Beasts at Law

I've seen two tetchy school-boys fight,
Till tears and blood obscured their sight ;
And then both enter their complaint,
And MASTER with the fact acquaint,
Who heard their stories long and ample,
Then flogg'd. them both for good example.

Author's MS

 
For order call'd, then bade the Owl
(The cryer and clerk) to open court
A xnd the impending cause report. 165

Cryer. " Whoo-hoo ! whoo-hoo ! whoo-hoo ! I call
Birds, Beasts, and Reptiles, one and all,

• Who*ve any suit to try or plead,
  

To name it ere the court proceed ;
To state each wrong, and cause of sorrow, 1 70

Or they may not be heard to-morrow. "

URSUS, the public prosecutor,
A subtle, deep, but calm disputer,
Arose with dignity and grace,
And thus explained the present case : i 75

" The jurors of the beasts present
On oath, that Dog had bad intent,
And mere than once presumed to leap
On plaintiff, while among the sheep.
July the first, two years ago, 180

Defendant first began to grow
Impertinent, and in the wood
Committed actions base and rude ;
And in and on her body fair,

By force of paws, did then and there IS5

Beat, bruise, ill treat, assault, and so forth,
As plaintiff's evidence will show forth ;
And other wrongs and injuries,
Which modest goats must sure despise,
To plaintiff's damage and distress,

I;or which she humbly prays redress.**

Count second states a like offence,
On March the first....fifteen months since j
To both of which defendant pleads
Not guilty" and the clerk proceeds, 195

The plaintiffs counsel to report,
And read their names before the court.
The Bear was foremost on the scroll,
From frozen regions near the pole,
But with acquirements great at least

.As those of any northern beast ;
And without tarnish on his name,
URSUS was not unknown to fame.
A Panther, next, espous'd her cause,
No novice in the school of laws ',



! BEASTS AT LAW.

But who deriv'd his greatest fame,
From ardour in pursuit of game ;
For PARDUS, fleetest of his race,
Was never known to yield the chase.
With him appeared a noble Steed,
Surpassing all Arabia's breed,
Who once had made a despot feel
An argument by dint of heel ;
Who spurn'd oppression's bit and rein.
And emigrated o'er the main ;
And here, the advocate of right,
EQUUS would never yield in fight.

A MARTIN followed on the list
The cause of virtue to assist ;
While, nodding graceful in the rear,
The antlers of a Stag appear,
Who, were he poised in even balance,
Would find his worth surpass his talents ;

While some of CERVUS boldly say,
His vanity would both outweigh.

These for the Goat. Who view'd the host
Thought the poor Mastiff's case was lost ;
And scarcely could refrain the tear,
Till his four champions' names they hear :
A Leopard, whose unspotted fame

Shed brilliant lustre on the name ;
Who never yet had moved a paw
To strain, pei vert, or twist the law ;
Stood first upon the catalogue
Of learned counsel for the Dog. , $33

The next, a Buck, of manners mild-
Though \y>th a disposition wild



LEASTS AT LA\V. 13

Who more than once, in mortal strife,

Had stood at bay and saved his life ;

And DAMA'S spunk was thought as good 240

As any Hare's in all the wood.

A matchless Greyhound next is named,

For honor, wit, and learning, famed,

Who, when by tyranny opprest,

Burst from his chains and sought the west ; 24 J

And here, when virtue wish'd a friend,

Was always foremost to defend ;

Ills temples bore the wreath of fame,

And faithful VERTAGUS his name.

Sly Reynard next, " though last not least," 2^0

As deep in law as any beast,

Completed the defendant's number,

As more would but the cause encumber.

Preliminaries being now

Adjusted, well as beasts knew how, 55

A motley host of evidence
For prosecution and defence,
Of beasts, and birds, and every thing
That moves a leg or spreads a wing,
(A picture true of Noah's ark) 60

Were ordered forward by the clerk.
These ushered in, spectators found
A station in the circle round,
Where all the curious ones convene
To hear and see, or to be seen. 265

What pains, ye gods ! both sexes took,
At Goat or Dog to have one look !
What winning airs the males assumed !
They strutted, prated; sv;orc and fumed:



14 BEASTS AT LAW.

Tried every art, and rack'd invention, 270

To catch the modest Goat's attention.

And then the females. ...how they simpered,

Ogled, whispered, smirk'd and whimpered I

How the little birds would rummage

To adjust their glossy pluriiage J 275

Then in wanton circles fly,

And each attractive movement try

To catch the mastiff's roving eye.

" The Goat, cries one, must be a brute, 280

60 sweet a Dog to prosecute.

Accuse the pretty cur of rudeness !

Why, the dear rogue's a lump of goodness ;

I'd not believe the Dog would do it,

Although I saw, and felt, and knew it."

" Order 1" the judge indignant roar'd.... 285

Order was at the word restored,
When URSUS- rose, stretch'd forth his paws,
And thus for plaintiff ope'd the cause :

" Respected members of the jury,
I rise reluctant, I assure you, 2CO

To unfold a blackened catalogue
Of actions that must damn the Dog.
Your os-ships are to hear a suit,
Brought by a harmless female brute,
For 'zault and battery by defendant, 2-95

Who guilty is you may depend on't.
The indictment charges him, we find,
With acts of that peculiar kind
Which law thus technically terms,
And, as you hear, the bill affirms 500



BEASTS AT LAW. 15

The acts were /wo, distinct in feature,

But just the same in grade and nature.

Perhaps no crimes more common are,

But still, the fame of this affair

Has spread so wide, that every beast 305

Must feel a little queer, at least.

No doubt, my lord, that some in court,

Are prejudiced by mere report ;

Those, in particular, who know

Of circumstances, long ago, 3 10

In which this Dog was implicated,

Am justly, too, I've heard it stated.

liiU still, my lord, we would assure you,

And allthe Bulls upon the jury,

That we most earnestly desire 315

Your prejudices may expire ;

Your prepossessions be discarded,

And nought but fact and truth regarded.

I only make these observations,

Because so many false relations 320

Are handed round, about the fact,

As puzzles reason how to act.

I therefore, as becomes my station,

Request a fair investigation,

Impartial, candid, and complete, 35

And then I'm sure of Dog's defeat.

" It will turn out in evidence,
That CANIS, prior to this offence,
Was guardian of a certain flock.
And, what may well your lordship shock, 330

The plaintiff was a member there,
And fed beneath his watchful care.
That, under friendship's false pretence,
He treacherously allured her thence,
And when they were retired apart,
Declared the purpose of his heart,
Which was.... I blush the fact to mention.,,.
Which \vas....a criminal connection
In legal parlance known, my lord,
By cr/m....no, stufirum, that's the word.
This not succeeding, he'd recourse,
As evidence will show, to force ;
The extent of which will soon appear,
By testimony ready here ;
And/orcc, of any kind or sort,
If ftro-ven, will the charge support.
Now if the facts I've heard related
Turn out to be correctly stated,
This Mastiff must, without a doubt,
Deserve a cudgel, whip, or knout ;
But, sapient Bulls, it is for you
To say how many blows are due ;
Or whether crimes like fornication
Ought not to hurl him from his station.
'Tis true, the flock beneath his care,
Will try to lighten this affair ;
For they, though oft insulted too,
Forgive and love, as spaniels do.
And lies are also set afloat
About this chaste and virtuous goat ;
The time elapsed, since first offended,
Before complaint, will be extended,
And urged against the plaintiff's plea,
As proof to set the prisoner free.

These circumstances all demand 3#3
An explanation at our hand,
Which shall be given, when we'll show
The Goat did.. ..what one ought to do ;
She'd no desire to bring to shame
Her watchful shepherd, though to blame ; 370
Till his repeated insults wrung
The story from her modest tongue.

" In crimes of this peculiar nature,
Unseen by every living creature,
Except the plaintiff, we can bring 73

No other witness of the thing.
But if a single brute shall dare
Her testimony to impair,
We then shall call on hundreds by
To prove she never told a lie. 380

But should the Dog prove innocent
Of actions showing bad intent....
Though that event, I ihink> is hindered^
For ive'-ve some anchors thrown to ivindward.,>.as\&e.
My pleasure at his fair acquittal, 385

Will, I assure you, not be little.
You all will hear the evidence
Against and for the Dog's defence,
And will, I hope, a verdict bring
Approved by justice, beasts and king." 39Q

The counsel for the prosecution
Now took their stands without confusion?
While DAMA, as they thither went,
Gave this morceau of humor vent :
" Thus when our ancestors of yore 395

Were saved from death by captain Noah,




18 BEASTS AT LAW.

The unclean beasts, without a whip,

March'd two and two on boaixl the ship. 1 *

Some repartee on this^ook place,

'Til CAPRA, witness in the case, 400

jleceived the oath, with such a look,

That hundreds wished themselves the book ;

\Vhile PARDUS quick assumed his station,

And thus began examination :

Pard. Of what offence do you complain 405
Against defendant ? Please explain.

Cafira. Two years ago, to have some chatter,
A parrot met.-..

Dama. That's hear-say matter,
And to the question as irrelevant
As Dormouse to a fallen Elephant. 410

Eguus. As an inducement^ (please not stop her)
Her evidence is good and proper.

Reynard. My lord, I certainly object
To this assertion.... 'ta'nt correct ;
They've only got to prove the fact, 416

Not what took place before the act.
For if they mtddle with the cat,
We're disfid at ones.... (aside to Canis)

Cams, (aside to Reynard) You may say that.
Equus. I think that I've a right, my lords,
To prove, not only acts but words ; 420

For plain it must be to all eyes,
That actions oft from words arise;
And so k was in this affair,
As witness wishes to declare.

She was, my lord, about to state 425

rumors of an earlier date ;



BEASTS AT LAW. 19

Which rumors caused the conversation

That gave defendant the occasion ;

From which occasion, we'll suppose,

The vile dishonest wish arose ; 430

Which wish, it cannot be denied,

Begat the crime for which he's tried.

So that if only traced correct,

W r e find the cause of this effect

Was rumor. What the rumors were 435

I wish the witness to declare;

But if you step her, I maintain

We lose a link from off the chain.

The conversation and the act

Were one transaction, that's a fact ; 440

And REYNARD knows the law too well

To be in earnest. Let her tell.

