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��CONGRESSIONAL PAPERS.
��acle for business documents and the productions of disordered minds and visionary theorists. It also indicates the vast extent of our country, and the conflicting interests involved in its com- mercial and manufacturing industries.
It is not often that anything so prosaic as a House or Senate bill is made the vehicle of humor, but some- times the scintillations of wit are found in the dryest places. For instance, while the discussion on financial legis- lation was in progress, some wag in- duced Senator Patterson of S. C, to in- troduce a bill (Senate bill 13S3), pro- viding "That the Congress of the United States of America will vote an appropriation, the same as a reward, to be paid the American citizen who shall produce a new foot-measure which shall divulge, in it, the truth of the meeting of parallel lines in exceeding great length."
The House also had its fun over the bill (House bill 4007), " For the relief of Private William Hines, Company F. Eighteenth United States Infantry, who lost his trousers and blanket by fire at Aiken, South Carolina. " The amount of credit claimed was $8.50. The ac- companying documents to the bill was a letter from the Secretary of War, the usual papers indorsed by all the military officers through whose hands it passed in the usual "red tape" style with as much formality, and through precisely the same channels as if it had been a claim for a million dollars. To those readers of the Granite Monthlv who have been surfeited with partisan harangues, and have patiently waded through all the dreary twaddle of con- gressional debate, the following report of the House Committee upon Private Hines' trousers, is recommended as an antidote, with the writer's assurance -that they will search the annals of Con- gress in vain for a parallel :
The Committee whom was refem 4007), for the reli Hines, Company States Infantry, having had the same un- der consideration, submit the following report :
The evidence is conclusive that Hines
��on Military Affairs, to d the bill (II. E. No. ef of Private William F. Eighteenth United
��was a member of the company and regi- ment referred to. and that he lost his trousers and blanket by fire on or about the 11th day of October, A. D. 1876. while serving with his command at Aiken, South Carolina.
The time, place, and circumstances under which this loss occurred deserve much more than a mere passing notice. It was the year of the presidential elec- tion, and but one brief month prior to the time when the freemen of the Eepublic were called upon to cast their ballots for the men, or rather the electors of their choice. The air was filled with the elo- quence of orators, both North and South, who spoke and labored for the success of their candidates. The propriety, not to say the constitutionality, of the presence of Federal troops in the southern section of our beloved country was a question that entered largely into the discussion of the day. Upon this subject there was then, as now, great difference of opinion ; and without committing themselves up- on tins disputed point your committee find unanimously that Hines was there by order of the legally-constituted au- thorities ; that he wore the usual and or- dinary uniform of the private soldier; that he lost his trousers and blanket as set forth in the bill for his relief; that the loss occurred by fire ; that a board of survey was called upon them, and that, in the language of that tribunal, • ' they were damaged to their full value, ft amounting to -$8.65.
Your committee also find that this same board expressed the opinion that the fire was accidental; "that it origi- nated at the top of the tent, " and " that no one was to blame. " There is no di- rect testimony upon this point, but it is fair to assume that Hines was lying down in his tent enjoying needed repose after a day's labor in asserting and main- taining the sovereignty of the General Government. It is true that those who seek to hold him responsible refer to the general and careless use of the pipe by our weary warriors ; and others have at- tempted to account for the catastrophe by calling attention to the dangerous habit of soldiers carrying matches in their trousers' pockets. Both of these theories, although plausible, are rejected by your committee ; and after patient in- vestigation they are of the opinion that the fire originated in some unaccountable manner. If, as is altogether probable, Hines was recumbent in his tent, the conclusion is almost irresistible that he had disrobed and placed his blouse and trousers on the convenient and useful cracker-box ; the progress of the flames from the top of the tent, where they orig- inated, to his soldierly couch, doubtless
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