Big Sur/Chapter 29
The little child refuses to sleep in his crib but has to come trotting out and watch us make love on the bed but Billie says “That’s good, hell learn, what other way will he ever learn?”—I feel ashamed but because Billie is there and she’s the mother I must go along and not worry—Another sinister fact—At one point the poor child is drooling long slavers of spit from his lips watching, I cry “Billie, look at him, it’s not good for him” but she says again “Anything he wants he can have, even us.”
“But kid it’s not fair, why doesnt he just sleep?”—“He doesnt wanta sleep, he wants to be with us”—“Ooh,” and I realize Billie is insane and I’m not as insane as I thought and there’s something wrong—I feel myself skidding: also because during the following week I keep sitting in that same chair by the goldfish bowl drinking bottle after bottle of port like an automaton, worrying about something, Monsanto comes to visit, McLear, Fagan, everybody, they call to me dashing up the stairs and we have long drunken days talking but I never seem to get out of that chair and never even take another delightful warm bath reading books—And at night Billie comes home and we pitch into love again like monsters who dont know what else to do and by now I’m too blurry to know what’s going on anyway tho she reassures me everything is alright, and meanwhile Cody has completely disappeared—In fact I call him up and say “Are you gonna come back and get me here?”—“Yes yes yes in a few days, stay there” as tho maybe he wants me to learn what’s happening like putting me throu an ordeal to see what I have to say about it because he’s been through the ordeal himself.
In fact everything is going crazy.
Perry’s visits scare me: I begin to think he must be one of those “strong armers” who beat up old men: I watch him warily—All this time he’s pacing back and forth saying “Man dont you appreciate those sweet little cans? what does it matter how old a woman is, 9 or 19, those little pony tails jiggling as they walk with those little jigglin cans”—“Did you ever kidnap one?”—“You out of wine, I’ll make a run for you get some more, or would you rather have pot or sumptin? what’s wrong with you?”—“I dont know what’s goin on!”—“You’re drinking too much maybe, Cody told me you’re falling apart man, dont do it”—“But what’s goin on?”—“Who cares, pops, we’re all swingin in love and tryin to go from day to day with self respect while all the squares are puttin us down”—“Who?”—“The Squares, .puttin down Us . . . we wanta swing and live and carry across the night like when we get to L.A. I’m goin to show you the maddest scene some friends of mine down there” (in my drunkenness I’ve already projected a big trip with Billie and Elliott and Perry to Mexico but were going to stop in L.A. to see a rich woman Perry knows who’s going to give him money and if she doesnt he’s going to get it anyway, and as I say Billie and I are going to get married too)—The insanest week of my life—Billie at night saying “You’re worried that I cant handle marrying you but of course we can, Cody wants it too, I’ll talk to your mother and make her love me and need me: Jack!” she suddenly cries with anguished musical voice (because I’ve just said “Ah Billie go get yourself a he-man and get married”), “You’re my last chance to marry a He Man!”—“Whattayou mean He Man, dont you realize I’m crazy?”—“Youre crazy but you’re my last chance to have an understanding with a He Man”—“What about Cody?”—“Cody will never leave Evelyn”—Very strange—But more, tho I dont understand it.