own mistaken maxims, and deceived myself whilst I fancied I was cheating others, I grew desperate at being obliged to retire into the country, left off all my schemes, and gave myself up so entirely to the bottle, that I was seldom master of even that small share of understanding my worn-out health and strength had left me, and began to curse the Author of my being for all those misfortunes I had brought upon myself; till at last ill humour, and the fear of believing there was a Deity, made me turn atheist; or at least my own desire of being so flattered me into a fixed opinion that I was one. In drink and debauchery I spent my quarter's income in a month, with only a reserve of enough to bring me to town; whither I was returning with a resolution of doing anything ever so desperate, even robbing on the highway, rather than deny myself the indulgence of any vicious passion that was uppermost. I was travelling to London when the misfortune happened to me which I believe will bring me to my end. I cannot say I ever enjoyed any real happiness in my life; for the anxiety about the success of my schemes, the fear of being found out, and the disappointment which always attended me in the end, joined to the envy which continually preyed on my heart at the good fortune of others, has made me, ever since I came into the world, the most wretched of all mortals. To this conduct I owe my ruin.' Here he stopped; and was so tired with having talked so long that he insensibly fell into a sound sleep."
