Fashion (Anna Cora Mowatt)/Act V

by Anna Cora Mowatt

ACT V

Scene I

(Mrs. Tiffany's Drawing Room--same Scene as Act 1st. Getrude seated, R. at a table, with her head leaning on her hand; in the other hand she holds a pen. A sheet of paper and an inkstand before her.)

Gertrude

How shall I write to them? What shall I say? Prevaricate I cannot--(rises and comes forward) and yet if I write the truth--simple souls! how can they comprehend the motives for my conduct? Nay--the truly pure see no imaginary evil in others! It is only vice, that, reflecting its own image, suspects even the innocent. I have no time to lose--I must prepare them for my return, (resumes her seat and writes) What a true pleasure there is in daring to be frank! (after writing a few lines more pauses) Not so frank either,--there is one name that I cannot mention. Ah! that he should suspect--should despise me. (writes)

Enter Trueman, L.

Adam Trueman

There she is! If this girl's soul had only been as fair as her face,--yet she dared to speak the truth,--I'll not forget that! A woman who refuses to tell a lie has one spark of heaven in her still. (approaches her) Gertrude,

(Gertrude starts and looks up.)

What are you writing there ? Plotting more mischief, eh, girl?

Gertrude

I was writing a few lines to some friends in Geneva.

Adam Trueman

The Wilsons, eh?

Gertrude

(surprised, rising) Are you acquainted with them, Sir?

Adam Trueman

I shouldn't wonder if I was. I suppose you have taken good care not to mention the dark room--that foreign puppy in the closet--the pleasant surprise--and all that sort of thing, eh?

Gertrude

I have no reason for concealment, Sir! for I have done nothing of which I am ashamed!

Adam Trueman

Then I can't say much for your modesty.

Gertrude

I shouldn't wish you to say more than I deserve.

Adam Trueman

There's a bold minx! (aside)

Gertrude

Since my affairs seem to have excited your interest--I will not say curiosity, perhaps you even feel a desire to inspect my correspondence? There, (handing the letter) I pride myself upon my good nature,--you may like to take advantage of it?

Adam Trueman

With what an air she carries it off! (aside) Take advantage of it? So I will. (reads) What's this? "French chambermaid -- Count--impostor--infatuation--Seraphina--Millinette--disguised myself--expose him." Thunder and lightning! I see it all! Come and kiss me, girl! (Gertrude evinces surprise) No, no--I forgot--it won't do to come to that yet! She's a rare girl! I'm out of my senses with joy! I don't know what to do with myself! Tol, de rol, de rol, de ra! (capers and sings.)

Gertrude

What a remarkable old man! (aside) Then you do me justice, Mr. Trueman?

Adam Trueman

I say I don't! Justice? You're above all dependence upon justice! Hurrah! I've found one true woman at last? True? (pauses thoughtfully) Humph! I didn't think of that flaw! Plotting and manoeuvering--not much truth in that? An honest girl should be above stratagems!

Gertrude

But my motive, Sir, was good.

Adam Trueman

That's not enough--your actions must be good as well as your motives! Why could you not tell the silly girl that the man was an impostor?

Gertrude

I did inform her of my suspicions--she ridiculed them; the plan I chose was an imprudent one, but I could not devise--

Adam Trueman

I hate devising! Give me a woman with the firmness to be frank! But no matter--I had no right to look for an angel out of Paradise; and I am as happy--as happy as a Lord! that is, ten times happier than any Lord ever was! Tol, de rol, de rol! Oh! you--you--I'll thrash every fellow that says a word against you!

Gertrude

You will have plenty of employment then, Sir, for I do not know of one just now who would speak in my favor!

Adam Trueman

Not one, eh? Why, where's your dear Mr. Twinkle? I know all about it--can't say that I admire your choice of a husband! But there's no accounting for a girl's taste.

Gertrude

Mr. Twinkle! Indeed you are quite mistaken!

Adam Trueman

No--really? Then you're not taken with him, eh?

Gertrude

Not even with his rhymes.

Adam Trueman

Hang that old mother meddle-much! What a fool she has made of me. And so you're quite free, and I may choose a husband for you myself? Heart-whole, eh?

Gertrude

I--I--I trust there is--nothing unsound about my heart.