Reynard. For legal forms our veneration
Forbids the smallest innovation.
No rule, 'tis always understood, 445

Unless it work both ways, is good j
Yet hear-say stuff*, against their side,
There's not a doubt would be denied ;
And as it is for law's abuse meant,
It can't be good as an inducement. 450

Vertagut. My lord, the public prosecutor
(Whose speech for CAPRA ought to suit her)
Express'd a wish that all the court
Remain unbiassed by report ;

And yet, it seems, they now commence 455

By calling hear-say evidence,
The jurors' minds to occupy
With things they came not here to try



20 BEASTS AT LAAt.

Things* too, however false or base,

That we arc not prepared to trace. 460

I hope no rumor finds admission....

And humbly beg the court's decision.
Court. Unless essential to the case,

We can't give hear-say matter place.
Pardus. Well, CAPRA, then relate the fact, 465

And things coevous with the act.

Cafira. In March) I think, two years ago,

Before the grass began to grow ;

\Vhile yet the fodder of the brutes

Was withered herbage, hay, and roots ; 470

1 ask'd our shepherd, there, the Dog,

To come and taste our humble prog,
Beneath the shelter of a rock,

. \nd hold some chat about the flock.

He came as usual, and admired

My calm retreat from storms retired j

And when refresh'd on chaff reclined,

.At his request I spoke my mind.

a told him all the sheep were bleating, 490

And every goat the tale repeating,

That FELIS there, a Cat of beauty,

Had drawn and lured him from his duty.

That when her mate (of mountain race)

Was absent, he supplied his place. 48*5

He told me, that with some surprise,

He'd heard these base malicious lies ;

But wondered why they made selection

Of one for whom he'd no affection.

4 But were it you, he fondly cried, 490

J know not one on earth besick\



BEASTS AT LAW.

Of all the beasts or birds that move,

With whom I'm ha?.f so much in love.

I'd rather revel on your charms

Than fill an ourang-outang's arms. 1 ; 49$

In answer, I abruptly told him

I had a dozen minds to scold him;

For such a speech would sorely shock,

The rudest bleater in the flock :

And as a guardian of the sheep,

A chaster tongue he ought to keep.

He own'd his fault without evasion,

But hoped I'd save his reputation ;

And, on condition of my silence,

Promised to do his passion vi'lence. 505

A few weeks after, three at least,
I waited on this trusty beast
Who said some chat he wished to hold
On matters that concern'd the fold.
So, finding such was his desire, 51O

I ventured with him to retire ;
For fair CANICULA, his mate *

Must have no share in the debate.
But scarcely had we gone a yard
Before he bit my ear so hard, 5 1 5

And frisk'd about, and lick'd my teats..,.
I'd like to've fallen into fits.
I told him if he wa'n't retreating,
His slut should quickly hear my bleating ;
Then got away, and off I run, 500

For butt me ! if I like such fun !

Pardus. Did he attempt to stop you ?
Capra. N"o s



i } 2 BEASTS AT LAW.

He soon was glad to let me go ;

And when my tongue renewed its strength,

I gave the dirty cur its length ;

Told him, as fast as I could rattle,

He was the worst of all God's cattle ;

And then with just indignant rant

Reynard. Go slower, if you please.

Capra. I can't j

For just so fast I gave it him.... 53O

Says I, "you good-for-nothing limb,
Such treatment is too bad to bear,
And henceforth I renounce your care ;
I will not eat your dirty grass,

.But leave the fold. ...so let me pass." 535

He begg'd I would not be so bad,
As that would fairly drive him mad.
So seeing him so low in chop,
I thought it best to let it drop ;
And hoping he might yet amend, 540

I parted with him like a friend.

'Twas six weeks after this, or mope.
Just as I left the granery door,
Where he'd been dealing out our food, '
CANIS his wicked suit renew'd, 545

And said, as I received my due,
" If you loved me as I love you,
You'd grant the little thing I want,"....
1 bade him speak no more upon't j
Or else, as sure as I was born, 530

I'd tell the whole to CAPRICORN.
u Then, he exclaim'd, by Mammoth Springy
I'll swear you teazed me for the thing ;



BEASTS AT LAW. 23

And as the flock respect my station,

Who, think you, loses reputation ?" 555

He then his old caresses tried,

And lick'd me with his tongue beside.

Here witness, stifled by her grief,
Paused in her story for relief ;

While VERTAGUS, despising pelf, 56O

Thus thought and spoke within himself:
" I fear, by all our monarch's paws,
I this time prop a wicked cause ;
For that to me still right appears,
That's sanctified by female tears." $$5

Recovered by the pause she ne eded,
Poor Capra, snuffling, thus proceeded.

" His last attempt was while the court
Were listening to a Sow's report
For the same insults offered her, 570

By this same wicked treacherous cur.
His mouth, while talking o'er the matter,.
Began to froth, his teeth to chatter ;
And then between his paws he seiz'd me,.
And without mercy prest and squeez'd me ; 47S.
But I began so loud to squall
He did not touch my teats at all."

Pardus. Do you remember his excuses,

Voout the sin of such abuses ?

rertagu*. My lord, that question seems to me
A little straggling.

Court. If it be 58 1

To this transaction any clu-e,

Twill be admissible, and deu



24 BKASTS AT LAW.

Cafira. Sometime, perhaps four months, ago,
A case was pending here, you know, 585

In which a certain wanton Deer,
For such a crime was summon'd here ;
And, if my memory's not in fault,
Twas just before the last assault.
Defendant's words were then, 'tis clear, 590

In favor of the " stricken deer ;"
And intimated, in discourse,
That she was not a whit the worse ;
Which was, I thought, a hint too pat,
To misconceive what he'd be at. 595

He then proceeded, and repeated
A list of tricks himself committed ;
Of, 'tricks, that would, I think, or ought to
Cause all the jury's.. ..eyes to water ;
And by his tell.. ..bad luck resist him ! (aside) 600
A half a hundred sluts had kiss'd him ;
And, after all the catalogue,
He thought himself a clever dog.

Equus. His language seem'd then to import
That he was ne'er the worser for't ? 605

Cafira. He said, though he'd been rather rude,
He knew our sovereign was too good,
TO punish such a small offence,
As just to gratify the sense.

And then the antient fable quoted, 610

How once a mouse, for thieving noted,
Was caught by LION in the fact,
Who graciously forgave the act.

Cross-examined, by Reynard.

Reyn, You threatened, prior to this confession,



BEASTS AT LAW. Zn

To expose, it seems, the Dog's transgression? 615
This was posterior, was it ?

Cafira. Yes,

'Twas since my threat he toid me this,
And made me promise not to tell it.

Reynard. When he was rude, did you repel it ?
Or did you make advances ?

Cafira. Never j 620

But as I thought him kind and clever,
I told him all my little ailings,
?Iy feelings, t wishes, thoughts, and failings ;
Though had I sooner found his lies out,
I would have claw'cl his beastly eyes out. 6~~

Reynard. Did you not, CAriiA....come reflect....
Did you not kiss him ? recollect.

Cafira. Now Mr. Fox 1 upon my word,
I never such a question heard:

Such impudence was never seen.... 630

I really do'n't know what you mean ,
Unless permitting him to kiss,
Is what you're after.., .is it ?

Reynard. Yes.

You did allow a kiss, then, ha ? 634

Cafi. Why, dogs, you know, will have their way,

Reynard. Did you attempt to coax him, ever ?

Cafira. No 1 by my whiskers, never, never I

JKyuus. Be patient, CAPRA.... these sly oxes,
Are fond of touching up the doxies j
Though rude the questions which he pushes, 640
Go on, and never mind your blushes.

Reynard. Nor say.. ..(I ask it not to tease you)
That Capricorn could never please you;



6 BEASTS AT LAW,

And that you thought himself more clever,
More fit for certain matters

Cafira. Never ! 645

Reynard. You never told defendant so,
Or any other person ?

Cafira. No.

Reyn. Did you not say, the males, you fcar'd,
Would see how amorously you leer'd,
And read your wishes in your eyes? 650

Cafira. Never ! they're all malicious lies !

Reynard. Nor say you dared not be alone
With them, for fear

Cafira. Why this I own,

I said if I were seen to walk
With roguish brutes, 'twould make a talk. 655

Reynard. You never mentioned a weak sfict
Somewhere about you ?

Cafira. Certainly not.

Reynard. Nor show'd your dugs to any one
Except your partner ? This you've done ?

Cafira. Except to him, I never did, 660

Unless when suckling little kid.

Reyn. And did you not.. ..the question plain is....
Offer to go to bed to CAXIS,
Or any one but Capricorn ?

Cafira. I never did since I was born. 665

Reynard. You ask'cl the Dog if he believed,
That Canaan's antient flocks conceived.
And mark'd their young by speckled rods ?

Cafira. Never! by all the river gods ! 669

Reynard. You know your leader there, the Ass,
I mean who leads the female class 5



BEASTS AT LAW. 2/

Did not you say, whene'er you chose
That you could lead him by the nose ;
And call him Sister jVanny too ?

Cafira. Why, all the females call him so ; 675
Because he is the only male
We dare admit within the pale.

Peijnard. With him why is your danger less ?

Cafira. Because he is....humph ! you may guess.
We used to meet within the fold, 80

A kind of singing club to hold ;
But though no instrument he play'd,
Yet when we bleated, then he bray'd.

Reynard. How many she's with sitter Nan,
United in this tuneful plan ? 685

Cafira. Not more than eigjit or nine, or ten.

Court. What was this brayer's conduct then ?
Was't modest, chaste, correct, no word

Or act indecent ?

Cafira. No, my lord. 689

Rcyn. You're sure you could have told to none
You fear'd with males to be alone,
Lest you should rude advances make ?

Cafira. O ! name it not for goodness 1 sake 1
For if my weakness were so great,
Yet pride would never let me say't, 695

Here prosecutor's counsel chose
To rest their cuuse, when DAMA rose ;
And with a most engaging port,
In terms like these address'd the court :

" My lord, 'tis easy to conceive 709

That we may piously believe
Our client guiltless of transgression,



28 BEASTS AT LAW.

Yet not be free from apprehension.

Our greatest danger lies with those

Whose sex forbids to call them foes,' 70s

But whose attractions charm the soul

And all our reasoning powers control.

'Tis known that their inventive powers

Surpass, in every instance, ours;

And here, necessity will drive 710

To keep finesse and art alive.

Ardent in every passion still,

They know no arbiter but WILL ;

And are the same, in love or hate,

The pivots of revolving fate. 715

We've also much to fear, from those

Ingenious counsel who're to close ;

Who've the advantage over ours

In numbers, eloquence, and powers.

