My Varus had led me, at leisure, from the forum
To his loves, to visit her
A little whore, as it then immediately seemed to me,
Not really uncharming and not unattractive.
When we came to this place, varied conversations
Fell onto us, in which, what was
now Bithynia, how did it hold itself,
and with just what bronze had Bithynia profited me.
I answered that which was, that nothing neither to themselves
Nor to the praetors nor to the cohort was there;
Why anyone would bring back a oilier head,
Especially [people] to whom the governor was a pervert [irrumator],
and (to whom) didn’t reckon the cohort the value of a hair.
“But certainly nevertheless” they said, “that which it is said to
be born there, you obtained
Men for the purpose of a litter.” I, in order that to the girl
I might make myself (seem) one rather fortunate man,
I said “it was not so badly for me
with the result that because of the bad province that had fallen to my lot,
I was not able to obtain eight straight-backed men.”
But nobody was mine, neither here nor there,
Who was able to place the foot, having been broken,
of an old couch upon his neck.
That woman, as befit a rather slutty girl,
“Please,” she said, “my Catullus, lend to me for a little while
those men: for I wish to be carried to Serapus.”
“Wait,” I said to the girl,
“That thing which just now I had said that I had,
Reason fled me: my mate—
It is Cinna Gaius,--he obtained (the slaves) for himself.
But, whether of that man or of me, what (is it) to me?
I use them as well as (if) I obtained (them) for myself.
But you, uncharming and annoying, live badly,
Through whom is it not permitted to be careless.
Vārus mē meus ad suōs amōrēs
vīsum duxerat ē forō ōtiōsum,
scortillum, ut mihi tum repente vīsum est,
nōn sānē illepidum neque invenustum.
Hūc ut vēnimus, incidēre nōbīs
sermōnēs variī: in quibus, quid esset
iam Bīthȳnia; quō modō sē habēret;
et quōnam mihi prōfuisset aere.
Respondī id quod erat, nihil neque ipsīs
nec praetōribus esse nec cohortī,
cūr quisquam caput ūnctius referret,
praesertim quibus esset irrumātor
praetor, nec faceret pilī cohortem.
"At certē tamen" inquiunt "quod illic
nātum dīcitur esse, comparāsti
ad lectīcam hominēs." Ego, ut puellae
ūnum mē facerem beātiōrem,
"nōn" inquam "mihi tam fuit malignē,
ut, prōvincia quod mala incidisset,
nōn possem octō hominēs parāre rēctōs."
At mī nūllus erat nec hīc neque illic,
frāctum quī veteris pedem grabātī
in collō sibi collocāre posset.
Hīc illa, ut decuit cinaediōrem,
"quaesō" inquit "mihi, mī Catulle, paulum
istōs commoda, nam volō ad Serāpim
dēferrī." "Mane," inquiī puellae,
"istud quod modo dīxeram mē habēre,
fūgit mē ratiō: meus sodālis
Cinna est Gāĭus — is sibī parāvit;
vērum utrum illius an meī, quid ad mē?
Ūtor tam bene quam mihī parārim.
Sed tū insulsa male et molesta vīvis,
per quam nōn licet esse neglegentem!"