Now lend your lugs, ye benders fine, Wha ken the benefit o' wine, An' ye wha laughin' scud brown ale, Leave jinks a wee, an' hear a tale.
An honest miller won’d in Fife, That had a young and wanton wife, Wha sometimes thol’d the parish priest To mak her man a twa-horn’d beast. He paid right mony visits till her, And, to keep in wi’ Hab the Miller, Endeavour’d aft to mak him happy, Where'er he kend the ale was nappy. Sic condescension in a pastor, Knit Halbert’s love to him the faster: And by his converse, troth ’tis true, Hab learn'd to preach when he was fou. Thus all the three were wonder pleas’d; The wife well serv’d, the man wail eas’d: This grounds his corns, and that did cherish, Himsel wi’ dining round the parish. Bess, the gudewife, thought it nae skaith, Since she was fit, to serve them baith.
When equal is the night and day, And Ceres gives the schools the play, A youth sprung frae a gentle pater, Bred at St Andrew's alma-mater, Ae day gaen hameward, it fell late, And him benighted by the gate: To lie without, pit-mirk did shore him, He coudna see his thumb before him; But clack—clack—clack, he heard a mill, Whilk led him be the lugs theretill. To tak the thread of tale alang, This mill to Halbert did belang; Not less this note your notice claims, The scholar's name was Master James.
Now, smiling Muse, the prelude past, Smoothly relate, a tale shall last As lang as Alps and Grampian hills, As lang as wind or water mills.
In enter'd James, Hab saw and kend him, And offer'd kindly to befriend him Wi' sic good cheer as he cou'd make, Baith for his ain and father's sake. The scholar thought himsel right sped, And gave him thanks in terms well bred. Quoth Hab, I canna leave my mill As yet;———but step ye west the kill A bowshot, and ye'll find my hame: Gae warm ye, and crack wi' our dame ‘Till I set aff the mill, syne we Shall tak what Bessy has to gi’e, James, in return, what’s handsome said, O’er lang to tell, and aff he gade. Out of the house some light did shine, Which led him till’t as wi’ a line.
Arriv’d, he knock’d, for doors were steckit; Straight thro’ a window Bessy keekit, And cries, “Wha’s that gi’es fowk a fright, “At sic untimeous time of night?” James, with good humour maist discreetly, Tauld her his circumstance completely. “I dinna ken ye (quoth the wife), “And up and down the thieves are rife; “Within my lane, I’m but a woman, “Sae I'll unbar my door to nae man: “But since ’tis very like, my dow, “That a’ ye're telling may be true, “Hae, there's a key, gang in your way “At the neist door, there's braw ait strae; “Streek down upon’t, my lad, and learn “They’re no ill lodg’d that get a barn.” Thus, after meikle clitter clatter, James fand he coudna mend the matter. And since it mightna better be, Wi' resignation took the key, Unlock’d the barn—clam up the mou, Where was an opening near the hou, Thro’ which he saw a glent of light, That gae diversion to his sight: By this he quickly coud discern A thin wa’ sep’rate house and barn; And thro’ this rive was in the wa’, A’ done within the house he saw: He saw (what ought not to be seen, And scarce gae credit to his een); The parish priest, of reverend fame, In active courtship with the dame!— To lengthen out description here, Wad but offend the modest ear, And beet the lewder youthfu’ flame That we by satire strive to tame. Suppose the wicked action o’er, And James continuing still to glowr; Wha saw the wife, as fast as able, Spread a clean servit on the table, And syne, frae the ha’ ingle, bring ben A piping het young roasted hen, And twa good bottles stout and clear, Ane of strong ale, and ane of beer.
But wicked luck: just as the priest Shot in his fork in chucky’s breast, Th’ unwelcome miller gae a roar, Cry’d, “Bessy, haste ye, ope the door.”— With that the haly letcher fled, And darn’d himsel behint a bed; While Bessy huddl’d a’ things by, That nought the cuckold might espy; Syne loot him in,—but out of tune, Spier’d why he left the mill sae soon? “I come, said he, as manners claims, “To crack and wait on Master James, “Whilk I shou’d do, tho’ ne’er sae bissy: “I sent him here, gudewife, where is he?” “Ye sent him here! (quo’ Bessy, grumbling) “Kend I this James? A chiel came rumbling; “But how was I assur’d, when dark, “That he had been nae thievish spark, “Or some rude wencher, gotten a dose, “That a weak wife coud ill oppose?” “And what came of him? speak nae langer,” Cries Halbert in a highland anger. “I sent him to the barn,” quoth she. “Gae quickly bring him in,” quoth he.
James was brought in—the wife was bawk’d, The priest stood close—the miller crack’d— Then ask’d his sunken gloomy spouse, What supper had she in the house, That might be suitable to gie Ane of their lodger's quality! Quoth she, “You may well ken, gudeman, “Your feast comes frae the pottage pan: “The stov’d or roasted we afford, “Are aft great strangers on our board.” “Pottage, (quoth Hab) ye senseless taw pie! “Think ye this youth’s a gillygawpy; “And that his gentle stamock’s master “To worry up a pint o’ plaister, “Like our mill knaves that lift the lading, “Whase kytes can streek out like raw plaidin? “Swithe roast a hen; or fry some chickens, “And send for ale frae Maggy Picken’s.” “Hout I, (quoth she) ye may weel ken, “’Tis ill brought butt that’s no there ben; “When but last owk, nae farder gane, “The laird got a’ to pay his kain.”
