Advice to Young Ladies/Chapter 3
Chapter III.
Entering upon Life.
The first important era in the life of a young maiden is when she finally leaves school. This is the time when she begins to think for herself, and is left in more than ordinary freedom to act for herself Up to this period, she has lived in obedience to her parents, guardians, or teachers, in all things. She has gone to school, and pursued her studies there under the entire direction of others, submitting her will and her judgment to the will and judgment of others, as older and wiser than herself For years, her mind has been fully occupied with the various branches of knowledge which it has been deemed by others right that she should acquire. But now, books of instruction are laid aside; the strict rules of the seminary are no longer observed; the mind that has been for a long time active in the pursuits of knowledge sinks into repose.
This, which we have called the first important era in a woman’s life, may, with justice, be rather called the most important era in her life; for her whole future life will be affected by whatever is right or wrong in her conduct, and mode of thinking and living, at this period. The habits of order and study which existed while at school were not properly her own, for they were merely the result of obedience to laws prescribed by others; but now, acting in freedom, whatever she does is from herself, and stamps itself permanently upon the impressible substance of her forming character. If she, from natural indolence, sink into idleness and self-indulgence, she will be in danger of forming a habit that will go with her through life; but if, from a sense of duty to herself and others, she still occupy all her time, and all the powers of her mind, in doing or acquiring something, she will gradually gain strength and force of character, as her mind expands, and take, as a woman, in a few years, a woman’s true position of active use in her appropriate sphere.
Up to the time of her leaving school, a young girl may be excused for acting from either impulse or obedience. But now she must begin to think, and her wisest thoughts will be on the subject of life and its requirements. If she do not think now, and act from an enlightened reason, let her be well assured that the time will come when she will be compelled to think; but alas! when thought will avail but little in correcting some fatal error committed for want of thought, the effects of which will run parallel with her whole life.
First of all, let education and its design form the subject of a young girl’s sober reflections, after leaving school and returning into the bosom of her family. She will not be long in arriving at this most important conclusion, that the use of the education she has received is to enable her to perform well the various duties of life, although she may not be able to see how all the branches to which she has applied herself can be made available to this end. By a very natural transition of thought, she will be led to consider the present, and to ask herself if she have not something to do in the present. The result of this will be the discovery, that, much as she has learned, her education is very far from being complete, and that, to fit her for a life of active usefulness,—the only true and only happy life,—she has much yet to learn in the process of bringing down her skill and information into every-day uses and pursuits; nay, more, that she has new knowledge to gain, and new skill to acquire, that call for continued patience, industry, and perseverance. But in all she will find this difference,—Before, there was abstract acquirement for the sake of the skill and the knowledge; but now, both skill and knowledge are ever flowing out into effects. She has not only the task of acquiring, but the delight of doing, and this is life’s highest delight.
But we will be more particular and familiar. On leaving school, where all has been order, promptness, and industry, a young lady will find herself, as we have said, in great danger of sinking into indolence and inactivity. She will find, at first, little or nothing to do. Her mother has been so long in the regular routine of domestic duties, that she does not think of assigning any portion of them to her daughter. She continues to rise early and sit up late, while her daughter remains late in bed, and, wearied with a day of tiresome inactivity, retires early at night. It too often happens, in cases of this kind, that the daughter is either too indolent, or indifferent towards her mother, to step forward and lighten her care and labor by taking a portion of it upon herself. Or it may be that her neglect to do so arises from want of proper reflection. Her duty, however, is a very plain one, and needs only to be hinted at, to cause every right-feeling daughter not only to see it, but at once to enter upon its due performance.
