The Works of the Rev. Jonathan Swift/Volume 8/Polite Conversation - Dialog II.
DIALOGUE II.
Lord Smart and the former company at three o'clock coming to dine.
After salutations.
Lord Smart. I'M sorry I was not at home this morning, when you all did us the honour to call here: but I went to the levee to day.
Ld. Sparkish. O! my lord; I'm sure the loss was ours.
Lady Smart. Gentlemen and ladies, you are come to a sad dirty house; I am sorry for it, but we have had our hands in mortar.
Ld. Sparkish. O! madam; your ladyship is pleas'd to say so; but I never saw any thing so clean and so fine; I profess, it is a perfect paradise.
Lady Smart. My lord, your lordship is always very obliging.
Ld. Sparkish. Pray, madam, whose picture is that?
Lady Smart. Why, my lord, it was drawn for me.
Ld. Sparkish. I'll swear the painter did not flatter your ladyship.
Col. My lord, the day is finely clear'd up.
Ld. Smart. Ay, colonel; 'tis a pity that fair weather should ever do any harm. [To Neverout.] Why, Tom, you are high in the mode.
Neverout. My lord, it is better to be out of the world than out of the fashion.
Ld. Smart. But, Tom, I hear you and miss are always quarrelling: I fear, it is your fault; for I can assure you, she is very good humour'd.
Neverout. Ay, my lord; so is the devil when he's pleas'd.
Ld. Smart. Miss, what do you think of my friend Tom?
Miss. My lord, I think he's not the wisest man in the world; and truly, he's sometimes very rude.
Ld. Sparkish. That may be true; but yet, he that hangs Tom for a fool, may find a knave in the halter.
Miss. Well, however, I wish he were hanged, if it were only to try.
Neverout. Well, miss, if I must be hang'd, I won't go far to choose my gallows; it shall be about your fair neck.
Miss. I'll see your nose cheese first, and the dogs eating it: but, my lord, Mr. Neverout's wit begins to run low; for, I vow, he said this before; pray, colonel, give him a pinch, and I'll do as much for you.
Ld. Sparkish. My Lady Smart, your ladyship has a very fine scarf.
Lady Smart. Yes, my lord; it will make a flaming figure in a country church.
Footman comes in.
Footman. Madam, dinner's upon the table.
Col. Faith, I am glad of it; my belly began to cry cupboard.
Neverout. I wish I may never hear worse news.
Miss. What! Mr. Neverout, you are in great haste; I believe your belly thinks your throat is cut.
Neverout. No, faith, miss; three meals a day, and a good supper at night, will serve my turn.
Miss. To say the truth, I'm hungry.
Neverout. And I'm angry; so let us both go fight.
They go in to dinner, and, after the usual compliments, take their seats.
Lady Smart. Ladies and gentlemen, will you eat any oysters before dinner?
Col. With all my heart. [takes an oyster.] He was a bold man that first eat an oyster.
Lady Smart. They say, oysters are a cruel meat, because we eat them alive: then they are an uncharitable meat, for we leave nothing to the poor; and they are an ungodly meat, because we never say grace.
Neverout. Faith, that's as well said as, if I had said it myself.
Lady Smart. Well, we are well set if we be but as well serv'd: come, colonel, handle your arms; shall I help you to some beef?
Col. If your ladyship please; and, pray, don't cut like a mother-in-law, but send me a large slice: for I love to lay a good foundation. I vow, 'tis a noble sirloin.
Neverout. Ay; here's cut and come again.
Miss. But pray, why is it call'd a sirloin?
Ld. Smart. Why you must know, that our king James the first, who lov'd good eating, being invited to dinner by one of his nobles, and seeing a large loin of beef at his table, he drew out his sword, and in a frolick knighted it. Few people know the secret of this.
Lady Sparkish. Beef is man's meat, my lord.
Ld. Smart. But, my lord, I say, beef is the king of meat.
Miss. Pray, what have I done, that I must not have a plate?
Lady Smart. [to lady Answ.] What will your ladyship please to eat?
Lady Answ. Pray, madam, help yourself.
Col. They say, eating and scratching wants but a beginning: if you'll give me leave, I'll help myself to a slice of this shoulder of veal.
Lady Smart. Colonel, you can't do a kinder thing: well, you are all heartily welcome, as I may say.
Col. They say there are thirty and two good bits in a shoulder of veal.
Lady Smart. Ay, colonel; thirty bad bits and two good ones; you see I understand you; but I hope you have got one of the two good ones.
Neverout. Colonel, I'll be of your mess.
Col. Then pray, Tom, carve for yourself; they say, two hands in a dish, and one in a purse: Hah! said I well, Tom?
Neverout. Colonel, you spoke like an oracle.
Miss. [to lady Answ.] Madam, will your ladyship help me to some fish?
Ld. Smart. [to Neverout.] Tom, they say fish should swim thrice.
Neverout. How is, that, my lord?
Ld. Smart. Why, Tom, first it should swim in the sea (do you mind me?) then it should swim in butter; and at last, sirrah, it should swim in good claret. I think I have made it out.