Indeed, my lord, it seems to me, 720

A kind of novelty, to see

So many champions of the laws

Enlisted in a plaintiff's cause.

In every criminal debate

There's counsel furnish 'd by the state, 725

Whose duty, to convict defendant,

Is not relax* d, you may depend on't.

Then why this ardor, to enlist

A host of veterans to assist ?

What, but a thirst of vengeance, could 730

Induce a search through all the wood,

For beasts of talents, cull'd and picktf

An honest mastiff to convict?



BEASTS AT LAW. 29

The jury should consider this,

In order not to act amiss ; . 735

For if their testimony fails,

Without such props, when truth assails,

It will.. ..it must be understood

Their testimony can't be good.

It will, your honors, be our duty 740

To impeach the credit of this beauty;
To open to your comprehension,
The nature of the fears I mention.
It is, your honors of the jury,

The merciless, unrelenting fury, ^4.5

Which does and always will arise,
When we a female's love despise.
Of all the furies we could mention,
Of earth, or hell, or fiend's invention ;
Dragons, vipers, scorpions, adders,
Rattle-snakes with poison bladders ;
Crocodiles and alligators,
With the worst of fiend-like natures ;
Can never be compared, for harms,
To females with neglected charms. f j'S

It will, of course, become your duty,
With this exasperated beauty,
To watch, with scrutinizing eye,
Her arts and machinations sly.

Vengeance is rankling in her heart, 76V

And summons ail her matchless art ;
Her poison'd tongue can sting the soul,'
And nothing can its power controul ;
Deep is perdition's baseless pit,
But her revenge is deeper yet. F6J'

D



30 BEASTS AT LAW.

We shall be able, sirs, I trust,

To prove this Goat's lascivious lust ;

Her open and obscene advances,

Improving all her secret chances

To inflame the mastiff with desire, 370

And set his wishes all on fire.

It ought to claim our admiration

That he resisted such temptation,

Where acts obscene were join'd with beauty,

To draw defendant from his duty. 775

The rude idea must surely shock

Each modest member of the flock ;

The thoughts of actions so obscene,

Moistens my eyes... .my mouth I mean. [aside

I say, my lord, the bare reflection 780

liaises a blush in my complexion ;

Though, by-thc-ky^ were I my client,

She'd not have vuish'd in "bain, rely on*/. f aside

Acts more lascivious too, it plain is,

Than those which she imputes to CANIS, 785

Tis not, my lord, in such a case,

IVIy learned adversary's place
!JTo say if CANIS, thus assail'd

By artful lust, in duty fail'd ;

Or if he fell, to what extent, 790

Through error's giddy maze he went:

The case was to his flock submitted,

By whom he fairly was acquitted.

'Tis for the jury to enquire,

(Not his intention or desire, 795

But, leaving every other fault)

Whether he's guilty of assault



BEASTS AT LAW. 1

And battery upon the goat;

And if so, whether she, or not,

Consented to't....if that's the case, 800

The Dog's acquittal must take place.

Tfce point for your investigation

Is, whether CAPRA gave occasion,

Or to defendant made advances.

But still my noble lord, the chance is, 605

That our opponent's learned chatter

May load the case with foreign matter,

And other things connect and join,

Entangled like a twisted vine.

But, honored jurors, I've no doubt you 810

All will have your wits about you.

And hold the power within your brain,

To ravel out the knotty skein.

You've but to stick to these two things

From which the whole contention springs j 815

Two points for your enquiry fitted....

Firstly, was the fact committed?

Secondly, this being so,

Was it against her will, or no ?

But we are ready to support, S20

Such stubborn facts before the court>

As will convince a beast of feeling,

The plaintiff never was unwilling.

We'll prove that, by her own confession,

She always itch'd for such transgression ; 825

And that, if prest by any beast,

The goat was passive, say the least.

And if your honors we acquaint,

That since the date of her



3 BEASTS AT LAW.

As well as months and years before, 830

She prais'd defendant more and more ;

Has wheedled, coax'd, and sought to hold him,

Has followed, flattered, and cajoled him ;

Trying to draw the one from goodness

Whom she accuses now with rudeness ; 835

Jn vain will she pretend to claim

A matron's chaste and honest name,

" I'll not detain your honors longer,
Than just to state the question stronger :
Whether the Dog committed ill, 840

And whether 'twas against her will."
CANIS whispers DAMA.

CANIS. Well done> my Buck> we'll catch the gulls)
The gloss you gave will quiz the Lulls.
JWio's our first witness ?

DAMA. (whispering) modest Ovis.

CANIS. A buxom ewe.

f DAMA. *, all our plans were quite disjointed.

Dama. Was CAPRICORN then present?

Ovis. No, 9!Q

But where he was, I do not know ;



BEASTS AT LAW, 35

It always seem*d to be her care,
To send and get defendant there,
During the absence of her mate.

Dama. Can you now recollect the date, 915

When last she yean'd, and whom you saw
That came to see her in the straw ?

O-vis. Yes, that event took place, I know,
Last April, sir, a year ago ;

And then she sent for CANIS thither, 920

XVho had a secret confab with her.

Reynard. O 1 she intended nothing worse
Than just to learn the Dog to. nurse.

Dama. Did Capra ever make remarks,
About her eyes' alluring sparks ? 925

O~vis. She said she fear'd to have them shown,
Lest all her wishes should be known.
With males herself she dared not trust,
She was so great a slave to lust ;
And had too weak a spot about her. 930

Dama. She wish'd her mate was warmer, stouter ?
Ha ? Did she not ? How was it, Ovis ?

Ovts. She call'dher CAPRICORN a novice :
He did the best he could to please her,
But still, fioor thing, he did but teaze her ; 935

She wish'd a mate, whose amorous fires,
Were equal to her own desires;
Some love-physician who could cure her
Of what they call Uterus furor. 939

Reyn. For that the best would have to strain hard

Martin. Why not apply to Dr. Reynard ?

Dama. Did any conversation pass,
With you and Capra^ 'bout the Ass ?



36 BEASTS AT LAW.



She said she could, whene'er she chose,
Lead sister Nanny by the nose. 945

Cross-examined) by Pardus.

Pardus. From CAPRA'S conduct, you conceived,
She had no virtue ?

Ovis. I believed

That she was light and vain ; but had
No proof of acts extremely bad.

Pardus. Her conversation you conceived
Libidinous ?

Ovis. So I believed, 95$

For if it turns out otherwise,
I can't believe my cars and eyes.

Pardus. Did CAPRICORN the Dog invite*
The time he came and staid all night ?

Ovis. He did.

Pardus. The time you heard the kiss, 955

CANIS complained of illness ?

Ovis. Yes.

But as for that, she's not to blame,
I would myself have done the same.

JJama. I dare be sworn you would my ewe.,,,aside;

Pardus. He never gave a kiss to you ? 960

Ovis. O yes. ...before he quitted us,
He offered me a kind of buss.
Pardus. Her mate was present, was he not,
When CAPRA mentioned her weak spot ?

Gvis. He was.

Pardus. And when she mentioned too, 965

That all she wish'd he could not do ?

Ovis. He might have heard it ; but if not,
Fin sure she spoke the thing she thought.



BEASTS AT LAW. 37

Pardus. The Dog kiss'd you as well as her ?

Ovift. Twice only. ...hang the stupid cur .'... [aside

Pardus. Both friendly kisses, I suppose ? 971
Yes.. ..more than friendly Jiad he chose.... [aside.

Pardus. From CAPRA'S treatment of the cur,
You thought not he'd insulted her ?

O-vis. O no.. ..I thought, and justly too, 9T5-

That her attachment stronger grew.

Phoebus the azure vault had clomb,
And now was gliding down the dome ;
Great Appalachian's awful brow,
Had cast a lengthened shade below j 980

And, to descend to meaner things,
The sunflower faced the western springs ;
When LEO, by his appetite,
Thought all the beasts might want a bite,
And so, that he might grow no thinner, 085

Adjourned the court, and went to dinner*



END OF THE FIRST CANTO,

===THE ARGUMENT===

SPIRITUAL, warfareA human portrait, drawn from life
CLARINDA blown up The story resumed The court
meets The Magpie examined by DAM A Something
about exposing something, which somebody ought not
somehow to have seen Cross-examined by PARDUS--A liti
gant retort TheParrot examined by DAM A Something
relating to insufficiency Cross-examined by URSUS The
Pigeon examined by DAM A--The kicking and spurring busi
ness Cross-examined by PARDUS A play -house whisper
The Ring-dove examined The river scene The Gold
finch examined A kiss after shaving The Blackbird cx-
amined-lnvitation upon invitationThe Widgeon examin
ed How to look respectable in shape and size The Daw
examined by REYNARD Cross-examined by PARDUS
The Turkey examined Strictures on being' satisfied
Cross-examined by URSUS Defendants rest their case
The Ass described Examined for the prosecutors, by
URSUS A controversy on confessions How to lead an Ass
by the nose Description of a Mule, a Philosopher, and a
quack Doctor Br. r MuLus examined by CERVUS Cnss-
examined by LEOPARDUS MULA, the doctor's mate, ex
amined The cou.t adjourn.

SCENE as in the first canto, Time about six hours.





==CANTO II==



That minstrel wakes the song in vain,
Who weaves no moral with his strain j
And he who flatters vice for pelf,
Deserves its penalty himself;
But he who sanctions FOLLY'S tools,
Should wear her cap, and head the fools.

Author's MS.

The human mind's a tilting field,
Where two strong active spirits wield
The missive dart or pointed lance,
And parry, thrust, retreat, advance,
Or close, in obstinate affray,
Till one or t'other gains the day.
But still the fight is not decided,
Their powers and rights are so divided,
The desperate war is still rencw'd,
For neither can be quite subdued; it;

But each is, in- his turn, the master,
Like Pollux and his brother Castor.
These spirits, (as we might suppose;,
They being such eternal foes)

Are as unlike in form and feature, 1 j

As much opposed in locks and nature,



42 BEASTS AT LAW.

And as dissimilar in all,

As GOD and Satan, since the fall.