There are several reasons why a young lady should, on leaving school, engage actively in domestic duties. One has already been stated. Another reason is to be found in the fact, that, sooner or later, she will, in all probability, be at the head of a family, when the health, comfort, and happiness of those best beloved by her will depend upon her knowledge of household and domestic economy. This knowledge can only be gained by practical experience. A man, when he marries, is expected to be master of some business, trade, or profession, by which he can earn sufficient money to maintain his wife and family in comfort; and a woman, when she marries, is expected to be able to take charge of her husband’s household, and do her part with as much skill and industry as he does his. That this latter is not always the case, is much to be regretted. But few, very few young ladies, at the time of their marriage, know any thing about domestic economy. Not one in ten can bake a loaf of good bread, or cook a dinner. In fact, their ignorance on these subjects is a matter, ordinarily, more of pride than shame. We have over and over again heard young ladies boast of their deficiencies on these points, in a way to make it plainly apparent that such deficiency was considered by them as meritorious, instead of censurable. If to be useful—if to be able to make our best and dearest friends comfortable and happy—be disgraceful, then we can understand why such ignorance is a matter of pride, but on no other supposition.
A singular error prevails to a very great extent, that there is something degrading in useful domestic employments. Some young ladies would almost as lief be detected in a falsehood, as discovered by their young acquaintances, especially of the other sex, in the performance of any household duty. It is no unusual thing to see them with ornamental needle-work in their hands; but you can never find them making a garment, or doing any work that is really needed in the family. The former is a pleasing pastime, but the latter is something useful, and the useful is esteemed vulgar and common, and, if engaged in at all, must be done so secretly that no one will have a suspicion of the fact.
Besides engaging in, and becoming thoroughly conversant with, domestic affairs, there is another matter which every young woman should seriously consider, be her condition in life what it may. In this country, more than in any other, mutability is stamped upon the form and features of society. The rich man of to-day is the poor man of to-morrow, and the poor man of to-day the rich man of to-morrow. There is no permanence, no stability. A man may count his thousands—may lay his hand firmly upon his wealth, and be sure of holding it in a firm grasp; but in a few years his gold has all melted away like snow-wreaths in the sunshine. Why this is so, is not the question now to be discussed. The fact, is the thing that demands most serious consideration. No woman can know at what period of her life reverses may overtake those upon whom she is dependent for all her external comforts. Her father may become poor while she yet lingers in the old homestead, or her husband may be reduced from affluence to poverty, at a time when children are springing up around her with their thousand wants, few of which can now be supplied. And worse than all this, death often comes in and strikes down the very prop and stay of life, leaving the widow and mother friendless and penniless.
“Why should I think of these things now?” asks a light-hearted maiden. “If I am to have trouble like this, it will be bad enough when it comes. I will be happy while I can.”
That such trouble, if it should ever come to you, may be lighter and more easily borne, is the reason why it is alluded to now. The sailor, when he puts forth to sea, does not know that he will encounter a storm. But he knows that storms do frequently occur, and that many ships have been lost. With wise forethought, he provides himself with boats, in case his ship should be wrecked; he has all his rigging in such perfect order, that his sails can be furled at a moment’s warning, on the approach of a storm, so that nothing but spars and ropes can be exposed to its fury. By such wise precautions, he is able, if a tempest arise, in most cases, to save his ship and the lives of all in it.
Life is a voyage, and to most of us a rough and stormy one. In commencing this voyage, let each one emulate the wisdom, prudence, and forethought of the sailor. The weaker we are, and the less able to endure the shock of a tempest, the more careful should we be that every thing is right before we push off from the shore.
It is clear, then, that, in the beginning of life, a woman who has less ability to contend in the world, and is more exposed to evils and hardships, should reverses come, ought to furnish herself thoroughly with the means of self-sustenance and self-protection. This she can only do by acquiring some knowledge or skill, the exercise of which will enable her to supply not only her own wants, but the wants of all who may be dependent upon her. There is no time in which this can be done so well as in the few years which succeed the period of a young lady’s final withdrawal from school. These years ought to be employed by all, no matter how high their station, in thoroughly mastering some branch of knowledge, or in acquiring some skill, from the exercise of which, as a regular employment, should necessity ever require it to be done, a livelihood may be obtained.
Those young ladies who have had the advantages of a liberal education will find it only necessary to take up some one of the branches to which they have been giving attention, and perfect themselves in that. To some, music will present the best means of obtaining the desired end,—to others, the languages, and particularly the French language. A good French teacher can always obtain a fair salary; and one well skilled in the principles and practice of musical science will find no difficulty in making her skill available, should necessity require her to do so.
