A Watch That "Wanted Cleaning"

by James Thomas Fields

I think I never saw a person who needed renewal of garments in a more pronounced degree than the gaunt individual I encountered a few weeks ago in Omaha. We met casually on the upland overlooking Council Bluffs, whither I had gone for a morning walk in that city of newness and hospitality. The man was sitting on the stump of a recently beheaded tree, regarding a watch, and listened to for a sign of life from its inner apartments. When he saw me approaching he rose up and asked for "the time o' day." As I had only "Boston time," and that was of no use so far "out West," he sighed, again shook the unresponsive article in his hand, and spoke as follows:—"This 'ere watch, stranger, 's a puzzler. Some things the matter with 'er. I've seen a good-dle of trouble in my day, but nothin' at all like this afore. In my younger days I once had a personal difficulty with a bear, but that was fun compared to this affliction."

Noticing a settled grief on the poor fellow's soiled and sunken countenance, I sat down beside him on the ample resting-place he had chosen, and made inquiry as to the cause of his untimely sorrow. After a brief pause he thus unburdened himself:—"Stranger, if you was in the watch line, we'd have nothing to do with one another; but as you ain't, I don't mind givin' you 'er history, which you'll allow is somewhat discouragin'. I bought 'er two months ago in She-cargo for sixteen dollars down and five dollars in poultry. I had 'er of a fine-lookin' man who keeps jewillry on the sidewalk down by the Palmer House. He was a perfect gentleman in appearance, wore studs himself, and his conversation was high-toned. He said he was a member in reg'lar standin' of more'n fifty churches in various parts of the United States where he traded. He said he set his life by the watch, but would part with 'er if he was shore the man he sold 'er to was a moral man, and would take good care of 'er. He said she was wunst the property of a particular friend o' hisn, one o' the craowned heads o' Ure-up, but the king was obleeged to sell 'er on accoaunt of a change in his circumstarnces. He said there was more'n two hundred jewills in 'er which was invisible to the naked eye. Waal, to make a long story short, I negoshated for 'er on the spot, and I 'member just as well as if't was yisterday, he said she wouldn't warnt cleanin' ef I car'd 'er in mur pocket, keerful, for twenty year.

"So, ye see, I took 'er 'long to Rock Island on the Mississippi, where I live, but she seemed to go on the jump all the way down. Waal, I carried 'er into Jason's one day, and asked him to give a look into 'er insides, and tell me, ef he could, what made 'er act so. He screwed his old glass into the right eye, and arter a while he laid 'er down on the coaunter, and says he, 'She's a powerful good watch, but she warnts cleanin'! When I heerd that, I was dumbfounded. Says I, 'She was cleaned all over last week.' Says he, 'That may be, but she's full o' dirt naow. It's dusty this fall,' says he, 'and some on it's got into 'er.' Waal, I thoguht it all over, and said he might go to work on 'er next day; and he charged me tew dollars and fifty cents for cleanin' on 'er aout. Pooty soon I had to go off to Aurory, and she begun to act quair agin. So I took 'er into a watchmaker's there, and asked him to fling his eye round, and see what ailed 'er. Waal, he did, for ez much as five minits, and then says he, 'She's a fust-rate watch, but she warnts cleanin'!' Says I (and I couldn't help gittin' riled then), 'She's bin cleaning aout twice lately, and that's a fact.' 'Waal,' says he, 'I never seed a dirtier, and if she ain't 'tended to, double quick, in twenty-four hours she'll bust of 'er own accord, and fly all to pieces, and never go agin.' This illarmed me, nat'rally, and so I told him to strip 'er and go to work with his toothbrush and things, and I'd pay him what was right. So he did, and he sot down on me for one seventy-give, and one fifty for what he called inside-entle expenses. Waal, she went ellygant all the way on to Milwaukee, but the fust night I got thar she begun to hitch and sputter to that extent I run over to a watchmaker, early in the mornin', for assistance. Waal, he turned 'er over three or four times, and kind o' smiled at the rumblin' inside on 'er. Then he looked thoughtful and pried 'er open. Says I, Enny thing serious?' Says he,—and his reply run through me like a fawk,—says he, 'She's a remarkable good timepiece, but she warnts cleanin'! Waal, to make an end to mur story, I had 'er put through his mill, and some o' his ile slung into 'er. He said 't was such a ugly job (I told him when he took 'er in hand to be careful o' the invisible jewills), that his bill would be four dollars and ten cents, the ten cents bein' for fingerin' careful round the reubies and things. Waal, Sir, she cut up agin last night, and I stept in to Cross & Jones's, and asked their young man to ixamine 'er parts, and pronoaunce upon 'er. Waal, he rubbed in his magnifying-glass, and screwtenized 'er, and says he, 'That's the most valuable watch I ever seed inside o' Omaha, but she warnts cleanin' most —y!' When I heard that, I expressed myself like a disgusted night-hawk, and snatched 'er aout o' his hands, and brought 'er raound here to ponder over. What I wish ti inquire is, Stranger (and I ask for information), how many times a watch thet's full o' invisible jewills has to be cleaned aout in the course o' two months? I never owned one afore, but if the jewills nee-sessiates that expense, as I'm a pore man, hadn't I better have 'em punched aout, don't you think?"

And I advised him to have the "jewills" removed immediately, and sold in Europe for the most they would bring.