Homer in a Nutshell, or, His War Between the Frogs and the Mice (Parker)/Canto 3

by Homer

CANTO III.

 

Forth from each Camp two stalking Heralds came,
The near approach of Battle to proclaim.
Behind shrill Hornets, musical and large,
Tumultuous Clangors mingling sound the Charge:
While Saturn's Son their Arms to dignify
Rowls ominous Thunder through the ratling Sky.

First fell gigantick Crambeef in the Van,
A daring Chief, his length near half a Span,
Struck by a Lance from Gabberillo sent;
It pierc'd his Paunch and through the Liver went.
The Champion's Fall resounding Earth bespeaks,
And clotted Dust deforms his grov'ling Cheeks.
Rough Skulk a Jav'lin next at Bungy threw,
Hissing it pass'd, and through his Corslet flew:
Down, down he sinks; his eager Heart transfix'd
Spews out sweet Life with purple Oceans mixt.
At old Lapcustard Grub a Shaft let fly,
Which glancing through his Temples reach'd his Eye:
An easy Conquest instant Fate obtain'd,
And clos'd the Luminary that remain'd.
At bulky Groggle fierce Bisketto cast
A Spear, which singing int' his Garbage past.
He grunts not long nor welters in his Gore,
E'r his griev'd Soul finds out the new-made Door.
No sooner Bogrill had the Loss beheld,
But black Revenge his angry Bosom swell'd.
Collecting all his Force, and straining oft
The Monarch brandish'd with his Arms aloft
$\scriptstyle {\left.{\begin{matrix}\ \\\\\ \ \end{matrix}}\right\}\,}$A wild, unhandy, ragged Peble-stone,
Which crushing Sculk athwart the Shoulder-bone,
Scarce left him a Reprieve to fetch a Groan.
His Son black Carrotscoop at Bogrill's Groin
Enrag'd took aim, nor mist of his Design.
No sooner the Disaster Wamble knew,
But to the Water parrying he withdrew,
While Carrotscroop prest on, 'till Wamble reels
Into the Ditch, and pulls him in by th' Heels.
Immerst their Blows the hardy Champions ply,
And Stripes of Crimson the Mæotis dye,
'Till truss'd along the Margin of the Flood
Lay Wamble, and the Mousling in the Mud.

So when young Spaniel sent by clam'rous Boys
A rough Athenian Fowl in Pond annoys,
The Philosophick Bird with Beak and Claw
Returns his keen Salutes of Tooth and Paw.
Now yelping Pups prevails, now hooting Madge,
And Plumes and curling Locks bestrow the liquid Stage.

