Modern Manners
MODERN
MANNERS
By
Frederic J. Haskin
❦
Circulated by
THE ROANOKE TIMES
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THE HASKIN INFORMATION SERVICE
The questions about etiquette answered in this booklet have been received by the Haskin Information Bureau, some of them many times, from all parts of the United States. The replies have been tabulated in this form as a handy guide to good manners.
In preparing the answers the assistance of many well-known Washington and New York women was enlisted, and standard books about etiquette were consulted.
This is one of a large series of informative publications distributed through a list of leading American daily newspapers represented by Frederic J. Haskin.
Additional copies of this booklet may be had for ten cents each. Send coin carefully wrapped and be sure to write name and address plainly and state that you wish a copy of Modern Manners. Address
Frederic J. Haskin, Director,
INVITATIONS
Q. How is a formal invitation written?
A. All formal invitations, whether they are to be engraved or to be written by hand (and their acceptances and regrets) are invariably in the third person.
Q. Are invitations ever written on visiting cards?
A. Invitations to an informal dance, musical, bridge, tea, etc. are often written on visiting cards. The hostess writes across her ordinary visiting card
To meet Mrs. John Jones
Tuesday, January 10th,
Dancing at 10 o’clock
or
Wednesday, January 5th,
Bridge at 2 o’clock
R. S. V. P.
Q. In replying to a formal invitation to a tea or to a shower is it correct to use a visiting card?
A. It is quite correct to send a card in such a case. If you are accepting, you should write under your name, “Accepts with pleasure for Monday, April 9.” If you are declining the wording should be “Declines with regret for Monday, April 9.”
The answers are always formally worded.
Q. Should a formal acceptance of an invitation be dated?
A. It should not be dated. Be careful to include in the reply the time given to the invitation.
Q. Should the tissue paper that comes with engraved invitations be sent with the invitations to the guests?
A. Tissue paper should not be folded in with the invitations.
Q. Please give form of formal invitations for use at a Colonial party.
A. In the museum of the D. A. R. Continental Hall is a copper plate made in 1767 upon which an invitation to a dance is engraved. The form is: Mr. and Mrs. Blank—Present their Compliments—to Miss Doe—And ask the Favour—of Miss Doe’s Company—at a Dance—at the Town House—on Thursday at the Commencement.—N. B. This Admission to Be Delivered at the Door.
Q. Are invitations by telephone proper?
A. Yes, to informal affairs where the persons invited are friends. Some hostesses have telephone invitations rather formally made by servants, which may save embarrassment.
Q. Is it permissible to ask for an invitation to a social affair for a friend who has not been invited?
A. Only in case you have a house guest, and the hostess is a close friend and the affair a large one and not a dinner. In that event you may inquire whether your house guest may be brought to the party.
INTRODUCTIONS
Q. If one does not catch the name of the person to whom he is introduced is it all right to ask that the name be repeated?
A. It is correct merely to nod in acknowledgment and say, “I beg your pardon, I did not hear your name,” or one may say, “I’m sorry, but I did not hear the name.” Address yourself to the stranger when you wish the name repeated, and make your request simply, directly, and with calm dignity.
Q. If a lady is seated when she receives an introduction to a gentleman, should she rise?
A. When a man is introduced to a woman she remains seated if she prefers to do so. Some women regard it as more cordial to rise in this situation. If the man who is introduced is elderly, a young woman rises when he is presented.
Q. What is the correct form of introduction?
A. “Mrs. Smith, may I present Mr. John?” is one of the usual forms of introduction. A briefer form commonly used is, “Mrs. Jones, Mr. Black.” By accentuating the more important person’s name, it can be made as clear as though the words, “May I present” had been used. Never say, “Miss Jones meet Mr. Smith.”
Q. What should one say upon being introduced?
A. The simplest and always correct thing to say is, “How do you do!” “I am very glad to meet you,” or “I am delighted to meet you” may also be used. Never say, “Pleased to meet you.”
CARDS
Q. When is the double calling card used?
A. The “Mr.” or “Mrs.” cards are used for personal calls, the “Mr. and Mrs.” being used when sending flowers or gifts, or when declining a formal invitation.
Q. What do the letters P. P. C. mean when they appear on a visiting card?
A. The initials “P. P. C.” are an abbreviation of the French expression Pour prendre conge, meaning “To take leave.” It is used when making last-day visits before one starts on a long trip to some distant place. These letters are written in pencil or ink in one corner of an ordinary visiting card. Cards so inscribed are posted to, or left with, all friends and acquaintances, a day or two before starting on the voyage. No acknowledgment is necessary.
Q. Is the prefix “Mr.” ever omitted from a man’s calling card?
A. The prefix “Mr.” is omitted from a man’s business card, but never from his social calling card. The addition of “Sr.” or “Jr.” does not change this rule.
Q. Does a widow continue to use her husband’s name on her visiting cards?
A. In society a widow never uses her own name on her cards. She uses her husband’s name, for instance: “Mrs. William Greene Smith,” and not “Mrs. Mary Jane Smith.”
Q. Does a divorcee continue to use her husband’s name?
A. She uses her maiden name with her married surname. If her name was Elizabeth Jones and her married name is Green, her card should read “Mrs. Jones-Green.” If she prefers she may use her given name also, as “Mrs. Elizabeth Jones-Green.”
Q. Does an army officer have his title or rank on his visiting card?
A. The visiting card of a lieutenant should read as follows:
Mr. John William Smith
Lieutenant, United States Army.
There is no ironclad rule as to the position of “Lieutenant, United States Army,” but usually it is in the lower left-hand corner.
An officer of any rank above Lieutenant uses his title on his calling card in the following fashion:
Captain Baldwin Morrison Capen
United States Army.
Q. Is there any significance attached to turning down the corner of a visiting card?
A. Turning down a corner of a visiting card is by many intended to convey that the visit is Meant for all the ladies in the family. Others mean merely to show that the card was left in person. Still others turn it down from force of habit and mean nothing.
Q. When paying a call or attending a tea should a card be left for each feminine member of the family?
A. If there is a mother and a daughter, two cards should be left. If there is a mother and two daughters, or a hostess and two guests three cards should be left. Never more than three are left even though there is a mother and several daughters, as well as a guest.
Q. What is the correct size for visiting cards?
A. The card of a woman is usually from 2¾ to 3½ inches wide, by 2 to 2¾ inches deep, but there is no fixed rule. The card of a young girl is smaller and more nearly square in shape. It is usually about 2 inches deep by 2½ or 2⅝ inches long, depending upon the length of the name. A man’s card is long and narrow, fom 2⅞ to 3¼ inches long, and from 1¼ to 1⅝ inches deep.
Q. When making calls where should cards be left?
A. If a servant opens the door, he will doubtless have in his hand a card tray upon which the caller places his cards. In case a guest is received at the door by a member of the family, the caller places the cards on a table in the hall or drawing room.
Q. Will you please tell me whether or not it is good form to have “Miss” before one’s name in calling cards?
A. It is not only correct to use the title, “Miss,” on a visiting card by an unmarried woman, but the omission of the title is a social error.
Q. Does a woman, calling upon a married woman, leave a visiting card for the hostess’ husband?
A. She never leaves cards for the masculine members of a household upon which she calls.
CALLS
Q. Is it proper to telephone before calling?
A. Yes, on intimate friends whom a woman especially wants to see. A man usually telephones before calling, since a man pays very few courtesy calls and usually calls only when he wishes to see his hostess. In ’phoning to learn whether a woman is at home it is permissible to give the message to a servant, if one answers the phone, as this saves interrupting the woman who may have callers at the time, and the servant can return with the desired information.
Q. Does a phone message ever take the place of a call?
A. No, unless one is ill and wishes to apologize for not calling. Even then the call is still owing when one recovers.
Q. Should one apologize for staying longer than one intended when calling?
A. No. Remarks such as “I must be going,” or “I really didn’t mean to stay so long,” and the like are frequently possible of misinterpretation. Do not talk about leaving and then remain because your hostess says “Oh, don’t go.” Above all do not linger talking after you have risen to leave. Go promptly, and if you have some last minute thoughts, save them for another day. It is bad form to keep your hostess standing while you delay your leave taking.
Q. Are days “at home” still observed in the best society?
A. The custom has practically disappeared in New York and many other cities. In Washington, official circles have retained it. Elsewhere it has become a question of local custom.
Q. Is it polite to have a servant at the door say “not at home,” when one is actually at home but does not wish to see any callers?
A. This is correct. The term only means that one is not receiving. It is much better form to have this answer formally given at the door to all comers, than to have cards sent in and then send back word asking to be excused.
Q. Is it correct to leave cards without asking to be received, or to have one’s chauffeur leave cards?
A. It is an empty courtesy at best. Very busy women, especially those in official life, may well be excused for it. So many are now doing it that it probably has the sanction of custom.
