Salmagundi (Huddesford, 1791)/Renowned History of John W****s, an Heroick Ballad
THE
RENOWNED HISTORY
AND
RARE ACHIEVEMENTS
OF
JOHN W****S.
AN HEROICK BALLAD.
HEROICK BALLAD.
Full often I have read, inscrib'd
On parchment and on vellum,
The deeds of Ancient Heroes, and
The chances that befell 'em;
And ballads I have heard rehears'd
By harmonists itinerant,
Who Modern Worthies celebrate,
Yet scarcely make a dinner on't:
Some of whom sprang from noble race,
And some were in pigstye born;
Dependent upon Royal grace,
Or triple tree of Tyburn.
And sundry Gallants yet unsung,
Who scarcely have their fellows,
Amendments move in Parliament,
Or live by mending bellows:
But, of all who were or will be sung
In solemn stave or ditty,
There's none can vie with Johnny W———s,
The C———n of the City.
On parchment and on vellum,
The deeds of Ancient Heroes, and
The chances that befell 'em;
And ballads I have heard rehears'd
By harmonists itinerant,
Who Modern Worthies celebrate,
Yet scarcely make a dinner on't:
Some of whom sprang from noble race,
And some were in pigstye born;
Dependent upon Royal grace,
Or triple tree of Tyburn.
And sundry Gallants yet unsung,
Who scarcely have their fellows,
Amendments move in Parliament,
Or live by mending bellows:
But, of all who were or will be sung
In solemn stave or ditty,
There's none can vie with Johnny W———s,
The C———n of the City.
CHORUS.
John W———s he was for M———x,
They chose him Knight of the Shire:
And he made a Fool of Alderman B———,
And call'd Parson H——— a Lyar.
John W———s he was for M———x,
They chose him Knight of the Shire:
And he made a Fool of Alderman B———,
And call'd Parson H——— a Lyar.
Homer, for provender and same
When he was blind and pennyless,
Descanted of the Spartan Dame,
Who a cuckold made of Menelaus:
His Heroes' sounding names you've heard,
Whose blood or brains were spill'd in
Troy's siege, as long as Nestor's beard
Which rooks their nests did build in.
Virgil Æneas sung, of yore
Approv'd a valiant soldier,
Thro' slaughter, smoke, and flame, he bore
His Dad upon his shoulder:
(Else had some swaggering Grecian Boy
Soon made a hole in his skin,
And spitted him in burning Troy
To roast like a pork griskin.)
Æneas, hence, for piety
Was fam'd, or folks belie him;
Yet Helenus was as good as he,
And Chaplain to King Priam.
But why the merits do I vaunt
Of chaplain or of layman?
John W———s is brave as John of Gaunt,
Religious as a Bramin:
Where wit or weapon came in play
Nothing for John was too hard;
He wrote against the King all day,
And at night he fought his Steward.i
Eke was he Friar of Medenham,
And liv'd in orthodoxy;
For, when he could not pray himself,
The Monkey was his Proxy.
When he was blind and pennyless,
Descanted of the Spartan Dame,
Who a cuckold made of Menelaus:
His Heroes' sounding names you've heard,
Whose blood or brains were spill'd in
Troy's siege, as long as Nestor's beard
Which rooks their nests did build in.
Virgil Æneas sung, of yore
Approv'd a valiant soldier,
Thro' slaughter, smoke, and flame, he bore
His Dad upon his shoulder:
(Else had some swaggering Grecian Boy
Soon made a hole in his skin,
And spitted him in burning Troy
To roast like a pork griskin.)
Æneas, hence, for piety
Was fam'd, or folks belie him;
Yet Helenus was as good as he,
And Chaplain to King Priam.
But why the merits do I vaunt
Of chaplain or of layman?
John W———s is brave as John of Gaunt,
Religious as a Bramin:
Where wit or weapon came in play
Nothing for John was too hard;
He wrote against the King all day,
And at night he fought his Steward.i
Eke was he Friar of Medenham,
And liv'd in orthodoxy;
For, when he could not pray himself,
The Monkey was his Proxy.
