even that despair really gave me some sort of ease; but this action of mine had revived my father's former tenderness just enough to bring to my remembrance all I had lost. The little while this continued, I was more miserable than when he quite neglected me; for now the want of those trifling instances of his affection I once enjoyed began to rise in my mind again, and I had all the pain my heart had felt at the loss of them to suffer afresh. I had spent a great deal of time in endeavouring to calm my mind, and insure it to bear ill-usage: but this little view of pleasure, this small return of hope, quite got the better of all my resolutions; for I am convinced, that to live with anybody we have once loved, and fancy we have, by any wisdom or philosophy of our own, put it out of their power to hurt us, is feeding ourselves with a vain chimera, and flattering our pride with being able to do more than is in the power of any mortal.
"Livia saw the agitations of mind I suffered, and was resolved to make them subservient to her purposes. She, therefore, one morning as I was musing and resolving in my mind the difference of my present situation from what it had formerly been, came into my room with all the appearance of good-humour, and sat and talked for some time of indifferent things; at last she fell into a discourse on our private affairs, in which she took an opportunity of saying all the most shocking things she could think of, although she kept up to the strictest rules of civility; for she valued herself much upon her politeness: and I have observed several people value themselves greatly on their own good breeding, whose politeness consists in nothing more than an art of hurting others, without making use of vulgar terms.
"When Livia had by these means worked me up to a rage, then she had her ends. She knew my