When charity expands the breast,
The first of virtues and the best; 20

When LOVE within the soul arises,
Which all the law of GOD comprises ;
In short, when we're inclined to good,
And have some selfish wish subdued ;
W T e may be sure the fiend has reel'd, 2

And that the angel holds the field.
But when vfe yield to passion's sway.
And hate or envy's rule obey ;
It will as certainly be found,

The angel welters on the ground ; 3O

That we have turn'd the fate of war,
And placed Apollyon on the car.
For though wejfight on neither side,
.'Tis ours the victory to guide,
And by a vote we turn the scale, 35

For vice or virtue to prevail.
Too indolent, unless befriended,
To keep our heavy arm extended,
In careless ease we let it drop,
And virtue falls with vice atop.
In such a case, 'tis my opinion,
Bather than vice should hold dominion,
We'd best confess our arm is weak,
And succour in RELIGION seek ;
There we can find a potent charm, 45

Sufficient lo support an arm
Of nature's stiuiVbt, weakest son,
Although that dim should weigh a ton.



BEASTS AT LAW. 43

But stay, I'll demonstrate my meaning :

When Victory once by turns was leaning

On different sides of hostile foes,

Now aiding these, now helping those ;

Doubtful which way to turn the scale,

That this or that should most prevail,

The leader of the chosen band, 55

In Israel's favor rais'd his hand,

And quick as thought their foes retreat,

Nor dared the tide of fate to meet ;

His hand withdrawn, the vanquished turn,

And with rekindled ardor burn, 60

While Israel's ranks dismay'd and broke,

By thousands fell beneath the stroke.

In this dilemma, undismay'd,

He calls for holy Aaron's aid,

(A beauteous figure of that power, 63

Who still supports us every hour)

The wearied arm the Priest sustain'd,

And Israel soon the field regain'd,

On their pursuers turn'd the flood,

And dyed the plain with heathen blood ; 70

Thus gain'd the day and battle too,

And pay'd their vows wherever due.

A female, not to vice inclined,
Whose taste and manners are refined ;
With sensibility enough 75

To feel, and weep, and such like stuff;
Who would not, for her credit's sake,
In public countenance a rake ;
Who goes to church, like me and you.
Because mankind in general do j $0



44 BEASTS AT LAW.

I say, a female, of this sort,

(And half the sex are such, I'm taught)

Alive to elocution's charms,

And all the delicate alarms,

Which the sweet honey of persuasion, 85

Might in her fluttering breast occasion ;

May, in the course of life's affairs,

While at the church repeating prayers,

Prefer (for all possess a taste)

Some clergyman to all the rest. 90

So great his powers in declamation,

Jt wraps her soul in admiration ;

So warm his fervor and his zeal,

She must unknown devotion feel ;

She seems in some celestial region.... 95

She thinks, in short, she loves religion.

How dull appears the lingering week,

She longs so much to hear him speak ;

To view those eyes of meek devotion,

And feel again that sweet emotion. Ida

The Sabbath comes. ...to church she goes,

Again the stream of rapture flows ;

And, as he meets his various duties,

She sees new, undiscovered beauties.

She feels that life's insipid round 105

Affords no sweets like those she's found,

And wonders why she wandered wrong,

In search of happiness so long.

Fll not assume the high commission
To judge of such a soul's condition. IK)

But would, with modesty, enquire,
Is it religion, or ds&ire ?



BEASTS AT LAW". 45

Which champion, in the mental field.

Has made his adversary yield ?

Which beats ? (I ask with motive civil) 1 1 5

Which beats, the arigel or the devil ?

Is our digression long enough....
Or are you fond of moral stuff ?
If so, I will relate a tale,

Which shows how oft our efforts fail 130

To hide our shame ; because the means
Which we would hide behind, as screens,
Will often play a trick so scurvy,
That we are blown u/i topsy-turvy.
Have patience, friend, we'll be in court 125

Full time enough to see the sport ;
Then give the beasts a chance to dine,
Who've appetites like yours and mine.

CLARIXDA was a country lass,

Possessing charms enough to pass ; 130

With rosy cheeks and buxom mein
The greatest romp upon the green,
Her father, justice in the place,
Was a great lover of the chase,
And in pursuit of fowl and deer, 13$

He spent the third of every year.
Yet to official duty's claim
He'd yield the swift pursuit of game ;
And take his fee with such a grace,
As show'd he knew his proper place. 140

CLARINDA had imbibed a passion....
Not for a clown, or man of fashion,
But... (laugh ye belles, of dressing prouder)
A passion for the,..,smell of powder.



46 BEASTS AT LAW.

Never experienced she such pleasure 145

As, when alone and quite at leisure,

To steal her father's hunting flask,

And then commence her martial task ;

Lay a long train upon the floor,

Then touch it off... and then lay more ; 150

And this was still her occupation,

Jn spite of dad's expostulation ;

Till finding nothing could reclaim her,

He swore coercive means should tame her.

One day, CLARIVDA, left at home, 155

Had nought to do but romp and roam,
When, with a resolution rash,
She vow'd she'd have one little flush ;
So, after closing every door,

Upon the middle of the floor, 1 60

She built a pyramid of powder,
Moistened and prest, to speak the louder.
From this she led a circling train,
All round the room, and round again ;
.And then a piece of twisted paper, 165

To serve as slow-match, crown'd her caper.
From farthest corner of the room,
CLARINDA view'd her match consume.
Waiting to see the flame attain
The other end, and light the train ; 1 70

But, ere htr hopes were realized,
Approaching steps the maid surprised ;
Who, thinking that her dad was near,
And quite beside herself with fear,
Thought nothing of the train or match, , 175

But, like a fowl that sits to hatch.



BEASTS AT LAW. 47

To put suspicion fast asleep,

She, squatting down, conceal'd the heap ;

Her father enters.. ..she turns pale....

The train is caught, and there's my tale, 1 60

A short repast the beasts partook,
And quaff 'd the cool refreshing brook j
Then sported round the flowery plain.
Till LEO took his seat again.

The Bulls, apart from all the rest, 185

Reposed on nature's velvet vest,
And ruminating there at ease,
On both the learned counsel's pleas,
The fragrant cud at leisure chew'd,
At once digesting law and food. 190

But soon aroused by JACKALL'S roar,
They all assembled as before ;
When DAMA took his former station,
And thus pursued examination ;
A Magpie, on defendant's side,
To his enquiries thus replied :

Dama. Come, little MAG, we wish to know
What you can tell.

Mag. Two years ago,

With CAPKA I commenced rny stay,
Nor left her till this year, in May. > 200

I built my nest within her stall,
She gave me seed, and drink, and all ;
And, in return. I had to fly
On all her errands, low and high ;
And, when her little kids would weep, 205

To sing the noisy rogues to sleep.



4S BEASTS AT LAW.

Dama. And were you sent, among the rest)
To invite the Mastiff as a guest ?

Mag. O ! frequently. Whene'er her mate
Was going out to tarry late, 216

She bade me urge the dog to come,
As CAPRICORN was not at home ;
And, if he spoke with hesitation,
Repeat and press the invitation. [them ?

Dama. And when he came, what pass'd between

Mag. Her care was such I've never seen them ;
For all the birds were sent array,
As long as CAXIS pleased to stay.
One evening, after sending thrice,
(Her kid went once, and I'd been twice) 220

She bade me tell him to be quick,
And come, or CAPRA would be sick !

Dama. Alas ! poor Goat !

Mag. I've seen her, too,

Expose her dugs to public view ;
And ask a Stag, with wanton air, 226

If e'er he saw so fine a pair.

Cross-examined, by Pardus.

Pardus. Did she then know that you were by ?

Mag. I cannot tell.

Pardus. Inform us why

You left her service, little bird ?

Mag. Because she did not keep her word. 230

Parduz. Was CAPRA suckling, when she show'd
The Stag her dugs ?....explain the mode.

A fag. Yes, I believe that was the case.

Pardus. How look'd the beast ?

Mug. He hid his face,



BEASTS AT LAW. 49

Reynard. A thing not common to the breed. 235

Cervus. A modest fox were rare indeed.

JDama. Who's next ?

Leof.ardus. The Parrot.

Dama. Pretty Poll,

Let's hear your story.. ..tell it all.

Poll. An Antelope accused the cur
Of some attempts to ravish her; 246

And made complaints to all the fold,
Of acts which ought to be controll'd.
They met to hear her accusation,
But found, on her examination,
That he had nothing rude committed, 245

So proved she lied, and him acquitted.
A short time after, (this I know
Was just about two years ago)
I ask'd the Goat, in friendly chat....
" Would CANIS do a thing like that ?" 250

c; No, she replied, 'tis all a lie,
For who's so free with him as I ?
And, were he so disposed, you see,
I think he might have ravish'd me.
Why, once I gave him every chance, 255-

And made 'myself a warm advance,
So, were he wantonly inclin'd,
He must have then been dull or blind,"
I heard her rally FELIS, or ce,

And call her partner-cat a dunce ; 2<>

While she the charge reiterates,
Till both at length condemn their mates.
One day she told me she believed,
From circumstances, she'd



50 BEASTS AT LAW.

But added, "if a kid be born, 265

It can't belong to CAPRICORN."

Ursus. Where was it CAPRA made advances,
And gave the Dog these secret chances ?

Poll. 'Twas on Missouri's verdant brink,
Where both had been to bathe and drink. 270

Ursus. When CAPRA held the modest chat.
About their partners, with the Cat,
Did it degrade them in your eyes ?

Pell. It could not well be otherwise.

Equus. And had not CAPRA, then, my bird, 275
With several kids increased the herd ?

foil. She had. [Parrot dismissed.]

Dama. Who's next ?

Leofiardus. COLUMBA ! here,

We next must call on you my clear ;
Please take the stand.

Dama. My gentle bird,

Inform us what you've seen and heard. 280

Columba. We Pigeons, sir, in flocks reside
Hard by the river, 'tother side ;
But I have often hither flown,
And left my mate at home alone.
In summer time, two years ago, 285

CAPRA and I contrived it so,
That I should fly across the river,
And spend an hour in private with her.
While we conversed on different things,
The newest cut for pigeon-wings, 2-90

Or the most fashionable hair,
And beard, and horns, for Goats to wear,
She ask'd me if I did not hate



BEASTS AT LAW. 51

To be so long without my mate ?

For, added she, I never could, 295

If CAPRICORN was only good;

But I am ne'er the better for him,

Unless I teaze, and kick, and spur him."

Pardus. My lord, I humbly do conceive

Equus. My lord

Pardus. I'll speak, sir, by your leave..,.