CHORUS.
John W———s he was for M———x, &c.
John W———s he was for M———x, &c.
Old Shylock, the Jew-broker,
Was both covetous and cruel;
He hoarded up his ducats, and
He dined on watergruel;
And, when Anthonio could not pay
The monies he had borrow'd,
He pulled out his Snicker-snee
With imprecations horrid:
"Thy bond is forfeited," he cried,
"The Penalty, I ask it;
"Ay, and a pound of Christian flesh
"I'll cut from thy bread-basket."
But, when poor Sylva John besought
That he would but name his Pay-day,
John swore that he had no such word
In his Encylopedia:
Whereat this patient Israelite
He waxed wondrous ire:
But lo! John chous'd him of his bond,
And he burnt it in the fire.
Was both covetous and cruel;
He hoarded up his ducats, and
He dined on watergruel;
And, when Anthonio could not pay
The monies he had borrow'd,
He pulled out his Snicker-snee
With imprecations horrid:
"Thy bond is forfeited," he cried,
"The Penalty, I ask it;
"Ay, and a pound of Christian flesh
"I'll cut from thy bread-basket."
But, when poor Sylva John besought
That he would but name his Pay-day,
John swore that he had no such word
In his Encylopedia:
Whereat this patient Israelite
He waxed wondrous ire:
But lo! John chous'd him of his bond,
And he burnt it in the fire.
CHORUS.
John W———s he was for M———x, &c.
John W———s he was for M———x, &c.
Fair Hannah Snell her farthingale
Pull'd off and, under cover
Of breeches and a soldier's coat,
Pursued her absent lover:
Her bodkin, to a pike transform'd,
She brandish'd in her right hand,
And Frenchmen's souls thro' eyelet holes
I' their carcases she frighten'd:
This female Musqueteer her foes
As flat as flounders laid 'em;
Powder and ball serv'd her instead
Of powder and pomatum.
Paris, for love of Helena,
Kindled a fierce combustion;
Consum'd in flames the town of Troy,
And Priam's breeches fustian.
And great Alcides, son of Jove,
Maugre his strength and valour,
For love of beauteous Omphale
Became a woman's taylor:
He, who th' Augëan stables cleans'd,
A kerchief hemm'd to please her:
Antæus once he squeez'd to death,
But now became mop-squeezer:
Yet all this he endur'd for Love,
And eke bore many an hard drub:
But for Love of Parson H———'s lac'd coat
John ——— stole away his wardrobe.
Pull'd off and, under cover
Of breeches and a soldier's coat,
Pursued her absent lover:
Her bodkin, to a pike transform'd,
She brandish'd in her right hand,
And Frenchmen's souls thro' eyelet holes
I' their carcases she frighten'd:
This female Musqueteer her foes
As flat as flounders laid 'em;
Powder and ball serv'd her instead
Of powder and pomatum.
Paris, for love of Helena,
Kindled a fierce combustion;
Consum'd in flames the town of Troy,
And Priam's breeches fustian.
And great Alcides, son of Jove,
Maugre his strength and valour,
For love of beauteous Omphale
Became a woman's taylor:
He, who th' Augëan stables cleans'd,
A kerchief hemm'd to please her:
Antæus once he squeez'd to death,
But now became mop-squeezer:
Yet all this he endur'd for Love,
And eke bore many an hard drub:
But for Love of Parson H———'s lac'd coat
John ——— stole away his wardrobe.
CHORUS.
John W———s he was for M———x, &c.
John W———s he was for M———x, &c.
Mahomet, marching at the head
Of his victorious rabble,
His apostolic mission prov'd
With sword irrefragable;
A Heaven of wine and women preach'd,
To make men more devout;
And if he fail'd to turn[errata 1] their brains
His Saracens beat 'em out:
Gabriel took Mahomet to heav'n
And did a Mule provide him;
And thus John W———s to Brentford rode
With Parson H——— beside him:
There 'mongst the men of Middlesex
Renown and fame he got him,
And chosen was to mend the state,
Because 'twas old and rotten;
And Ch———n was after made
For 's just and righteous dealings;
They wisely trusted to his charge
All their half-crowns and shillings.