Q. What calls must necessarily be actual visits rather than leaving of cards?
A. A visit to the sick should be a real visit if the invalid is able to see you. A card is hardly a cheering, thoughtful remembrance. Visits of condolence for a death in the family should be personal. Calls following the announcement of an engagement ought to be personal. The customs of calling are becoming so confused in the larger cities that the best rule is either to follow accepted local custom, or consider whether the occasion is one for which leaving a card is adequate or inadequate.
Q. Is it proper to call on newcomers in the neighborhood?
A. It is proper, and is done except in large cities. If the acquaintance proves not desirable, no second call need be made.
Q. When should one call on a bride?
A. As soon as convenient after her return from the honeymoon. The wedding announcements have probably stated when and where she will be at home.
Q. How long should a formal call last?
A. Fifteen or twenty minutes.
ENGAGEMENTS
Q. Should a young lady be congratulated upon her approaching marriage?
A. It is not considered to be in good form to congratulate a prospective bride. She is to receive one’s good wishes. The prospective bridegroom is congratulated. The bride-elect’s mother receives the kind wishes of her friends. The mother of the groom-elect receives kind wishes and congratulations. In speaking with a young woman who has recently been married, one offers her his wishes for great happiness. Her husband is congratulated.
Q. When a man is engaged to a girl, does each call the other “fiance”?
A. There are two forms of the word. Fiance is the masculine and fiancee the feminine form. They are both pronounced “fee-ahn-say.”
Q. When should an announcement of an engagement be made?
A. It should be made upon the day that the bride-elect chooses to wear her engagement ring for the first time publicly.
Q. Should a young man buy an engagement ring before proposing to a girl, so that he could present it at once?
A. It is in doubtful taste for a man to prepare for acceptance beforehand. A ring is provided before the announcement of the engagement.
Q. In case of a broken engagement, what becomes of the wedding presents?
A. They are usually returned to their donors.
Q. Is it customary for a young man to ask the parents of the young lady for their consent to his mariage to their daughter?
A. Formerly a young man who wished to propose marriage to a young woman asked the permission of her parents first. Now, however, he usually obtains the favorable answer of the young woman before speaking to her parents.
Q. I have broken my engagement; should I return all of the gifts given me by my former fiance?
A. When an engagement is broken all expensive gifts and all letters that have been exchanged between the two should be returned. The engagement ring should of course be returned.
Q. When a young man becomes engaged is it all right for him to tell his friends before it has been announced?
A. The announcement of an engagement should always come from the bride-to-be. A young man should not tell even his intimate friends until after the young lady has announced it either formally or informally to her friends.
WEDDINGS
Q. How long before the wedding should the invitations be sent out?
A. Wedding invitations are sent not later than fifteen days and not earlier than four weeks before the date set for the wedding.
Q. What is the usual form of wedding invitation?
A.
Mr. and Mrs. John S. Brown
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Mary Elizabeth
to
Mr. James William White
on Monday afternoon, October the fifth
at four o’clock
Saint Stephen’s Episcopal Church
New York
Q. When the bride is an orphan how should the wedding invitations be worded?
A. An orphan’s wedding invitations or announcements may be issued in the name of a bachelor brother of the bride-elect, a married brother and his wife jointly, or a married sister and her husband jointly, her grandparents, an uncle and aunt, or a guardian. If there are no relatives or no guardian the invitations should read as follows:
The pleasure of your company is
requested
at the marriage of
Miss Virginia Stone Fairfax
to
Mr. John J. Smith
on Monday, October Twelfth
at eight o’clock
at St. John’s Episcopal Church
New York
Q. Is it necessary to reply to a wedding invitation?
A. If the wedding invitation is to the church alone no reply is necessary. If, however, the invitation is accompanied by cards of invitation to a breakfast or reception following the ceremony, an immediate answer in writing—accepting or declining—should be sent.
Q. Are wedding presents ever sent to the groom instead of the bride?
A. All wedding presents are addressed to the bride, even though they are sent by friends of the groom. It is not customary to give a bridegroom a personal wedding present.
Q. Should one send a gift upon receipt of an invitation to a wedding?
A. While anyone who receives an invitation to a wedding may send a present, it is not necessary to do so. This is also true of a wedding announcement.
Q. The twenty-fifth wedding anniversary is called the Silver Wedding. What are some of the other wedding anniversaries which are given special names?
A. Some of the most generally celebrated wedding anniversaries are as follows:
Cotton Wedding—first year.
Paper Wedding—second year.
Wooden Wedding—fifth year.
Tin Wedding—tenth year.
Silk and Fine Linen Wedding—twelfth year.
Crystal Wedding—fifteenth year.
China Wedding—twentieth year.
Silver Wedding—twenty-fifth year.
Pearl Wedding—thirtieth year.
Ruby Wedding—fortieth year.
Golden Wedding—fiftieth year.
Diamond Wedding—seventy-fifth year.
Q. Please tell me the proper way to acknowledge a wedding announcement.
A. Announcement cards need no acknowledgment, although carefully courteous persons leave cards or call on the bride’s parents within two weeks after receiving the formal notification of the marriage. Not infrequently the friends of the newly wedded pair answer an announcement card by a brief note addressed to the bride or to the groom. This, of course, is usually done only when the friend lives at a distance.
Q. What is the proper procedure of a best man in regard to the handling of the wedding ring?
A. The best man carries in his right-hand waistcoat pocket the wedding ring and in his left-hand pocket the fee for the clergyman. He joins the groom in the room set aside for their use and walks with him to the spot where the marriage is to take place. The best man stands one pace behind the bridegroom. Anticipating the moment that the ring is to come into requisition he advances and places it in his friend’s hand. At the conclusion of the ceremony the best man procures the groom’s hat and gloves for him and slips the envelope containing the fee into the clergyman’s hand.
Q. If a toast is proposed does the person who is toasted drink from his glass?
A. The person who is toasted does not drink the toast.
Q. Does a woman precede or follow her escort down a receiving line?
A. A woman is received first.
Q. Upon which finger does a man wear a wedding ring, when the double ring ceremony is used?
A. A man wears a wedding ring, as a woman does, on the finger next to the little finger of the left hand.
Q. Should the engagement ring or the wedding ring go on the finger first?
A. The engagement ring is worn over the wedding ring.
Q. When wedding gifts are displayed should cards be attached?
A. The cards should always be removed before the wedding gifts are placed on display. The bride-elect or some member of her family should make a list of the gifts with the names of the persons sending them before removing the cards. This is to enable the bride to acknowledge them. Of course, if possible, it is better to write notes of thanks as the gifts are received.
Q. Is it necessary always to write notes of thanks for wedding gifts received?
A. In no circumstances should a bride thank friends for wedding gifts by telephone or in person. A personal note should be sent promptly upon receipt of each gift.
Q. Should one congratulate a bride?
A. No, the groom should be congratulated, and felicitations offered the bride.
Q. What is the usual order of the bridal procession?
A. The following arrangement is frequently used: The ushers walk slowly down the aisle two by two. The bridesmaids follow in the same manner, the maid of honor comes next alone, followed by the bride on the arm of her father. If she has no father, or other male relative to accompany her down the aisle, she may enter alone or with her mother.
CHRISTENINGS
Q. Does a girl baby have as many godmothers as a boy baby?
A. A girl baby has two godmothers and one godfather, while a boy baby has one godmother and two godfathers. These are selected from among the most intimate friends of the parents.
Q. What are the duties of a godparent?
A. The duties of a godparent are not many. He promises to befriend the child always and advise it at any time he is called upon; at the christening he gives the baby a gift, usually a silver mug, a knife, fork, and spoon, some suitable piece of jewelry, or a check to start a bank account.
Q. When one is invited to a christening is it necessary to take a gift for the baby?
A. Each person who is invited to the christening is expected to remember the infant with a gift of some sort.
Q. Who holds a baby during the christening service?
A. Usually one of the godmothers.
Q. Is the priest or rector given a fee for the christening?
A. It is customary, according to the means of the parents. None is absolutely required.
Q. Does an invitation to a christening require a call later?
A. Not necessarily.
Q. Who should be invited to a christening?
A. The list should be small, chiefly close relatives and friends who might be expected to have a deep interest in your child.
Q. May a christening be held at home?
A. Yes, unless your church rules require it to be held in a sacred edifice.
FUNERALS
Q. Is a member of a bereaved family expected to receive friends or acquaintances who are making calls of condolence?
A. Usually a close friend or a relative of the family receives persons calling to extend their sympathy. Of course in the case of a very intimate friend, the family may wish to see him. However, this is always left to the decision of the family, as no one should intrude at such a time.
Q What order of precedence should be followed in a funeral procession?
A. The pallbearers always precede the casket. In case the deceased is a child, the mother and father walk arm in arm, with the other children following. A widow follows the body of her husband on the arm of her eldest son or with a daughter, with her other children following. The deceased man’s parents come next, followed by his brothers and sisters. This same rule is followed in the case of a widower following the body of his wife. If there are no children, the widow follows her husband on the arm of a brother or other near masculine relative.