Adam Trueman

There it is again. Don't prevaricate, girl! I tell you an evasion is a lie in contemplation, and I hate lying! Out with the truth! Is your heart free or not?

Gertrude

Nay, Sir, since you demand an answer, permit me to demand by what right you ask the question?

(Enter Howard, L.)

Colonel Howard here!

Adam Trueman

I'm out again! What's the Colonel to her?

(retires up)

Colonel Howard

(crosses to her) I have come, Gertrude, to bid you farewell. To-morrow I resign my I commission and leave this city, perhaps for ever. You, Gertrude, it is you who have exiled me! After last evening--

Adam Trueman

(coming forward C. Howard) What the plague have you got to say about last evening?

Colonel Howard

Mr. Trueman!

Adam Trueman

What have you got to say about last evening? and what have you to say to that little girl at all? It's Tiffany's precious daughter that you're in love with.

Colonel Howard

Miss Tiffany? Never! I never had the slightest pretension--

Adam Trueman

That lying old woman! But I'm glad of it! Oh! Ah! Um! (looking significantly at Gertrude and then at Howard) I see how it is. So you don't choose to marry Seraphina, eh? Well now, whom do you choose to marry? (glancing at Gertrude.)

Colonel Howard

I shall not marry at all!

Adam Trueman

You won't? (looking at them both again) Why you don't mean to say that you don't like-- (points with his thumb to Gertrude.)

Gertrude

Mr. Trueman, I may have been wrong to boast of my good nature, but do not presume too far upon it.

Colonel Howard

You like frankness, Mr. Trueman, therefore I will speak plainly. I have long cherished a dream from which I was last night rudely awakened.

Adam Trueman

And that's what you call speaking plainly? Well, I differ with you! But I can guess what you mean. Last night you suspected Gertrude there of--(angrily) of what no man shall ever suspect her again while I'm above ground! You did her injustice,--it was a mistake! There, now that matter's settled. Go, and ask her to forgive you,---she's woman enough to do it! Go, go!

Colonel Howard

Mr. Trueman, you have forgotten to whom you dictate.

Adam Trueman

Then you won't do it? you wont ask her pardon?

Colonel Howard

Most undoubtedly I will not--not at any man's bidding. I must first, know--

Adam Trueman

You wont do it? Then if I don't give you a lesson in politeness--

Colonel Howard

It will be because you find me your tutor in the same science. I am not a man to brook an insult, Mr. Trueman! but we'll not quarrel in presence of the lady.

Adam Trueman

Won't we? I don't know that--

(crosses R. H.)

Gertrude

Pray, Mr. Trueman--Colonel Howard, (crosses to C) pray desist, Mr. Trueman, for my sake! (taking hold of his arm to hold him back) Colonel Howard, if you will read this letter it will explain everything.

(hands letter to Howard, who reads.)

Adam Trueman

He don't deserve an explanation! Didn't I tell him that it was a mistake? Refuse to beg your pardon! I'll teach him, I'll teach him!

Colonel Howard

(after reading) Gertrude, how have I wronged you!

Adam Trueman

Oh, you'll beg her pardon now? (between them.)

Colonel Howard

Hers, Sir, and yours! Gertrude, I fear--

Adam Trueman

You needn't--she'll forgive you. You don't know these women as well as I do,--they're always ready to pardon; it's their nature, and they cant help it. Come along, I left Antony and his wife in the dining room; we'll go and find them. I've a story of my own to tell! As for you, Colonel, you may follow. Come along, Come along!

(Leads out Gertrude, R., followed by Howard.)

(Enter Mr. and Mrs. Tiffany, L. U. E. Mr. Tiffany with a bundle of bills in his hand.)

Mrs. Tiffany

I beg you won't mention the subject again, Mr. Tiffany. Nothing is more plebeian than a discussion upon economy--nothing more ungenteel than looking over and fretting over one's bills!

Mr. Tiffany

Then I suppose, my dear, it is quite as ungenteel to pay one's bills?

Mrs. Tiffany

Certainly! I hear the ee-light never condescend to do anything of the kind. The honor of their invaluable patronage is sufficient for the persons they employ!

Mr. Tiffany

Patronage then is a newly invented food upon which the working classes fatten? What convenient appetites poor people must have! Now listen, to what I am going to say. As soon as my daughter marries Mr. Snobson--

(Enter Prudence, R., a three-cornered note in her hand.)

