The Comical History of the Collier's Wedding

by Edward Chicken

THE

COMICAL HISTORY.

OF THE

COLLIER'S WEDDING.

AT

BENWELL,

NEAR

NEW CASTLE UPON TYNE.

BY

EDWARD CHICKEN.

 

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Some country girl, scarce to a courtsey bred
Would I much rather than Cornelia wed.
Dryden's Juvenal, St. 6.

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STIRLING:
Printed and Sold by C. Randall, 1808.

THE

 

COLLIER'S WEDDING

 

A POEM.

 

I sing not of great Caesar's might,
How brave he led his men to fight
Nor shew how haughty Cato dy'd
Or what could make him satisfy'd
Nor do I here attempt to tell
How Michael fought, or Satan fell.
I choose to sing in strains much lower,
Of Collier Lads, unusing, before;
What sport and feasting do ensue,
When such like mortals buckle to.
In former days when trade was good,
And men got money, clothes, and food,
When landlords were not too severe,
And tenants broke, not ev'ry year,
But liv'd in plenty, knew no need,
And had enough to do their deed;
Then country lads went neat and clean,
And lasses comely to be seen:
Strove with each other ev'ry day
Who wou'd excel at work or play;
Where honest servants, virtuous wives
Led harmless incentive lives;
Their greatest pride was just to know
When corn was ripe, or garss wou'd mow,
How cows, and sheep, and butter fold,
Or who was wed when she was old,
Then Collier Lads got money fast:
Had merry days while it did last;
Did feast, and drink, and game, and play,
And swore when they had nought to say.
They came to church but very rare,
But miss'd not when a bride was there;
Yet rested on the Sabbath day
From ev'ry thing, but drink and play.
And slept that day but not before
Their head and tail could hold no more,
Then like true cocks that love the game,
They'd rise and drink and sleep again.
Their wives cou'd drink as people say,
And hold as much, or more, than they;
Wou'd have their menseful penny spent,
With gossips, at a merriment!
These homely females drink no tea,
Nor chocolate' nor ratifea;
They made no visits aw no play,
But span their vacant hours away.
And thus the Colliers, and their Wives,
Liv'd drunken, honest, working lives;
Were very fond of one another,
And always married one thro' other.
The sons and daughters of this sort,
Were always fond of country sport
And all the young unmarried fry,
Did strive each her to outvy!
And would on hopping days be drest
Genteel, and in their very best,
Look smart, be clean from top to toe,
As all that wou'd be marry'd so.
So have I seen poor fishes caught,
By curious bait which men have wrought;
And from their wat'ry region bore,
By some small hairs, to die on shore,
So beauties, when they wou'd catch man,
Use ev'ry bait that will trepan;
And women's bait draw more than theirs,
They've brighter charms, and stronger hairs
A collier's daughter, brisk and clean,
Once at a country wake was seen;
The maid was born in Benwell town,
Was not too fair, nor yet too brown;
Of beauty she had got her part,
Enough to wound a collier's heart,
And then her name was up for this,
She lov'd to spin, but blush'd to kiss,
Her pliant limbs, when music play'd,
Cou'd humour ev'ry thing it said,
For when she tript it on the plain,
To Jocky's lost his fellow swain,
Her easy steps, and airy wheels,
Show'd she had music in her heels,
She dancʻd so well, so very long,
She won the smock, and pleased the throng.
A collier lad was standing by,
And view'd her with a lover's eye,
He scratch'd his head, and then he swore
That none had danc'd so well before,
Then made a brush up to the maid,
How do you lass? the lover said,
I'm glad to see ye, by my saul,
For sink my heart, thou's beat them all
Thou's warm'd their stomachs for them now
By G—d thou is a tuning sow.
Zo'ons, lass, come go I'll war'nt tho'us dry,
Come, fool, what ye look so shy?
Then seized her hand, and being strong,
He lugg'd the willing maid along,
She had not many words to say,
But hung an arse the country way,
Then gave a modest blush, and so
In silence gave consent to go.
He led her to an inn hard by,
Where drink was good, if she was dry,
In private they were o'er a pot,
With other cheer the house had got.
The lad must now declare his mind
And try to gain the lass in kind;
He gaped and stretch'd himself, and then
He rubb'd his eyes, and stretch'd again
And thus began; my comely Jenny,
