ejaculation. In reality I am not very passionate sexually, and I have periods lasting from four to six weeks, in which I have almost no sexual desire. Unfortunately, these periods are infrequent, and they are usually followed by an awakening of my intense sexual desire that is only the more violent; which, when it is unsatisfied, causes intense physical and mental suffering. I then become moody, depressed, sensitive, irritable, and retiring; peculiarities, however, which, with the first opportunity I have for sexual gratification, again disappear. I must mention, also, that often, on the slightest occasion, my mood may change several times during the day; it is like April weather.
“I dance well, and like to; but I love dancing only for its rhythmical movement, and because of my partiality for music.
“In conclusion, I wish to speak of something that always arouses repugnance in me. We are usually considered diseased, and that is absolutely incorrect. For in every disease there is a means of cure or amelioration; but no power in the world can take from an urning his perverse natural constitution. Even suggestion, which has been used with so much apparent success, cannot induce any enduring change in the mental life of an urning. In us, effect is mistaken for cause. We are considered diseased, because in time the majority of us really become ill. I am almost convinced that two-thirds of us, in later life, when we really live so long, have a mental defect of one kind or another; and this is only too easily explained. For, what strength of will and nerves is required for one to constantly dissimulate, lie, and play the hypocrite all his life! How often in the society of normal men, when the conversation turns to contrary sexual instinct, must one agree with the words of abuse and contempt, while every one of them wounds the heart. On the other hand, there are always the tiresome and indecent jokes and talk about women, etc., that must be heard; and which to-day, in so-called ‘good society,’ are popular—and to show interest and give attention to them! Daily and hourly to see so many handsome men to whom one cannot reveal himself; to be compelled to go without a friend, intercourse with whom we desire so much; and besides, constantly the fearful anxiety of betraying one’s self before the eyes of the world, and then standing covered with ignominy and shame! It is really no wonder that the majority of us are incapable of real work; for we need all our strength of will and power of endurance for the struggle with our own fate. How injurious it is to our nerves constantly to be compelled to shut up all these thoughts and feelings in our hearts; where our lively fancy, feeding on it all, plays all the more intensely, so that we go about with a burning fire within us that only too often threatens to consume us! Happy are those of us that are never denied the strength to lead such a life; but those, too, are happy that have passed beyond it.”
Case 123. Autobiography. “In what follows, you will find the description of the character, as well as the mental and sexual disposition,