Then James, wha had as good a guess Of what was in the house as Bess, With pawkie smile, this plea to end, To please himsel, and ease his friend, First open’d wi’ a slee oration His wond’rous skill in conjuration: Said he, “By this fell art I’m able “To whop aff ony great man's table “Whate’er I like to make a meal of, “Either in part, or yet the hale of; “And, if you please, I’ll shaw my airt—” Cries Halbert, “Faith, wi’ a’ my heart!” Bess fain’d hersel,—cried, “Lord be here!” And near hand fell a swoon for fear. James leugh, and bade her naething dread, Syne to his conj’ring went wi’ speed: And first he draws a circle round, Then utters many a magic sound Of words, part Latin, Greek, and Dutch; Enow to fright a very witch. That done, he says, “Now, now, ’tis come, “And in the boal beside the lum: “Now set the board; gudewife, gae ben, “Bring frae yon boal a roasted hen.” She wadna gang, but Haby ventur’d; And soon as he the ambry enter’d, It smell’d sae weel, he short time sought it, And, wond’ring, ’tween his hands he brought it. He view’d it round, and thrice he smelt it; Syne with a gentle touch he felt it. Thus ilka sense he did convene, Lest glamour had beguil’d his een: They all, in an united body, Declar’d it a fine fat how-towdy. “Nae mair about it, (quoth the miller) “The fowl looks well, and we’ll fa’ till her.” Sae be’t, says James; and in a doup They snapt her up baith stoop and roup.
“Neist, O! (cries Halbert) coud your skill “But help us to a waught o’ ale, “I’d be oblig’d t’ ye a’ my life, “And offer to the deil my wife, “To see if he’ll discreeter mak her, “But that I’m fleed he winna tak her” Said James, “Ye offer very fair; “The bargain's hadden, sae nae mair.”
Then thrice he shook a willow wand; With kittle words thrice gave command; That done, wi' look baith learn’d and grave, Said, “Now ye'll get what ye wad have; “Twa bottles of as nappy liquor “As ever ream’d in horn or bicker, “Behint the ark that hauds your meal, “Ye’ll find two standing corkit weel.” He said, and fast the miller flew, And frae their nest the bottles drew; Then first the scholar’s health he toasted, Whase art had gart him feed on roasted; His father’s neist,———and a’ the rest Of his good friends that wish’d him best; Which were o’er langsome at the time, In a short tale to put in rhime.
Thus while the miller and the youth Were blythely slockening of their drouth, Bess, fretting, scarcely held frae greeting; The priest, inclos’d, stood vex’d and sweating.
“O wow! said Hab, if ane might speer, “Dear Master James, wha brought oar cheer? “Sic laits to us appear sae awfu’, “We hardly think your learning lawfu’.”
“To bring your doubts to a conclusion, “Says James, ken I’m a Rosicrusian, “Ane of the set that never carries “On traffic with black deils or fairies; “There’s mony a sp'rit that’s no a deil, “That constantly around us wheel. “There was a sage, call’d Albumazor, “Whase wit was gleg as ony razor; “Frae this great man we learn’d the skill “To bring these gentry to our will; “And they appear, when we’ve a mind, “In ony shape of human kind: “Now, if you’ll drap your foolish fear, “I’ll gar my Pacolet appear.”
Hab fidg’d and leugh, his elbuck clew, Baith fear’d and fond a sp’rit to view: At last his courage wan the day, He to the scholar’s will gae way.
Bessy be this began to smell A rat, but kept her mind to ’rsel: She pray’d like howdy in her drink, But mean time tipt young James a wink. James frae his eye an answer sent, Which made the wife right well content: Then turn’d to Hab, and thus advis’d, “Whatever you see, be nought surpris’d; "But for your saul move not your tongue; "And ready stand wi’ a great rung; “Syne as the sp’rit gangs marching out, “Be sure to lend him a sound rout: “I bidna this by way of mocking, “For nought delights him mair than knocking.”
Hab got a kent—stood by the hallan, And straight the wild mischievous callan Cries, “Radamanthus Husky Mingo, “Monk, Horner, Hipock, Jinko, Jingo, “Appear in likeness of a priest, “No like a deil, in shape o’ beast, “With gaping chaffs to fleg us a’:——— “Wauk forth, the door stands to the wa.”
Then frae the hole where he was pent, The priest approach’d right weel content; Wi’ silent pace strade o’er the floor, ’Till he was drawing near the door; Then to escape the cudgel ran, But was na miss’d by the gudeman, Wha lent him on the neck a lounder, That gart him owre the threshold founder. Darkness soon hid him frae their sight: Ben flew the miller in a fright; “I trow (quoth he) I laid well on; “But wow he’s like our ain Mess John.”
This work was published before January 1, 1929, and is in the public domain worldwide because the author died at least 100 years ago.
