Bill the Minder

From Wikisource
 
Jump to: navigation, search
Bill the Minder  (1912) 
by W. Heath Robinson


Edinburgh: T. and A. Constable, Printers to His Majesty

TO THE GOOD CHILDREN OF CHLOE AND CRISPIN THE GATHERER OF MUSHROOMS—CHAD, HANNIBAL, QUENTIN, RANDALL, NOAH, RATCHETT, NERO, BIDDULPH, KNUT, AND THE TRULY VIRTUOUS AND BEAUTIFUL BOADICEA, THIS BOOK IS MOST HUMBLY AND RESPECTFULLY DEDICATED BY THE FAITHFUL NARRATOR OF THEIR EVER-WONDERFUL ADVENTURES

CONTENTS

CONTENTS

PAGE
BILL THE MINDER 1
THE KING OF TROY 15
THE ANCIENT MARINER 33
THE TRIPLETS 51
GOOD AUNT GALLADIA 65
THE DOCTOR 79
THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN 97
THE SICILIAN CHAR-WOMAN 115
THE INTERVAL 133
THE REAL SOLDIER 147
THE WILD MAN 165
THE MUSICIAN 183
THE LOST GROCER 199
THE MERCHANT'S WIFE 213
THE CAMP-FOLLOWERS 227
THE SIEGE OF TROY 241
THE END 255


LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS

COLOURED PLATES

FRONTISPIECE    
THE KING OF TROY COMPELLED TO ASK HIS WAY To face page 30
THE SPORT OF EVERY MER-KID ,, 48
HE WAS ALWAYS AT HAND ,, 58
I FELL FROM MY POSITION ,, 72
THE LORD MAYOR HELD A LONG COUNCIL ,, 88
THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN ,, 110
BASIL HERBERT DEVELOPS A CHILBLAIN ,, 122
AND LEFT HIM TO HAVE HIS CRY OUT ,, 140
REGINALD COMPLETELY LOST HIS TEMPER ,, 156
HARMLESS INDEED WERE OUR JOYS ,, 168
AND PLAYED IT FOR MY DELIGHT ,, 190
FOLLOWED HIM AT THE GREATEST SPEED ,, 208
BRINGING WITH THEM A LITTLE OLD MAN ,, 216
THEY CAME UPON A GREAT STONE SPHINX ,, 230
CLOSELY OBSERVED FROM THE WATCH TOWERS ,, 244


BILL THE MINDER

PAGE
TITLE-PAGE 1
HEADPIECE 2
HIS HOWLS BECAME TERRIFIC 7
ALWAYS INVENTING NEW WAYS OF MINDING 10
YOUNG TOOTH-CUTTERS FORGOT THEIR TROUBLES 11
THE ONLY MINDER OF THE DISTRICT 13
TAILPIECE 14

THE KING OF TROY

TITLE-PAGE 15
HEADPIECE 16
HE CLIMBED THE RICK 18
HE COMMENCED HIS TALE 21
WHAT A TIME WE HAD 26
TAILPIECE 31
VIGNETTE 32


THE ANCIENT MARINER

TITLE-PAGE 33
HEADPIECE 34
I SIGN ON AS CABIN BOY 39
I WENT ON WITH MY SANDWICHES 42
FOR YEARS WE SAILED 47
TAILPIECE 49
VIGNETTE 50


THE TRIPLETS

TITLE-PAGE 51
HEADPIECE 52
ENDEAVOURING TO COMFORT THE OLD MAN 55
WE GREW UP IN COMPARATIVE HAPPINESS 58
THE TRIPLETS ACCOMPANY THE ARMY 63
TAILPIECE 64


GOOD AUNT GALLADIA

TITLE-PAGE 65
HEADPIECE 66
I JUST MANAGED TO REACH THE EGGS 71
I ANGLE THE AIR 72
I ERECTED MY POLE ON THE SANDS 73
ITS OLD STATELY SELF AGAIN 75