Footman. [to Ld. Smart.] My lord, sir John Linger is coming up.
Ld. Smart. God so! I invited him to dine with me to day, and forgot it: well, desire him to walk in.
Sir John Linger comes in.
Sir John. What! are you at it? why, then, I'll be gone.
Lady Smart. Sir John, I beg you will sit down; come, the more the merrier.
Sir John. Ay; but the fewer the better cheer.
Lady Smart. Well, I am the worst in the world at making apologies; it was my lord's fault: I doubt you must kiss the hare's foot.
Sir John. I see you are fast by the teeth.
Col. Faith, sir John, we are killing that that would kill us.
Ld. Sparkish. You see, sir John, we are upon a business of life and death; come, will you do as we do? you are come in pudding-time.
Sir John. Ay; this would be doing if I were dead. What! you keep court hours I see: I'll be going, and get a bit of meat at my inn.
Lady Smart. Why, we won't eat you, sir John.
Sir John. It is my own fault; but I was kept by a fellow, who bought some Derbyshire oxen of me.
Neverout. You see, sir John, we staid for you as one horse does for another.
Lady Smart. My lord, will you help sir John to some beef? Lady Answerall, pray eat, you see your dinner: I am sure, if we had known we should have such good company, we should have been better provided; but you must take the will for the deed. I'm afraid you are invited to your loss.
Col. And pray, sir John, how do you like the town? you have been absent a long time.
Sir John. Why, I find little London stands just where it did when I left it last.
Neverout. What do you think of Hanover square? Why, sir John, London is gone out of town since you saw it.
Lady Smart. Sir John, I can only say, you are heartily welcome; and I wish I had something better for you.
Col. Here's no salt; cuckolds will run away with the meat.
Ld. Smart. Pray edge a little, to make more room for sir John: sir John, fall to: you know, half an hour is soon lost at dinner.
Sir John. I protest I can't eat a bit, for I took share of a beefsteak and two mugs of ale with my chapman, beside a tankard of March beer, as soon as I got out of my bed.
Lady Answ. Not fresh and fasting, I hope?
Sir John. Yes, faith, madam; I always wash my kettle before I put the meat in it.
Lady Smart. Poh! sir John, you have seen nine houses since you eat last: come, you have kept a corner of your stomach for a piece of venison pasty.
Sir John. Well, I'll try what I can do when it comes up.
Lady Answ. Come, sir John, you may go farther, and fare worse.
Miss. [to Neverout.] Pray, Mr. Neverout, will you please to send me a piece of tongue?
Neverout. By no means, madam; one tongue's enough for a woman.
Col. Miss, here's a tongue that never told a lie.
Miss. That was, because it could not speak. Why, colonel, I never told a life in my life.
Neverout. I appeal to all the company, whether that be not the greatest lie that ever was told?
Col. [to Neverout.] Prithee, Tom, send me the two legs, and rump, and liver of that pigeon; for, you must know, I love what nobody else loves.
Neverout. But what if any of the ladies should long? Well, here take it, and the d—l do you good with it.
Lady Answ. Well; this eating and drinking takes away a body's stomach.
Neverout. I am sure I have lost mine.
Miss. What! the bottom of it, I suppose.
Neverout. No, really, miss; I have quite lost it.
Miss. I should be very sorry a poor body had found it.
Lady Smart. But, sir John, we hear you are, married since we saw you last: what! you have stolen a wedding, it seems?
Sir John. Well; one can't do a foolish thing once in one's life, but one must hear of it a hundred times.
Col. And, pray, sir John, how does your lady unknown?
Sir John. My wife's well, colonel, and at your service in a civil way. Ha, ha!
Miss. Pray, sir John, is your lady tall or short?
Sir John. Why, miss, I thank God, she is a little evil.
Ld. Sparkish. Come, give me a glass of claret.
Footman fills him a bumper.
Ld. Sparkish. Why do you fill so much?
Neverout. My lord, he fills as he loves you.
Lady Smart. Miss, shall I send you some cucumber?
Miss. Madam, I dare not touch it: for they say, cucumbers are cold in the third degree.
Lady Smart. Mr. Neverout, do you love pudding?
Neverout. Madam, I'm like all fools, I love every thing that is good; but the proof of the pudding is in the eating.
Col. Sir John, I hear you are a great walker, when you are at home.
Sir John. No, faith, colonel; I always love to walk with a horse in my hand: but I have had devilish bad luck in horse flesh of late.
Ld. Smart. Why then, sir John, you must kiss a parson's wife.
Lady Smart. They say, sir John, that your lady has a great deal of wit.
Sir John. Madam, she can make a pudding; and has just wit enough to know her husband's breeches from another man's.
Ld. Smart. My lord Sparkish, I have some excellent cider; will you please to taste it?
Ld. Sparkish. My lord, I should like it well enough, if it were not treacherous.
Ld. Smart. Pray, my lord, how is it treacherous?
Ld. Sparkish. Because it smiles in my face, and cuts my throat.
Miss. Odd-so! madam; your knives are very sharp, for I have cut my finger.
Lady Smart. I am sorry for it; pray, which finger? (God bless the mark!)