My lord 300

Leofardut. My lord

Equus. My lord

Martin. My lord

Leopardus. We have a right

Pardus. Hear me one word ;

This seems on billingsgate to border

Reynard. I wish

Equus, Your lordship

Court. Order ! Order I

Equus. I'll not object, my lord, about 305

This fiend-like malice coming out ...

Vtrtagus. That term will suit the accusation,
Not the defence.

Equus. Their own damnation

Is seal'd by such defence, I think.

Reynard. It seals our safety from its brink. 310
Crosx-ejcananed, bn Pardus.

Pardus. What was your answer ? let us know.

Columba. 1 could not speak, it shock'd me so.

Pardus. And flew you then direct awy ?

Columla. I did not many minutes stay. 3H

Pantus. How often, sin Vive you been there ?

Colwnba. iSot more thau oace or twice, I'll swear,



52 BEASTS AT LAW.

Can. [aside to Dam.] The Pigeon's evidence witt dv>

Da f>. a. You may say that.. ..she's up. a few.

Cants. More tales like this, from other sjish'd,
Will blast her fame, and CAPRA'S dish'd. 320

Dama. There's plenty to confirm Columba's.
Call up the next. Who is't ?

Lco/:ardus. PALUMBES.

Dama Give way, and let the Ringdove pass....
Fly over all their heads, my lass.
What can you tell in this affair ? 325

Palumbes. I sat upon a willow....

Dama. Where ?

Palumbcs. Close to the rapid river's brim,
Where both the parties came to swim.
From sporting on the rolling billow,
They came to sport beneath my willow ; 330

CAFRA of being chill'd complained,
Though I believed her shivering feign'd j
Then nestling down, with fondest care
He warm'd her with his shaggy hair ;
And in that posture, by the powers, 33$

They h<.y together two long hours.
I thought her conduct quite improper,
But then I had no right to stop her,
[Putumbes dismissed.]

Reijn. CAPRA appears to've been a bold wench.

Dama. Is CAHDUELIS here, the Goldfinch?
O' there you are.. ..come forward, Miss. 341

You've seen the proscculrlx kiss
The Mastiff? Tell us where and when-

Carduelie. Four years ago ...I lived there thea.



BEASTS AT LAW. 5$

He'd just been shorn, and look'd so sleek, 3 15
She to her bosom prcss'd his cheek,
And kissM him.

Dama. That you say you saw ?

Corduclis. I did: she prest him with her paw,
Cross-examined^ by Pardus.

Pardus. Did CAPRA know you saw her do it?

Carduelis. No, I expect they neither knew it.

Leofiardut. The Blackbird's next. 350

Dama. MERULA, you

Know CATRA ?

Mtrula. Yes, indeed I do :
You'll always find within her door
A dozen singing birds or more.
Two years ago, myself -\vas one, 355

And then I saw a deal of fun ;
Such pains the Goat would take, to keep .
The watchful guardian of the sheep.
She would the best of food prepare,
Then send a bird to coax him there, 360

And if her message was in vain,
She'd send it o'er and o'er again.

( Me.rula dismissed.)

Dama. And now PEN T .:LOPE, for you....
You know the parties ?

Penelope. Yes, I do,

As well as any Widgeon here. 365

Dama. How did the Goat to you appear ?

Ptndofie. You'll judge from what on oath I state.
C A NIC u LA, the Mastiff's mate,
Invited me, a year ago,

To chat with her an hour, or so. 37tf

F



54 BEASTS AT LAW,

The Goat came in while I was there,
And ask'd the Dog, with such an air I
" What think you of my corporation ?
My shape's improved to admiration j
You wish CANICULA, I know, 375

Were thriving in dimensions so."
And so went on with such-like stuff,
Till he, I guess, was sick enough.
[Penelofie dismissed."]

Canis. You guess, my pretty Widgeon, truly.

JReynard. Who's next ?

JUama. The lovely MONEDULA. 380

Reynard. I'll question her. My pretty Daw,
Of this affair, tell what you saw.

Monedula. I've often heard the Dog complain,
That CAVRA'S fondness gave him pain :
I've seen her practise every art, 385

And play the suppliant's humble part,
Enticing him to go with her,
Yet meet repulses from the Cur.
When too much teaz'd with invitation,
He sometimes left his occupation, 390

And spent an evening with her. .still
It seem'd repugnant to his will.
She said, " the beasts will sometimes talk,
Because I go with him to walk,
But I do'nt care a straw who knows it, 395

While my blind mate will not oppose it."
I sometimes ask'd her if she thought
The various charges which were brought
Against her favorite, were true ?

answered, they were false she knew. 400



BEASTS AT LAW. 55

1 told her I believed them so ...
And this was not four months ago.

Cross-examined by Urtu*.

Ursus. Is CANIS on good terms with you ?

Mmedula. On terms becoming any two.

Ui\ws. And did he ever kiss you ?

Monedula. No. 405

But even if it had been so,
I'd not have brought him into courtj
To expose myself far public sport.

Leap. A decent hint far CAPRA, M~sus. Did CAPUA, oftener than the rest,
Invite the Dog to be her guest ?
Or did he visit all he knew ?

Mordeula. I have seen others urge him too,
But not like CAPRA.

Umus. What was told 4 1 5

Concerning CAMS in the fold ?
What was his character ?

Vertagus. My lord,

I bar the question. Not a word
Have we adduced before the court,
Our client's credit to support ; 430

Such threads we've not thought fit to tissue.
And therefore 'tis not put in issue.
We cannot be prepared to meet
The vague reports our foes repeat,
All foreign to the present charge. .i ..? j

But on this point I'll not enlarge ;
His lordship knows as well as I
Such questions are not legal.

Ursus, Why ?



BEASTS AT LAW.

My lord, my learn'd opponent shows,

How little of the law he knows, 43O

About reports to raise a clatter,

Which lead directly to the matter.

They're not illegal, I contend.

Court. We can't admit them.

Ursus. Then they end*

[Monedul* dismissed.]

Varna. NUMIDICA is next.

Reijnard. Desire 435

Her Turkeyship to walk up nigher.
You've lived with CANIS. Saw you-aught
In CAPRA'S visits, that you thought
Improper ?

Mimidica. Seven months ago

She came. ...though half-leg deep in snow ; 44

And with the Dog retired behind
A rock which screen'd them from the wind ;
They soon returned, when CAPRA cried,
Adieu, my dear 1.. ..I'm satisfied !"

Dama. O rare exploit ! auspicious day 44^

ffi CAPUA'S life !

Jfumidica. Then went away.

Cross-examined by Ursus.

Ursus. Did they converse about the flock?
.Before they went behind the rock ?

Numidica. All that I heard was, she desired
A secret word, and they retired ; 45(J

The subject of their conversation,
Perhaps surpass'd my penetration.

Reynard. 'Twa not too deep for CAPRA'S, though^
If we may judge from what; we know.



BEASTS AT LAW, -

Here, for the present, rest the case,
And give our adversaries place.

The prosecution next commence,
Examining their evidence ;
BUBO their names proclaim'd aloud,
And having drawn them from the crowd,
He qualified them with a phiz, .
As grave as any judge's is.
ASINUS first assumed the stand,
An Ass, with mein and manners bland ;
With aspect modest and serene, 465

Perhaps the meekest ever seen ;
Whose movements ne'er surpast a fiace,
Save when he sought the Dog's disgrace,
And then, as if the de'il pursued,
He gallop'd swiftly through the wood. 470

Ursus. What conversation did you hold,

• With CANIS, guardian of the fold,
  

Respecting CAPRA'S accusations ?

Reynard. Here's more refiorft and conversations.

But I sincerely hope, my lord, 475

Before this testimony's heard,

The nature of it may be scann'dj

And fully open'd.

Ursus. Understand,

My learn'd opponents, 'tis to show

That the defendant, months ago, 480

Made to ASINUS full confession*

And own'd the whole of his transgression.
sltiinus. We instituted a committee

To talk with CANIS out of pity j



JB BEASTS AT

Advise him'to confesa his errors, 485

Nor meet disgrace with all its terrors;

But the alarming danger shun.

Of this committee I was one.

Fi LIS desired an interview

With CAMS.

Leofiardus. What have we to do 490-

With Cats again ? Why not relate
The theme of any tete-a-tete
As well as this ? Such evidence
Hepugnant is to common sense.

Ursus. This conversation was, my lord, 495
Communicated, word for word,
To CANIS, and on that was built
The full confession of his guilt ;
Twas the inducement, or the basis
Of his confession ...such the case is. 500

Dama. My lord, confessions cannot be
Direct, (so it appears to me)
When such inducements. ...such extortion,
Have drawn them forth... .why, 'tis abortion ;
There must be no inducement, sir, 505

To a confession of the Cur.

Equus^ My lord, I will maintain there should,
That it may well be understood
What the confession has betray'd,
And in what spirit it was made. 510

Court. You may go on and tell the court.
What you to CANIS did report,
If to the point it bear relation.

Did you .report the conversation



BEASTS AT LAW. 59

Between the Goat and Felis ?

Asinus. Yes. - 51 5

Dama. I must again object to this.
We're not prepared in our defence
To answer hear-say evidence,
Which this but leads to introduce....
I must object to such abuse, 520

Pardus. While they so very active are
To impeach our witness, 'tis but fair
To let her former declaration
Give present ones corroboration.
And secondly , my lord, we would, 525

Have the concealment understood,
Accounted for, by showing you
What first from her the secret drew.
And thirdly, touching the transgression,
Show what induced the Dog's confession, 530

And in what sense 'twas understood :
Is not such testimony good ?

Vertagus. This is a most refined pretence
To introduce, as evidence,

The accusations of a herd 535

Who can't substantiate a word,
And who, besides, dare not appear
To make these accusations here.
If the shrill mewings of a Cat

Against the Dog, with this and that, 540

Are here admitted, in succession,
As an inducement to confession,
Crimes might against the Dog appear,
Which he's no right or power to clear.



60 BEASTS AT LAW.

Already there has been enough 545

Aspersions, charges, and such stuff,

Spread round by Scandal's busy hand,

Without support on which to stand.

SCROFA, the Sow, who did her share,

In charges here before the chair, * 550

Was proved, and is considered, now,

An infamous lascivious Sow,

For slander's filthy gutter fitted,

And CANIS was of course acquitted.

Yet now, our adversaries wish 55-5

To serve, a second time, this dish.