Q. Do friends of the deceased who are asked to act as pallbearers actually carry the coffin?
A. It is not now usual for the pallbearers to carry the coffin. This is done by the undertaker’s assistants who are trained for this service and thus obviate any possibility of stumbling or otherwise making this solemn rite appear awkward.
Q. Should a house be set in routine order immediately after the funeral service?
A. A close friend or relative usually remains at the house after the funeral services and removes all traces of the funeral. The flowers are taken off the door, the furniture is placed in its normal position, the shades are raised and everything made as cheerful as possible. The same person as a rule makes preparations for the following meal.
Q. Is it customary to give a clergyman a fee for conducting a funeral service?
A. A Protestant clergyman does not expect a fee but if offered one he may accept it with perfect propriety. It is customary to give a Catholic priest an offering for saying a funeral mass, but there is no fixed rule as to the amount. This depends upon the circumstances of the bereaved family.
Q. Is it necessary to wear black when attending a funeral?
A. All members of the family wear black, and other persons attending dress in black if possible; otherwise any dark color may be used. It is never good taste to wear bright or conspicuous colors at such a time.
Q. Do children go in mourning for the death of a parent?
A. Children should never wear black. They may be dressed in white, and a girl of 15 or 16 may wear such colors as gray or lavender as well as white, but never black.
Q. Is it proper to send engraved cards acknowledging messages of condolence or flowers sent upon the death of a relative?
A. Such cards should never be sent to intimate friends or to those who have sent flowers or written personal notes.
Q. After a death in the family, should the calls of sympathy be returned?
A. Such calls are not returned since the family is in mourning and is not making social visits.
Q. What sort of mourning does a young married woman wear for a father, brother or a child?
A. A married woman wears for such mourning, the same sort of dress that she wears in case of widowhood with the exception of the white bonnet ruche. Many women of excellent taste simply wear black clothes, having given up funeral crepe.
Q. How long should a wedding ring be worn after the husband has died?
A. A widow continues to wear the wedding ring during her lifetime unless she becomes engaged to marry a second time. Following the announcement of her engagement, she ceases to wear her first wedding ring.
Q. How are flowers addressed when sent to a funeral?
A. They are addressed to the deceased.
AT THE TABLE
Q. What are the general rules for laying or setting a table properly?
A. First cover the table with a silence cloth or table padding, thin white blanket or heavy cotton flannel, or an asbestos pad made specially to fit the table.
The tablecloth should be large enough to fall from ten to twelve inches below the edge of the table. The center of the cloth should be exactly in the center of the table.
The knife and fork are placed one inch from the edge of the table, knife at the right with the sharp edge toward the plate; fork at the left, tines turned up. The other pieces of silver are parallel with these, and placed with the piece to be used first farthest from the plate. The knives, oyster fork, and spoons are at the right and the other forks at the left.
The glass is placed at the tip of the knife.
The butter plate is placed at the tip of the fork, and a little to the left.
The napkin is placed at the left of the forks with the folds at the upper and left hand sides.
Q. Please give me general rules for serving dinner.
A. The guests are served first.
Place and remove from the left.
Pass to left.
Everything relating to a course should be removed at the end of that course.
Folded napkin and a small tray should be used in serving.
Fill glasses three-quarters full just before the meal is announced.
Used dishes should be removed first, then food, next clean dishes, etc.
The guests stand behind or beside their chairs and are seated from the left when the hostess gives the signal.
Q. What is a “cover”?
A. This term applies to the table furniture for one person.
Q. Where is the head of the table?
A. The place occupied by the mistress of the house is so regarded.
Q. Is the dinner napkin entirely unfolded and laid across the lap?
A. No. One fold is left in the napkin.
Q. In what sequence are forks and knives placed?
A. The salad fork is placed next to the plate. Secondly comes the meat fork; then fish fork. Next to the plate, to the right, is the meat knife; adjoining it is the one for fish. Besides these lie soup spoon, oyster fork, or fruit spoon.
Q. What position does the salad plate occupy?
A. It is placed to the right of the diner.
Q. When one is not using a knife, in which hand is the fork held?
A. In the right.
Q. How should guests be seated at table?
A. At a formal dinner, the lady of honor sits at the right of the host and the one next in importance at his left. At right and left of the hostess sit the two most important men guests. Others are arranged according to their congeniality.
Q. Are individual salt-cellars and pepper-boxes used on tables at which formal dinners are served?
A. Authorities differ. It is customary now in many homes for sets of large salt-cellars and pepper-boxes to be placed near the four corners of the table.
Q. Is it appropriate to use candles on a luncheon table?
A. As a general rule, good form does not permit their use in such circumstances. Where artificial light is required because of poor lighting from windows, candles may be used.
Q. Is it correct to use a bread and butter plate at dinner?
A. No. There is no need of one, since butter is not served.
Q. When are bread and butter plates used?
A. At breakfast and luncheon.
Q. Is it permissible for a diner to pass a dish at an informal dinner?
A. If it is so informal that there is no servant to wait on the table, then of course it is permissible. In ordinary circumstances, however, it is not done.
Q. When a servant errs, the hostess sometimes feels that she must let her guests know that she sees that a mistake has been made. How can this be indicated?
A. It must not be indicated to anyone except the servant, and then only if directions are needed. These can be given in an unobtrusive way and in a manner that is kindly.
Q. May one ever lay a piece of bread on the table to butter it?
A. Bread must be broken into small pieces which are held between the fingers while being buttered.
Q. Is a croquette cut with a knife?
A. No. The fork is used to break it. With the tines up, the fork is then used to convey a piece to the mouth.
Q. When a servant offers a second glass of a beverage to one who does not wish to have it, what should one say?
A. “No, thank you.”
Q. Is a knife ever used to remove baked potato from the skin?
A. The fork must be used. Even the butter is conveyed to the potato with the fork.
Q. How are artichokes eaten?
A. Hold the leaf in the fingers. Dip in the sauce the end which is to be eaten, and with the fingers convey the leaf to the mouth. A fork is used to cut the heart and eat it.
Q. What are some of the so-called finger-foods?
A. Bread, crackers, olives, celery, radishes, salted nuts, candy, corn on the cob, and raw fruits are called finger-foods. Peaches and apples may also be pared, and eaten with the fingers. The best way to prepare a peach is to cut it into four parts, and then pare and etc. Grapes, plums, cherries, etc. are eaten and the seed and skin removed with the fingers.
Q. How is asparagus eaten?
A. Authorities generally agree that it is best to cut the stalks in half with a fork and eat the tips as one eats any fork food.
Q. May one place a folded napkin under asparagus, in order that the moisture in the dish can be absorbed?
A. This is occasionally done. It is a wise precaution.
Q. Having finished eating, where should one place the knife and fork?
A. To the right of the center of the plate, with handles toward the right.
Q. How long have knives been placed on the dining table?
A. Early in the sixteenth century this custom was established.
Q. When were forks introduced into England?
A. Forks were introduced from Italy during the reign of King James I.
Q. Should a hostess wait an indefinite time for all the guests to arrive for dinner?
A. It is customary to wait until fifteen or twenty minutes after the time mentioned in the invitations. Then, even though there are one or two guests who have not yet arrived, dinner should be served. If, however, the dinner is being given in honor of some celebrated guest, it may not be served until he has arrived.
Q. Is it polite to take bread with the fork, or with the fingers?
A. In no circumstances is it ever permissible to lift bread with a fork.
Q. Should pickles be eaten with the fingers, or cut into pieces and eaten with a fork?
A. Small pickles are eaten with the fingers.
Q. Should luncheon or dinner guests fold their napkins when they have finished eating?
A. Guests should not fold their napkins when finishing a meal unless they are to pay a visit of several days, when they follow the example of their host and hostess.
Q. Will you kindly tell me which is correct after having finished a meal, to leave the fork in an upright position or turn it over, on the plate?
A. At the conclusion of a meal a knife and fork are left on the plate slightly to the right of the center with the prongs of the fork turned upward.
Q. Should bread be folded in a napkin at a formal dinner?
A. No; this is no longer considered good form.
Q. In seating guests at dinner, should the husbands and wives and engaged couples be separated?
A. It is customary to separate married couples but to allow an engaged man to take in his fiancee.
Q. Was there ever a time when it was considered proper to eat with a knife?
A. The table knife became popular after the seventeenth century. During the period of transition from fingers to forks, knives were used for eating as well as for cutting.
Q. When a person helps himself from a service dish which is accompanied by a fork and spoon, which implement is taken in the right hand?
A. The fork is held in the right hand and the spoon in the left.
Q. How should a drinking glass and a coffee cup be held?
A. A drinking glass is held a little below the center between the thumb and first two fingers. The handle of a coffee cup is grasped by the thumb and first two fingers, the third and fourth being bent toward the palm.