Prudence

Oh, dear! oh, dear! what shall we do! Such a misfortune! Such a disaster! Oh, dear! oh, dear!

Mrs. Tiffany

Prudence, you are the most tiresome creature! What is the matter?

Prudence

(pacing up and down the stage) Such a disgrace to the whole family! But I always expected it. Oh, dear! oh, dear!

Mrs. Tiffany

(following her up and down the stage) What are you talking about, Prudence? Will you tell me what has happened?

Prudence

(still pacing, Mrs. Tiffany following) Oh! I can't, I can't! You'll feel so dreadfully! How could she do such a thing! But I expected nothing else! I never did, I never did!

Mrs. Tiffany

(still following) Good gracious! what do you mean, Prudence? Tell me, will you tell me? I shall get into such a passion! What is the matter?

Prudence

(still pacing) Oh, Betsy, Betsy! That your daughter should have come to that! Dear me, dear me!

Mr. Tiffany

Seraphina ? Did you say Seraphina? What has happened to her? What has she done?

(following Prudence up and down the stage on the opposite side from Mrs. Tiffany.)

Mrs. Tiffany

(still following) What has she done? what has she done?

Prudence

Oh something dreadful--dreadful--shocking!

Mr. Tiffany

(still following) Speak quickly and plainly--you torture me by this delay,--Prudence, be calm, and speak! What is it?

Prudence

(stopping) Zeke just told me--he carried her travelling trunk himself--she gave him a whole dollar! Oh, my!

Mr. Tiffany

Her trunk? where? where?

Prudence

Round the corner!

Mrs. Tiffany

What did she want with her trunk? You are the most vexatious creature, Prudence! There is no bearing your ridiculous conduct!

Prudence

Oh, you will have worse to bear--worse! Seraphina's gone!

Mr. Tiffany

Gone! where?

Prudence

Off!--eloped--eloped with the Count! Dear me, dear me! I always told you she would!

Mr. Tiffany

Then I am ruined!

(stands with his face buried in his hands.)

Mrs. Tiffany

Oh, what a ridiculous girl! And she might have had such a splendid wedding! What could have possessed her?

Mr. Tiffany

The devil himself possessed her, for she has ruined me past all redemption! Gone, Prudence, did you say gone? Are you sure they are gone?

Prudence

Didn't I tell you so! Just look at this note--one might know by the very fold of it--

Mr. Tiffany

(snatching the note) Let me see it! (opens the note and reads)

"My dear Ma,--When you receive this I shall be a countess! Isn't it a sweet title? The Count and I were forced to be married privately, for reasons which I will explain in my next. You must pacify Pa, and put him in a good humour before I come back, though now I'm to be a countess I suppose I shouldn't care!" Undutiful hussy! "We are going to make a little excursion and will be back in a week--Your dutiful daughter--Seraphina."

A man's curse is sure to spring up at his own hearth,--here is mine! The sole curb upon that villain gone, I am wholly in his power! Oh! the first downward step from honor--he who takes it cannot pause in his mad descent, and is sure to be hurried on to ruin!

Mrs. Tiffany

Why, Mr. Tiffany, how you do take on! And I dare say to elope was the most fashionable way after all!

(Enter Trueman, R., leading Gertrude, and followed by Howard.)

Adam Trueman

Where are all the folks? Here, Antony--you are the man I want. We've been hunting for you all over the house. Why--what's the matter? There's a face for a thriving city merchant! Ah! Antony, you never wore such a hang-dog look as that when you trotted about the country with your pack upon your back! Your shoulders are no broader now--but they've a heavier load to carry--that's plain!

Mrs. Tiffany

Mr. Trueman, such allusions are highly improper! What would my daughter, the Countess, say!

Gertrude

The Countess? Oh! Madam!

Mrs. Tiffany

Yes, the Countess! My daughter Seraphina, the Countess dee Jolimaitre! What have you to say to that? No wonder you are surprised after your recherchi abimi conduct! I have told you already, Miss Gertrude, that you were not a proper person to enjoy the inestimable advantages of my patronage. You are dismissed--do you understand? Discharged!