Well, then, my noble lord, suppose

That, after all this slander goes

JEjc Parteto the horned jury,

For so it must be I assure you, 560

That no confession should appear ?

It goes for nothing then, 'tis clear.. ...

But probably your lordship thinks,

As 1 do, that such slander stinks,

And that the court ought not to hear it. 565

Not that our client need to fear it,

But that, my noble lord, because,

? Tis innovating on the laws.

At all events, it must be best,

If CANIS any thing confest, 570

To let it first be simply stated,

And when its nature is debated,

If it then call for explanation

There's time enough.

Reynard. One observation, 57$



BEASTS AT LAW. 61

And only one will I intrude.

It must, I think, be understood,

That a confession, in thefold,

However black, should not be told.

Unless necessity may call, 58

It should not be reveal* d at all ;

• T would be a breach of confidence.
  

Excusable on no pretence.

For sake of argument, suppose

He did confess.. ..whate'er he chose ;

That they extorted some expression

Which they denominate confession;

On what condition was it made ?

This, doubtless...." Not to be betray'd."

Then why uncharitably reveal 590

What they have promised to conceal ?

This, I affirm, is acting wrongly.

Equus. Which I, my lord, deny as strongly j
I reconcile such evidence
To conscience, law and common sense. 595

Court, ASINUS, you'd a conversation,
Which to the subject bears relation,
With the defendant ? Please to state it.

Mnus. I will, my lord, with truth relate it :
By the request of FELIS, sir, 600

I had a meeting with the cur.
'Twas six days (I remember now)
Before the trial of the Sow.

Ursus. But, on a certain time, did you
With CASIS ask an interview ? 605

Acinus. I did, just after SCROFA'S tvialj
And he expressing no denial.



6' BEASTS AT LAW.

Agreed the interview to hold

In MULUS* stall below the fold.

A conversation I related, 610

(After the Cat her own had stated

With the defendant) which would let

Some accusations

Vertagus. With regret,

I interrupt the evidence,

(If to that name it have pretence) 615

But duty bids me say, my lord,

With your indulgence. ...but one word.... [(; Ursus.
It strikes me that whate'er they call
Co'-fctisions here, will, after all

The means to which they have resorted, 620

Turn out to be from him extorted,
By unfair threats ...if that's the case,
The jury should not give it place.
I, therefore, lest debate should tire,
Would beg his lordship to enquire, 625

Whether, amid such threatening furies,
The Dog was so far siti juris,
As that his words, without restriction,
Are proofs enough for his. conviction.
My lord, confessions should be made 650

Where neither hopes nor fears invade.,
To be sufficient evidence
Of any Dog's conviction: hence,
That offered by the present witness
Is now opposed for its unfitness. 635

For if it should, my lord, appear,
That these concessions rose from



Of such an h



BEASTS AT LAW. 63



such an hostile combination.
Which play'd on his imagination ;
Which sported with his hopes and fears, 640

While in dismay, distress, and tears,
Lest malice, should he not confess,
Would murder all his happiness :
I say, my lord, if this be true,

He'd a more dreadful fate in view, 645

Than the worst Alligator's fury,
That swims the waters of Missouri.

JLeofiardus. When officers come into court
A beast*s confession to report,

It is their duty first to swear, 650

That 'twas not gain'd by means unfair ;
That threats nor bribes the secret wrung,
But free volition moved the tongue.
This is the right of the accused ;
And though the threats or bribes be used 655

By inducement of the prosecutor,
Or by himself ...as best shall suit her,
It still destroys the evidence.

F.yuus. Reason, my lord. ...mere common sense,
Is full enough to show each word 660

My friends have said, to be absurd.
But let the question now be put
And if they get an answer to't
In their own favor, by permission,
We'll then have time for disquisition. 665

Pardu *. A s i v u s , /; r w '" v.f to re 1 utin g
To A^IS, \. -.. the Cat was stating,
And what the Go -f; !nd told the C^t,
Did you use threats i come, answer that.



64 BEASTS AT LAW.

Asinm. J answer no But FELIS told him, 670
In tone a* if she meant to scold him, '
That if he did not see her mate,
Her mate would see the Mastiff, straight.

Court* Could what i/ou uttered be construed
As promises, or threatenings rude ; 675

Jlsinus. 'Twas hoped, my lord, as all advised,
The matter would be compromised.
Before confession, nought was stated
Concerning what the Cat related.
Her own affair, we hoped, would drop, 680

And no one ever rake it up.
My charges 'gainst the Dog, were three,...
Just as the Goat had told to me :
First, his professions of affection,
Which met from CAPRA due rejection ; 685

And, secondly^ resort to force,
Which rudeness was repell'd.... (of course)
And, thirdly^ what took place between
The parties at the granary scene.
I then began, and to his face, 690

Pronounced him infamous and base ;
He wept, and so did the committee....
He through confusion.. ..we from pity.
He said he felt such keen distress
He would the shameful truth confess ; 695

That his behaviour to these two
(The Cat and Goat) was bad he knew ;
So bad, he'd thought the Sow was sent
An instrument of punishment.

He afterwards, however, said 700

That this confession which he made,,



BEASTS AT LAW. 65

Was not intended to include
The acts, but conversations rude.

Cross-examined by Reynard.

Reynard. What office did the Mastiff hold,
Before appointed in the fold ? 705

Asinus. Near Mississippi's farthest spring,
He waited on our Mammoth king.

Dama. What character does CAPRA bear ?

Asinus, I never heard but that 'twas fair.

Court. Did she assert, do you suppose, 710

That she could lead you by the nose ?

Asinus. I heard she said so, but must doubt it.*..
At least, I care not much about it.

Dama. Told she the truth, that you by many,
Were call'd no name but " Sister .\a?iny ?" 715

Asinus. Envy alone gave me that name....
It never ting'd my cheek with shame.

Reynard. That which would cause an Ass , to blush
Wzuld bury other beasts in brush. . [aside..

Eguus. Who \vas the first, of all the fold, 720
That call'd you so ?

Mnu*. I've not been told.

Dama. Believed you SCUOFA'S accusation ?

Asinus. Not till the present confirmation ;
But now I do, and so I told
The Mustiff, when before the fold. 725"

Reun. You thought that CAPRA was not blameless f
But prone to acts which.... shall be nameless,

Aninits. If I made use of that expression,
'Twas grounded on the Dog's confession.

Rei-rard. You have felt deeply interested 730
1 1) this affair, since first contested?
O



BEASTS AT LAW*

Cer-vus. To that inquiry I object.
Dama. I'll prove the question is correct j
Because, my lord, it will be seen
That this meek Ass was moved by spleen ; 725
Was urged by hate and envy's sway,
Like some inveterate beast of prey ;
To range the forest, hill and bog,
For instruments to crush the Dog.

Court. Do you feel enmity or hate 740

Against the Dog ?

Mnus. I mourn his fate ;

Consider him a fallen brother,
Nor hate him worse than any other.

Dama. And for your fallen brother's good
Did you not ransack all the wood, 745

In search of counsel for the state,
To seal your fallen brother's fate ?

jisinus. That I can answer, if I must.

Dama. Did not my friend, the Courser, first,
Apply to you for leave to act 750

Against him ?

Equus. I deny the fact.
The course I took, rny lord, was built
On full persuasion of his guilt ;
And when retain'd, did not advise
This prosecution, till my eyes 755

Were fully opened by ASINUS,
Who did himself refuse to join us,
Till I insisted his support
Should be demanded by the court.

Da'- a. Has not some comrade often found you
With groups of cattle all around you, 761



BEASTS AT LAW.. 67

Urging their malice not to soften ?

Asinus. I've talked about it very often.'

Dama. You saw the Goat, some time before,
Kiss CANIS, at the granary door ? 765

Asinus. I never said I witness'd that ;
But I have heard he kiss'd the Cat ;
Such conduct may some creatures suit,
But 1 have never kiss'd a brute;
They may permit a canine elf, 770

But I will never do't myself.

Ovis. Good reason mhi/y unJioU&hed brute I
No elect nt shee/i would let you do'f. [aside.

The Ass retired with gentle pace,
And most serene unruffled face ; 775

Among the neighing tribes to stray,
And barter rotten oats for hay ;
For where he fed, beneath a W2//,
He kept a kind of broker's stall ;

And when a brute, for lack of grass, 78Q

Begg'd but a mouthful from the Ass,
He'd give a scanty lock of hay,
And take the suppliant's hide in pay.

Of better mettle, but of grain
More stubborn than the flinty plain,
A Mule, of obstinate deport, 785

Now stalk'd majestic into court,
Attended by his gentle mate,
On whose fair lips hung Mastiff's fate.
This beast had roarn'd the savage waste, 790

And knew a thousand plants by taste ;
So undertook, nor fear'd of failing,
To cure each beast of every ailing ;



6*8 BKASTS AT LAW,






And we had ne'er a quack to school us.

So much admired as doctor MULUS. ?&&

He took his station, as desired,

And CERVUS of him thus inquired :

Cer-vus. Had you a conversation, sir,
About this matter, with the cur ?
Inform the court if that's the case, 800

How, when, and where the same took place.

Mulua. I heard a conversation pass
JJctween the Dog, the Cat, and Ass ;
For I was present, by request,
To hear what talk escaped the rest. 805

Ceri>us. What conversation did you note
Concerning injuries done the Goat ?

JMulitf;. ASINUS, FELIS, Dog and all,
Came, by agreement, to my stall,

Some distance from the river shore 810

I'll tell the truth and nothing more. [earnestly.

Cervua* Did FELIS any charge produce
From CAPRA, of the Dog's abuse ?
Tell us the Mastiff's conversation....
What said the Cur on that occasion ? 515

Mulus. The Cat charged CAMS with the vise
Of telling CAPUA, once or twice,
Hovr much he loved her.. ..for which cause
He'd find that she (the Cat) had claws;

For had you not, continued s.he, 820

Mucle love to her as well as me,
.My o\vr* complaint had not come out" *

JRcyn. A little jealousy, I doubt* [aside;.

JMitlus. CAMS confess'd that some expressions
I'.I:,d dropt from him Uke love-professions, 825



BEASTS AT LAW. 69

Which CAPRA had repell'd with scorn,
Threatening to tell her CAPRICORN ;
To leave the fold, and take no more
Her rations at the granary door.

Reyn. We recollect these rations, well. 830

Leoji. What further from the Mastiff fell ?

