Littell's Living Age/Volume 178/Issue 2301/The Function of Cats

A merciful Providence is metaphorically said to have made the back of the domestic cat exceeding broad, in exquisite adaptation to the moral load which that anatomical structure has to carry. We all know that most fires are due to cats. Cats are culpably careless in the use of matches. Even Messrs. Bryant and May have scarcely been able, by their excellent and ingenious invention, to correct the influences of feline rashness. It is a far too common thing for a cat, after lighting a cigar, to throw a wax vesta or a deadly fusee upon the carpet or the bare boards. These animals will leave candles in immediate proximity to curtains, and forget all about them in an exciting chase after mice that have as much right to live as themselves. A cat has been known to turn on the gas, and then, hearing a scratching behind the wainscot, to become absorbed for half an hour before applying the flame, with consequences which can be imagined, and, therefore, if Mr. Henry James will pardon us for saying so, need not be described. Cats, too, are addicted to the pernicious practice of smoking in bed, especially Persian cats, who cannot otherwise perform their allotted task of reading through the “Arabian Nights" twice a year. Now, as it is notorious that no cat will endure a cover to his pipe, we need not point out the great dangers we are in by this unhappy levity. But there is really no end to the responsibility of cats, who are without any sense of shame, and appear to be most imperfectly acquainted with the laws which govern the ignition of inflammable bodies. How many fires they cause in London from January to December, Captain Shaw alone knows. It is only necessary to mention their too familiar habit of saving themselves trouble by carrying hot coals in a shovel from one room to another; for on this occasion we may avoid the painful topic of the frauds which they too often perpetrate at the expense of insurance companies. When all these things are taken into consideration, we need not wonder, however deeply we may be grieved, at the number of fires whose origin is assigned in official reports to the agency of these noxious and ubiquitous quadrupeds. But we may venture to express our regret that Captain Shaw should have omitted all mention of them in the learned disquisition on fires which he has contributed to Murray’s Magazine for July. Cats are a powerful interest, and in the prevailing flabbiness of public opinion few have the moral courage to speak the truth about them.

Excellent is the spirit of Dr. Low, an officer of the Local Government Board, who merits the respect and gratitude of the whole community for having brought out the facts about cats without flinching. No cat, after the publication of Dr. Low’s memorandum, can shelter himself behind the miserable plea of ignorance from the duty of at once answering the charge that, whatever may be his recreations and amusements, his serious business in life is the spread of diphtheria. It is the more courageous in Dr. Low to state this because certain Irish-American cats are more than suspected of having attempted to blow up the premises of the Local Government Board with dynamite about five years ago. Undeterred by these lucid memories, Dr. Low charges into the ranks of our feline tyrants with desperate determination. He accuses them, not by insinuation or innuendo, but in plain and unmistakable terms, of having caused an epidemic of diphtheria at Ealing. The method in which this detestable plot was carried out is truly diabolical. A number of associated cats, whom Dr. Low, for obvious reasons, abstains from naming, conspired to eat the remnants of the food, and drink the remainder of the milk, which had been served to diphtheritic patients. Thus primed for their horrible work, they selected a number of healthy children, with whom they began to play. The children were particularly attentive to the cats, because the cats appeared to be unwell. Such is the lot of children, who never tease animals, though animals are constantly teasing them. We draw a veil over the sequel, merely remarking that Dr. Low, as becomes his high position, has no doubt that the children were infected in this precise way. The Standard treats the painful subject in a reprehensibly frivolous spirit, even suggesting that cabs, railway carriages, bank-notes, and library books are as bad as cats. The germs of infection are, it is to be feared, everywhere, and life would become impossible if we were always speculating on the chances of coming within the grasp of disease. Meanwhie it is desirable that criminal cats should be brought to justice, and that contaminated articles — edible, potable, or otherwise — should be destroyed.