THE DOCTOR

TITLE-PAGE 79
HEADPIECE 80
FAR SOONER HAVE THE MUMPS 83
THE PUFF BAKER 87
TREATED WITH DELICIOUS JALAPS 88
AS SOME PATIENT PREPARED HIS DOSE 89
THE VERY SPARROWS GREW THIN 91
POSTCARD 94
POSTCARD 95
TAILPIECE 96


THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN

TITLE-PAGE 97
HEADPIECE 98
BOWING POLITELY TO THE PILLAR-BOXES 103
THE CHURCH STEEPLE HAD BEEN REMOVED 104
STANDING ALONE UPON THE WALLS 106
DANGLING BY HIS LEGS 109
TAILPIECE 113
VIGNETTE 114


THE SICILIAN CHAR-WOMAN

TITLE-PAGE 115
HEADPIECE 116
I TOOK LEAVE OF MY SORROWING FATHER 120
HARDLY DISGUISING HIS EFFORTS TO IGNORE ME 121
THEY WERE COMPELLED TO SEND FOR A PHYSICIAN 125
THE IMPROVEMENT WAS MAINTAINED 129
DISCOVERED A CLOVE KERNEL 130
VIGNETTE 132

THE INTERVAL

TITLE-PAGE 133
HEADPIECE 134
I FELL ON TO THE PARSNIP 137
THEY ALL ONCE MORE STARTED 138
ON THEIR ADVENTUROUS JOURNEY 139
THE WHOLE CAMP WAS FAST ASLEEP 142
TAILPIECE 145
VIGNETTE 146


THE REAL SOLDIER

TITLE-PAGE 147
HEADPIECE 148
THE REAL SOLDIER 153
'BUT HOLD!' CRIED THE PRESIDENT 156
'YOUR FATE BE UPON YOUR OWN HEAD' 157
FLOUNDERING ABOUT IN THE SEA 159
IN EXPECTATION OF THEIR LEADER 161
TAILPIECE 163
VIGNETTE 164


THE WILD MAN

TITLE-PAGE 165
HEADPIECE 166
I PLEADED MY CASE 169
AND KILLED IT ON THE SPOT 173
WE COOKED ONE GREAT STEAK 177
TAILPIECE 181
VIGNETTE 182


THE MUSICIAN

TITLE-PAGE 183
HEADPIECE 184
SHE NOW MADE OFF TO THE WOODS 189
HE WOULD CLIMB TO THE TOPMOST BRANCHES 190
SWEEPING THE DEAD LEAVES 195
WITH NO OTHER WEALTH THAN MY CONCERTINA 197
TAILPIECE 198


THE LOST GROCER

TITLE-PAGE 199
HEADPIECE 200
AFFECTED BY HIS STORY 205
PLUMP INTO THE RIVER WE WENT 206
THERE GREW IN FRONT OF ME A GREAT MOUND 209
SNEEZING AND SNEEZING 211


THE MERCHANT'S WIFE

TITLE-PAGE 213
HEADPIECE 214
MOPING ABOUT THE COMMON 219
KEPT HIM OUT OF MISCHIEF 223
GLORIOUS TARTS AND SWEETS 224
IT DIDN'T MATTER HOW MUCH YOU ATE 225
TAILPIECE 226


THE CAMP-FOLLOWERS

TITLE-PAGE 227
HEADPIECE 228
THE HEADS SERVED FOR DOLLS 233
YOU ARE NOW OUR ONLY HOPE 234
I FISHED AND FISHED AND FISHED 237
TAILPIECE 239
VIGNETTE 240

THE SIEGE OF TROY

TITLE-PAGE 241
HEADPIECE 242
PLAN OF SIEGE 245
THESE PARCELS WERE NOW LABELLED 248
AND PACKED HIM OFF TO PERSIA 251
TROY BECAME THE HAPPIEST TOWN 253



THE END

VIGNETTE 256


This work is in the public domain in the United States because it was published before January 1, 1923.

The author died in 1944, so this work is also in the public domain in countries and areas where the copyright term is the author's life plus 60 years or less. This work may also be in the public domain in countries and areas with longer native copyright terms that apply the rule of the shorter term to foreign works.