Then a fig for Mecca's Saint, a fig
For Tartar, Turk, or Saracen;
Our Ch———n that rascal-race
Excels beyond comparison:
Their Founder was an arrant cheat;
John W———s is no impostor:
He cares no more for the Alcoran
Than for the Pater Noster.
Of his victorious rabble,
His apostolic mission prov'd
With sword irrefragable;
A Heaven of wine and women preach'd,
To make men more devout;
And if he fail'd to turn[errata 1] their brains
His Saracens beat 'em out:
Gabriel took Mahomet to heav'n
And did a Mule provide him;
And thus John W———s to Brentford rode
With Parson H——— beside him:
There 'mongst the men of Middlesex
Renown and fame he got him,
And chosen was to mend the state,
Because 'twas old and rotten;
And Ch———n was after made
For 's just and righteous dealings;
They wisely trusted to his charge
All their half-crowns and shillings.
Then a fig for Mecca's Saint, a fig
For Tartar, Turk, or Saracen;
Our Ch———n that rascal-race
Excels beyond comparison:
Their Founder was an arrant cheat;
John W———s is no impostor:
He cares no more for the Alcoran
Than for the Pater Noster.
CHORUS.
John W———s he was for M———x, &c.
John W———s he was for M———x, &c.
Renown'd in ancient story was
St. George, the Capadocian,
Whose spear, like Turkey-rhubarb, set
The Dragon's guts in motion.
Achilles Hector did assail,
Transfix'd him with his javelin,
Then dragg'd him at his horse's tail
Round every Trojan ravelin.
Ryance his mantle lined with beards
Of kings, instead of ermine;k
And Arthur's royal chin to shave
With's broadsword did determine;
But Arthur quell'd the Welshman's boast,
He kill'd him dead as door-nail,
And sent him down his cheese to toast
At Pluto's fire infernal.
Intrepid Guy of Warwick to
A giant gave defiance;
Cut off his head and made him an
Example to all giants:
A fierce Dun Cow came in his way,
And on the head he knock'd her;
But valorous John W———s, he cow'd
Sir William B———p Pг———г.
St. George, the Capadocian,
Whose spear, like Turkey-rhubarb, set
The Dragon's guts in motion.
Achilles Hector did assail,
Transfix'd him with his javelin,
Then dragg'd him at his horse's tail
Round every Trojan ravelin.
Ryance his mantle lined with beards
Of kings, instead of ermine;k
And Arthur's royal chin to shave
With's broadsword did determine;
But Arthur quell'd the Welshman's boast,
He kill'd him dead as door-nail,
And sent him down his cheese to toast
At Pluto's fire infernal.
Intrepid Guy of Warwick to
A giant gave defiance;
Cut off his head and made him an
Example to all giants:
A fierce Dun Cow came in his way,
And on the head he knock'd her;
But valorous John W———s, he cow'd
Sir William B———p Pг———г.
CHORUS.
John W———s he was for M———x, &c.
John W———s he was for M———x, &c.
Your Ostrich, he will swallow brass,
And iron he loves dearly:
He'll pick up a peck of tenpenny nails
As cocks and hens do barley.
Powell, as some folks take small beer
To cool 'em when they've[errata 2] drank hard,
Steep'd in his brandy capsicum,
Like burrage in cold-tankard:
And redhot coals, instead of rolls,
Ate for his breakfast duly,
Burnt brimstone, gunpowder, and pitch
To him were soup and bouillie:
Sky-rockets, 'stead of sausages,
Ran hissing down his weasen;
Wash'd down with aqua-fortis strong,
To keep his guts from freezing.
The Dragon of Wantley churches ate,
(He us'd to come on a Sunday)
Whole congregations were to him
A dish of Salmagundi:
He gave no quarter, no not he,
To clergymen or laymen:
Crack'd ev'n the Sexton's jobberknowl,
And spoil'd him for saying Amen:
He pouch'd the Prebendaries all,
Who ne'er gave him an ill word;
Snapp'd up the Dean, as snug in his stall
As a maggot in a filbert.