Miss. Why, this finger: no, 'tis this: I vow I can't find which it is.
Neverout. Ay; the fox had a wound, and he could not tell where, &c. Bring some water to throw in her face.
Miss. Pray, Mr. Neverout, did you ever draw a sword in anger? I warrant, you would faint at the sight of your own blood.
Lady Smart. Mr, Neverout, shall I send you some veal?
Neverout. No, madam; I don't love it.
Miss. Then pray for them that do. I desire your ladyship will send me a bit.
Ld. Smart. Tom, my service to you.
Neverout. My lord, this moment I did myself the honour to drink to your lordship.
Ld. Smart. Why then that's Hertfordshire kindness.
Neverout. Faith, my lord, I pledged myself; for I drank twice together without thinking.
Ld. Sparkish. Why then, colonel, my humble service to you.
Neverout. Pray, my lord, don't make a bridge of my nose.
Ld. Sparkish. Well, a glass of this wine is as comfortable as matrimony to an old woman.
Col. Sir John, I design one of these days to come and beat up your quarters in Derbyshire.
Sir John. Faith, colonel, come, and welcome: and stay away, and heartily welcome: but you were born within the sound of Bow bell, and don't care to stir so far from London.
Miss. Pray, colonel, send me some fritters.
Colonel takes them out with his hand.
Col. Here, miss; they say fingers were made before forks, and hands before knives.
Lady Smart. Methinks this pudding is too much boil'd.
Lady Answ. O! madam, they say a pudding is poison, when it is too much boil'd.
Neverout. Miss, shall I help you to a pigeon? here's a pigeon so finely roasted, it cries, Come eat me.
Miss. No, sir; I thank you.
Neverout. Why, then you may choose.
Miss. I have chosen already.
Neverout. Well, you may be worse offered, before you are twice married.
The Colonel fills a large plate of soup.
Ld. Smart. Why, colonel, you don't mean to eat all that soup.
Col. O, my lord, this is my sick dish; when I'm well, I'll have a bigger.
Miss. [to Col.] Sup, Simon; very good broth.
Neverout. This seems to be a good pullet.
Miss. I warrant, Mr. Neverout knows what's good for himself.
Ld. Sparkish. Tom, I sha'nt take your word for it; help me to a wing.
Neverout tries to cut off a wing.
Neverout. Egad, I can't hit the joint.
Ld. Sparkish. Why then, think of a cuckold.
Neverout. O! now I have nick'd it.
Ld. Sparkish. Why, a man may eat this, though his wife lay a dying.
Col. Pray, friend, give me a glass of small beer, if it be good.
Ld. Smart. Why, colonel, they say, there is no such thing as good small beer, good brown bread, or a good old woman.
Lady Smart. [to lady Answ.] Madam, I beg your ladyship's pardon; I did not see you when I was cutting that bit.
Lady Answ. O! madam; after you is good manners.
Lady Smart. Lord! here's a hair in the sauce.
Lady Sparkish. Then set the hounds after it.
Neverout. Pray, colonel, help me however to some of that same sauce.
Col. Come, I think you are more sauce than pig.
Ld. Smart. Sir John, cheer up: my service to you: well, what do you think of the world to come?
Sir John. Truly, my lord, I think of it as little as I can.
Lady Smart. [putting a skewer on a plate.] Here, take this skewer, and carry it down to the cook, to dress it for her own dinner.
Neverout. I beg your ladyship's pardon; but this small beer is dead.
Lady Smart. Why, then, let it be buried.
Col. This is admirable black pudding; miss, shall I carve you some? I can just carve pudding, and that's all; I am the worst carver in the world; I should never make a good chaplain.
Miss. No, thank ye, colonel; for they say those that eat black pudding will dream of the devil.
Ld. Smart. O, here comes the venison pasty: here, take the soup away.
Ld. Smart. [He cuts it up, and tastes the venison.] 'Sbuds, this venison is musty.
Neverout eats a piece, and it burns his mouth.
Ld. Smart. What's the matter, Tom? you have tears in your eyes, I think: what dost cry for, man?
Neverout. My lord, I was just thinking of my poor grandmother! she died just this very day seven years.
Miss takes a bit and burns her mouth.
Neverout. And pray, miss, why do you cry too?
Miss. Because you were not hang'd the day your grandmother died.
Ld. Smart. I'd have given forty pounds, miss, to have said that.
Col. Egad, I think the more I eat, the hungrier I am.
Ld. Sparkish. Why, colonel, they say, one shoulder of mutton drives down another.
Neverout. Egad, if I were to fast for my life, I would take a good breakfast in the morning, a good dinner at noon, and a good supper at night.
Ld. Sparkish. My lord, this venison is plaguily pepper'd; your cook has a heavy hand.
Ld. Smart. My lord, I hope you are pepper-proof: come, here's a health to the founders.
Lady Smart. Ay; and to the confounders too.
Ld. Smart. Lady Answerall, does not your ladyship love venison?
Lady Answ. No, my lord, I can't endure it in my sight; therefore please to send me a good piece of meat and crust.
