Preparation for death/XXVIII. THE REMORSE OF THE LOST
CONSIDERATION XXVIII
The Remorse of the Lost
"Where their worm dieth not" S. Mark ix. 46.
First Point.
BY the worm that does not die, S. Thomas Aquinas thinks, is signified, that remorse of conscience by which the lost will be eternally tormented in hell. The remorse will be manifold, with which conscience will gnaw the heart of the reprobate; but three forms of it will be the most afflicting first the thought of the little for which they are lost, then the little that was required for their salvation, and lastly the great good which they have lost.
The first sting, then, which the lost one will have, will be the thought, for how little he is lost. After Esau had eaten of that pottage of lentils, for which he had sold his birthright, Holy Scripture says, that, through grief and remorse, " He cried with a great and exceeding bitter cry." (Gen. xxvii. 34.) Oh, how the lost will howl and roar when he thinks that for a few momentary and hurtful gratifications he has lost an eternal kingdom of joy, and has to see himself eternally condemned to a perpetual death. Whence he will weep much more bitterly than Jonathan did when he found himself condemned to death by Saul, his own father, for having eaten a little honey, "I did but taste a little honey, .... and lo, I must die. (i Sam. xiv. 43.)
Oh, God, what a punishment will it be for the condemned to bear, to see men the cause of their own condemnation? At the present, what does our past life seem to us but a dream, a. moment? Now, what will appear to those in hell the fifty or sixty years of the life which they have lived on this earth, when they find themselves in the abyss of eternity, in which a hundred or a thousand millions of years having passed it will be seen that their eternity then begins? But why do I say fifty years of life, all, perhaps, passed in pleasure? And does the sinner by chance, who lives without God, ever delight in his sins? How long do the pleasures of sin last? They endure but moments, and all the rest of the time in which the sinner lives out of the grace of God, is a time of pains and torments. Now, what indeed will these moments of pleasure appear to the poor condemned one, and what in particular that last moment and last sin, through which he was lost? Then he will say, for a wretched animal pleasure that endured but for a moment, and which, as soon as possessed, disappeared as the wind, I shall have to continue to burn in this flame despised and abandoned by all, whilst God shall be God for all eternity.
Affections and Prayers.
Lord, enlighten me, that I may know the wrong which I have committed in offending Thee and the eternal punishment which I have deserved on this account. My God, I feel great sorrow for having offended Thee, but this sorrow consoles me: If Thou hadst sent me to hell as I deserved, this remorse would have been the hell of my hell, the thinking for how little I had condemned myself; but now this remorse consoles me, since it gives me the courage to hope for pardon from Thee, Thou Who hast promised, to pardon those who repent. Yes, my Lord, I repent of having outraged Thee. I embrace this sweet grief, I even pray Thee to increase it, and to preserve it in me till death, that so I may ever weep bitterly over the displeasure that I have caused Thee. My Jesus, pardon me. O my Redeemer, Who, though having pity upon me, hadst no pity for Thyself, condemning Thyself to die of grief to liberate me from hell, have pity upon me. Grant, then, that the remorse of having offended Thee may keep me ever sorrowful, and at the same time may inflame me wholly with love of Thee, Who has so greatly loved me, and Who hast with so much patience borne with me, and Who now, instead of chastising me, encirclest me with light and grace. I thank Thee for these, O my Jesus. I love Thee: I love Thee more than myself, I love Thee with my whole heart. Thou knowest not how to despise one who loves Thee. I love Thee. " Cast me not, away from Thy presence." Receive me, then, into Thy grace, and suffer me not again to lose Thee. O my Jesus, accept me as Thy servant and bind me to Thyself; pardon me, give me Thy love and the grace of perseverance until death.
Second Point.
S. Thomas Aquinas says that the lost " will chiefly grieve that they have been condemned for nothing, and yet most easily they could have obtained eternal life. The second remorse of conscience will be the thought, of how little was required to obtain salvation. The greatest torment in hell to the lost soul will be the thought, for what trifles it has lost itself, and how little there, was to do that it might have been saved. Then will the soul say: " Had I mortified myself by not looking at that object; had I conquered that undue deference to human opinion; had I fled from that temptation, that companion, that assembly, I should not have been condemned. If I had confessed every week, been diligent in the discharge of my religious duties, and read daily such a spiritual book; had I commended myself to Jesus Christ, I should not have become a lapsed one. Very often I resolved to do all this, but I did not carry out my resolution, or, at least, I began to do so, and I failed; and so I am lost."