"I love thee better far than any,
"If thou'll have me faith I’ll have thee;
"And love thee till the day I die.
"I'll work my bones to make thee easy,
"Do ev'ry thing in life to please ye,
"Both night and day I'll do my duty,
"For faith I canna live without ye.
She sigh'd and made him this reply,
"Come, let me go for shame O fy?
"So lad be quiet pray give o'er
"The folks are peeping thro the door,
"I cannot bear, you squeeze so hard,
"For heaven's sake have some regard;
"How can you use a body so;
"Take off your hand, pray let me go,
"May you be happy in some other,
"For I must wed to please my mother;
"But call if you should come our way,
"And hear what the old wife will say;
"Farewell, and thank you for this treat,
"I'll rest your debtor till we meet.
He flew to catch her just when rising.
For he was keen and past advising,
He clasp'd her close, and held her fast,
And wonder'd at her mighty haste;
Then stretch'd himself, and loll'd upon her,
And swore like any man of honour.
Thus country squires and merry blades,
Hug fresh unopen'd chamber-maids;
Will kiss them till their breath blow short,
To make them eager of the sport;
Then swearing he will seldom part
Without a maiden-head or heart.
Like them our furious country lover,
Made use of all his tools to move her;
He ply'd her all the afternoon,
And kept her for to melt her down;
He strok'd her neck and squeez'd her hand,
And press'd her till she could not stand;
And then she struggl'd in his arms.
With sweet disorder'd homely charms,
Till fear and love with equal grace,
Did varv colours in her face.
Her pulse beat quick, and breath went slow,
She just cou'd say, oh!—let me go?
I'm spent, undone, O lack a-day!
What can I either do or say?
Was ever lass in my condition?
For heaven's sake here but my petition,
Unfold your arms and give me air
And let me rest upon my chair,
I faint, O!—Tommy cut my lace,
And throw my apron o'er my face.
As when in wars great gen'rals fight,
For honour, victory, or right,
When they storm citadel or town,
And blow the forts and bulwarks down;
When those within can hold no longer,
Because the enemy is stronger,
Make signal that they do surrender.
By colour dropt, or some such tender,
So now our conquer'd yielding maid,
Drops both her colour and her head;
The woman works in ev'ry vain,
And life not spent returns again,
A rising blush attempts her face,
But fear at first denies its place;
With languid looks and downcast eyes,
She sees her lover in surprise;
is griev'd to think she makes him smart,
Yet fears to tell he's won her heart;
Her cheek with modest blushes burn,
And smiles increase as life return,
Then struggling for to shew her mind,
Her looks declare she wou'd be kind,
Yet cou'd not speak to let him know,
Your modest maids are alway so.
With am'rous looks he calls her jewel,
And said how can you be so cruel;
Come ease my mind and speak. my life
And give consent to be my wife;
For I can never love another,
Come I'll go with you to your mother;
Have her consent, hear what she'll say,
And then we'll fix our wedding day.
Before she spoke, she look'd about;
For she cou'd hold no longer out;
And when she saw that none was nigh,
She thus broke out I do comply;
You hug, and kiss, and squeeze me now,
But what will wedding make you do?
I never thought to marry any;
But, Tommy! thou hast conquer'd Jenny;
My heart, and every thing that's mine,
From henceforth, Tommy, shall be thine;
I'll love, and cherish, and obey,
And strive to please thee night and day.
He kiss'd, she leer'd and seem'd fain,
And rose and blush'd, and kiss'd again;
Then arm in arm, away they went,
To try old Bessy for consent,
For now they'd nothing more to do,
But make the mother buckle to;
Which must be done, or else the bargain
Wou'd not be worth a single farthing.
They trudg'd along, got home at last,
And found old Goody smocking fast;
Plac'd on a cracket near the fire,
Her spinning wheel was standing by her
Her coats lay up for fear of burning,
She lov'd all warm but hated burning
An earthen pot with huming bear
Stood on a table very near;
For she wou'd funk, smoke, fart, and drink,
And sometimes raise a hellish stink,
Our old wife turn'd her head about,
And spy'd at last her daughter out.
She cry'd, lass, where de'il hae thou been?
I thought thou wou'd no more be seen?
You've got your belly full of play,
I'll warran't ye've had a merry day;
For now it will be twelve o'clock,
