The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda/Volume 6/Epistles - Second Series/CLVIII Joe
CLVIII
ALAMEDA, CALIFORNIA,
18th April, 1900.
MY DEAR JOE,
Just now I received yours and Mrs. Bull's welcome letter. I direct this to London. I am so glad Mrs. Leggett is on the sure way to recovery.
I am so sorry Mr. Leggett resigned the presidentship.
Well, I keep quiet for fear of making further trouble.
You know my methods are extremely harsh and once roused I may rattle A— too
much for his peace of mind.
I wrote to him only to tell him that his notions about Mrs. Bull are
entirely wrong.
Work is always difficult; pray for me Joe that my works stop for ever, and my whole soul be absorbed in Mother. Her works, She knows.
You must be glad to be in London once more — the old friends, give them all
my love and gratitude.
I am well, very well mentally. I feel the rest of the soul more shall that
of the body. The battles are lost and won, I have bundled my things and am
waiting for the great deliverer.
"Shiva, O Shiva, carry my boat to the other shore."
After all, Joe, I am only the boy who used to listen with rapt wonderment to
the wonderful words of Ramakrishna under the Banyan at Dakshineswar. That is
my true nature; works and activities, doing good and so forth are all
superimpositions. Now I again hear his voice; the same old voice thrilling
my soul. Bonds are breaking — love dying, work becoming tasteless — the
glamour is off life. Only the voice of the Master calling. — "I come Lord, I
come." "Let the dead bury the dead, follow thou Me." — "I come, my beloved
Lord, I come."
Yes, I come. Nirvana is before me. I feel it at times — the same infinite
ocean of peace, without a ripple, a breath.
I am glad I was born, glad I suffered so, glad I did make big blunders, glad
to enter peace. I leave none bound, I take no bonds. Whether this body will
fall and release me or I enter into freedom in the body, the old man is
gone, gone for ever, never to come back again! The guide, the Guru, the
leader, the teacher has passed away; the boy, the student, the servant is
left behind.
You understand why I do not want to meddle with A—. Who am I to meddle with
anyone, Joe? I have long given up my place as a leader — I have no right to
raise my voice. Since the beginning of this year I have not dictated
anything in India. You know that. Many thanks for what you and Mrs. Bull
have been to me in the past. All blessings follow you ever! The sweetest
moments of my life have been when I was drifting: I am drifting again — with
the bright warm sun ahead and masses of vegetation around — and in the heat
everything is so still, so calm — and I am drifting languidly — in the warm
heart of the river! I dare not make a splash with my hands or feet — for
fear of breaking the marvellous stillness, stillness that makes you feel
sure it is an illusion!
Behind my work was ambition, behind my love was personality, behind my purity was fear, behind my guidance the thirst of power! Now they are vanishing, and I drift. I come! Mother, I come! In Thy warm bosom, floating wheresoever Thou takest me, in the voiceless, in the strange, in the wonderland, I come — a spectator, no more an actor.
Oh, it is so calm! My thoughts seem to come from a great, great distance in the interior of my own heart. They seem like rains, distant whispers, and peace is upon every thing, sweet, sweet peace — like that one feels for a few moments just before falling into sleep, when things are seen and felt like shadows — without fear, without love, without emotion. Peace that one feels alone, surrounded with statues and pictures — I come! Lord, I come!
The world is, but not beautiful nor ugly, but as sensations without exciting
any emotion. Oh, Joe, the blessedness of it! Everything is good and
beautiful; for things are all losing their relative proportions to me — my
body among the first. Om That Existence!
I hope great things to come to you all in London and Paris. Fresh joy —
fresh benefits to mind and body.
With love as ever to you and Mrs. Bull,
Yours faithfully,
VIVEKANANDA.