Advice to Young Ladies/Chapter 21
Chapter XXI.
Conclusion.
It would have been an easy matter to have said much more than we have said on each of the topics discussed in this book, and to have introduced others. But if, in matters of primary interest, we have correct views, these will guide us in all things subordinate. Right thinking, as we stated in the outset, is the basis of all right action; and it is therefore much better to learn to think right than to burden the memory with modes of action in which no principle of right is clearly perceived.
In the beginning, we called especial attention to the necessity of acting from a religious principle, as the only means of becoming truly useful and truly happy. We showed in the chapter on marriage, that the end gives quality to the act. This is as true of one act as of another. The dictates of common politeness prompt to a regard for the comfort and pleasure of others; but the end that governs in mere politeness is a selfish one, for it is grounded in a love of reputation, or a wish to be thought well-bred, and does not flow from a desire for the good of another. But a religious principle is a sincere desire for another’s good, based upon a denial of mere selfish feelings, because they are seen to be evil, and opposed to the divine laws which were originally written upon the heart, and which prompted every one to seek the good of his neighbor. To act, therefore, from religious principles, is to act from the highest, purest, and best end that can influence a human being—an end that will surely lead to true usefulness and happiness.
Where religious principles govern any one, the danger of committing important errors is very small; for selfishness, which always blinds and deceives, is subordinate, and the wish to do good to others uppermost in the mind. Every act is then well considered, lest its effect be injurious to another, or entail disabilities upon the actor that will prevent him from discharging, at some future period, his duties to others, which would be to wrong them.
To one who is inexperienced in life, and who feels that the most desirable thing in the world is the gratification of her own wishes and the seeking freely her own pleasures, there is nothing attractive in the idea of regarding the good of others in all she does. This seems to her like giving up every thing that makes life desirable. But she has yet to learn the meaning of this divine law, that “it is more blessed to give than to receive.” She has yet to have her mind opened to the higher truth, that in seeking to make others happy, there is a delight inconceivably beyond what is to be found in any mere selfish and exclusive regard for our own happiness. Indeed, happiness is a thing that, when sought for as an end, never comes. It is not a positive something that the mind can seek for and find, but a consequence that flows from good actions. Idle pleasure-seeking is, therefore, a vain and worse than useless employment. It disappoints the expectations, and leaves the mind restless and dissatisfied. But a diligent and faithful performance, every day, of what the hands and intellect find to do, brings with it a heartfelt reward, a deep satisfaction. Thus diligently to perform our every-day duties, because to neglect them would be to injure others, at the same time that we look to the Giver of all good for ability to enable us faithfully to do what is right, is to act from a religious, because an unselfish, principle. That which separates us from God, and produces all the mental disorders under which we labor, is selfishness. There is no means of returning to God, and to true order, except by denying self; and this we do when we seek, in all the various relations of life, to discharge our duties for the sake of good to others. Of ourselves we cannot act from this high motive; it comes from God, who alone is good, and from whom all good flows. But we can shun the evil of selfishness, by denying it the gratification of its inordinate desires, and compelling ourselves faithfully to do whatever useful thing comes in our way; and then the love of doing good will flow into our minds, and we shall feel a higher delight than ever before thrilled through our bosoms.
A woman, from the time she steps forth upon the stage of life, is surrounded by the means of being useful to and doing good to others. She need not go out of her way to seek for objects to benefit. She need not lay down plans of usefulness that extend beyond the circle of her every-day domestic life. All around her are clustered the means of doing good to others; and one would think that a harder struggle were required to turn from them than to enter diligently into the use of these means. How much good may not a sister do among her brothers and sisters! There is not a day, nor an hour in the day, that she may not, by some act or word, do a lasting good. In the divine providence she is thus placed, with ability in the midst of those who need the exercise of her ability to do them good. She is thus placed, in order that she may do them good. In like circumstances, Providence provided those who could guide and instruct her, and minister to her wants. If, instead of faithfully performing her duty, she seek rather her own pleasures, she acts from a selfish and debasing end, that, while it does wrong to others, leaves her own mind unsatisfied or positively unhappy, but if, from a love of these little ones, or a sense of her duty to them, she supply their wants, and do all in her power to elevate their thoughts and affections, and lead them to good, she will experience an inward peace and satisfaction that will be felt as a sufficient reward.