Q. Who introduced into America the use of finger-bowls?
A. Thomas Jefferson introduced the use of fingers, bowls, and a number of other customs that he had observed in Europe.
Q. To settle an argument, will you tell me the correct way in which to eat peas. One person says they are always eaten with a spoon, another that a fork should be used, while a third says they may be eaten with either a spoon or fork.
A. It is customary to eat vegetables with a fork. This applies in the case of peas.
Q. What kind of sandwiches should be eaten with the fingers?
A. Most sandwiches are held in the fingers. In the case of a club sandwich or a large chicken sandwich a fork is used and a knife is also employed if necessary.
Q. Should hard cheese and pickles be eaten with the fingers or a fork?
A. Hard cheese is eaten with the fingers. Small whole pickles may be eaten with the fingers. Mixed pickles are usually eaten with a fork.
Q. Is it proper to drink consomme from a cup or to use a spoon?
A. It is proper to use the spoon for the first few spoonfuls of consomme. One may continue to use the spoon or may lift the cup and sip its contents.
Q. Should a fork be held with prongs up or down when eating vegetables?
A. When eating meat one should hold the fork with the prongs down. Vegetables should be conveyed to the mouth on the fork, the prongs of which are up.
Q. Is it proper to thank a maid when she passes food to you at a dinner?
A. It is not necessary to thank a maid for such service.
Q. At what hour of the day is it proper to serve a buffet meal?
A. A buffet breakfast may be served at noon, a luncheon at one or two o’clock, a supper at any time in the evening, or this kind of service may be used for an afternoon or evening reception.
Q. Is it proper to drink a thick soup from a bouillon cup?
A. Heavy cream soup is frequently served in a bouillon cup. Whether or not it is correct to sip this variety of soup direct from the cup appears to be a controversial question. One sees many people who carefully observe the rules for good form sipping cream soup in this way. The first two or three sips should be taken with the bouillon spoon.
Q. Are you supposed to push your chair under the table when leaving the table?
A. Most authorities suggest that it is in better taste to leave one’s chair where it is when one rises from the table.
Q. How should dishes of canned fruit be eaten?
A. Canned fruit served in a side dish should be eaten with a fork. If the fruit is served as a dessert, a spoon is used.
Q. I notice that people abroad use their forks in a different way from ours. Should Americans conform to their custom when traveling?
A. From the standpoint of a foreigner, most Americans appear to a disadvantage while traveling abroad because of the fact that the Americans either observe their custom of changing the fork from the left to the right hand, or they conform to the European custom. Because of lack of training, it is difficult for an American to use his fork with the left hand. The result is that he appears awkward. Each traveler has to determine for himself from which standpoint he least objects to appearing awkward.
Q. Please settle this question for me. In placing the guests at a dinner party, at which all of the guests are “coupled off,” should the lady be placed on the gentleman’s left or right?
A. A woman is seated at the table at the right of the man who takes her to dinner.
ON THE STREET
Q. When meeting a friend on the street is it proper to stop to chat?
A. No, one should not stand in the middle of the sidewalk and talk, thus blocking the way for other pedestrians. He should walk slowly with the friend with whom he wishes to chat.
Q. Will you kindly settle a point of etiquette? In meeting, or passing in the street, should the younger woman salute the elder, or vice versa?
A. When two women pass on the street, it is proper for the younger woman to wait until the elder woman greets her before speaking. The greeting is practically simultaneous, but in actual fact it is the elder woman’s place to speak first.
Q. When leaving a street car or bus does a man precede or follow a woman?
A. A man should always go out first when leaving a street car or bus, in order to offer assistance to his companion in alighting.
Q. I have sometimes noticed a man holding a cigar in his mouth while he is talking with a woman. Isn’t this considered very rude?
A. It is an outstanding mark of rudeness for a man to smoke a cigaret or a cigar when he is standing talking with a woman.
Q. Where should a woman sit in a motor or carriage having a driver? That is, is there any rule as to which side she should sit on?
A. According to European etiquette, whether it is a private carriage, a car, or a taxi, a woman must never sit on a man’s left. This is the rule because in Europe a woman “on the left” is not a “lady.” This etiquette, however, is not observed in America and usually the woman takes the far seat upon entering a taxicab or private car. This eliminates the necessity of the man’s stepping in front of her.
Q. Is it customary nowadays for a woman to take the arm of a man when walking down the street?
A. To an old lady or to an invalid a man offers his arm. Otherwise a woman no longer takes a man’s arm in the daytime unless to cross a very crowded thoroughfare, or to be helped over a rough piece of road, or in other impeding circumstances. It is never good form for a man to take a woman’s arm.
Q. When a man and woman meet on the street which should speak first?
A. Etiquette demands that a woman speak first when meeting a man. This is in order that an undesirable acquaintanceship need not be continued. However, between very close friends this rule is ignored, since it is often the case that the woman does not see the man or perhaps does not recognize him immediately when meeting in a crowd.
Q. When a man is walking down the street with two women, does he walk between them?
A. No; when walking with two women, he walks on the outside and the women on the inside of the street.
Q. If a man meets a woman acquaintance as they are both about to take a street car or bus, should he pay her fare?
A. This is not necessary but is very often done.
Q. When did people stop bowing when meeting on the street?
A. Many people still incline the head slightly when speaking to acquaintances on the street. The deep bow or curtsy of women and the waist-deep bend of men had been modified to a great extent by 1860.
Q. When does a man lift his hat to other men?
A. In recognizing clergymen or distinguished or elderly men of his acquaintance.
Q. Is a chauffeur employed by a private family supposed to speak to his own friends when driving for his employer?
A. A chauffeur employed by a private family does not greet friends while he is driving for his employer.
Q. Is it correct for a gentleman to assist a lady by carrying her wraps, or any packages that she happens to have?
A. It is correct for a man to carry a woman’s wraps or packages. It is, however, not necessary for him to do so, and some women prefer to carry their own.
Q. Why is a man supposed to remove his hat in the present of a lady?
A. The origin of this custom has not been established. Some authorities attribute it to a medieval custom which required that a knight lift his visor in the presence of a lady.
Q. When a person inadvertently jars against another should he say “Pardon me” or “Excuse me”?
A. “Pardon me” is not good form. He may say “Excuse me,” “I beg your pardon,” or “Sorry!”
AT THE THEATER
Q. When entertaining a theater party should the seats be in a box?
A. The most fashionable New Yorkers rarely occupy boxes at the theater, except at the opera. This is due to the fact that the best seats in the theater are those in the center of the orchestra.
Q. Is it considered fashionable to arrive late at the theater?
A. It is very bad form to arrive late for any public entertainment. If it is unavoidable, one should wait in the rear of the theater or auditorium until the first intermission, or until under cover of applause he may take his seat without inconveniencing those seated near him.
Q. Does a man precede a woman when going down a theater aisle?
A. This depends upon whether the usher takes the checks at the head of the aisle. If this is the case, the woman goes first. If the couple starts down the aisle to meet the usher, the man goes first and hands the checks to the usher. He then stands aside while the woman takes her place, and then takes his.
Q. When a man is obliged to pass a woman when taking his seat in the theater, should he face her or pass with his back to her?
A. A person crossing in front of another when taking his seat should always face the front of the theater. This method seems to cause the least inconvenience to those already seated.
Q. Is it all right to talk until the curtain rises or should one stop when the orchestra begins the overture?
A. It is both inconsiderate and bad form to talk after the orchestra begins the overture. Even though you do not care for the music yourself, there may be others around you who do enjoy it. This is particularly true in motion picture theaters which specialize in orchestral renditions.
Q. Is it all right to powder one’s nose when in the theater or in a cafe?
A. While this is very generally done, particularly by the younger set, it is not in good taste. It is especially bad form for a person with bobbed hair to take out a comb after removing her hat and arrange her hair.
Q. What should one say if annoyed by people talking or humming during a theatrical performance?
A. One of the most annoying things that can happen is to sit near someone at the theater who talks during the performance or sings or hums while a professional singer is rendering a song. It is perfectly permissible to turn and ask the person to stop, and if this is not effective an usher may be called.
Q. When should a woman remove her hat at the theater?
A. It is permissible to wear one’s hat until just before the curtain rises, but it may be removed sooner. At motion picture theaters where the performance is continuous many thoughtful women remove their hats even before reaching their seats.
Q. Are opera glasses considered stylish?
A. It is not a question of style, but of usefulness. Opera glasses are to help the spectator get a clearer view of the performers. It is not good form to use them between acts to stare at persons in the audience.
Q. Is evening dress necessary at the theater?
A. For men evening dress is always proper at the theater, and is required at box parties or formal parties. Also at the opera. For women full evening dress is correct at a box party, semi-evening dress at a formal theater party. Dinners, suppers, dances, or other events before or after the performance may determine the costume. Formal dress is not out of place at the theater, but modern custom does not require it for informal attendance.