Ld. Sparkish. [drinks to Neverout.] Come, Tom; not always to my friends, but once to you.
Neverout. [drinks to Lady Smart] Come, madam; here's a health to our friends, and hang the rest of our kin.
Lady Smart. [to lady Answ.] Madam, will your ladyship have any of this hare?
Lady Answ. No, madam; they say, 'tis melancholy meat.
Lady Smart. Then, madam, shall I send you the brains? I beg your ladyship's pardon; for they say, 'tis not good manners to offer brains.
Lady Answ. No, madam; for perhaps it will make me hairbrain'd.
Neverout. Miss, I must tell you one thing.
Miss. [with a glass in her hand.] Hold your tongue, Mr. Neverout; don't speak in my tip.
Col. Well, he was an ingenious man that first found out eating and drinking.
Ld. Sparkish. Of all vittles drink digests the quickest: give me a glass of wine.
Neverout. My lord, your wine is too strong.
Ld. Smart. Ay, Tom, as much as you're too good.
Miss. This almond pudding was pure good; but it is grown quite cold.
Neverout. So much the better, miss, cold pudding will settle your love.
Miss. Pray, Mr. Neverout, are you going to take a voyage?
Neverout. Why do you ask, miss?
Miss. Because you have laid in so much beef.
Sir John. You two have eat up the whole pudding between you.
Miss. Sir John, here's a little bit left; will you please to have it?
Sir John. No, thankee; I don't love to make a fool of my mouth.
Col. [calling to the butler] John, is your small beer good?
Butler. An please your honour, my lord and lady like it; I think it is good.
Col. Why then, John, d'ye see, if you are sure your small beer is good, d'ye mark? then, give me a glass of wine.
Colonel tasting the wine.
Ld. Smart. Sir John, how does your neighbour Gatherall of the Peak? I hear he has lately made a purchase.
Sir John. O! Dick Gatherall knows how to butter his bread as well as any man in Derbyshire.
Ld. Smart. Why he us'd to go very fine, when he was here in town.
Sir John. Ay; and it became him, as a saddle becomes a sow.
Col. I know his lady, and I think she is a very good woman.
Sir John. Faith, she has more goodness in her little finger than he has in his whole body.
Ld. Smart. Well, colonel, how do you like that wine?
Col. This wine should be eaten; it is too good to be drunk.
Ld. Smart. I'm very glad you like it; and pray don't spare it.
Col. No, my lord; I'll never starve in a cook's shop.
Ld. Smart. And pray, sir John, what do you say to my wine?
Sir John. I'll take another glass first: second thoughts are best.
Ld. Sparkish. Pray, lady Smart, you sit near that ham; will you please to send me a bit?
Lady Smart. With all my heart. [She sends him a piece] Pray, my lord, how do you like it?
Ld. Sparkish. I think it is a limb of Lot's wife. [He eats it with mustard] Egad, my lord, your mustard is very uncivil.
Lady Smart. Why uncivil, my lord?
Ld. Sparkish. Because it takes me by the nose, egad.
Lady Smart. Mr. Neverout, I find you are a very good carver.
Col. O madam, that is no wonder; for you must know, Tom Neverout carves o' Sundays.
Neverout overturns the saltcellar.
Lady Smart. Mr. Neverout, you have overturn'd the salt, and that's a sign of anger: I'm afraid miss and you will fall out.
Lady Answ. No, no; throw a little of it into the fire, and all will be well.
Neverout. O, madam, the falling out of lovers, you know.
Miss. Lovers! very fine! fall out with him! I wonder when we were in.
Sir John. For my part, I believe the young gentlewoman is his sweetheart, there's so much fooling and fiddling betwixt them: I'm sure, they say in our country, that shiddle-come sh—'s the beginning of love.
Miss. I own, I love Mr. Neverout as the devil loves holywater: I love him like pie, I'd rather the devil had him than I.
Neverout. Miss, I'll tell you one thing.
Miss. Come, here's t' ye, to stop your mouth.
Neverout. I'd rather you would stop it with a kiss.
Miss. A kiss! marry come up, my dirty cousin; are you no sicker? Lord! I wonder what fool it was that first invented kissing!
Neverout. Well, I'm very dry.
Miss. Then you're the better to burn, and the worse to fry.
Lady Answ. God bless you, colonel, you have a good stroke with you.
Col. O, madam, formerly I could eat all, but now I leave nothing; I eat but one meal a day.
Miss. What! I suppose, colonel, that is from morning till night.
Neverout. Faith, miss; and well was his wont.
Ld. Smart. Pray, lady Answerall, taste this bit of venison.
Lady Answ. I hope your lordship will set me a good example.
Ld. Smart. Here's a glass of cider fill'd: miss, you must drink it.
Miss. Indeed, my lord, I can't.
Neverout. Come, miss; better belly burst, than good liquor be lost.
Miss. Pish! well in life there was never any thing so teasing; I had rather shed it in my shoes: I wish it were in your guts, for my share.
Ld. Smart. Mr. Neverout, you ha'nt tasted my cider yet.
Neverout. No, my lord; I have been just eating soup; and they say, if one drinks with one's porridge, one will cough in one's grave.