Mulus. He said, in a peculiar note,
" CAPRA'S an artful, cunning Goat ;
But I could circumstances state
To ruin CAPRA with her mate, 835

And give her credit such a shock,
That she'd be scorn' d by all the flock/'
I ask'd the Dog, in great surprise.
What gave to that assertion rise,
For nothing had I ever seen, $40

In CAPRA'S conduct bad or mean.
He answered thus : " I only meant
That acts, which may be innocent,
Might be display 'd in such a light,
That they'll appear as black as night ; 845

And should I something so display,
Her reputation fades away."
But, added, when I look'd surprised.
That such a measure he despised.
Take note of that ! ! 1"

Leofi. Hold, doctor Mule I 850

In this place you must bend to rule.
And such impertinence again,
Perhaps may meet a bit and rein.

Mulus. I merely by those words design'dj
That it should not escape your mind. 85 S



70 BEASTS AT LANV.

Three charges next ASINUS made,

The same which he has here displayed,

Against the Dog, who heard them through,

And then acknowledged...." it is true"

On. that, with most pathetic bray, 860

The Ass attempted to display

The danger of his awful course,

On which he dwelt with warmth and force,

CAMS replied, " I will confess,

That I have err'd....

Vertagus. JVb Ass does less. [aside 865

Mulus. " But must my innocence avow
Of charges stated by the Sow."
As I some things began to urge,
BRUIN* applied to stop a purge ;
And going to relieve the Bear, 870

MULA, I found was listening there,
Who said that she

Leofi. That will not do,

.Do not tell us what she told you ;
But let us hear what next took place,
When you'd prescribed for BRUIN'S case. 875

Mulus. When I return'd, to please my mate,
I let her witness the debate ;
Who ask'd, the moment she appeared,
The meaning of the speech she heard,
And what poor CAPRJV had been doing, S80

That CAMS could effect her ruin ?
a Why, my dear sister, he replied,
I only meant, that, if I tried,
I could make things so bad appear,
That she'd have every thing to fear.'j BBS



IMEASTS AT LAW, 71.

And then he mentioned an affair

To MULA known, about a Mare

Who innocently suffered so,

Above a year and half ago.

My mate enquired if he had seen

An action wanton, base, or mean,

In CAPRA'S conduct, or had heard

Her tongue pronounce a naughty word ?

And vow'd, if that should be the case,

The flock should bring her to disgrace, 895

He answer'd MUL\, that he had

Known nought of CAPRA mean or bad ;

But that a beast, inclined to ill,

Might consummate her fuin still.

Then in an accent low and irieek, 900

With fallen tail and moistened cheek,

He ask'd if we our rage would smother ?

" Forgive, he cried, a- fallen brother 1"^

ASINUS readily agreed,

And so we all forgave the deed; 905

Bade him depart, and sin no more,

And this affair should all blow o'er.

The Ass proposed for one to go

To CAPRICORN'S, and ward the blow >

1 undertook it for my brother, 910

Having more influence than another.

Reyn. With CAPRICORN, or CAPRA, doctor ?

Jtfulvs. I scorn your words, pedantic proctor !

Reyn. I must request the court, I fear.
To check your insolent career; 915

I cannot tell, unmanner'd Mule !
Jf you're a quack in physic's school ;



72 BEASTS AT LAW.

But that you're one in declamation

Needs not the proof of demonstration.

So now go on, with gentler pace. 920

Mulus. I soon arriv'd at CAPRA'S place,
And told her that the whole affair,
Through FELIS' means, was taking air ;
And wish'd, if possible, it might
Be buried in oblivious night.
The Goat, in monstrous rage, on that
Began to rail against the Cat,
For thus exposing, to the fold,
What she in confidence had told.

She now would have to tell her mate, 930-

Before he heard another's prate ;
For if he got it first from them,
Herself unheard he might condemn.

Cervus. Did you return and tell the Cur,
What past between yourself and her? 935

Mulus. I told the Dog our conversation,
And that 'twas her determination
To tell her mate the whole affair ;
When he exclaim'd, in deep despair,
"My ruin follows the disclosure !
Will she persist in my exposure ?
My future fate, my life or death
Suspended hang on CAPRA'S breath ;
'Tis hers to save, or else destroy
My every hope of earthly joy.
If you can do me any good.
For Mammoth's sake, I wish you would I"
I told him that he might depend
On my exertions as a friend;



BEASTS AT LA^SV. 73

And so we parted.

Cervus: \Vhenhadyou 950

With CAPKICORN an interview ?

Afulus. He came that evening to my stall,
And said his mate had told him all.
He seem'd composed, sedate and cool,
But obstinate.

Reyn. As any Mule. [aside 955

Mulus. Resolved to seek for satisfaction.
And institute a legal action.
I used my rhetoric in vain
His resolution to restrain ;
And so did Sister Nanny too,

But our dissuasion would not do. 96Q

He swore to make the Mastiff smart,
And in that humor did depart.

Cross examined by Leopardus.

Leop. You undertake, on oath, to say
You t^ed to do this thing away, -965

And wish'd to have it quite forgot ?

Mulus, I do.

Leofi. But tell me, did you not

Through all the wood pursue your rout,
And bray malicious slanders cut,
To prejudice the beasts at large, 970

Against the object of their charge ?

Mulu&. Not till I saw a combination
Resolved on virtue's degradation ;
Prepared the cause of vice to prop,
\Yhile that of innocence should drop. 973

Leo.'i. Did not the fold expel you thence ?

Mulus, Not for the want of evidence



74 BEASTS AT

On my behalf

JLeop. I wish to know

If you sought Mastiff's overthrow,
Or in his service was sincere ? 980

Mulus. The Cat would tell you, were she here.

Leoft. You thought your agency would tend
To serve the Mastiff as a friend ?

Mulus. I've told you once how I designed it ;
If you want other language, find it. 985

Reyn. Answer directly with precision
Did you think yours a friendly mission ?

Mulus. I did not think the Cat his friend,
But never did myself intend

To injure CANIS in the least, 990

Whatever names I call'd the beast.

jLeo/z. You said you pitied and forgave him ?

M^lus. Yes, so I did, and wish'd to save him.

Leoft. But since have changed ?

Mulus. I think 'twas time>

When CANIS first confest his crime, 995

And then denied what he'd confest.

Leofi. The moment CAPRICORN exprest
Irlis firm resolve to prosecute,
You turned, and join'd in the pursuit ?

Mulus. I changed opinion on the ground 1000
That he had such supporters found,
As would destroy, in his defence,
The character of innocence ;
Virtue asperse, to ward his fate,
And even implicate my mate, 1005



BEASTS AT LAW. 75

Mulua dismissed, and Mula called.

Cer-vus. Madam, you'll please to tell the court
Whate'er you know.

Reyn. Except report.

Mula. The cause of my intrusion, sir,
Was merely this I heard the Cur
Tell FELIS he could quite destroy 1010

The Goat's fair fame, and every joy ;
And easily effect her ruin.
The doctor being call'd by BRUIN,
I ask'd him if he wa'nt ashamed
To hear poor CAPRA thus defamed ? 1015

And then requested his permission
To join the little inquisition;
Which being granted, I begun,
And ask'd what act the Goat had done
That he (the Mastiff) could destroy 1020

Her reputation, peace, and joy ?
The Mastiff answered "you mistake ;
My meaning was, that I could make
Some things, by glossing, seem so black,
That CAPRA'S fame would go to wreck." 1025

The sun was set, and evening's shade
Hung deepening o'er the narrow glade ;
The trees distill'd refreshing damps,
The fire flies trimm'd their little lamps ;
The cricket tried his amorous note, 1030

The tree-toad tuned his hoarser throat ;
The bull-frog chaunted from the stream,
Sparkling with Cynthia's silver beam ;
While whipperwills, from every grove,
Taught Echo's voice the tone of love. 1035



76 BEASTS AT LAW.

LEO, fatigued with regal cares,

A long dull day of law affairs,

Required refreshing sleep's support,

And so adjourn'd the savage court. 1039



END OF CANTO II.



BEASTS AT LAW:



OR,



Zoologian Jurisprudence.

CANTO III.



H



THE ARGUMENT.

DESCRIPTION of morning the court meets CAPUA re-ex
amined Recapitulation Cross-examined by LEOPARPUS
RUBE cu LA, the Redbreast, examined GALLINAGO, the
Snipe, examined SCOLOPAX, the Woodcock, examined
Cross-examined by PARDUS CORNICULUS, the Rabbit,
examined ERINACEUS, the Hedgehog 1 , examined The
Opossum examined The Rat examined The Sparrow
examined The Woodpecker examined The Quail exami
ned The Fox examined, for the prosecution Cross-ex
amined, by LEOPARD us- ASINUS re-examined, for the
prosecution MERULA, the Blackbird, re-examined Dr.
MULUS re-examined, for the prosecution The evidence
closed, by LEOPARDUS REYNARD'S speech for the De
fendant The speech of LEOPARDUS for defendant The
speech of URSUS, in summing up for the beasts- Martin's
speech against the defendant The LION'S charge to the
jury The end.

S c E N,E as before . Time ajout t\v eive hours



BEASTS AT LAW.

A POEM,

IN THREE CANTOS'.

CANTO ip.

'* Be Dog and Goat together tied ;
A hoodwink'd Ape with lash supplied^
And while each stroke at random falls,
The first that winces, cries, or squalls,
Shall be the scoff of all the race,
And held in abject low disgrace."

Sentence of the court.

THE morn, in purple glories dight,

Now burst upon the rear of Night,

Who, gathering up his lurid vest,

Retreated swift towards the west.

All nature wakes from soft repose, 5

The flowers their dewy breasts unclose,

Whsre insect tribes their votaries pay,

And sip their nectared sweets away.

The birds commence their matin song,

And streams of music float along ; 10

Their grassy couch the herds forsake,

To crop the mead, or taste the lake,

And all commence the infant day,

As toil or pleasure points the way ;

Till summoned by the Jackall's roar, /15

The court assembled as before.

• BEASTS AT LAW.
  

Cafira 're-examined.
Cervus. CAPRA, we call on you
Some information to obtain,
Why you have waited till this time
Since Dog's commission of the crime, 2Q

And hid his fault till this late season
Of this delay explain the reason.