And more, for I've spun off my rock,
Lass who's that with ye? who wou'd it be?
Sit still, says Tom 'tis none but me;
I came to have a little clash:
Hout lad get hame, ye're nought but fash;
My pipe's just out, then we'll to bed;
So, Jenny, come and loose my head,
And get some coals and mend the fire,
And lay my cods a little higher;
And, Tom before that ye get hame,
And give my service to your dame;
Die'l scratch your arse what brought you here?
Ye've kept our daughter up I fear,
Tom rose and came where Bessy sat,
And fann'd the fire with his hat;
Play'd with her pipe till it was broke,
And grin'd and laugh'd, and then he spoke
Your Jenny is my heart's delight;
De'il rive their sark gangs hame to night:
I'll have her had she not a smock,
If ye'll consent we'll call up Jock,
And raise up Doll to fetch a drink,
Come Bessy, speak what do you think:
The old wife cock'd her chin and spoke,
Why surely, Tom, you do but joke:
If ye're sincere as ye are warm
And means to do my bairn no harm.
Ye ken my daughter Jane's but young,
And may be easy overcome;
So court her first, hear what she'll say,
We'll have a drink and fix the day,
Her daughter Jane with modest grace,
And fingers spread before her face,
Cry'd, mother Tommy's won my heart
If ye'll consent we'll never part;
I love him as I do my life,
And wou'd be glad to be his wife,
When Bessy heard her daughter Jane
Declare herself so very plain,
The house was in an instant rais'd.
Grey-beard was wash'd the fire bleaz'd;
Strong beer was fetch'd, tobacco too,
Old Bessy drank till she was fou;
Then reel'd to Tom with her consent,
And spew'd her liquour as she went,
Old Jock and Doll lay on the floor,
For they cou'd drink and spew no more.
Our lovers now have all the play,
They bill, and fix their wedding day,
Things are concluded for the best.
And drunk and sober get no rest.
Now all the country lads around,
Who get their living under ground,
For to prepare themselves are told
When Tommy's wedding day will hold.
The maids have warning, friends beside,
Must all be there to meet the bride;
At Benwell' at her mother's house,
For Tommy gave the bride her choose,
The wedding dinner must be there,
Provided with the greatest care:
Now joy in every face is seen.
The lads are pleas'd the lasses keen;
Old men and wives they do declare,
They'll come to taste the bridegroom's fare.
The farmer waits not with more pain,
For former nor for latter rain;
Nor does the miser more desire
His coffers full, or int'rest higher;
Or landlords with the quarter-day,
When tenants are prepared to pay;
Nor those that in suspense do wait,
More anxious for the birth of fate;
Or longing mother's passion more,
For child, or joy unfelt before;
Than are our Lovers for the day,
To sport it, and the night away;
Their breasts are fir'd with equal flame,
They wish for what they blush to name;
They long the balmy joys to reap,
And kiss each other in their sleep;
But O! alas, this does no good,
It only raises flesh and blood,
Creates desire in ev'ry vein,
And makes things rise and fall again,
Long-wish'd for now is come at last,
The day appears the bride is drest,
The music makes the village ring,
The children shout the old wives sing,
Tom comes in triumph o'er the plain,
With collier lads, a jolly train;
They smoke along the dusty way,
Whips cracks for joy, the horses play,
The bridegroom rides in state before,
Midst clouds of dust the bagpipes roar,
The echo's borne on wings of air,
Make all the Benwell folk prepare,
Like streamers in the painted sky,
At every breast the favoure fly,
The blithsome, bucksome, country maids,
With knots of ribbons at their head,
And pirners flutt'ring in the wind,
That fan before, and toss behind,
Came there from each adjacent place,
Strength in their limbs, health in their face,
To do their honours to the bride,
and eat and drink, and dance beside.
Now all prepared and ready stand,
With fans and posies in their hand.
But hark! a distant noise they hear,
And some fore-riders do appear,
Proclaim with an exalted voice,
The bridegoom near they all rejoice,
Loud shouts and acclamations rise.
And sounds of joy in echo dies.
The bridegroom now appears in sight,
They all receive him with delight,
Clap hands and bid him welcome there,
And place him in the elbow chair;
Auld Bessy glad at his approach,
Brings on the cakes and barrel broach,
Then Tommy goes and kisses Jenny,