The Corporation worshipful
He valued not an ace,
But swallow'd the Mayor, asleep in his chair,
And pick'd his teeth with the Mace.
He brows'd on monumental brass
Fix'd in the walls o' th' cloysters;
And shoals of bawling choristers
He ate, like scallop'd oysters.
He quarrell'd with the steeple clock
And ate him while he was striking;
Bellropes he munch'd for chitterlings,
Tho' they wer'n't so much to his liking:
Tombstones and monuments he took
For pills to cool his palate;
And cropt the church yard yew-trees all—
They serv'd him for a sallad.
The organ that so loud did roar
Devour'd he in his frolick;
And batten'd on the bellows-blower,
For he fear'd not the wind-colick.
To scape his sacrilegious maw
This Dragon he gave none chance,
But swallow'd the knave that set the stave,
And felt no qualm of conscience:
Parsons were his black-puddings, and
Fat Aldermen his capons;
And his tid-bit the Collection Plate
Brimful of Birmingham halfpence.
Clerks, Curates, Rectors, Bishops ate
This Dragon most uncivil;
And (but he never comes to church)
He would have ate the D—l.
But the Men of Aylesbury esteem
John W———s a greater rarity:
They made Him Trustee for their School,
And He swallow'd up the Charity.
And iron he loves dearly:
He'll pick up a peck of tenpenny nails
As cocks and hens do barley.
Powell, as some folks take small beer
To cool 'em when they've[errata 2] drank hard,
Steep'd in his brandy capsicum,
Like burrage in cold-tankard:
And redhot coals, instead of rolls,
Ate for his breakfast duly,
Burnt brimstone, gunpowder, and pitch
To him were soup and bouillie:
Sky-rockets, 'stead of sausages,
Ran hissing down his weasen;
Wash'd down with aqua-fortis strong,
To keep his guts from freezing.
The Dragon of Wantley churches ate,
(He us'd to come on a Sunday)
Whole congregations were to him
A dish of Salmagundi:
He gave no quarter, no not he,
To clergymen or laymen:
Crack'd ev'n the Sexton's jobberknowl,
And spoil'd him for saying Amen:
He pouch'd the Prebendaries all,
Who ne'er gave him an ill word;
Snapp'd up the Dean, as snug in his stall
As a maggot in a filbert.
The Corporation worshipful
He valued not an ace,
But swallow'd the Mayor, asleep in his chair,
And pick'd his teeth with the Mace.
He brows'd on monumental brass
Fix'd in the walls o' th' cloysters;
And shoals of bawling choristers
He ate, like scallop'd oysters.
He quarrell'd with the steeple clock
And ate him while he was striking;
Bellropes he munch'd for chitterlings,
Tho' they wer'n't so much to his liking:
Tombstones and monuments he took
For pills to cool his palate;
And cropt the church yard yew-trees all—
They serv'd him for a sallad.
The organ that so loud did roar
Devour'd he in his frolick;
And batten'd on the bellows-blower,
For he fear'd not the wind-colick.
To scape his sacrilegious maw
This Dragon he gave none chance,
But swallow'd the knave that set the stave,
And felt no qualm of conscience:
Parsons were his black-puddings, and
Fat Aldermen his capons;
And his tid-bit the Collection Plate
Brimful of Birmingham halfpence.
Clerks, Curates, Rectors, Bishops ate
This Dragon most uncivil;
And (but he never comes to church)
He would have ate the D—l.
But the Men of Aylesbury esteem
John W———s a greater rarity:
They made Him Trustee for their School,
And He swallow'd up the Charity.
CHORUS.
John W———s he was for M———x,
They chose him Knight of the Shire:
And he made a Fool of Alderman B———,
And call'd Parson H——— a Liar.
John W———s he was for M———x,
They chose him Knight of the Shire:
And he made a Fool of Alderman B———,
And call'd Parson H——— a Liar.
Errata