Q. Should flowers be presented to an actor or actress one admires, and if so should they be sent to the stage?
A. Actors and actresses are no different from other people except as their work is for the entertainment of the public. Admiration for their work does not entitle one to their personal acquaintance. If flowers are sent to them by a stranger as a tribute to their work, they may be presented by an usher during the applause at the close of an act, but the gift does not call for any personal acknowledgment. Ordinarily such gifts are made only by personal friends of the performer.
Q. Is it customary to tip ushers?
A. Not in this country. It is a European custom.
Q. Should hats and coats be checked at the theater?
A. Suit your own convenience. Coats will be less likely to be wrinkled if checked, and in wet weather it is often a great convenience. Unless a check room is very well managed there is sometimes delay in recovering wraps after the performance. Tipping check room employees is not necessary, but a small tip is often given.
Q. How should guests at a theater party of four or more persons be seated? Who arranges the seating and when?
A. The hostess should have the seating arrangement in mind, and suggest it to her guests as they take their seats. If they file into a row of seats she may say, “Mr. Blank, you will go first? And Mrs. Thus? And Mr. So?” She will take her own place in turn and probably the host will come last.
In parties of four persons, two men and two women, the men ordinarily occupy the outside seats, with the women between them, the hostess next to the male guest, the woman guest next to the host. If the seats are toward the side of the theater, where there is a preference as to view, the host may go in first, thus taking the least attractive seat. Every effort should be made to engage seats early so that they will all be well placed.
In parties of more than four, if there is a guest of honor, he or she would be seated next the hostess or host. Others should be placed with regard to the fact that conversation betwen acts is more or less limited to one’s next neighbor, and congenial persons should be placed together. Such parties often “pair off” naturally, but the hostess will do well to have a seating plan in mind and not trust to luck. Upon reaching the seats there is always a moment of hesitation, at which time her suggestions will be accepted naturally and gracefully. Host and hostess should not be together, but placed most effectively to help make and keep the guests at ease.
Q. Should the hostess at a theater party provide transportation for the guests?
A. If going by street car, the host should pay all the fares. After the performance, if there is no supper or dance, the hostess should make sure that every woman guest has a proper escort to her home. If going by auto and one’s guests include friends who have extra space in their cars, it is perfectly permissible to suggest that these guests take others in their cars. Arrangements for taking each guest home should be assured.
AT THE MOVIES
Q. Are the first comers at a motion picture theater entitled to aisle seats?
A. If the seats are not reserved, first comers are entitled to take their choice of vacant seats. As a matter of courtesy they should take seats where it will not be necessary for later arrivals to pass in front of them.
Q. Are there any rules of etiquette about the time of arrival or departure at motion picture theaters?
A. The exact time of starting feature films may be learned from the newspapers or by phone from the theater, and arrival may be timed accordingly. Many theaters will not seat patrons during the showing of a picture. Departure should be at the close of a picture. The other patrons are entitled to the courtesy of an uninterrupted view of the picture.
Q. Is talking permitted at a motion picture?
A. No more than at the spoken drama. Above all do not read the title aloud, nor converse with a companion about “how it comes out.” These actions often completely spoil the entertainment for others. Humming the tunes as the orchestra plays is another bad habit sometimes carelessly indulged in.
Q. Is applause permitted at motion pictures?
A. Yes. Natural applause adds to the realism of the play. It also informs the management of the success of the entertainment, and is a guide to selection of offerings in future. The actors cannot hear it, but they learn through the theaters which parts are applauded, and it is a help in their future productions.
Q. Is it good form to write to motion picture actors or actresses?
A. It is perfectly proper to write to them compliments or suggestions about their plays, or to ask for a photograph or autograph. It is not good form to write in a personal vein, or ask personal questions, or attempt to start a correspondence. A good rule is to write to actors or actresses nothing different from what you would wish to receive or to have your sister or brother receive.
Q. Is evening dress proper at a motion picture theater?
A. Formal dress is not required at the movies. It is not out of place however in the evening, but elaborate jewels or striking dress should be avoided.
Q. Should a person change to a better seat during a picture show?
A. Moving to a better seat is customary between films. The ushers will help you find a seat in the part of the theater where you can see best. Moving during the showing of a film without the assistance of an usher is disturbing to many of the patrons.
IN A RESTAURANT OR HOTEL
Q. On entering a cafe does the woman precede the man?
A. If there is a waiter to assign the table, the woman follows the waiter. If not, the man goes first and chooses the table.
Q. When entering a cafe does a woman take the first chair pulled out by the waiter?
A. When a woman is dining alone with a man she should take the first chair offered by the waiter. If there is a party the host or hostess usually indicates seats for the guests.
Q. When dining with a man does a woman give her order direct to the waiter?
A. No, the woman tells her escort of her preference and he in turn gives the order to the waiter.
Q. Is it correct in any circumstances to put one’s elbows on the table?
A. It is permissible in a public restaurant, particularly where the music makes conversation difficult, to rest one’s elbows on the table when leaning over to speak to one’s table companion. Elbows are never put on the table while eating.
Q. When dining in a cafe if food is brought in individual dishes is it correct to place dishes in one’s plate and eat directly from them?
A. When food is served in such dishes it should be eaten directly from them. The dishes should remain on the table approximately where they have been placed by the waiter. In no circumstances should a dish be placed on the plate.
Q. Just what is the proper position of one’s left hand during a meal when it is not being used? Should it rest in the lap or lightly on the edge of the table? Also what is the proper position of both hands when waiting for a course to be served?
A. When at table the left hand remains in the lap if one is not using it to hold his fork. When waiting for a course to be served both hands should rest in the lap. This rule is not strictly observed when one is in a cafe or restaurant.
Q. Should meat be cut into small pieces on one’s plate or should it be cut only a mouthful at a time?
A. It is never correct to prepare one’s food as if for a child. Only one mouthful is cut at one time.
Q. In an hotel if one drops a knife or fork while eating should he pick it up?
A. If a person drops a knife or any part of the table service, he should not pick it up. He should leave it on the floor and ask the waiter to replace it.
Q. Should a woman wear a hat to the dining room when she is a house guest of the hotel?
A. This is optional, but it is customary to wear a hat to the dining room when a guest at a large hotel. This is true even if one is a permanent guest.
Q. So often French words appear on the menu. Would you please tell me some of the most usual, and their meaning?
A. The following are some of the French words or phrases which are most frequently used on menus:
- A la carte—according to the bill-of-fare.
- A la mode—according to the mode or fashion.
- Bouillon—a clear broth.
- Entree—broiled or fried meat with vegetable, served before the roast.
- Filets mignon—small pieces of beef tenderloin, served with sauce.
- Hors d’oeuvre—appetizers such as caviar served as a special course.
- Piece de resistance—most substantial course of a dinner.
- Table d’hote—a course meal at a fixed price ready to serve, as distinguished from a la carte service.
Q. When registering at an hotel should one use the titles Mr. and Mrs.?
A. It is considered bad form for a woman to sign her name on the register without any prefix. An unmarried woman should sign, “Miss Jane Smith, Covington, Virginia,” and a man, “Paul Jordan, Topeka, Kansas.” Even a small boy should be registered. His name should read, “Master John Small, Shelbina, Mo.” “Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Jones, Emerson, Kentucky,” is proper for a man accompanied by his wife.
Q. When dining in a public restaurant, or attending a formal luncheon, is it permissible to remove the hands of long gloves and tuck them in at the wrists?
A. Gloves should be removed entirely, because they have an awkward appearance when tucked in at the wrists, and anything ugly or awkward is to be avoided.
Q. How can one keep a napkin from slipping off one’s lap when wearing a satin dress, or one of some other slippery material?
A. About the only way this can be accomplished is by tucking one or both ends of the napkin under one like a lap robe.
Q. I have seen people chew ice cream. Is this permissible?
A. Chewing ice cream is neither necessary nor is it good form.
Q. Is it correct to put crackers into soup?
A. Crackers are never put into soup. Croutons are used in this way, however.
Q. I have noticed some people take a heaping teaspoonful of ice cream and make several mouthfuls of it. Is this not incorrect?
A. Only enough ice cream for one mouthful should be taken on the spoon at one time.
Q. Is it proper for women to smoke in public?
A. In most restaurants and cafes women smoke if they so desire. However, one should always be considerate of the rest of the party and, if it is objectionable to them, should refrain. There are a few tea rooms and such places where the management requests that women not smoke. A woman should never smoke in a public place if by so doing she makes herself conspicuous.
Q. Is it improper to eat the lettuce upon which a salad is served?
A. Inclination may guide a person. The lettuce may be eaten if one chooses.
Q. Does a woman usually have any difficulty in getting rooms at an hotel if she is unaccompanied?
A. It is sometimes difficult and embarrassing, therefore it is always better for a woman to write or telegraph to the hotel and engage rooms in advance. It is also better not to arrive late at night.
