Rules of Etiquette

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The Rules of Etiquette  (1924) 
by Robert Ervin Howard
First published in The Progress, February 1, 1924.

Rule I.
ALWAYS BE POLITE
If a girl stops you to talk while you are chasing your trains,
And it looks like they're going to lose ye,
Just up with your musket and knock out her brains,
Saying, "Miss, you'll have to excuse me."

Rule II.
NEVER BE RUDE
IF a tiresome guy should hapopen to call,
And stay and stay without leaving at all,
Just heave him out of the door on his dome,
And maybe he'll take the hint and go home.

Rule III.
BE CONSIDERATE OF LADIES
If you were going down the street,
And a pretty girl you chance to meet,
Don't hit her if she should you slight,
A swiftish kick is more polite.

Rule IV.
EXAMPLES
There was a guy named McDoodles,
With a face like an Austrian poodle's,
When folks said, "What a beeze--
You big piece of cheese!"
Why, he'd wallop them all on their noodles.

Rule V.
BE COURTEOUS
When a tailor's solicitor calls at your door,
Don't make him a greeting with your forty-four;
Don't give him a scowl and a horrible glare,
And say, "You poor fish! You bum! Take the air!"

He may be a bum and he may be a boob,
But it's none of your business if he's even a rube.
He's a human, although he may not look the part,
Either give him some clothes or a good running start.