The examples which he will have had of other holy friends and companions will increase his remorse, and the good gifts which God has granted to him for salvation will increase it still farther; the gifts of nature likewise, of good health, of fortune, of ability, which the Lord had given to employ well, and to make him holy; gifts, moreover, of grace, so great lights, inspirations, calls, and so many years granted to remedy the sin; but he will see that, in that miserable state at which he has now arrived, there is no more time for remedy. He will hear the angel of the Lord " stand upon the sea, and sware by Him that liveth for ever .... that there should be time no longer." (Rev. x. 5, 6.) Oh, what cruel daggers will be all these graces which have been received in the heart of the poor condemned one, who will then see that the time for repairing his eternal ruin is past. The soul will say then, weeping with its other desperate companions, " The harvest is past, the summer is ended, and we are not saved." (Jer. viii. 20.) He will cry, " Oh! if the labours which I have borne for my condemnation I had spent for God, I should have become a great saint; and now, what remains for me but remorse and pains, which will torment me for ever?" Ah, this thought will torment the condemned more than the fire and the other torments of hell I might have been for ever happy, and now I must be for ever miserable.
Affections and Prayers.
Oh, my Jesus, and how is it that Thou hast been able to bear with me so long? I have so often turned away from Thee, and Thou hast not ceased to come nigh me. I have often offended Thee, and Thou hast turned again and pardoned me. Alas! give me a portion of the grief which Thou didst feel in the Garden of Gethsemane for my sins, which then made Thee to sweat blood. I repent, my dear Redeemer, of having so evilly repaid Thy love. O my cursed pleasures, I detest and loathe you; ye made me forfeit the grace of my Lord. My beloved Jesus, now I love Thee above all things, and I renounce all unlawful gratifications \ I purpose rather to die a thousand deaths than to offend Thee more. Ah, by that affection with which Thou hast loved me on the Cross, and hast offered Thy Divine life for me, give me light and strength to resist temptations, and to have recourse to Thy aid when I am tempted. O Lord, grant me holy perseverance, and the grace never to separate myself again from Thy holy love.
Third Point.
The third remorse of the condemned will be to see the great good which they have lost. S. Chrysostom says " they will be tormented more by heaven than by hell; " for that which will afflict them chiefly in all eternity, will be to see that they have lost heaven and the Highest Good, that is God; not indeed through any evil providence, or by the evil designs of others, but by their own fault. The soul will see that it was created for heaven; that God had given to it the choice of procuring either life or death. " Before man is life and death, and whether him liketh shall be given him." (Ecclus. xv. 17.) So it will see that it was in its hand, if it willed, to render itself eternally happy; and it will see that of itself it has chosen to cast itself into that gulf of torment, from which it will never be able to escape, nor will any one else be able to procure its freedom. It will see, amongst the saved, so many of its companions who were placed in the same, or perhaps in greater danger from sin, but who had the knowledge to restrain themselves, or to commend themselves to God; or, albeit if ever they fell, since they had the wisdom to arise and give themselves to God, they were saved. But this lost one, since he willed not to put an end to sin, has come unhappily to his end in hell, in that sea of torments, without the hope of being able to better himself further.
My brother, if in past time you even have been so foolish as to have willed to lose heaven and God for some wretched pleasure, procure a remedy now that there is time. Do not choose to continue to be so foolish. Tremble lest you should have to weep over your disgrace in eternity. Who knows whether this consideration which you are now reading may be the last call that God will give you. Who knows but that if now you do not change your life, at that other deadly sin which you may commit, the Lord will abandon you, and for this afterwards send you to suffer eternally amidst that crew of foolish ones who are now in hell, and are confessing their error. " Therefore we have erred; " but they confess it, being desperate, seeing that there is no longer any remedy for their error. When the devil tempts you to sin anew, think of hell, and have recourse to God; the thought of hell will deliver you from hell. " Remember the end, and thou shalt never do amiss." (Ecclus. vii. 36.) For the thought of hell will make you fly to God.
Affections and Prayers.
Ah, my Highest Good! how often have I lost Thee for nought, and have deserved to lose Thee for ever! But it comforts me to think of that which the Psalmist says, " Let the heart of them rejoice that seek the Lord." (Ps. cv. 3.) I ought not, therefore, to despair of recovering Thee, my God, if I seek Thee with the heart. Yes, my Saviour, I now yearn after Thy grace more than for any other good. I am content to be deprived of all things, even of life, rather than to be deprived of Thy love. I love Thee, my Creator, above all things; and because I love Thee, I repent of having offended Thee. My God, do Thou quickly pardon me who am lost and despairing; and grant that I may find Thee, for I desire to never lose Thee again. If Thou receivest me again to Thy friendship, I desire to lose all things, and to give up myself to Thy love alone; and this I hope for, from Thy compassion. Eternal Father, hear me, for the love of Jesus Christ. Pardon me, and give me grace never to separate myself from Thee again; for if I willingly lose Thee again, I ought to tremble justly, lest Thou abandon me. O Jesus! O peace-maker of sinners! grant me to have peace with God, and then hold me fast under Thy mantle, so that I may never again lose Thee.