Poppin at further distance from the Brook,
Assail'd sage Butterbeard and Pris'ner took.
Sleek Gobbletart engag'd stout Specklebum,
But Speckle left his Shield and off he swum.
Morasse discharg'd a Slat, and with the stroak
Mump's Neck most diomedicaly broke.
From both his Nostrils mucous Brain distill'd,
And blended with black Gore enrich'd the barren Field.
Wallow from Tallowlick receiv'd a Wound,
The Pike o'rturning fix him to the Ground.
On Egdrain then disturb'd Treadwavio flew,
Tripp'd up his Heels, and into Puddle drew,
There by main Strength he held the Pilf'rer down,
Insulting thus, Drown, rav'nous Monster, drown:
Since you're so good at sucking, call me Fool
If I don't give you now your Belly-full,
And dows'd him headlong down to Phlegeton.
But Pypick, now his dearest Friends were gone,
Driv'n by Revenge and rash Despair along,
As when Convulsions make a Patient strong,
$\scriptstyle {\left.{\begin{matrix}\ \\\\\ \ \end{matrix}}\right\}\,}$Up to majestick Ambergillo made,
In the proud Croaker sheath'd his wreathing Blade,
And forc'd him through th' Infernal Mote to wade.
Soon as Codrillo the Disaster 'spy'd,
Grasping soft Clay and something soft beside,
The mellow Shot on Pypick he conferr'd,
Bung'd up his Eyes, and damnify'd his Beard.
Transported by fresh Injuries the King
Grop'd out a Stone, and with a veh'ment Spring
Against Codrillo sent, a rocky Stone,
Fit for a Pigmy-Leader to have thrown.
Codrillo's Ankles felt the batt'ring Mass,
And groaning hoarse he dropt into the Grass.
Duke Dabble brook'd not this unnat'ral Deed,
But fiercely brandishing his pointed Reed,
Inch-deep into the Cawl his Highness struck,
And with the Lance drew out Imperial Pluck.
Grave Brewis on a verdant Ridge reclin'd
To sooth his Wounds, felt greater in his Mind.
$\scriptstyle {\left.{\begin{matrix}\ \\\\\ \ \end{matrix}}\right\}\,}$The mangled Monarch much his Sight offends,
And rather than be butcher'd like his Friends,
Into the Dike he chearfully descends.
$\scriptstyle {\left.{\begin{matrix}\ \\\\\ \ \end{matrix}}\right\}\,}$Old Snapcrust, as gay Bogrill vaunting stood,
Wounded his Foot: The Boaster saw the Blood,
Perceiv'd the Smart, and took in hast the Flood.
Snapcrust precipitantly to pursue
Th' unfinish'd Work of Death e'en stept in too.
Stern Didap, when he saw the King distrest,
Through the wild Tumult of the Battle prest,
And tost his taper Weapon, though in vain;
The sounding Target sent it back again.
But none of the Pypickians might compare
For Backsword or Sasa with Scamblefare,
Undaunted Scamblefare the dear Delight
Of surly Mars, and Son to Gristlebite.
Boasting he stemm'd the War's impetuous Tide,
Prevailing more than all the Mice beside.
On the rais'd Bank he struts: Thence threat'ning lowd
Portends Excision to the croaking Crowd:
And had much more than menac'd (for his Word
Was ne'r too big or little for his Sword)
But Heav'n's grand Sov'reign saw the coming Stroak,
And melting into Pitty Silence broke,
With solemn Nod: See there, ye Gods, see there
Th' attempts of bloody-minded Scamblefare!
Minerva—Mars—stoop with a rapid Flight,
And drive the fell Insulter from the Fight!
$\scriptstyle {\left.{\begin{matrix}\ \\\\\ \ \end{matrix}}\right\}\,}$Thus Jove: To whom the God of Arms, Not I,
Nor She, nor all our Peers throughout the Sky
Can aid the Frogs: However we may try.
If our Joint-Pow'rs the Mischief cann't remove,
Still our Benignity we shall approve———
Or what if downward you a Bolt shou'd dart,
A sputt'ring Bolt forg'd with laborious Art?
Such as on Phlægra's execrable Plain
Besieg'd your vext Divinity did rain,
When the tall Brood which Earth's damp Caverns bore,
You riveted to Mountains whence their Arms they tore.
He say'd. The Son of Saturn rising hurl'd
A Lemnian Shaft, and stunn'd the upper World.
Down from the rocking Orbs the Tempest came,
Usher'd by Preludes of diffusive Flame.
At first both Armies fear: Yet this Device
Affrights not from Hostilities the Mice,
$\scriptstyle {\left.{\begin{matrix}\ \\\\\ \ \end{matrix}}\right\}\,}$The Froggish Name t' extinguish boldly bent,
But squeamish Jove averse to their Intent,
Puissant Succours to the Buff-coats lent.
Deform'd, ungainly, awkward, sideling Sholes,
Testaceous Tenants of the slimy Holes,
Waving four slender Feet on either side,
With jetty Claws and rocky Shoulders wide:
Their Backs in form of Snushbox-covers made,
And on their Chests Ebony Eyes inlaid,
Hight Crabs, whose worse than Cornish Gripes alarm
The Mice, and bite away Leg, Tail, and Arm.
Soon cool'd this grisly Pest their active Heat,
And in Disorder forc'd 'em to retreat.
Thus that Campaign which with the Day begun,
Clos'd at the late Immersion of the Sun.

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