The value of the other as he is and as he can grow to be becomes the highest value in life.
Because of the high value she places upon her loved one a woman makes the understanding of him one of her most important activities. And this understanding furthers love, which in turn furthers understanding, so that the process is a very dynamic one. By gaining a knowledge of her loved one she is able ultimately to go to the very root of his personality, thus making an even deeper merging of her with him possible. Such understanding implies, of course, a great sensitivity to all of his reactions. And it makes her, too, inquire urgently (and creatively) into herself, so that no blocks to their deep psychological communion can develop.
These are, then, some of the results of real love. I have listed them as a rebuttal of and a reminder to any who have, through repeated defeat, become discouraged in their struggles to love and have tended therefore to minimize love's importance. There is nothing in life that is so important as love. In fact, as one of my patients once said, looking back on the period when she was unable to love, "Without love there is nothing in life."
One cannot win the battle to love if one minimizes it. The frigid woman, above all, must realize this and never give up her struggle. Indeed, a complete awareness of how important love is can be in itself a big step along the way to achieving the ability to love and to be loved.
Now if we summarize what has just been said about love, what do we find is its essential characteristic? This: the ability to see the other person as he is and to esteem him above everything else for his individual quality, indeed to love him (and so want to merge with him) for it.
On the other hand, if we were to summarize all the case histories of the various forms of frigidity I have given and all the other pertinent facts I have adduced about frigidity, we