To those who have not enjoyed these advantages, or who have not sufficient taste for music to enable them to acquire much skill, or for the languages to give hope of great proficiency in mastering them thoroughly, some trade, such as dress or bonnet-making, ought, by all means, to be learned. Six months or a year’s devotion to one or the other of these may give the ability, long afterwards, to live in independence, or to keep a parent or children above the pressure of want. A case in point may give force to what we are trying to impress upon the minds of our readers.
Some years ago, a merchant, who had experienced one or two vicissitudes, and who had seen a good deal of the rising and falling of families around him, was led to think of this subject by seeing the wife of a mercantile friend suddenly widowed, and left without a dollar in the world. She had been raised in affluence and luxury, and had lived in the same way until the death of her husband, whose estate proved to be bankrupt. Poverty found her without any resources in herself. She had three children dependent upon her for sustenance and education; but she could do nothing to sustain and educate them. The consequence was, that they were all separated from her: a distant relative took one, a friend of her husband’s another, and the third, a boy thirteen years of age, was apprenticed to a trade; while the mother, almost broken-hearted, sought refuge from want in the family of a poor cousin.
The merchant had three daughters. The two oldest had just left school, and were preparing to come out upon the world’s stage, and take their places as women. He possessed considerable wealth, and was doing a large, and, he believed, a safe business. But he had seen enough of life to be satisfied of the uncertainty of all things, and of the wisdom of making every possible provision for the future.
“Jane,” he said to his oldest daughter, one day, “I have been thinking a good deal about you and Edith lately, and have at last come to a conclusion that may surprise you. It is seriously my opinion that you ought to qualify yourselves fully for gaining your own livelihoods, in case any reverse should meet you in after life.”
Jane was the daughter of a rich man, and had all her life been so far removed from any thing like want, that the idea of ever being in the situation supposed by her father, had not once entered her mind. His remark might well occasion surprise, as it did, Jane looked doubtingly into her father’s face for a few moments, and then said,—
“Is there any danger of such a reverse, father?”
“There is nothing certain in this life, Jane. Out of every ten families raised in affluence, at least one half, perhaps two thirds, are reduced to poverty, often even before the younger members have attained their majority. Do you see that young woman who has just rung the bell at the house opposite?”
“Yes, sir; she is a seamstress, and works for Mrs. .”
“Do you know who she is?”
“No, sir.”
“That poor girl, Jane, who now goes out to sew for her living, is the daughter of a man who was once considered among the richest of our merchants. But he lost all he possessed, and died penniless.”
“Indeed!”
“Yes, Jane. And I could point you to more than a dozen such instances. The tenure by which wealth is held in this country is a very uncertain one. Industry, enterprise, and sagacity in business, are almost sure to make a man rich; but they do not always prove sufficient for the retention of wealth. It sometimes happens that a man goes on, year after year, successful in every thing. Whatever he touches turns, to use a common saying, into gold. Then a change comes. Every thing goes wrong. Men to whom he has sold goods for years, and who have always paid him promptly, fail. He sends an adventure to sea, and meets a heavy loss. Prices fall while he has a large stock of goods on hand. Thus his wealth diminishes as rapidly as it had accumulated, and, in the course of one or two years, the rich man is poor. Still, the instances in which men retain their wealth throughout life are not rare. Many large fortunes are divided among children at the death of their parents. But the instances are rare, indeed, in which these children retain the wealth they have inherited longer than a few years.”
“Can this be really so?” inquired the daughter, with much surprise.
“It is a truth known to all who have lived long enough to make any observations on the state of society around them,” replied the father. “It is only a few days since I noticed this remark in one of the newspapers, founded upon the very fact to which I have just alluded—‘Nothing, after all, is the best legacy a man can leave his children in this country.’”
“Why nothing, father?”
“Because a man with nothing feels the necessity of exertion, and wealth is the result of intelligent, unremitting exertion. But a young man who inherits wealth does not feel this necessity. He rarely makes a sagacious, enterprising, business man, and is almost sure to lose all he has in a very few years. Usually, such a one marries into a rich family, and obtains thereby a good addition to his wealth. But the more he gets in this way, the more extended, generally, become his business operations, and the more certain his ultimate ruin.”