Adam Trueman

Have you done? Very well, it's my turn now. Antony, perhaps what I have to say don't concern you as much as some others--but I want you to listen to me. You remember, Antony, (his tone becomes serious), a blue-eyed, smiling girl--

Mr. Tiffany

Your daughter, Sir? I remember her well.

Adam Trueman

None ever saw her to forget her! Give me your hand, man. There--that will do! Now let me go on. I never coveted wealth--yet twenty years ago I found myself the richest farmer in Catteraugus. This cursed money made my girl an object of speculation. Every idle fellow that wanted to feather his nest was sure to come courting Ruth. There was one--my heart misgave me the instant I laid eyes upon him--for he was a city chap, and not over fond of the truth. But Ruth--ah! she was too pure herself to look for guile! His fine words and his fair looks--the old story--she was taken with him--I said, "no"--but the girl liked her own way better than her old father's--girls always do! and one morning--the rascal robbed me--not of my money, he would have been welcome to that--but of the only treasure I cherished--my daughter!

Mr. Tiffany

But you forgave her!

Adam Trueman

I did! I knew she would never forgive herself--that was punishment enough! The scoundrel thought he was marrying my gold with my daughter--he was mistaken! I took care that they should never want; but that was all. She loved him--what will not woman love? The villain broke her heart--mine was tougher, or it wouldn't have stood what it did. A year after they were married,--he forsook her! She came back to her old home--her old father! It couldn't last long--she pined--and pined--and--then--she died! Don't think me an old fool--though I am one--for grieving won't bring her back. (bursts into tears.)

Mr. Tiffany

It was a heavy loss!

Adam Trueman

So heavy, that I should not have cared how soon I followed her, but for the child she left! As I pressed that child in my arms, I swore that my unlucky wealth should never curse it, as it had cursed its mother! It was all I had to love--but I sent it away--and the neighbors thought it was dead. The girl was brought up tenderly but humbly by my wife's relatives in Geneva. I had her taught true independence--she had hands--capacities--and should use them! Money should never buy her a husband! for I resolved not to claim her until she had made her choice, and found the man who was willing to take her for herself alone. She turned out a rare girl! and it's time her old grandfather claimed her. Here he is to do it! And there stands Ruth's child! Old Adam's heiress! Gertrude, Gertrude!--my child!

(Gertrude rushes into his arms.)

Prudence

(After a pause) Do tell; I want to know! But I knew it! I always said Gertrude would turn out somebody, after all!

Mrs. Tiffany

Dear me! Gertrude an heiress! My dear Gertrude, I always thought you a very charming girl--quite you-nick--an heiress! I must give her a ball! I'll introduce her into society myself--of course an heiress must make a sensation! (aside)

Colonel Howard

I am too bewildered even to wish her joy. Ah! there will be plenty to do that now--but the gulf between us is wider than ever. (aside)

Adam Trueman

Step forward, young man, and let us know what you are muttering about. I said I would never claim her until she had found the man who loved her for herself. I have claimed her--yet I never break my word--I think I have found that man! and here he is. (strikes Howard on the shoulder) Gertrude's yours! There--never say a word, man--don't bore me with your thanks--you can cancel all obligations by making that child happy! There--take her!--Well, girl, and what do you say?

Gertrude

That I rejoice too much at having found a parent for my first act to be one of disobedience!

(gives her hand to Howard.)

Adam Trueman

How very dutiful! and how disinterested!

(Tiffany retires up--and paces the stage, exhibiting great agitation.)

Prudence

(to Trueman) All the single folks are getting married!

Adam Trueman

No they are not. You and I are single folks, and we're not likely to get married.

Mrs. Tiffany

My dear Mr. Trueman--my sweet Gertrude, when my daughter, the Countess, returns, she will be delighted to hear of this deenooment! I assure you that the Countess will be quite charmed!

Gertrude

The Countess? Pray Madam where is Seraphina?

Mrs. Tiffany

The Countess dee Jolimaitre, my dear, is at this moment on her way to--to Washington! Where after visiting all the fashionable curiosities of the day--including the President--she will return to grace her native city!

Gertrude

I hope you are only jesting, Madam? Seraphina is not married?

Mrs. Tiffany

Excuse me, my dear, my daughter had this morning the honor of being united to the Count dee Jolimaitre!