Ld. Smart. Come, take miss's glass, she wish'd it was in your guts; let her have her wish for once: ladies can't abide to have their inclinations cross'd.
Lady Smart. [to sir John] I think, Sir John, you have not tasted the venison yet.
Sir John. I seldom eat it, madam; however, please to send me a little of the crust.
Ld. Sparkish. Why, sir John, you had as good eat the devil as the broth he is boil'd in.
Col. Well, this eating and drinking takes away a body's stomach, as lady Answerall says.
Neverout. I have dined as well as my lord mayor.
Miss. I thought I could have eaten this wing of a chicken; but my eye's bigger than my belly.
Ld. Smart. Indeed, lady Answerall, you have eaten nothing.
Lady Answ. Pray, my lord, see all the bones on my plate: they say a carpenter's known by his chips.
Neverout. Miss, will you reach me that glass of jelly?
Miss. [giving it to him] You see, 'tis but ask and have.
Neverout. Miss, I would have a bigger glass.
Miss. What? you don't know your own mind; you are neither well, full nor fasting; I think that is enough.
Neverout. Ay, one of the enoughs; I am sure it is little enough.
Miss. Yes; but you know, sweet things are bad for the teeth.
Neverout. [to lady Answ.] Madam, I don't like that part of the veal you sent me.
Lady Answ. Well, Mr. Neverout, I find you are a true Englishman; you never know when you are well.
Col. Well, I have made my whole dinner of beef.
Lady Answ. Why, colonel, a bellyfull's a bellyfull, if it be but of wheat straw.
Col. Well, after all, kitchen physick is the best physick.
Lady Smart. And the best doctors in the world are doctor diet, doctor quiet, and doctor merryman.
Ld. Sparkish.. "What do you think of a little house well fill'd?
Sir John. And a little land well till'd?
Col. Ay; and a little wife well will'd?
Neverout. My lady Smart, pray help me to some of the breast of that goose.
Ld. Smart. Tom, I have heard that goose upon goose is false heraldry.
Miss. What! will you never have done stuffing?
Ld. Smart. This goose is quite raw: well, God sends meat, but the devil sends cooks.
Neverout. Miss, can you tell which is the gander, the white goose or the gray goose?
Miss. They say, a fool will ask more questions than the wisest body can answer.
Col. Indeed, miss, Tom Neverout has posed you.
Miss. Why, colonel, every dog has his day; but I believe I shall never see a goose again without thinking of Mr. Neverout.
Ld. Smart. Well said, miss; faith, girl, thou hast brought thyself off cleverly. Tom, what say you to that?
Col. Faith, Tom is nonpluss'd; he looks plaguily down in the mouth.
Miss. Why, my lord, you see he is the provokingest creature in life; I believe there is not such another in the varsal world.
Lady Answ. O, miss, the world's a wide place.
Neverout. Well, miss, I'll give you leave to call me any thing, if you don't call me spade.
Ld. Smart. Well, but after all, Tom, can you tell me what's Latin for a goose?
Neverout. O, my lord, I know that; why brandy is Latin for a goose, and tace is Latin for a candle.
Miss. Is that manners, to show your learning before ladies? Methinks you are grown very brisk of a sudden; I think the man's glad he's alive.
Sir John. The devil take your wit, if this be wit; for it spoils company: pray, Mr. Butler, bring me a dram after my goose; 'tis very good for the wholesomes.
Ld. Smart. Come, bring me the loaf; I sometimes love to cut my own bread.
Miss. I suppose, my lord, you lay longest abed to day.
Ld. Smart. Miss, if I had said so, I should have told a fib; I warrant you lay abed till the cows came home: but, miss, shall I cut you a little crust now my hand is in?
Miss. If you please, my lord, a bit of undercrust.
Neverout. [whispering miss.] I find you love to lie under.
Miss. [aloud, pushing him from her.] What does the man mean! Sir, I don't understand you at all.
Neverout. Come, all quarrels laid aside: here, miss, may you live a thousand years.
Miss. Pray, sir, don't stint me.
Ld. Smart. Sir John, will you taste my october? I think it is very good; but I believe not equal to yours in Derbyshire.
Sir John. My lord, I beg your pardon; but they say, the devil made askers.
Ld. Smart. [to the butler.] Here, bring up the great tankard full of October for sir John.
Col. [drinking to miss.] Miss, your health; may you live all the days of your life.
Lady Answ. Well, miss, you'll certainly be soon married; here's two bachelors drinking to you at once.
Lady Smart. Indeed, miss, I believe you were wrapt in your mother's smock, you are so well beloved.
Miss. Where's my knife? sure I han't eaten it: O, here it is.
Sir John. No, miss; but your maidenhead hangs in your light.
Miss. Pray, sir John, is that a Derbyshire compliment? Here, Mr. Neverout, will you take this piece of rabbit that you bid me carve for you?
Neverout. I don't know.
Miss. Why, take it, or let it alone.
Neverout. I will.
Miss. What will you?
Neverout. Why, I'll take it, or let it alone.
Miss. You are a provoking creature.
