The Drum Beat/Number 10/Odds and Ends
ODDS AND ENDS.
How do we know that there was a financial panic in Egypt in the days of Moses? Because Pharaoh's daughter went down to the Bank, and drew out a deposit; and we gather from the context that there were rushes upon the Banks at that time.
The Ethiopian Humorist has sagely remarked that two of the most striking characters delineated by the immortal Shakspeare were Cash-I-owe and Der's-de-money.
"Ah, Jemmy," said a sympathizing friend to a man who was just too late for the train, "you did not run fast enough." "Yes, I did," said Jemmy, "I ran fast enough, but I did not start soon enough."
Quilp is a great admirer of children, and says he likes the crying ones best! A matron, with a baby in her arms, smiled at his odd fancy, and asked him the reason of it. "Why, you see, madam," said Quilp, "I have observed that in well-ordered families as soon as a child cries, they carry him out of the room."
The reason why an old maid is generally so devoted to her cat is, that, not having a husband, she naturally takes to the next most treacherous animal.
A celebrated Oxford scholar, who professed an indifference to music, was once asked what he thought of an orchestra which had been performing a grand overture. He replied that he was chiefly impressed "by the wonderful coincidences of the fiddlers' elbows."
Grammar on the Prairies.—A traveller out West saw a woman calling out, as he thought, to a parcel of children playing in the road. Accordingly he said to them:
"Children, your mother is calling you."
"Oh," responded one of them, "her ain't a calling we, us don't belong to she."
[Schoolmaster "abroad!"]
A gentleman always tardy in his habits once reached the place of a business-appointment in time. His partner, bustling in, exclaimed, with surprise:
"Well, I'm glad to see you first at last; you've always been behind before!"
Why is a watch so easily picked?
Because it always has two hands on it.
Why ought the night to be a good timekeeper?
Because it has four watches.
CHARADE.
'Twas read by one who had lost his Sight,
The Dumb repeated it word for word,
And he was Deaf who listened and heard.