Gertrude

Madam! He is an impostor!

Mrs. Tiffany

Good gracious! Gertrude, how can you talk in that disrespectful way of a man of rank? An heiress, my dear, should have better manners! The Count--

(Enter Millinette, R., crying.)

Millinette

Oh! Madame! I will tell everyting--oh! dat monstre. He break my heart!

Mrs. Tiffany

Millinette, what is the matter?

Millinette

Oh! he promise to marry me--I love him much--and now Zeke say he run away vid Mademoiselle Seraphina!

Mrs. Tiffany

What insolence! The girl is mad! Count Jolimaitre marry my femmy de chamber!

Millinette

Oh! Madame, he is not one Count, not at all! Dat is only de title he go by in dis country. De foreigners always take de large title ven dey do come here. His name ` Paris vas Gustave Tread-mill. But he not one Frenchman at all, but he do live one long time ` Paris. First he live vid Monsieur Vermicelle--dere he vas de head cook! Den he live vid Monsieur Tire-nez, de barber ! After dat he live vid Monsieur le Comte Frippon-fin--and dere he vas le Comte's valet! Dere, now I tell everyting I feel one great deal better!

Mrs. Tiffany

Oh! good gracious! I shall faint! Not a Count! What will every body say? It's no such thing! I say he is a Count! One can see the foreign jenny says quoi in his face! Don't you think I can tell a Count when I see one? I say he is a Count!

(Enter Snobson, L., his hat on--his hands thrust in his pocket--evidently a little intoxicated.)

Snobson

I won't stand it! I say I won't!

Mr. Tiffany

(rushing up to him) Mr. Snobson, for heaven's sake-- (aside)

Snobson

Keep off! I'm a hard customer to get the better of! You'll see if I don't come out strong!

Adam Trueman

(quietly knocking off Snobson's hat with his stick) Where are your manners, man?

Snobson

My business ain't with you, Catteraugus; you've waked up the wrong passenger!--Now the way I'll put it into Tiff will be a caution. I'll make him wince! That extra mint julep has put the true pluck in me. Now for it! (aside) Mr. Tiffany, Sir--you needn't think to come over me, Sir--you'll have to get up a little earlier in the morning before you do that, Sir! I'd like to know, Sir, how you came to assist your daughter in running away with that foreign-loafer? It was a downright swindle, Sir. After the conversation I and you had on that subject she wasn't your property, Sir.

Adam Trueman

What, Antony is that the way your city clerk bullies his boss?

Snobson

You're drunk, Catteraugus--don't expose yourself--you're drunk! Taken a little too much toddy, my old boy! Be quiet! I'll look after you, and they won't find it out. If you want to be busy, you may take care of my hat--I feel so deuced weak in the chest; I don't think I could pick it up myself.--Now to put the screws to Tiff. (aside) Mr. Tiffany, Sir--you have broken your word, as no virtuous individual--no honorable member--of--the com--mu--ni--ty--

Mr. Tiffany

Have some pity, Mr. Snobson, I beseech you! I had nothing to do with my daughter's elopement! I will agree to anything you desire--your salary shall be doubled--trebled-- (aside to him.)

Snobson

(aloud) No you don't. No bribery and corruption.

Mr. Tiffany

I implore you to be silent. You shall become partner of the concern, if you please--only do not speak. You are not yourself at this moment. (aside to him.)

Snobson

Ain't I though. I feel twice myself. I feel like two Snobsons rolled into one, and I'm choke full of the spunk of a dozen! Now Mr. Tiffany, Sir--

Mr. Tiffany

I shall go distracted! Mr. Snobson, if you have one spark of manly feeling--(aside to him.)

Adam Trueman

Antony, why do you stand disputing with that drunken jackass? Where's your nigger? Let him kick the critter out, and be of use for once in his life.

Snobson

Better be quiet, Catteraugus. This ain't your hash, so keep your spoon out of the dish. Don't expose yourself, old boy.

Adam Trueman

Turn him out, Anthony!

Snobson

He daren't do it! Ain't I up to him? Ain't he in my power? Can't I knock him into a cocked hat with a word? And now he's got my steam up--I will do it!

Mr. Tiffany

(beseechingly) Mr. Snobson--my friend--

Snobson

It's no go--steam's up--and I don't stand at anything!