Q. Is there a right and a wrong way to offer a tip to an hotel chambermaid?
A. A recent article on hotel etiquette says that the most tactful way is to offer the money in an envelope.
Q. How should a club sandwich be eaten?
A. A club sandwich is eaten with a fork after the toast and other ingredients have been broken. In doing this one uses a knife and fork.
TRAVEL
Q. Should a woman allow a man not a relative to pay for her meals on a train?
A. A woman travelling alone may properly accept the invitation of a male acquaintance for one meal in the diner. If the trip extends long enough for more meals en route, she should not take additional meals with him, or if she allows him to accompany her, she should pay for her own meals.
Q. Should a woman permit strange men on the same train to converse with her, or to take her to meals in the diner?
A. It is not improper for a woman to converse briefly about the trip, the scenery, or such matters with courteous men she may encounter in the observation car on long trips. She should not encourage such an acquaintance by accepting an invitation to a meal, unless the acquaintance is established by mutual friendships to such a degree that she is certain the man is one she would care to have as a guest in her own home. It is always proper to decline attentions from a stranger, but on long trips there is no occasion to repulse casual conversation on general topics.
Q. If an acquaintance is met at the station or on a train, should he be allowed to buy tickets, pay tips, or perform other such attentions?
A. A woman may permit a male friend to buy her ticket and check her baggage, but should insist on paying him for the ticket. He may properly assume minor tips.
Q. Should a gentleman sit with a woman friend on a train?
A. He may properly sit and talk with her on the Pullman, but is not expected to spend the entire trip talking to her. It is more thoughtful for him to leave much of her time for herself, while he visits the smoking car. Long, tiresome conversations are not required as a courtesy.
Q. Should a man making a chance conversational acquaintance with a woman who is travelling alone, ask to accompany her home from their destination, or to call on her later?
A. No. Chance travel acquaintance ends with the trip, unless the woman suggests its continuance. At the station where they arrive, if no one is to meet her, a male acquaintance may offer to assist her to the street car or taxi, but no farther.
Q. Should a woman travelling with children allow them to make acquaintance with other travellers?
A. Only when fellow travellers encourage the young ones. The children should be instructed not to intrude on others in any way.
Q. How much should one tip porters and dining car waiters?
A. Ten per cent of the check is the usual custom in the dining car. For sleeping car porters there is no rule, the amount of special attention required during the journey influencing the amount of the tip. Twenty-five cents for each day of the journey is adequate when the traveller has asked for no special services.
Q. Is not tipping un-American?
A. It is. Unfortunately the custom has become so universal, and some employees are so inadequately paid otherwise, that for comfortable travel reasonable tipping is almost a necessity.
Q. Must “red caps” helping with baggage in stations be tipped?
A. It is customary, although not compulsory. Ten cents for handling one bag to or from cabs or street cars, and fifteen to twenty-five cents for a heavier load, is usual.
Q. Is tipping in Europe on the same basis as in America?
A. It is the universal custom abroad, but tips are smaller and usually there are more servants to be tipped. Local custom should be studied. On your first trip abroad ask about the customs, and keep some small change, including coppers, for tips.
Q. Are introductions necessary on shipboard?
A. No. Shipboard acquaintances may be more unconventional. One should exchange greetings at the first meal with one’s nearby table companions.
Q. Should one play cards with strangers while travelling?
A. A woman should not. A man may if he chooses, but it is very unwise to play for any stakes. The man who politely announces that he does not play for stakes will not be victimized by card sharks.
Q. Are dinner clothes worn on shipboard?
A. A woman should wear nothing more elaborate than a semi-formal dinner dress, even on de luxe steamers. A man should wear a tuxedo. Nowadays most of the big liners have two dining rooms, and semi-formal dinner dress is worn in but one of these, afternoon dress in the other.
Q. When travelling by motor is it permissible for a wife to register for her husband if he is busy putting the car away?
A. At the best hotels an employee will take charge of the car at the door. Some men do not care to permit this, and if the wife is familiar with hotels there is no objection to her registering, but she can just as well wait in a parlor until her husband arrives and arranges about the rooms.
Q. Should garage employees and service station employees be tipped?
A. It is not necessary unless some especial service has been performed outside of what is regularly charged for.
Q. How often should one tip bell boys?
A. Usually they receive a small tip for each special service. When one stays a long time in one hotel and has regular service from the same employee, a weekly tip may cover the whole service.
Q. Should barbers be tipped?
A. It is a growing custom in many of the best shops. Many men refuse to do it, and oppose any growth of the tipping habit, but continuous tipping by the well-to-do or careless is spreading the habit everywhere.
Q. Should door men be tipped?
A. Not unless they perform some extra and special service.
Q. Should attendants in check rooms be tipped?
A. It is a custom to which many people of courage refuse to conform.
IN AN APARTMENT HOUSE
Q. Is it necessary to observe any particular code of manners when living in an apartment house?
A. When living in such close quarters with many other people it is necessary to have consideration for one’s neighbors. Community interest requires general order and comfort. Unnecessary noise at night should be avoided. Loud talking or laughing will likely be annoying to some neighbor at any hour, and is inexcusable after bedtime. There should be no talking in the halls after the tenants have retired. Only thoughtless housekeepers will start washing dishes after bedtime.
Q. Is it necessary to be announced when calling upon a friend who lives in an apartment?
A. Always be announced. The tenant may be in the bath, or engaged in some way. Another excellent reason why all well-managed houses insist upon this rule is the protection from annoyance or danger that it affords the tenant.
Q. Do all cities have a law against putting flower pots or food boxes upon the window sills of apartment houses?
A. All cities do not enforce this ordinance, but the practice is being generally discontinued on account of its being so dangerous.
Q. Should one tenant in an apartment house be announced when calling on another tenant?
A. The same formality should be observed as in the case of an outsider. The telephone operator should be asked to announce the visitor.
Q. Should people living in the same apartment house speak to one another in the elevators or lobbies if they have never been introduced?
A. Personal inclination or discretion must govern. It is courteous to speak to a tenant who is often met in lobby or elevator.
Q. Should a woman call on a new neighbor in the same building?
A. Such calls are seldom made unless the tenants have mutual friends, or have met elsewhere.
Q. May unmarried women living in an apartment receive gentlemen callers in their rooms?
A. Modern custom permits such calls if they are not extended to late hours.
Q. When a man escorts home from the theater a woman who lives in an apartment house, should he leave her in the lobby?
A. Whether in an apartment house or elsewhere, the hour is too late to pay a call.
Q. Is the management of an apartment house responsible for mistakes or oversights made by the employees?
A. This would depend on the individual case. If there is an office, all requests and orders should be left at the desk. Messages and orders should never be given to the hall men or elevator boys.
Q. Should a wife’s card appear on the letter box or door of the apartment?
A. It is customary to use the husband’s card in the space provided for the name.
Q. Is it permissible to shake a duster or mop out of the window of an apartment building?
A. It is not only inconsiderate of those living below, but in most cities it is unlawful. Nothing should ever be thrown out of windows.
Q. How late may one play musical instruments in an apartment house?
A. This is governed by the house rule, which in most instances is 11 o’clock.
Q. Are cats and dogs allowed in apartment houses?
A. Most apartment house leases read that they are not permitted, but whether this clause is strictly enforced depends upon the individual management.
Q. Should garbage cans and trash baskets be put outside the door at night?
A. No. These should never be put in the hall until shortly before the stated time for them to be collected by the trash man.
AT THE TELEPHONE
Q. When a person calls another on the telephone who should say “Goodbye” first?
A. The person who makes the call should terminate the conversation.
Q. When a person is connected with the telephone number he is calling is it correct to ask of the person answering, “Who is this?”
A. No. This should never be done. He should first inquire if he has the number which he called, and then ask for the person with whom he wishes to speak. For instance, upon being connected with a telephone number one should say, “Is this Cleveland 2639?” If answered in the affirmative then he should ask, “May I speak with Miss Dunbar?”
Q. Does the fact that a person leaves his name upon calling another on the telephone and finding he is out mean that he wants that person to telephone him?
A. When a person leaves his name upon making a telephone call it is considered by many to signify that he wishes the person he is calling to call him back, even though he does not leave a specific message to this effect.
Q. Should one say “please” in asking for a number?
A. When central repeats the number it is appropriate to acknowledge the correctness of her understanding by saying, “If you please” instead of merely “Yes.” If she repeats it incorrectly, repeat the right number.
Q. Why should one be bothered with polite phrases to the telephone operators? Is not phoning purely a business matter?
A. One is courteous in business. Courtesy will get you better service, will sound much better to people in your home who hear you, and should be instinctive with well-bred people. ON THE GOLF LINKS
Q. On public links where strangers are paired together should they introduce themselves?
A. Yes.
Q. In such a case, if thrown with companions who violate the rules of etiquette, what should one do?
A. Try to correct them by your own example. For instance, you can usually find an opportunity to say, “I do not play until the preceding match is well out of reach”; or “I never take practice putts after holing out because it may annoy people coming up behind.” In extreme cases on a public course it may be advisable directly but politely to call attention to the rules.