Sir John. [talking with a glass of wine in his hand.] I remember a farmer in our country —
Ld. Smart. [interrupting him.] Pray, sir John, did you ever hear of parson Palmer?
Sir John. No, my lord; what of him?
Ld. Smart. Why, he used to preach over his liquor.
Sir John. I beg your lordship's pardon; here's your lordship's health; I'd drink it up, if it were a mile to the bottom.
Lady Smart. Mr. Neverout, have you been at the new play?
Neverout. Yes, madam, I went the first night.
Lady Smart. Well, and how did it take?
Neverout. Why, madam, the poet is damn'd.
Sir John. God forgive you! that's very uncharitable; you ought not to judge so rashly of any Christian.
Neverout. [whispers lady Smart.] Was ever such a dunce? How well he knows the town! See how he stares like a stuck pig! Well, but, sir John, are you acquainted with any of our fine ladies yet?
Sir John. No; damn your fireships, I have a wife of my own.
Lady Smart. Pray, my lady Answerall, how do you like these preserved oranges?
Lady Answ. Indeed, madam, the only fault I find is, that they are too good.
Lady Smart. O madam; I have heard 'em say, that too good is stark naught.
Miss drinking part of a glass of wine.
Neverout. Pray, let me drink your snuff.
Miss. No, indeed, you shan't drink after me; for you'll know my thoughts.
Neverout. I know them already; you are thinking of a good husband. Besides, I can tell your meaning by your mumping.
Lady Smart. Pray, my lord, did not you order the butler to bring up a tankard of our October to sir John? I believe, they stay to brew it.
The butler brings up the tankard to sir John.
Sir John. Won't your ladyship please to drink first?
Lady Smart. No, sir John; 'tis in a very good hand; I'll pledge you.
Col. [to lady Smart.] My lord, I love October as well as sir John; and I hope, you won't make fish of one, and flesh of another.
Ld. Smart. Colonel, you're heartily welcome. Come, sir John, take it by word of mouth, and then give it the colonel.
Sir John drinks.
Ld. Smart. Well, sir John, how do you like it?
Sir John. Not as well as my own in Derbyshire; 'tis plaguy small.
Lady Smart. I never taste malt liquor; but they say 'tis well hopp'd.
Sir John. Hopp'd! why, if it had hopp'd a little farther, it would have hopp'd into the river. O my lord, my ale is meat, drink, and cloth; it will make a cat speak, and a wise man dumb.
Lady Smart. I was told ours was very strong.
Sir John. Ay, madam, strong of the water; I believe the brewer forgot the malt, or the river was too near him. Faith, it is mere whip-belly-vengeance; he that drinks most has the worst share.
Col. I believe, sir John, ale is as plenty as water at your house.
Sir John. Why, faith, at Christmas we have many comers and goers; and they must not be sent away without a cup of Christmas ale, for fear they should p—s behind the door.
Lady Smart. I hear, sir John has the nicest garden in England; they say, 'tis kept so clean, that you can't find a place where to spit.
Sir John. O madam; you are pleased to say so.
Lady Smart. But sir John, your ale is terrible strong and heady in Derbyshire, and will soon make one drunk and sick; what do you then?
Sir John. Why, indeed, it is apt to fox one; but our way is, to take a hair of the same dog next morning. I take a new laid egg for breakfast; and faith, one should drink as much after an egg as after an ox.
Ld. Smart. Tom Neverout, will you taste a glass of october?
Neverout. No, faith, my lord; I like your wine, and I won't put a churl upon a gentleman; your honour's claret is good enough for me.
Lady Smart. What! is this pigeon left for manners? colonel, shall I send you the legs and rump?
Col. Madam, I could not eat a bit more, if the house was full.
Ld. Smart. [carving a partridge] Well; one may ride to Rumford upon this knife, it is so blunt.
Lady Answ. My lord, I beg your pardon; but they say, an ill workman never had good tools.
Ld. Smart. Will your lordship have a wing of it?
Ld. Sparkish. No, my lord; I love the wing of an ox a great deal better.
Ld. Smart. I'm always cold after eating.
Col. My lord, they say, that's a sign of long life.
Ld. Smart. Ay; I believe I shall live till all my friends are weary of me.
Col. Pray, does any body here hate cheese? I would be glad of a bit.
Ld. Smart. An odd kind of fellow dined with me t'other day; and when the cheese came upon the table, he pretended to faint; so somebody said, Pray take away the cheese: No, said I; pray, take away the fool: said I well?
Here a loud and large laugh.
Col. Faith, my lord, you served the coxcomb right enough; and therefore I wish we had a bit of your lordship's Oxfordshire cheese.
Ld. Smart. Come, hang saving; bring us up a halfp'orth of cheese.
Lady Answ. They say, cheese digests every thing but itself.
A Footman brings a great whole cheese.
Ld. Sparkish. Ay; this would look handsome, if any body should come in.
Sir John. Well; I'm weily brosten, as they sayn in Lancashire.
Lady Smart. O! sir John; I wou'd I had something to brost you withal.
Ld. Smart. Come, they say, 'tis merry in the hall when beards wag all.
