeanour, was by him sent away to prison: and being somewhat refractory after he heard his doom, insomuch as he would not stir a foot from the place he stood, saying, "It were better to stand where he was than go to a worse place." The justice thereupon, to show the strength of his learning, took him by the shoulder, and said, "Thou shalt go 'Nogus vogus,'" instead of "Nolens volens."
21. A debauched seaman being brought before a justice of the peace upon the account of swearing, was by the justice commanded to deposit his fine in that behalf provided, which was two shillings, he thereupon, plucking out of his pocket a half-crown, asked the justice what was the rate he was to pay for cursing; the justice told him sixpence; quoth he, then, "A pox take you all for