Adam Trueman

You won't stand here long unless you mend your manners--you're not the first man I've upset because be didn't know his place.

Snobson

I know where Tiff's place is, and that's in the States' Prison! It's bespoke already. He would have it! He wouldn't take pattern of me, and behave like a gentleman! He's a forger, Sir!

(Tiffany throws himself into a chair in an attitude of despair; the others stand transfixed with astonishment.)

He's been forging Dick Anderson's endorsements of his notes these ten months. He's got a couple in the bank that will send him to the wall any how--if he can't make a raise. I took them there myself! Now you know what he's worth. I said I'd expose him, and I have done it!

Mrs. Tiffany

Get out of the house! You ugly, little, drunken brute, get out! It's not true. Mr. Trueman, put him out; you have got a stick---put him out!

(Enter Seraphina, L., in her bonnet and shawl--a parasol in her hand.)

Seraphina Tiffany

I hope Zeke hasn't delivered my note.

(stops in surprise at seeing the persons assembled.)

Mrs. Tiffany

Oh, here is the Countess! (advances to embrace her.)

Mr. Tiffany

(starting from his seat, and seizing Seraphina violently by the arm) Are--you--married?

Seraphina Tiffany

Goodness, Pa, how you frighten me! No, I'm not married, quite.

Mr. Tiffany

Thank heaven.

Mrs. Tiffany

(drawing Seraphina aside, L.) What's the matter? Why did you come back?

Seraphina Tiffany

The clergyman wasn't at home--I came back for my jewels--the Count said nobility couldn't get on without them.

Mr. Tiffany

I may be saved yet! Seraphina, my child, you will not see me disgraced--ruined! I have been a kind father to you--at least I have tried to be one--although your mother's extravagance made a madman of me! The Count is an impostor--you seemed to like him--(pointing to Snobson) Heaven forgive me! (aside) Marry him and save me. You, Mr. Trueman, you will be my friend in this hour of extreme need--you will advance the sum which I require--I pledge myself to return it. My wife--my child--who will support them were I--the thought makes me frantic! You will aid me? You had a child yourself.

Adam Trueman

But I did not sell her--it was her own doings. Shame on you, Antony! Put a price on your own flesh and blood! Shame on such foul traffic!

Mr. Tiffany

Save me--I conjure you--for my father's sake.

Adam Trueman

For your father's son's sake I will not aid you in becoming a greater villain than you are!

Gertrude

(C.) Mr. Trueman--Father, I should say--save him--do not embitter our happiness by permitting this calamity to fall upon another--

Adam Trueman

Enough--I did not need your voice, child. I am going to settle this matter my own way.

(Goes up to Snobson--who has seated himself and fallen asleep--tilts him out of the chair.)

Snobson

(waking up) Eh? Where's the fire? Oh! it's you, Catteraugus.

Adam Trueman

If I comprehend aright, you have been for some time aware of your principal's forgeries?

(as he says this, he beckons to Howard, C., who advances as witness.)

Snobson

You've hit the nail, Catteraugus! Old chap saw that I was up to him six months ago; left off throwing dust into my eyes--

Adam Trueman

Oh, he did!

Snobson

Made no bones of forging Anderson's name at my elbow.

Adam Trueman

Forged at your elbow? You saw him do it?

Snobson

I did.

Adam Trueman

Repeatedly?

Snobson

Re--pea--ted--ly.

Adam Trueman

Then you, Rattlesnake, if he goes to the States' Prison, you'll take up your quarters there too. You are an accomplice, an accessory!

(Truemanwalks away and seats himself, R. Howard rejoins Gertrude. Snobsob stands for some, time bewildered.)

Snobson

The deuce, so I am! I never thought of that! I must make myself scarce. I'll be off! Tif, I say Tif! (going up to him and speaking confidentially) that drunken old rip has got us in his power. Let's give him the slip and be off. They want men of genius at the West,--we're sure to get on! You--you can set up for a writing master, and teach copying signatures; and I--I'll give lectures on temperance! You won't come, eh? Then I'm off without you. Goodbye, Catteraugus! Which is the way to California? (steals off, L.)

Adam Trueman

There's one debt your city owes me. And now let us see what other nuisances we can abate. Antony, I'm not given to preaching, I therefore I shall not say much about what you have done. Your face speaks for itself,--the crime has brought its punishment along with it.

