Once a Week (magazine)/Series 1/Volume 1/The Original Bun House
THE ORIGINAL BUN HOUSE.
I have seen pretty faces under various aspects: some peeping innocently from a wild luxuriance of honeysuckle and roses—others glancing with bright intelligence from opera boxes, made glorious by amber satin, and the radiance of chandeliers; and there is something harmonious in both styles of embellishment. When, however, my youthful fancy was just beginning to put forth its tender buds beneath the cold shade of College House, I had rather peculiar views of decorative art, my notion being, that the sphere for sylphs to shine in was one liberally adorned with puffs,—raspberry gaffs, cranberry tarts, and all that tends to sweeten existence embittered by Bonnycastle and Valpy. The serene felicity of my first love is thus strangely associated with the favourable impression which I received from my first jelly. I almost tremble now to think what sacrifices in cash and constitution I made at that refectory which Amelia’s glances filled with mimic sunshine. Warmed by those beams, my consumption of ices was at once rapid and futile. My bosom glowed, despite of all my polar luxuries; and if I suffered from heart-burn (as I often did after a banquet at Crump’s), it was not entirely owing to dyspepsia, but derived its poignancy from a singular but powerful combination of Beauty and Buns.
Amelia was Crump’s niece. Crump—sole proprietor of the Original Bun House at the corner of the Cathedral Close—was a little weazen, one-eyed, floury-faced man, who always wore a night-cap and a sack-apron. We of College House never saw much of him, for his proper place was below, near the oven, from which, like a fish, he came to the surface at intervals, with a block of gingerbread or a tray of pies. Mrs. Crump—Amelia’s aunt—was the most stupendous and remarkable woman I ever saw out of a caravan. She commonly sat in an arm-chair behind the counter, with a huge toasting-fork erect, like Britannia, and her role was absolute. She had studied human nature long, and, it would seem, with profitable results, for she gave no credit to man or boy.
You could trace the mandate, "Pay on delivery," sharply etched in her acid countenance; and her voice, decidedly metallic in its upper notes, had none of that softness which marks the advocates of a paper currency, Between her and her niece there were differences of kind, as well as of degree. Amelia’s little white palm instinctively shrank from copper coins, hot from our portable treasuries, Her mild blue eyes were full of trust; her rosy lips and bewildering auburn ringlets, all spoke of generosity and confidence; yet such was the respectful devotion with which her loveliness inspired College House, that no boy, however great his natural audacity, ever presumed even in a whisper to ask her to accept his promissory note for a pound of ratafias.
Crump had a workhouse apprentice — an awkward, lazy, ill-constructed lad, who in early life had been fished out of a pond, and had never quite recovered his then suspended animation. Being kept at work all night in a cavern swarming with black-beetles and such queer company, he had lost his bold upon the sympathy of his fellowmen or boys; while his vacant gaze, electrified hair, and ghoul-like nails, had deprived him of any claim to compensation which the gentler sex might otherwise have allowed. Yet, despite of his isolated condition, College House looked on Crump’s apprentice with envy. Was he not in hourly communication with Amelia? Might he not abuse the privilege of his position, and pluck from that dimpled chin what College House, by the most liberal expenditure of its petty cash, could never hope to enjoy—a surreptitious kiss? The thought used to haunt us in our midnight visions. One boy, named Barwell, whose father was governor of the county jail, went so far as to assert that he had never at his father’s official residence seen any countenance so decidedly felonious as that of Crump’s apprentice. No wonder, then, that College House had fears—strong fears—for the security of Crump’s till.
To her credit be it spoken, Amelia treated her eager worshippers with strict impartiality. Recognising no superiority of age, learning, or opulence, she bestowed on every ardent lover of her uncle’s bons an encouraging smile. On one occasion, however, it was reported that she wrapt up Larpent’s change in whity-brown paper. Larpent was a West Indian, tall and slender, with remarkably pretty teeth, and a somewhat distingué air. He always dressed well, and the distinction shown him was, I honestly believe, entirely owing to his expensive lemon-kid gloves. Slight as was this token of favouritism, it created a feeling of uneasiness and insecurity at College House; and Boag and Pepper, who, in avowed imitation of Beaumont and Fletcher, had established a poetical partnership, of which Amelia’s charms might be regarded as the "working capital," at once tore up their sonnets, and dissolved the firm. Blobbing, a boy of plethoric habit, small eyes and little ideality, and who was continually cooling the passions of youth by sucking oranges, was heard to declare, that he always thought Amelia Pluckrose a coquette; and on being sharply interrogated as to what he meant by that offensive epithet, made answer, that a coquette was one who looked very sweet at you so long as you spent all your money upon buns,—a definition which, however correct, was not in good taste, and covered Blobbins with the obloquy due to vulgar detractors.
On Valentine’s Day every pupil at College House, who had attained years of discretion, sent his gage-d'amour to "Miss A. Pluckrose, Original Bun House," and marked outaide “Private,” to deter Old Crump from breaking the seal. Some of these compositions—my own for example—had never appeared in print. Others were cribbed from Arlise's Magazine, and another anonymous miscellany. With that happy credulity which is youth's most precious inheritance, every boy at College House secretly believed that Amelia’s eye was more frequently directed to him for the rest of the “half,” than to any one else. It is true that Larpent, by virtue of his liberal outlay for cherry-brandy and preserved ginger at the Original Bun House, could always command an audience of the reigning beauty; but we could all see that Amelia's attention was mere politeness—nothing more,
Larpent, with his lemon-coloured gloves, might have made a sensible impression on some weak-minded girls. But College House had great confidence in his complexion, which was a decided chocolate. We felt assured that Amelia with her refined feelings would never be so silly as Desdemona was, or would cast herself away upon a Moor. Indeed I was inclined to pity Larpent for wasting so much precious eloquence and pocket-money at the Original Bun House, when his extraordinary behaviour towards the College in general, and myself in particular, proclaimed that he neither deserved compassion nor stood in need of it.
I was sitting at my desk on Valentine's Eve composing an acroatic, when some one pulled my ear in a jocular way, and, turning round very angrily, I found it was Larpent who had thus rudely obstructed a poet's progress.
"What will you take for it when it is finished?" he said, bending down to read what I had written.
"Nothing that you can give me," was my answer, in a tone of defiance.
"Amelia P.," he continued, glancing at the initials of each line, "this is for Miss Pluckrose,"
"And suppose it is," said I, "you have no right to interfere."
"No right, eh?" he replied, showing his teeth.
"Certainly not. What right have you?"
He grasped my arm with his vice-like fingers till he almost made me shriek, as looking at me like a savage, he exclaimed:—
"The beat right which any man can have. The right of conquest—booby!"
There was a pause, very long and very awkward. I could not speak from astonishment. He would not, because my perplexity gratified him.
At last he broke silence.
"I will not allow you or any other fellow, to send a parcel of trumpery love-verses to my Amelia."
"O, then all the trumpery love-verses she may receive must emanate from you?" Page:Once a Week Jul - Dec 1859.pdf/30 Page:Once a Week Jul - Dec 1859.pdf/31