Lady Smart. Miss, shall I help you to some cheese, or will you carve for yourself?
Neverout. I'll hold fifty pounds, miss won't cut the cheese.
Miss. Pray, why so, Mr. Neverout?
Neverout. O, there is a reason, and you know it well enough.
Miss. I can't for my life understand what the gentleman means.
Ld. Smart. Pray, Tom, change the discourse: in troth you are too bad.
Col. [whispers Neverout] Smoke miss; faith, you have made her fret like gum taffeta.
Lady Smart. Well, but, miss, (hold your tongue, Mr. Neverout) shall I cut you a piece of cheese?
Miss. No, really, madam; I have dined this half hour.
Lady Smart. What! quick at meat, quick at work, they say.
Sir John nods.
Ld. Smart. What! are you sleepy, sir John? do you sleep after dinner?
Sir John. Yes, faith; I sometimes take a nap after my pipe; for when the belly is full, the bones would be at rest.
Lady Smart. Come, colonel; help yourself, and your friends will love you the better. [To Lady Answ.] Madam, your ladyship eats nothing.
Lady Answ. Lord, madam, I have fed like a farmer: I shall grow as fat as a porpoise; I swear, my jaws are weary of chewing.
Col. I have a mind to eat a piece of that sturgeon, but fear it will make me sick.
Neverout. A rare soldier indeed! let it alone, and I warrant it won't hurt you.
Col. Well; it would vex a dog to see a pudding creep.
Sir John rises.
Ld. Smart. Sir John, what are you doing?
Sir John. Swolks, I must be going, by'r lady; I have earnest business; I must do as the beggars do, go away when I have got enough.
Ld. Smart. Well; but stay till this bottle's out; you know, the man was hang'd that left his liquor behind him: and besides, a cup in the pate is a mile in the gate; and a spur in the head is worth two in the heel.
Sir John. Come then; one brimmer to all your healths. [The footman gives him a glass half full.] Pray, friend, what was the rest of this glass made for? an inch at the top, friend, is worth two at the bottom. [He gets a brimmer, and drinks it off.] Well, there's no deceit in a brimmer, and there's no false Latin in this; your wine is excellent good, so I thank you for the next, for I am sure of this: madam, has your ladyship any commands in Derbyshire? I must go fifteen miles to night.
Lady Smart. None, sir John, but to take care of yourself; and my most humble service to your lady unknown.
Sir John. Well, madam, I can but love and thank you.
Lady Smart. Here, bring water to wash; tho' really, you have all eaten so little, that you have not need to wash your mouths.
Ld. Smart. But, prithee, sir John, stay a while longer.
Sir John. No, my lord; I am to smoke a pipe with a friend before I leave the town.
Col. Why, sir John, had not you better set out to morrow?
Sir John. Colonel, you forget to morrow is Sunday.
Col. Now I always love to begin a journey on Sundays, because I shall have the prayers of the church, to preserve all that travel by land, or by water.
Sir John. Well, colonel; thou art a mad fellow to make a priest of.
Neverout. Fie, sir John, do you take tobacco? How can you make a chimney of your mouth?
Sir John. [to Neverout.] What! you don't smoke, I warrant you, but you smock. (Ladies, I beg your pardon.) Colonel, do you never smoke?
Col. No, sir John; but I take a pipe sometimes.
Sir John. I'faith, one of your finical London blades dined with me last year in Derbyshire: so, after dinner, I took a pipe; so my gentleman turn'd away his head: so, said I, what, sir, do you never smoke? so, he answered as you do, colonel; no, but I sometimes take a pipe: so he took a pipe in his hand, and fiddled with it till he broke it: so, said I, pray, sir, can you make a pipe? so, he said, no; so, said I, why then, sir, if you can't make a pipe, you should not break a pipe; so, we all laugh'd.
Ld. Smart. Well; but, sir John, they say, that the corruption of pipes is the generation of stoppers.
Sir John. Colonel, I hear you go sometimes to Derbyshire; I wish you would come and foul a plate with me.
Col. I hope, you will give me a soldier's bottle.
Sir John. Come, and try. Mr. Neverout, you are a town wit; can you tell me what kind of herb is tobacco?
Neverout. Why, an Indian herb, sir John.
Sir John. No, 'tis a pot-herb; and so here's t' ye in a pot of my lord's october.
Lady Smart. I hear, sir John, since you are married, you have forswore the town.
Sir John. No, madam; I never forswore any thing but the building of churches.
Lady Smart. Well; but, sir John, when may we hope to see you again in London?
Sir John. Why, madam, not till the ducks have eat up the dirt, as the children say.
Neverout. Come, sir John: I foresee it will rain terribly.
Lady Smart. Come, sir John, do nothing rashly; let us drink first.
Ld. Sparkish. I know sir John will go, though he was sure it would rain cats and dogs: but pray stay, sir John; you'll be time enough to go to bed by candle light.
Ld. Smart. Why, sir John, if you must needs go; while you stay, make use of your time: here's my service to you, a health to our friends in Derbyshire: come, sit down; let us put off the evil hour as long as we can.