Q. Should one or two players ask strangers to make up a foursome?
A. It is often the courteous thing to do, as it lessens congestion on the course.
Q. When a ball is lost, who decides when to signal following sets to play through?
A. Any player in your set who observes that others have come up behind and are waiting may signal them through. The others in your set should refrain from play until they have passed through and are out of reach.
Q. Should a player or his caddy replace divots?
A. The caddy should do this. If he does not the player should call his attention to the dereliction.
Q. Should caddies be called to account for their mistakes?
A. Yes, but in a courteous manner, not in the rough language sometimes heard on the links. The example of courtesy to the young should be observed in dealing with caddies. Be careful never to speak hastily to your caddy when you are feeling disgusted at your own poor play.
Q. Should men give place to sets which include women in driving from the first tee, or at other points?
A. No. Women take their turn. Since most women play more slowly than men, they should give way to men’s sets rather than keep them waiting. At the first tee everyone takes his regular turn.
Q. Should more than one player tee up at a time?
A. No. Each player tees up and drives in turn. Avoid any movement toward teeing up while another is driving.
Q. May one whisper aside while another is playing?
A. No. Do not stand close to or directly behind a player, nor speak or move while the player is making a stroke.
Q. When playing for stakes is it permissible to call attention to violations of rules?
A. There are no rules of etiquette regarding betting in golf, as the game was not designed for gambling. Those who lay wagers may make agreements among themselves about the conduct of their game, but should carefully avoid anything that will annoy other players.
Q. Is applause permissible by galleries following tournament play?
A. Strictly speaking, it is not. Applause is sometimes heard following the final stroke on any given hole. At any other time it is very bad taste and the basis for ruling the persons applauding off the course.
Q. Should a player laying a stymie for an opponent offer to lift his ball, or to play out first?
A. U. S. Golf Association rules call for playing stymies. Many local club rules make exceptions. In competition other than formal tournaments it is frequently agreed to lift stymies. In case there has been no agreement it is proper to offer to lift the first stymie that occurs, and if the offer is accepted it sets the precedent for that round. The player laying the stymie makes the offer. Some players will decline, preferring to play always strictly according to the rules.
Q. In case an opponent dubs a shot and there has been noise, movement or other distraction, should one invite him to play the shot over?
A. The offer may be made, but it probably will not be accepted. Real golfers prefer to ask or receive no advantage. If such an offer is made, it may be accepted or declined, and either decision closes the incident and sets no precedent.
Q. Are practice strokes permitted?
A. Practice strokes using another ball are not permissible nor good form, as they delay the game for everyone. Practice swings are not forbidden, but one should learn to play without them if possible after the game has started. Practicing may be done at other times and places.
Q. How long a search for a lost ball is permissible?
A. It is a matter of rule, not etiquette.
Q. How should a beginner conduct himself on the links?
A. Remember that courtesy is fundamental to golf. Learn the rules as quickly as you can. When in doubt ask a companion. On any doubtful point consider the other players, not yourself.
Q. Should the player or his caddy smooth over holes or footmarks in a bunker?
A. The player. The caddy should not enter a bunker.
Q. Should one stand behind a player when he is making a stroke?
A. No. The best place is at a reasonable distance in front of him as he faces the ball. Naturally you cannot be toward the hole at which he is playing. Standing in the opposite direction you may bother his line of vision when he swings. If behind him he cannot tell what you are doing, while if you stand quietly in sight, but not close enough to annoy, you are sure not to interrupt his stroke.
Q. In a golf tournament at match play why can’t I waive a rule or the enforcement of a penalty against my opponent if I want to be a “good sport”?
A. Not only can you not waive a rule or a penalty, but your opponent cannot accept such generosity on your part. The reason for this is that such action might determine the result of the match. Every other player in the tournament is directly affected by the result of your match. For example, to waive a penalty might favor a stronger player, which would be to the disadvantage of the other player in the succeeding match, or it might favor a weaker player, which would be correspondingly to the advantage of the player next to meet him. DRESS—WOMEN
Q. Are light-colored stockings proper with dark street clothes?
A. In the fall there is usually a tendency toward darker shades in hose, but this is largely a question of the prevailing fashion.
Q. Should women carry walking or swagger sticks?
A. They are proper for walking or with sport’s wear in the country. When carried merely for effect they are not in the best of taste.
Q. When should jewelry or ornaments be worn in the hair?
A. At balls or dinners. The size and character of such ornaments is a matter of taste.
Q. What is the difference between a ball dress and a dinner dress?
A. The formal dinner dress differs little from the ball dress, except that the skirt of the latter must be appropriate for dancing, while for the dinner dress it: may be closer fitting. Every sort of low or half-low evening dress is in fact a dinner dress. The informal dinner dress is higher in the back, and often with half sleeves, whereas the formal dress is sleeveless. The informal dinner dress is worn at the theater, restaurant, or the opera, except in a box.
Q. Should a woman serving her own dinner to a small number of guests wear a formal dinner gown?
A. Formality is not expected at a dinner served by the hostess without servants.
Q. In presiding at a club meeting should a hat be worn?
A. This is optional.
A. Are parasols still carried for shopping or calling?
A. The automobile has largely ended the need for the parasol in town. It is proper, however.
Q. Is it necessary to be in the latest fashion to be properly dressed?
A. No. The well-poised woman makes fashion her servant. Others foolishly make themselves the slaves of fashion. Many so-called fashions are merely fads which have nothing to do with the proprieties of dress. The best-dressed women adopt so much of the current fashions as may be becoming to them. Very few types of women can afford to follow all of the current fashions. Out-of-date fads should be shunned but new ones adopted only if found suitable.
Q. What sort of hat should be worn with evening dress?
A. None. No hat is ever proper with evening dress. Afternoon dress is never proper without a hat.
Q. Is it better to have a number of inexpensive dresses or only a few which cost more?
A. All authorities agree that the well-dressed woman would rather have one or two really good dresses than half a dozen cheaper ones. If one has a gown of excellent material made on good lines she may feel well dressed at all times. It is economical to put money into good clothes, too, because they hold their shape better and last longer.
Q. What is the correct dress of a business woman?
A. A woman in the business world should always avoid the “faddish,” and wear simple, dark and preferably tailored clothes. Light, perishable clothes, or those which are very elaborate, are not appropriate in an office.
Q. Is it correct to wear a veil after six o’clock in the evening?
A. While there does not at present seem to be any strict ruling on this, one is not usually worn. This is probably because hats which are worn in the evening are generally not suitable for a veil. However, if one is wearing a small hat on a windy night, she may wear a veil to protect her hair.
Q. Should silk stockings be worn with knickers?
A. No. Women wear knickers only for camping, hiking, etc., and silk hose are most inappropriate.
DRESS—MEN
Q. Is it regarded as effeminate for men to wear wrist watches?
A. If such an idea ever existed, the World War dissipated it. The wrist watch was found convenient and practical. Since the War, its popularity has increased rather than diminished.
Q. When is it proper to wear a tuxedo and when a full dress suit?
A. A tuxedo is worn upon informal occasions after six o’clock. It is appropriate to wear at the theater; at most dinners; at informal parties; when dining at home; and when dining in a restaurant. Full dress is worn at the opera; at an evening wedding; at a dinner to which the invitations are worded in the third person; at a ball or formal evening entertainment; at certain state functions on the continent of Europe in broad daylight.
Q. What kind of collar should be worn with a tuxedo?
A. The Correct Dress Chart of The Haberdasher says that a wing collar may be worn. A suitable tie is a wide black bow.
Q. Is it proper to wear military medals on evening clothes?
A. A paragraph from an article on military insignia by Colonel Wyllie states that in civilian life decorations should be confined to appropriate ceremonious occasions. On civilian evening clothes miniatures may be worn. These are exact replicas of the full-sized medals and ribbons made on the scale of about one-half. This authority on the wearing of military insignia further states that military men in uniform wear medals only on full dress occasions.
Q. Should a cane be carried with evening clothes?
A. Yes. A plain Malacca or wood cane is proper. A gold or silver band or top is correct.
Q. What sort of gloves are worn with evening clothes?
A. At the opera or a ball, white kid. On the street, white buckskin or gray or khaki doeskin.
Q. What sort of gloves should a man wear who drives his own car?
A. He may keep motoring gloves or gauntlets for use while driving, and carry the proper gloves for the occasion to put on when he leaves the car.
Q. When should spats be worn?
A. They are permissible with business or afternoon dress.
Q. May golf clothes be worn except on the links?
A. Only for sports, or on informal occasions in the country.
Q. What clothes are proper at a funeral?
A. Pallbearers wear formal afternoon dress, cut-away or frock coat, silk hat, black waistcoat, black bow tie or four-in-hand. Other men may wear any inconspicuous clothes, preferably dark.