And says to her, how do you my hinny?
Pluck up your heart and never fear.
What makes you be so fad, my dear?
The priest will tell us what to say,
'Tis nothing but a perfect play;
I have the ring, and all things ready,
And faith thou's busked like any lady,
Thou looks so brisk it does me good;
Be quiet Tom, thou'll cramp my hood.
Come let us haste and go away,
Perhaps we make the parson stay:
And that you knows not fit to be,
Because we are not quality.
They all rise up, and think it time,
They haste for church for clocks struck nine
Two lusty lads, well dress'd and strong,
Stepp'd out to lead the bride along,
And two young maids of equal size
As soon the bridegoom's hands surprise;
The pipers wind and take their post,
And go before to clear the coast,
Then all the vast pernicious crowd,
With thund'ring tongues, and feet as loud,
Toss up their hats, clap hands, and hollow;
And mad with joy, like Bedlam follow,
Some shout the bride, aud some the groom,
Till just as mad to church they come;
Knock, swear, and rattle at the gate,
And vow to break the beadle's pate,
And call his wife a bitch and whore,
They will be in, or break the door?
They rive and tear, and make a noise,
Like rude distracted fools, or boys.
Now some slip out as sure as fate,
To tell the priest the people wait;
He picks and comes, when he does know,
For at the best he's very slow,
The gates fly open, all rush in,
The church is full with folks and din:
And all the crew, both great and small,
Behave as in a common hall;
For some, perhaps, that were threescore:
Were never twice in church before;
They scamper, climb, and break the pews,
To see the couple make their vows.
With solemn face the priest draw near,
Poor Tom and Jenny quake for fear;
Are singl'd out from all the band
That round about them gaping stand.
In decent order when they're got,
The priest proceed to tie the knot:
Then hands are join'd and loos'd again,
And Tommy says, I take thee, Jane;
Then Jenny looks a little shy,
And kneels, and says, 'I take Tommy,
But here's the blessing, or the curse,
'Tis done for better, or for worse,
For now their fairly in for life,
The priest declare them man and wife,
Our couple now kneel down to pray,
Much unacquainted with the way;
Whole troops of Colliers swarm around,
And seize poor Jenny on the ground.
Put up their hands to loose her garters,
And work for pluck about her quarters,
Till ribbons from her legs are torn,
And round the church in triumph born.
As when a conquest great was won
By Caesar, or by Philip's son,
They had the honour of the prize,
And all the shouts that did arise;
So now the fame and praise attend
The garters, and the bridegroom's friend.
The wedding now is fairly o'er,
The fees are paid, but nothing more,
The bridegroom he comes foremost out
He cocks his hat and looks about?
The piper's play for victory,
I'll make thee fain to follow me.
Four rustic fellows wait the while,
To kiss the bride at the church style:
Then vig'rous mount their felter'd steed,
With heavy heels, and clumsy heads;
To scourge them going head and tail,
To win that country calls the kail,
Spruce Tommy now leads first away,
For Jenny's bound and must obey,
Bur most wives think't a sad disaster,
To have the man be one day master,
And must be rid or they submit
With whip and spur, and temper'd bit:
Must taste the sweets and plagues of marriage
Before they have an easy carriage,
Yet here our bride must have her due,
She stuck as close to Tom as glue,
Tuck'd up her coats to mend her pace.
And walk'd till sweat ran down her face;
Sturdy she rak'd along the plain,
To keep in view her fellow swain,
And kindly follows Tommy's lead,
That she at night on joys might feed.
If he prepares when things are drest,
I pawn my life she'll be his guest,
Stick close, and stuck and round him twine
Till Phœbus thro' the curtains shine,
Surround their pillows with bright rays,
And with them many happy days,
Now they arrive all in a foam,
The old wife bids them welcome home,
Salutes her daughter and her son,
So now begins the merry fun.
The greesy cock at once appears,
And thunders mischief in their ears,
She scolds and brawls, and makes a noise,
And throws her fat amongst the boys;
Now runs to see the kettle boil,
Mean while she lets the butter boil,
Then boxes her who turns the spit,
And cries you jade, you'll burn the meat;
Fire, smoke, and fury round her goes,