Sir John. Faith, I could not drink a drop more if the house was full.
Col. Why, sir John, you used to love a glass of good wine in former times.
Sir John. Why, so I do still, colonel; but a man may love his house very well, without riding on the ridge: besides, I must be with my wife on Tuesday, or there will be the devil and all to pay.
Col. Well, if you go to day, I wish you may be wet to the skin.
Sir John. Ay; but they say the prayers of the wicked won't prevail.
Sir John takes leave, and goes away.
Ld. Smart. Well, miss, how do you like sir John?
Miss. Why, I think, he's a little upon the silly, or so: I believe he has not all the wit in the world: but I don't pretend to be a judge.
Neverout. Faith, I believe, he was bred at Hog's Norton, where the pigs play upon the organs.
Ld. Sparkish. Why, Tom, I thought you and he were hand and glove.
Neverout. Faith, he shall have a clean threshold for me; I never darkened his door in my life, neither in town nor country; but he's a queer old duke, by my conscience; and yet, after all, I take him to be more knave than fool.
Lady Smart. Well, come; a man's a man, if he has but a nose on his face.
Col. I was once with him and some other company over a bottle; and, egad, he fell asleep, and snor'd so hard, that we thought he was driving his hogs to market.
Neverout. Why, what! you can have no more of a cat than her skin; you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.
Ld. Sparkish. Well, since he's gone, the devil go with him and sixpence; and there's money and company too.
Neverout. Faith, he's a true country put. Pray, miss, let me ask you a question?
Miss. Well; but don't ask questions with a dirty face: I warrant, what you have to say will keep cold.
Col. Come, my lord, against you are disposed: here's to all that love and honour you.
Ld. Sparkish. Ay, that was always Dick Nimble's health. I'm sure you know he's dead.
Col. Dead! well, my lord, you love to be a messenger of ill news: I'm heartily sorry; but, my lord, we must all die.
Neverout. I knew him very well: but, pray, how came he to die?
Miss. There's a question? you talk like a poticary: why, because he could live no longer.
Neverout. Well; rest his soul: we must live by the living, and not by the dead.
Ld. Sparkish. You know, his house was burnt down to the ground.
Col. Yes; it was in the news. Why, fire and water are good servants, but they are very bad masters.
Ld. Smart. Here, take away, and set down a bottle of burgundy. Ladies, you'll stay and drink a glass of wine before you go to your tea.
All taken away, and the wine set down, &c.
Miss gives Neverout a smart pinch.
Neverout. Lord, miss, what d'ye mean? d'ye think I have no feeling?
Miss. I'm forc'd to pinch, for the times are hard.
Neverout. [giving miss a pinch.] Take that, miss; what's sauce for a goose is sauce for a gander.
Miss. [screaming.] Well, Mr. Neverout, that shall neither go to Heaven nor Hell with you.
Neverout. [takes miss by the hand.] Come, miss, let us lay all quarrels aside, and be friends.
Miss. Don't be so teasing: you plague a body so! can't you keep your filthy hands to yourself?
Neverout. Pray, miss, where did you get that picktooth case?
Miss. I came honestly by it.
Neverout. I'm sure it was mine, for I lost just such a one; nay I don't tell you a lie.
Miss. No; if you lie, it is much.
Neverout. Well; I'm sure 'tis mine.
Miss. What! you think every thing is yours, but a little the king has.
Neverout. Colonel, you have seen my fine picktooth case; don't you think this is the very same!
Col. Indeed, miss, it is very like it.
Miss. Ay; what he says, you'll swear.
Neverout. Well; but I'll prove it to be mine.
Miss. Ay; do if you can.
Neverout. Why, what's yours is mine, and what's mine is my own.
Miss. Well, run on till you're weary; nobody holds you.
Neverout gapes.
Col. What, Mr. Neverout, do you gape for preferment?
Neverout. Faith, I may gape long enough, before it falls into my mouth.
Lady Smart. Mr. Neverout, my lord and I intend to beat up your quarters one of these days: I hear you live high.
Neverout. Yes, faith, madam; I live high, and lodge in a garret.
Col. But, miss, I forgot to tell you, that Mr. Neverout got the devilishest fall in the park today.
Miss. I hope he did not hurt the ground: but how was it, Mr. Neverout? I wish I had been there to laugh.
Neverout. Why, madam, it was a place where a cuckold had been buried, and one of his horns sticking out, I happened to stumble against it; that was all.
Lady Smart. Ladies, let us leave the gentlemen to themselves; I think it is time to go to our tea.
Lady Answ. and Miss. My lords and gentlemen, your most humble servant.
Ld. Smart. Well, ladies, we'll wait on you an hour hence.
The Gentlemen alone.
Ld. Smart. Come, John, bring us a fresh bottle.
Col. Ay, my lord; and pray, let him carry off the dead men, as we say in the army.
Ld. Sparkish. Mr. Neverout, pray, is not that bottle full?
Neverout. Yes, my lord; full of emptiness.
Ld. Smart. And, d'ye hear, John, bring clean glasses.
Col. I'll keep mine; for I think, wine is the best liquor to wash glasses in.