Eyesore/Chapter 32
XXXII
The next morning was heavily clouded. The sky which had been burning in the fiery heat of the last few days looked gratefully refreshed. Mahendra had left for his college long before the usual time. His cast off clothes were scattered over the balcony in front of his room and Asha was counting and making a list of them before making them over to the washerman who was waiting there.
Mahendra was naturally forgetful and careless and had always told Asha to go carefully through his pockets before sending anything to the wash. In the pocket of one of his tunics Asha felt a piece of paper. As she pulled it out she saw it was an open letter in Binodini's handwriting! In a moment she had gone ashy pale. She went inside the room and read the letter:—
So you are not satisfied with your absurd behaviour last night, and needs must send me a note by the maid—what must she have thought of us! Are you determined to shame me before the whole world!
What is it you want of me? Love? You have surfeited with it from your childhood and is your greed yet unsatisfied, that you must still be a beggar for more!
To love or be loved is not for me in this world, that is why in my despair I play with love. When you had a holiday you joined in the game, but holidays don't last for ever. Now that you are called in, don't be looking back at your playground. Shake off its dust and go home.
You say you love me. That sort of thing may be allowed in play, but seriously I do not believe it. Once you thought you loved Asha, that also was not true. The fact is you love only yourself. You have not that in you which can allay the burning thirst for love that consumes me, heart and soul. I now for the last time warn you to leave me alone, to cease to pursue and shame me with your shamelessness.
You have called me cruel: that may be true. But it is because I have also some pity left that I have decided to give you up. If you reply to this letter then I shall know my only refuge is in flight.
She had no sooner read through the letter than Asha felt as if all support had been taken away from her! all the nerves in her body felt suddenly relaxed, not a breath of air seemed left for her to breathe, and the very sun seemed to have lifted its rays off her eyes. Clutching at the wall, at the clothes-press and then at the back of a chair she swooned on the floor.
On recovering consciousness she sat up and again read through the letter, but this time the black lines merely danced across her vision, her dazed senses could make nothing of their meaning. What was it? What had happened? How could it be? What was she to do? Where to go? Whom to call to her aid? She was equally at a loss. Her choking heart cast about for something to hold on to, like a drowning man grasping at the empty air—till at length with a gasp she breathed out "Kaki!"
With the invocation of that beloved name the tears came to her relief and when after having flowed in torrents after torrents they at last came to an end, then came the thought: "What am I to do with this letter?"
She could not bear to think of the cruel shame to which her husband would be put if he knew that she knew of this letter. She decided to replace it in the pocket of the tunic and hang it back on the clothes horse, leaving it out of the wash-list. She rose and, letter in hand, went back to the balcony. She found the washerman had fallen asleep on the floor leaning against his bundle. Asha took up the tunic and was about to put the letter back into its pocket, when she heard Binodini coming up the stairs calling out, "Eyesore, dear!"
Asha hastily retreated into the room and throwing the tunic and letter on the bed sat on them.
"The washerman has got very careless and keeps changing the clothes," said Binodini as she came in. "I've come to fetch the unmarked ones to get them marked."
Asha could not look her in the face. Lest her own face should betray her she had turned towards the window and was gazing up at the sky. She had set her teeth to make sure that the tears should not come.
Binodini paused suddenly and stared at Asha. "I see," thought she, "so she knows something about last night! And all her anger's for me—as if the fault was mine!" She made no further attempt at conversation, but making a selection from among the scattered clothes, departed.
What pressed most cruelly on Asha's breaking heart was the weight of shame that she should so long have entertained for Binodini so pure a friendship. She tried once more to find in the bitter letter the ideal of her friend which she had so long cherished.
She had just began to re-read it when Mahendra hurriedly entered the room. Something had driven him homewards before closing time. He hesitated a moment on seeing Asha and then began to cast anxious glances round the room. Asha of course divined what he was in search of, but could think of no plan for placing the letter in the pocket noticed, and making her escape.
Mahendra then passed out into the balcony and went through his clothes one by one. Asha could bear the suspense no longer. She rose and throwing the tunic and letter to the ground held on to the bed post with her right hand, hiding her face in the curve of her arm.
Mahendra was back into the room with a bound, as he snatched up the letter. He stood still for a moment as he took a look at Asha. Then she could hear him tearing down the stairs.
"Mother!" the washerman was grumbling, "how much longer will it be before I get the clothes! It's getting late and I've such a long way to go!"