She's burnt her apron, sing'd her clothes;
The dinner will be spoilt she cries;
That goose will not be half enough,
The beef is old and will be tough;
Here lass, some flour to dridge the veal;
I wish your dinner at the de'il;
Come take your seats, and stand, away,
Good God! the baker's burnt the pies,
My laddle has not room to play,
The hens and cocks are just laid down,
I never thought you'd come so soon,
And thus, with such like noise and din.
The wedding banquet does begin,
Impatient for the want of meat,
They sneak and cannot keep their seat,
Play on the plates, drum on the table,
And fast as long as they are able;
Then count the number of their knives.
And who is there who has not wives;
Unfold the napkins, lay them down,
Then tell the letters of a spoon,
Some eat the bread some lik the sa't;
Some drink, and other's find some fault.
Disorder is in every place;
And hungry looks in every face;
In short they cou'd no longer put
For belly thinks the throat is cut?
They damn and sink, and curse the cook,
And give her many a frightful look;
They call her bitch, and jade, and sow:
She says she does what sire can do:
And thus their guts disturb and vex em,
For want of patience both perplex 'em
Thus hungry, raw, unthinking youth
Run home from school with open mouth,
Are mad for meat, and wild for play
Impatient at the maids delay:
Will dip their bread in dripping pan,
With all the eagerness they can;
Disturb the house and teaze their mother,
And fight with sister, or with brother;
Roar, punch, and kick and play the fool,
And cry they'll be too long for school,
Burn plates, and discompose the table,
Do all the mischief they are able,
Abuse the maids, climb on the chairs,
And dirty all the new clean'd stairs,
Till tray from his machine descends,
And Peggy draws to make all friends,
Then dinner comes, they eat are pleas'd
March of to school, the house is eas'd.
At last the beef appears in sight,
The groom moves slow the pond'rous weight
Then haste is made, the table clad,
No patience till the grace is said,
Swift to the smocking beef they fly,
Some cut their passage thro' a pye,
Out streams the gravy on the cloth,
Some burn their tongue with scalding broth
But rolling spices made them fain,
They shake their heads, and sup again,
Cut up that goose, cries one below,
And send us down a leg, or so,
An honest neighbour tries the point,
Works hard but cannot hit a joint;
The bride sat nigh, she rose in prim',
And cut and tore it limb from limb.
Now geese, cock hens, their fury feel,
Extended jaws devour the veal;
Each rives, and eats what he can get,
And all is fish that comes to net;
No qualmish appetites here fit,
None curious for a dainty bit.
The bridegroom waits with active force
And brings them drink 'twixt ev'ry course
With napkin round his body girt,
To keep his cloaths from grease and dirt.
With busy face he runs about,
To fill the pots which are drunk out.
Old Bessy, dress'd in all her airs,
Gives her attendance in the stairs,
There she receives the broken meat,
Just when it is not fit to eat;
Plates, knives, and spoons about are tost,
The old wife's care's that nought be lost
By her the borrow'd things are known,
She wishes folks may get their own.
Now all are full, the meat away,
The table drawn, the music play;
The bridegroom first assumes the floor,
And dances all the maidens o'er;
Then rubs his face, and makes a bow,
So marches off what can he do?
He must not tire himself outright,
He expects another dance at night.
In ev'ry room both high and low,
The fidlers play, the bagpipes blow,
Some shout the bride, and some the groom,
They roar the very music dumb,
Hard over head, and one thro' other,
They dance with sister and with brother,
Their common tune is, Get her bo,
The weary lass cries music so,
Till tir'd incircling round they wheel,
And beat the ground with toe and heel.
A collier lad of taller size,
With rings of dust about his eyes,
Laid down his pipe, rose from the table,
And swore he'd dance while he was able,
He catch'd a partner by the hand,
And kiss'd her for to make her stand,
And then he bid the music play,
And said, now lass come dance away:
He led her off, just when begun,
She stopt, and cry'd some other tune,
Then whisper'd in the piper's ear,
So loud that every one might hear,
I'd have you play me Jumping John,
He turn'd his reed, and try'd his drone,