To her mother, the grown-up, unmarried daughter may, if she will, prove a comfort and a blessing. She can lighten her cares by assuming many of them herself; she can become her sympathizing friend and companion, and warm her heart with the sweet consciousness of being loved by her child with that genuine affection that ever seeks to bless its object. It is a painful sight to see a daughter manifesting indifference towards her mother, and seeming to think of her only when she wants some service. The unselfishness of a mother’s love—its untiring devotion—its anxious care—merit a better reward. If love prompt not a young lady to think of her mother and seek to do her good, let a sense of duty compel her to act with due consideration towards her, and she will soon find that to be a pleasure which at first seemed irksome, and wonder at the selfishness of her heart that could have made her indifferent towards one who has so many claims upon her love and gratitude. Whenever we compel ourselves to do right, we come into new and better states, and are then enabled to persevere in well-doing from the warmth of a genuine affection, rather than from a coercive sense of duty. This truth should be laid up in the memory of every young lady; it will encourage her to well-doing even under the disheartening sense of a want of high and generous motives, which we all sometimes feel.
To her companions every young lady has a duty to perform, which she will fail to do, unless governed by a religious principle. It is a very easy thing, in our associations with others, to think only of ourselves. To this we are all naturally inclined. But to do so, is to be unjust; for when we think only of our own pleasures and our own interests, we are sure to seek them at the expense of the pleasures and interests of others. This is the inevitable result of all selfish action. It is impossible for us to act in society without in some way affecting others, and according to the ends which govern us will be the quality of our acts. If we have a generous regard for others in what we do, we shall be sure to make others happy; but if only a regard for ourselves, we shall as certainly, in something, trespass upon the rights or feelings of others. In the society of her light-hearted friends, a young lady will often find herself tempted to say, or respond affirmatively to, a disparaging word of an absent one; or she will feel disposed, from not wishing to disturb the self-complacency of a friend, to hear unfavorable things said of another that she knows are untrue, and which a single remark from her can correct; or she may have an eager desire to secure some good to herself, at the expense of bitter disappointment in one less able to bear it than herself. In fact, there are a hundred ways in which the well-being, good name, or happiness of another is placed in her hands, and which she will be tempted to sacrifice. We need not say what her duty is under such circumstances. The higher and better perceptions of every one will point to that.
As year after year passes by, a young lady will be brought into circumstances of closer and closer relationship with others, until at length she finds herself occupying the important position of a wife and mother, in which every act of her life, and almost every thought and word, must necessarily have either a good or a bad effect upon others. Self-denial and regard for the good of others she is now more than ever called upon to exercise; and in their exercise she can alone find true peace of mind. All turning of thought inward upon self as an object of primary consideration, all looking to the attainment of selfish ends and selfish gratification, will react upon her with a disturbing force; for she cannot do this without interfering in some way with the comfort or happiness of those in whose comfort and happiness her own is inextricably involved. The mother who neglects her child in the eager pursuit of some phantom of pleasure, or for the attainment of ease, will make that child unhappy, and herself doubly so; for she can no more expel from her mind a consciousness of having wronged that child, than she can prevent being disturbed by the evidences of her neglect. The same will be true if she think more of her own ease and pleasure than she does of her husband’s comfort. He cannot but feel this want of true consideration for him both in mind and person; and he will certainly exhibit what he feels in a way to disturb the self-complacency of his wife, even though his regard for her may be so strong as to make him careful not to do so intentionally.
Thus, in any and all positions where a woman is placed, she will find that only in a faithful discharge of life’s varied duties, from a regard to the good of others, is there any true happiness; for this is to act from a religious principle. To act thus brings more than an earthly reward; by such a life, she is prepared for heavenly felicities, which consist alone in the delight that springs from doing good. In heaven no one thinks of self, nor seeks his own gratification; but all, from genuine love, seek the good of others, and their happiness consists in the delight that springs from the attainment of their ends. If we wish to come into a heavenly society at death, we must act from heavenly principles here. There is no other way. This is the straight and narrow path that leads to eternal felicity, and all who wish to gain that desirable state must walk therein.
And now, in conclusion, we beg of our fair young friends to lay deeply to heart the matters contained in this book, and to strive in all things to act from those godlike principles of love to others that were at first written on the human heart by the Creator. Every act of our lives affects some one either for good or for evil. We are constantly lending an impulse to the great effort in human society to return to true order and happiness, or retarding its movements. Of course, the effects of our actions are not limited to the individuals who first feel them, nor to the time in which we live. Our act is felt and reproduced with a greater or diminished force by the one who receives it. If we help others in the development of good principles, we give them power to do good that may effect beneficially hundreds, yea, thousands. There is no telling where the widening circle of influence may stop. And the same is true when by our acts we strengthen or force into activity the evil qualities which any one has inherited.
From this it may be seen how great is the responsibility resting upon each one of us, and how much good or evil we may do in our way through life.