Cafira. I feared the consequences, sir,
Would be most dreadful to the Cur ;
And so assumed a feigned esteem, 2

That none the truth might ever dream?
The secret of my wrongs, untold
To any member of the fold,
,So weigh'd upon my aching breast,
That 1 had neither health nor rest ; 4P

My spirits sunk beneath the weighs,
Till nature found the load too great*
J Twas then, (about six weeks ago)
Finding existence ebbing low,

.To FELIS I disclosed the fact, 3o

And begg'd her counsel how to act;
But made her promise ne'er to, teH.
^f he secret I had kept so well,.

Cervw. But first did she accuse the Cur
Of having done the same to her ? 40

Ca/ira. Yes, she confided first in me,
So I could do no less, you see,
Than trust her with my confidence,
Though I repent it sadly since.

Cervus. How came you finally to tell 45

Your matCj whose rage you knew so well ?



BEASTS AT LAW.' 81

Caflra. After the Cat had thus betray'd it,
I knew 'twas useless to evade it ;
And so to CAPRICORN confest
The whole affair and eas'd my breast. *0

Cervus. Ovis affirms she heard a kiss,
When once together how is this ?

Cafira. The time she mentions I can swear
J Twas she who kiss'd the Mastiflf there,
And when I charged her with the blame 55

She begg'd me ne'er to tell the same.

Cervus. Ovis, you know, has sworn she saw
You coming from the Mastiff's straw ;
Explain that matter.

Cajira. 'Tis a lie

The Ewe was there herself not I. 60

Cervua. The Magpie swears you show'd a Stag
Your dugs.

Cafira. What insolence in Mag!
She knows that time I suckled kid,
And if he saw themthen he did.

Cervus. The Goldfinch swears you kiss'd the Cur .
What answer can you give to her ? 66

Cajira. My mate was present at the time,
And would he overlook the crime ?
Would he see CANIS thus offend,
And still remain his warmest friend ? 70

For such he was, I dare avow,
In that affair about the Sow ;
Where I am sure (although acquitted)
That CAXIS had the crime committed.

Cervus. One witness has affirmed you cried 7$

• < Adieu, my dear ! Pm
  

US



8 BEASTS AT LAW.

Cafira. I do not recollect it, sir j
I ne'er in private saw the Cur,
Except, as I have stated here,

The tune the villain bit my ear. 80

Cross-examined, by Leopardus.

Leoft. You heard COLUMBA here relate
Remarks of yours about your mate ;
You said you had to kick and spur

Cafira. I never said the thing to he-r,

Leofi. What say you of the river scene, 8$

After you both were wash'd so clean ?
Did you not nestle in his hair
To screen you from the chilly air ?

Cafira. He cover'd me to make me warm,
And I had not a thought of harm ; 9O

Had I suspected any evil,
I would have butted like the devil.

Court. You must have done so, then, *tis clear,
When he was rude, and bit your ear?

Cafira. I had not time, 1 fled away, $

1 felt so vext I could not stay.

Rubeculciy the Redbreast , examinee^,

Leoji. My little Robin, please to state
What you have heard the Ass relate.

Rub. Ovis enquired of him, one day,
What the poor Mastiff had to say ; 100

And whether he'd the whole confess'd,
When thus the Ass himself exprest :
' The Dog does not confess the fact,
And still denies he did the act ;
lie only owns he dropt expressions 105

Which might amount to love-professions,'*



LEASTS AT LAW.- 8&


And this I heard ASINUS say,

Some time since the confession-day.

Leofi. Call up the Snipe.

Darria. She's here at hand.

Le.op. Sweet GALLINAGO, take the stand. 110
Tell what you know.

Gall. I ask'd the Ass,

Who came my way about some grass,
If CANIS had confess'd his faults ;
He told me he denied assaults,

And every thing akin tofirce, 115

But merely own*d some loose discourse.
And then ASINUS added to't,
That CAPRA was a shocking brute ;
Obscene in talk, and rude to boot.

Scolo/iaxy the Woodcock, examined.

Scol. My GALLINAGO spoke correct, 120

And I, besides, can recollect
How zealous in the Mastiff 's cause
This very same ASINUS was,
His crime, he told a dozen birds,
Was merely trifling, foolish words, 13-5

For which no creature ought to smart,
And he forgave him from his heart.



The Translator must here express his regret for the
unavoidable omission of several pages of this interesting- tri
al. But although he has searched high and low for them,
they cannot be found. There is but one chance remaining
for their existence They might have been accidentally left
with the boatmen, on the Missisippi. The translator has dis
patched a. courier la Fort Pitt, and, another to New-Orleans*



$8 BEASTS At LAW.

to make enquiries on this subject. , Should these messengers
be successful, the public shall be furnished, without delay,
with the object of their search, neatly printed in a supplement.
Until that auspicious moment, they are requested to suspend
their curiosity, and pass on to the remainder of the work.
From a careful perusal of the original, immediately following
this unfortunate hiatus, I find, that the Fox has arisen to ad-
dress the court on the part of the defendant ; that he has
summed up the evidence, and thus proceeds in addressing*
the jury : J

" You are not summon'd to decide 295

Whether defendant be allied
To the fleet Pointers of his nation,
Or as a Cur deserves his station ;
This would be usurpation rude,
And on our monarch's rights intrude, 300

To whose prerogative alone
Belong the means to make it known,
Nor are you to emblazon forth
Defendant's worth, or lack of wortft,
In character, or orthodox, 305

As guardian of his fold and flocks ;
This is for those who placed him there,
Confiding in his trust and care :
And those who dare this right invade,
Should to all beasts a scorn be made. 310

You've simply to decide the facts,
Whether defendant did the acts j
And did the acts with rude intent,
Against the plaintiff's own consent i
For in the law, by legal course, 313

Assault and battery rise from force ;
And where no force is used, *tis plain,*
No cause for action can reraain.



BEASTS AT LAH% 89

' ki Tis requisite, in your decision,
To give the evidence revision,
And make an honest calculation
Of CAPRA'S worth in reputation.
Who is this CAPRA ? Horned jury,
'Tis painful business, I assure ye,
To urge enquiries which embrace
A fellow-creature's sad disgrace.
But when a female, dead to shame,
Will thus the public notice claim ;
When she enlists in such a cause,
Not for the love of virtue's laws, 330

But for the purpose of destroying
The fame which others are enjoying,
Tis ours the question to pursue....
Who is the prosecutrix ? ... Who- f
On her own statement, she's a beast
Who'll bear an insult well at least ;
And live in friendship with the brute
Who treats her like a prostitute ;
Conceal his insults from her mate,
For nearly three years after date. '340

If we can credit her report,
Made here on oath before the court-
She bore with patient resignation
A wrong of deepest aggravation ;
Permitted her chaste matron ear

But finding his intreaties vain,

This virtuous Goat's consent to gain,

He next this awful threat applies :

"If you your reputation prize,

Keep this a secret... .or I swear, 695

By the official garb I wear,

I'll tell the flock, and they'll believe it,

What damns your fame.. ..you can't retrieve it."

Besides all this, to gam his ends,

lie thus the horrid act commends : 700

" If I, your shepherd, dare commit it,

Sure your own conscience may acquit it ;

Why, I have twice perforra'd the thing,

And yet am honored by the king ;

So far from losing reputation, 70S

I've been promoted to this station."

He then the well-known fable brought,

About the mouse by Lion cv.aght,

To demonstrate that any ill

Can find forgiveness, if we will. 710

" Tis stated that a combination
Is formed to blast his reputation :
I'll grant it.. ..but 'tis not my client,
Nor yet the Ass, or ?,!ule, rely on" c,
Who form this combination.. ..No I
Those who have plann'cl his overthrow,
Are his own counsel and the thr
Of evidence they brought along ;
Whose tales have shock'cl each modest car.
And cail'd forth delicacy's tear ;
Thrill'd every virtuous heart wit
And damn'd the Mastiff, pv



96 BEASTS AT LAW.

" And first, fair Ovis....her report
Can never influence such a court j
Suppose that CAPRA ask'd the Cur, 72$

As Ovis swears, to visit her ;
Suppose he shared her choicest food,
Does't follow that the Goat w,as rude ?
NO....OVIS, by her evidence,

Pourtrays herself the slave of sense ; 7*30

A loose, light, giddy, wanton ewe,
As e'er disgraced the bleating crew;
The " weak spit" story I despise
As I clo her that gave it rise.

As to the Magpie's declaration*. 735

It merits no investigation ;
And POLL, the Parrot's, is so vile,
To touch it would my tongue defile.
The Pigeon is a pretty bird,

But when her vulgar tale I heard, 740

So foreign from her honest duly,
1 could not but forget her beauty.
The Ringdove's story claims attention,,..
For if 'tis more than mere invention,
Jt proves, in spite of all they say, v 745

That CANIS met the Goat half way.
NUMIDICA, the Turkey's tale ?
If you believe it, cannot fail
To damn the Dog.. ..for she affirms,
In the most plain and vulgar terms? 750

That Canis did commit the act.,.-,



r^CP Whrt! another deficiency ! Gentle reader, Jt is nat
lilt When I commenced the translation I thought live



BLASTS AT LAW. 97

work was perfect and entire ; but now find, to my great HIOP-
titication, that more than half the third Canto is missing-
Even LEO'S most excellent charge to the jury is involved in
the same fate, excepting- a small portion of it, in which he
sums up the evidence, and explains the law, in a most mas
terly manner. He then goes on to reprobate the immoral
tendency of such trials upon public morals, and concludes
in the following manner :~]

' t( And lastly, gentle Bulls, if you

Believe that CAMS did pursue

The lecherous course imputed to him,

Your verdict must, and will, undo hinj. 9 SO

But if, again, 'tis your opinion,

That CAPRA, under lust's dominion,

Invited what she now calls/ore?,

You must acquit the Dog of course."

[|Cr* SAMPFILIUS then informs us, in a note, that tlie
jury retired about midnight, and after consulting on the sub
ject an hour, returned into Court and delivered the following*
verdict by their foreman:]

" The jury, having weigh'd the cause, 985

By justice, truth, and virtue's laws,
Beg leave to state, that all their talents
Can find no difference in the balance ;
And so this verdict bring on oath....
" The Dog and Goat are Guilty both." 990

" Since that's the case, the judge replies,
With me alone the duty lies,
First to exhort you to repentance,
And then declare our final sentence :

" BE Dog and Goat together tied : 995

A ho9d-wink'd Ape with lash supplied,
And while each stroke at random falls*
The first that winces, cries, or squalls,.
Shall be the scoff of all the race,
And held in abject, low disgrace/' 1000