Q. What should a man wear at an afternoon wedding?
A. Ushers wear formal afternoon clothes. Other male guests may wear the same, but a plain dark suit is not improper.
Q. When may colored ties be worn?
A. With business dress. The father of the bride at an afternoon wedding wears a gray Ascot with frock coat.
Q. When is it necessary to wear pearl cuff links, and when may gold or other cuff buttons be worn?
A. Pearl studs and links are correct for full dress. Black enamel is preferable with the tuxedo. Waistcoat buttons, studs, and cuff links in sets, sometimes jewelled, are permissible if not too conspicuous.
Q. Are soft-bosomed shirts permissible with afternoon dress?
A. No.
Q. May soft collars be worn at teas, receptions, or tea dances?
A. They are not correct.
Q. Is a soft or colored hat ever permitted with evening clothes? Or a straw hat?
A. Only a silk hat is proper with full dress. With a tuxedo the opera hat is best, but felt or straw is correct in the country, and not out of place in town.
MISCELLANEOUS
Q. Should a man put on a woman’s rubbers or overshoes?
A. To put on a woman’s rubbers is a courteous act which it is proper for a man to perform.
Q. When calling for a young lady to take her for a drive is it proper to blow the automobile horn to announce one’s arrival?
A. The automobile horn should never be used to signal that the car is waiting outside.
Q. When do persons shake hands?
A. Men always shake hands when introduced to each other. Women rarely offer their hands when introduced to men. All people who know each other shake hands when they meet.
Q. Should a man remove his hat in an elevator?
A. Nowadays it is not considered necessary for a man to remove his hat in a business elevator. In elevators in apartments, hotels, and clubs, men remove their hats, but in elevators in office buildings and stores they usually do not. These elevators are usually crowded and it is difficult for a man to put up his arm and take off his hat. However, if there are only one woman and one or two men in the elevator, the men usually remove their hats, as they can do so without difficulty. In the Southern States the removal of hats in elevators is still a universal custom.
Q. In going up the stairs, should a man precede a lady?
A. Yes, a man precedes a woman when ascending the stairs, but walks behind her when descending.
Q. When a young man sees a young lady home after the theater or a dance should he ask for her key and unlock the door or should she do this after he has left?
A. It is courteous for the young man to unlock the door and to see that the young lady is safely in the house before he leaves.
Q. Should a young lady ask her escort to come in when he brings her home from a party or the theater?
A. No, she should never ask him to “come in for a few minutes.” The young man should leave her at the door if the hour is late.
Q. What are some suitable gifts a young man may give a young woman at Christmas?
A. According to the strict rulings of etiquette, unless the young man is engaged to be married to the young woman he should never give her anything but flowers, candy, or books. However, in these modern times it is considered permissible for him to give her moderate-priced jewelry, such as a vanity case, perfume flask for her purse, bracelet, or something similar. She should not accept a gift that has any great value attached to it.
Q. Is it correct for a young woman to go to visit the family of a young man on his invitation?
A. No. The invitation should come from either his mother or his sister.
Q. Should a woman always accept a seat offered her in a street car or bus even when she feels that she is better able to stand than the person offering it?
A. A considerate woman always accepts a proffered seat from a man with a word of thanks. Also, if offered a seat by a young girl she should accept graciously, since an embarrassing situation is created if she hesitates or argues. A woman offering her seat to another must be exceedingly tactful, since this usually signifies deference to an older or infirm person. Occasionally the woman to whom the seat is offered resents the apparent fact that the other feels she is not able to stand.
Q. What is the correct way for a woman to refer to her husband?
A. A woman should never refer to her husband as “Mr.” except to an inferior. If she is speaking to a stranger she should say “my husband,” and to a friend, “Tom thought the play amusing.” The same rule applies to a man’s reference to his wife.
Q. How should a letter to the Ambassador to Great Britain be addressed?
A. The envelope should be addressed, “His Excellency, The American Ambassador, American Embassy, London.” The letter should begin “Your Excellency.” The same form would be used in addressing Ambassadors to other foreign countries.
Q. In writing to the head of a college, should his academic degrees be designated on the envelope?
A. It is not usual nor necessary to affix them to his name on an envelope.
Q. In addressing letters to members of the Supreme Court, what form of salutation should be used?
A. In the case of the Chief Justice, the form should be “My dear Mr. Chief Justice” and in the case of the other judges, “My dear Mr. Associate Justice.”
Q. Is it proper to sign a letter “Your humble servant?”
A. The superscription, “Your humble servant,” is no longer good form. It is an expression that was used many years ago and should now be avoided.
Q. How should a letter be addressed to the Governor of Ohio?
A. On the envelope should be inscribed, His Excellency the Governor, Columbus, Ohio. On the inside the salutation should be Your Excellency.
Q. How should the president of a class be addressed when the person is a young lady?
A. The president of a young ladies class should be addressed “Madam President.”
Q. Should the mail of a Congressman be addressed Hon. or The Hon.?
A. In addressing a Representative in the United States Congress, the form is The Hon. In addressing a Senator, the envelope should read Senator, etc.
Q. Was it ever correct to say Mrs. Senator and Mrs. Secretary, as for example, Mrs. Senator Borah?
A. Edna Colman in “Seventy-five Years of White House Gossip” quotes from the account of the Lincoln Inaugural Ball, published in the New York Times. The article uses the phrase “Mrs. Secretary Welles,” “Mrs. Postmaster General Dennison,” “Mrs. Senator Harris.”
Q. Should a woman be addressed as Mrs. Dr. Blank?
A. The wife of a physician does not share his title. She is addressed as Mrs. Blank. If she is a physician herself she is known professionally as Dr. Blank, and socially as Mrs. Blank.
Q. Is it correct to say man and wife when husband and wife is meant?
A. The use of man in the sense of husband has the sanction of time, dating back to about 1300.
Q. What is a salaam?
A. The salaam is the common form of salutation among Mohammedans to those of their own faith. The full salutation translated is “peace be unto you” and the reply “and unto you peace.”
Q. When presents are given at a birthday party, should they be opened or kept until the party is over?
A. It is customary to open a gift immediately upon its receipt. The fact that presents are offered at a birthday party does not affect that custom.
Q. My daughter is going on a visit to a distant city in which lives an old friend of mine who is an unmarried man. In what manner should I request this friend to call on my daughter?
A. The most usual way of inviting a friend to call upon a visiting daughter or relative in another city is by a personal letter recalling the friendship and saying that it would give you pleasure to have your old friend make the acquaintance of your young daughter.
Q. When monograms are used should the initial of the last name appear in the center or in natural order?
A. This is a matter of choice. Often the letters lend themselves to one or the other with better effect and balance. When the initial of the surname is in the center, it is usually larger than the other ones.
Q. When writing a social letter on a typewriter, should one sign one’s name with the same?
A. It is not considered good form to write a social letter on the typewriter. If, however, one has done so, it is not permissible to type the signature unless it be placed under the written signature. This is sometimes done when handwriting is a little illegible. A social letter should be signed, “Yours sincerely, Louise Carter Smith.” If there is need of identifying the writer as the wife of her husband, the woman writes in parentheses to the left of her signature (Mrs. W. H.).
Q. What should a person do who is invited to a bridge party and would like to go but does not play the game?
A. If you are invited to an auction bridge party and are not sufficiently well versed in the game so that you will not be an embarrassment to yourself or to other players you should decline the invitation. It is not in good form to plead ignorance of any game of that character and at the same time attempt to play it.
Q. Should new cards always be provided for card games?
A. While it is not necessary to have packs of cards with unbroken seals, the hostess should be sure that the cards are in good condition, just as she would provide immaculate silver and linen at a luncheon or dinner.
Q. Please answer the following questions as to how a married woman’s signature is written—when writing a business letter; when writing a check on a bank account?
A. Except in the case of a check which is made out to “Mrs. James Brown,” or in the case of a hotel register where a woman signs her name as it appears on her visiting card, a married woman has no occasion to use as her signature “Mrs. James Brown.” When signing a letter she should use her given and married name together with her maiden name or the initial thereof, if she so desires. In the case of a letter which requires that she be identified as her husband’s wife, she puts in parentheses at the left of her signature (Mrs. James). When making out a check, she uses the form of signature decided upon when she opened her account at the bank. A check must always be endorsed as the name appears on the face of it.
Q. Is it proper for a stenographer to send a Christmas card to her employer? If so, should she address it Mr. and Mrs. although she does not know his wife?
A. Some authorities regard it as a little presuming for an office employee to send a Christmas card to her employer. If, however, this is done, the greetings should be addressed to the employer and his wife.
This work is in the public domain in the United States because it was legally published within the United States (or the United Nations Headquarters in New York subject to Section 7 of the United States Headquarters Agreement) between 1929 and 1977 (inclusive) without a copyright notice.
This work may be in the public domain in countries and areas with longer native copyright terms that apply the rule of the shorter term to foreign works.
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