Mr. Tiffany

Indeed it has, Sir! In one year I have lived a century of misery.

Adam Trueman

I believe you, and upon one condition I will assist you--

Mr. Tiffany

My friend--my first, ever kind friend,--only name it!

Adam Trueman

You must sell your house and all these gewgaws, and bundle your wife and daughter off to the country. There let them learn economy, true independence, and home virtues, instead of foreign follies. As for yourself, continue your business--but let moderation, in future, be your counsellor, and let honesty be your confidential clerk.

Mr. Tiffany

Mr. Trueman, you have made existence once more precious to me! My wife and daughter shall quit the city to-morrow, and--

Prudence

It's all coming right! It's all coming right! We'll go to the county of Catteraugus.

(walking up to Trueman.)

Adam Trueman

No you won't,--I make that a stipulation, Antony; keep clear of Catteraugus. None of your fashionable examples there!

(Jolimaitre appears, L. H. 3 E., in the Conservatory and peeps into the room unperceived.)

Count Jolimaitre

What can detain Seraphina? We ought to be off!

Millinette

(turns round, perceives him, runs and forces him into the room) Here he is!. Ah, Gustave, mon cher Gustave! I have you now and we never part no more. Don't frown, Gustave, don't frown--

Adam Trueman

Come forward, Mr. Count! and for the edification of fashionable society confess that you're an impostor.

Count Jolimaitre

An impostor? Why, you abominable old--

Adam Trueman

Oh, your feminine friend has told us all about it, the cook--the valet--barber and all that sort of thing. Come, confess, and something may be done for you.

Count Jolimaitre

Well, then, I do confess I am no count; but really, ladies and gentlemen, I may recommend myself as the most capital cook.

Mrs. Tiffany

Oh, Seraphina!

Seraphina Tiffany

Oh, Ma! (they embrace and retire up.)

Adam Trueman

Promise me to call upon the whole circle of your fashionable acquaintances with your own advertisements and in your cook's attire, and I will set you up in business to-morrow. Better turn stomachs than turn heads!

Millinette

But you will marry me?

Count Jolimaitre

Give us your hand, MIllinette! Sir, command me for the most delicate pati--the daintiest croquette la royale--the most transcendent omelette soufflie that ever issued from a French pastry-cook's oven. I hope you will pardon my conduct, but I heard that in America, where you pay homage to titles while you profess to scorn them--where Fashion makes the basest coin current--where you have no kings, no princes, no nobility--

Adam Trueman

Stop there! I object to your use of that word. When justice is found only among lawyers--health among physicians--and patriotism among politicians, then may you say that there is no nobility where there are no titles! But we have kings, princes, and nobles, in abundance--of Nature's stamp, if not of Fashion's,--we have honest men, warm hearted and brave, and we have women--gentle, fair, and true, to whom no title could add nobility.

Epilogue

Prudence

I told you so! And now you hear and see. I told you Fashion would the fashion be!

Adam Trueman

Then both its point and moral I distrust.

Count Jolimaitre

Sir, is that liberal?

Colonel Howard

Or is it just?

Adam Trueman

The guilty have escaped!

Mr. Tiffany

Is, therefore, sin made charming? Ah! there's punishment within! Guilt ever carries his own scourge along.

Gertrude

Virtue her own reward!

Adam Trueman

You're right, I'm wrong.

Mrs. Tiffany

How we have been deceived!

Prudence

I told you so.

Seraphina Tiffany

To lose at once a title and a beau!

Count Jolimaitre

A count no more, I'm no more of account.

Adam Trueman

But to a nobler title you may mount, and be in time--who knows ?--an honest man!

Count Jolimaitre

Eh, Millinette?

Millinette

Oh, oui,--I know you can!

Gertrude

(to audience) But, ere we close the scene, a word with you,--

We charge you answer,--Is this picture true?

Some little mercy to our efforts show,

Then let the world your honest verdict know.

Here let it see portrayed its ruling passion,

And learn to prize at its just value--Fashion.

Disposition of the characters

R. Count. Millinette. Howard. Gertrude. Trueman.

Mrs. Tiffany. Tiffany. Seraphina. Prudence.

The End.