“The picture you draw is not a very encouraging one, at least,” said the daughter, half smiling, half serious.
“But you may depend upon its being a true one,” replied her father. “All that I describe I have seen over and over again, in real life.”
“Then we are in as much danger of being reduced to poverty as any around us.”
“Just as much, Jane. Twice have I lost every dollar I possessed in the world. Years and severe experience have made me more wary and prudent than I was earlier in life, and the chances of my retaining what I now have are quite in my favor. But I shall pass away, long, it may be, before you, and you will receive and commit into the hands of another the portion of my property that will fall to your share. As I have been unfortunate, so may he; and from ease and affluence you may sink into poverty. God grant that it may not be so,” the father said with emotion, “but the chances are greatly in favor of its occurrence. Warned in time, my child, as you now are, if you are wise, you will prepare yourself, while you can, for meeting even such a sad reverse of fortune. You have abilities of some kind, that may be so improved as to be to you a means of subsistence, should all external sources fail. Wisely improve them while you can. The very act of doing so will give you more real pleasure than you now suppose.”
This wise counsel was not lost. Both Jane and her sister Edith had the good sense to understand their father, and the decision to act fully up to the spirit of his advice. To one of them he recommended the thorough study of French, Spanish, and Italian, and to the other music; but the tastes of neither of them seemed to lie much in this way. Somewhat to the disappointment of their father, and the utter astonishment of their gay young friends, Jane commenced learning the millinery, and Edith the dress-making business; and they persevered steadily for a year in what they had undertaken, going four days in each week to the work-rooms of a fashionable milliner and dress-maker, and gaining a knowledge of the art and mystery they sought to acquire by actual labor with their hands.
Five years had not elapsed from this period, before, in one of the periodical commercial revulsions to which this country is subjected, the father lost every dollar he possessed. This misfortune was followed by one still more severe and afflicting; a stroke of the palsy deprived him of all physical power, and shut him up, a permanent invalid, in his chamber.
Soon after the occurrence of these unlooked-for and saddening events, Jane and Edith issued circulars, announcing their intention to commence the millinery and dress-making business, and had them distributed among their old and fashionable acquaintances. The two girls had always been remarked for their exquisite taste in dress: this fact, added to the two others, their reverses, and their practical knowledge of the business they had undertaken, at once brought them as much as their hands could do, and, in a very short time, so filled their rooms with work, that they were obliged to employ from fifteen to twenty assistants. It was not long before their establishment was the largest and most fashionable in the city, because their taste was good, and their skill was equal to their taste. The result need hardly be stated. Neither want nor privation, except such as were imposed by sickness, visited the parent, for whom they had a most tender affection. Their household was not broken up, nor were any of the advantages of a liberal education withheld from the younger members of the family. The income from the sisters’ business was ample for all their wants, and it was dispensed with the most unselfish freedom.
Can any young lady, no matter how morbidly sensitive she may be about the false opinions of fashionable acquaintances, feel otherwise than proud of such representatives of her sex as Jane and Edith ? Did they not act well and wisely? If every young lady, be her station as high as it may, would qualify herself for gaining a livelihood in some useful calling or pursuit, as they did, the yearly reverses that visit so many families would bring far less of suffering, both bodily and mental, than now result from these causes. A man without a trade or profession, who is thrown suddenly upon his own resources, finds it a very hard matter to keep his head fairly above the water. A woman reduced to the same condition is, in every respect, far more helpless. But we need urge this point no further. If, from what has already been presented, heed will not be taken by the young, nothing further that we could say would be of any avail.
To be useful is the highest achievement of our lives, and the only certain means of becoming happy. If every young woman could be made to comprehend this vital truth, there would be far less of doubt hanging over her future. Fewer disappointments, and more of life’s blessings, would be in store for her. If, instead of seeking for pleasure, as the chief object in view, she would seek to be useful in her sphere of life, she would lay in her mind the basis of a true character, that active virtue would build up into a beautiful, harmonious, and ever-to-be-loved and admired superstructure of moral excellence and beauty. Wherever her path through the world might lead her, blessings would attend her way; and, in blessing others, she would herself be doubly blessed.