The pipes scream out her fav'rite jig,
Then knack'd her thumbs, stood her trig,
Then cock'd her belly up a little,
Then wet her fingers with her spittle,
So off–she goes,—the collier lad
Sprung from the floor, and danc'd like mad,
They sweep each corner of the room,
And all stood clear, where o'er they come,
They dance and tire the piper out,
And all's concluded with a shout.
Old Bessy next was taken in,
She curl'd her nose, and cock'd her chin,
Then held her coats on either side,
And kneel'd and cry'd, up with the bride;
Come, piper, says the good old woman,
Play me, the joyful days are coming,
I'll dance for joy, upon my life,
For now my daughter's made a wife.
The old wife did what limbs could do,
Well danc'd old Bessy, cry'd the crew,
The goody laugh'd, and shew'd her teeth,
And said, sirs. I have no breath,
I once was thought right good at this,
So kneel'd, and mumbl'd up his kiss.
And thus the day in pleasure flies,
Till shining Phœbus quit the skies,
The gladsome day doth now approach,
The barrels found no more at broach,
There's but a pipe for ev'ry one,
The dear tobacco's almost gone,
The candles in their sockets wink,
Now sweat, now drop, then die and stink;
Intoxicating fumes arise,
They reel and rub their drowsy eyes,
Dead drunk, some tumble on the floor,
And swim in what they drank before,
Hik-up, cries one, reach me your hand,
The house turns round I cannot stand;
So now the drunken senseless crew,
Break pipes, spill drink, piss, shite and spew,
The sleepy hens now mount their balk,
Ducks, quack, flap wings, and homewards walk;
The lab'ring peasnt weary grown,
Embraces night, and trudges home.
The posset made, the bride is led,
In great procession to her bed.
The females with an edict come,
That all the men depart the room
On pain and scandal and disgrace,
If any one stay in the place;
Their proclamation is obey'd,
The men walk out till she be laid;
But with this cautious reprimand,
The posset should get leave to stand;
Be unmolested feel no lip,
Nor any one attempt to sip;
They all declare they'll be accurst,
If bride and bridegroom drink not first
When young and old, and all are out,
They shut the doors, and spy about;
A general search is quickly made,
Left any lie in ambuscade;
So when they think all places sure,
And holes and corners all secure,
That none cou'd see, nor none cou'd hear.
Nor none rush in to make them fear,
Then one, far wiser than the rest,
Who knew the way of bedding best,
Steps up to Jenny bath'd in tears,
And thus with council fills her cares;
Come, wipe your face for shame don't cry,
We all were made with men to lie;
And Tommy, if I guess but right,
Will make you have a merry night,
Be courteous, kind, lie in his arms,
And let him rifle all your charms
If he shou'd rise, do you lye still,
He'll fall again, give him his will;
Lie close and keep your husband warm:
And as I live you'll get no harm;
Be mannerly in every posture,
Take this advice from Nanny Foster.
Thus spoke she ran and catch'd the bowel
Where curran cakes in ale did roll;
Then, with a smile, said, Jenny, lass
Come here's thy health without a glass;
Her arm supports it to her head,
She drinks, and gobbles up the bread;
So every one their courses took,
Some watch for fear the men shou'd look
Their hasty promise soon was broke,
For they must either drink or choke.
Now some prepare t'undress the bride,
While others tame the posset's pride
Some loose her head, and some her stays,
And so undress her sundry ways;
Then quickly lay the bride in bed,
And bound a ribbon round her head,
Her back and breasts are both display'd,
And every charm in order laid.
Now all being ready for Tom's coming
The doors are open'd by the women;
Inpatient Tommy rushes in,
And thinks that they have longsome been,
The men's unwilling to withdraw,
They must go out for that's the law,
Now Tommy next must be undrest,
But which of them can do it best,
It is no matter, all assist,
Some at his feet, some at his breast,
Soon they undress the jolly blade,
And into bed he's fairly laid.
Between the sheets now view this pair,
And think what merry work was there;
The stocking thrown the company gone,
And Tom and Jenny both alone;
No light was there but Jenny's charms,
And Tom had all those in his arms,
No he is master of his wishes,
And treats her with ten thousand kisses;
Young Tommy cock'd, and Jenny spread,
So here I leave them both in bed.

FINIS.