Banking Under Difficulties/Chapter 27
CHAPTER XXVII.
The Watch Trick.—A Model Bank Clerk.—An Original Love Letter
In May 1870, Thatcher, the well-known comic singer, paid a visit to Hokitika. His local songs (in which he brought in the names of most of the residents) were a great draw. He was particularly severe on a well-known “knight of the hammer,” who waited his time and had his revenge.
The following extract is from the Tomahawk, a Saturday journal of criticism, commentary, and satire:—
“But here another individual of extraordinary talents becomes interwoven with the thread of our narrative, and must share our consideration, being an offspring of Momus, and one of those mirth-provoking creatures that would never allow an opportunity to slip of raising a laugh (and sometimes the wind) at another’s expense. This genius was a musician of the fal-fal-tol-de riddle school, exquisitely clever on the ‘jew’s harp,’ and assisted by ‘a very unfortunate man,’ would convulse his audience by vocal and instrumental sketches of our local celebrities, amongst whom was our ‘worthy knight,’ who came in for his share. So continuous was this satire (often provoked) that a spirit of revenge was fired within his hitherto placid bosom. With the assistance of one who promised to ‘see him through it,’ and a few more kindred spirits (who had become immortalised by this comic minstrelsy), he resolved to repay these jokes and jibes with interest. And as this terpsichorean was about to leave us to our original sober sadness, it was thought a fitting opportunity to carry this plot into execution. A handsome spread was prepared, and laid out in compliment to the departing guest; and with him, also, were invited a large company of the élite of Hokitika, with the ostensible purpose of witnessing the presentation of a ‘gold watch and appendages’ to the ‘chief musician,’ whose musical talents had caused a furore in our quiet little town. Let us now contemplate the festive scene. A jovial party, after the toils of business, had assembled to enjoy one of those hilarious meetings that Englishmen so much appreciate. Gaily dressed was the apartment; flags and flowers, ‘at least of speech,’ were abundant; the viands were choice, whilst the wines, as they sparkled in the uplifted glasses, imparted an unusual glow to the countenances of the guests—animated, as they were, by the hearty merriment of the busy scene. The royal toast of Britons having been duly honoured, it became the duty of the president to propose the health of this honoured guest. Bumpers were insisted on, and drained with the utmost enthusiasm. The gift for presentation had all this while laid incased in front of the chairman, who now arose, and in a dignified and courteous speech deprecated his inability to do justice to the occasion, but desired this highly-honoured individual to accept this ‘small’ token of esteem as a slight proof of the value at which they rated his flight of genius. Unopened he received the proffered gift, with sundry protestations of gratitude for the unexpected tribute to his humble abilities, and declared he would preserve it as a ‘memorial’ of the kindness and support he had so abundantly received. Retiring to his chair, he proposed the health of the present company, when a few satirical remarks and sounds of suppressed laughter caused him to open the splendid jewel case, and, to his great horror and surprise, he discovered the trick played upon him—that the gift was a child’s toy, a mere gilt bauble. If the astonishment was great to the disappointed recipient, it was also great to the majority of the company. A few only knew of the intended treachery, and those few kept their own counsel. Explanations were demanded, but not given, and the ‘wandering minstrel’ put his toy in his pocket, remarking it would please his little child, as well as himself. Discontent soon became manifest, and the hilarity of the evening having become suddenly suspended, the company broke up much dissatisfied with the abrupt termination of the evening’s amusement; but the hoax was attributed, and it is thought justly (though not then present), to our friend the knight of the hammer.”
Bank clerks stationed on a goldfield do not, as a rule, save money; their salaries will not allow them to do so. In the first place, on a rush, everything is very rough; they are compelled through the force of circumstances, to live at an hotel (so-called). The billiard-room is the only place of resort; a game of billiards is indulged in, first for the love of the thing, then for drinks for the good of the house; by-and-by he is induced to try his hand at “pool”; one thing leads to another, until he finds that his small salary is insufficient for his wants; getting into arrears, he borrows money at a high rate of interest, and gradually sinking deeper into debt, till in order to pay his debts of honour, he borrows some of the bank’s money, no doubt intending to return it, when some day he is pounced upon unexpectedly by his manager, or inspector; his cash is found short; he is dismissed from the service, or taken up on the charge of embezzlement and sentenced to a term of imprisonment. But there is an exception to this, as to every other rule. On the West Coast there lived a bank clerk who arrived at a time when things were very rough, and when fully half his income would have gone in board alone had he lived at an hotel. This he determined not to do. How was he to manage? Where could he go? He soon solved the problem, overcoming the difficulty in this way:—He purchased a quarter-of-an-acre allotment in a back street, which was swampy, heavily timbered; in fact a most inhospitable looking spot. On this he erected a one-roomed cottage, and in which he lived for several years. I did not make his acquaintance until he was leaving Hokitika, when I purchased his house and ground from him. When I went up to inspect it, I had a long chat with him. The cottage I found to be 10 ft.x 14 ft. Facing the street was a door, a window on each side. These were pasted over with newspapers, which served the place of blinds. On the left as you entered was a fireplace, which was full of pots and pans. Over the fireplace was an oil painting of some relative of his, and other pictures, extracts of newspapers, and—what struck me us strange—several pieces about misers. In the centre of the room was an apology for a bedstead. This he showed me; it was nothing but palings; no mattress, and very few blankets. Under the bed was a stock of potatoes and onions; at the right of the fireplace a large box containing a really valuable lot of books; under one window a small table, covered with odds and ends. Cords were stretched from one corner of the room to the other, on which were hanging coats, trousers, and all sorts of wearing apparel; close to the back door, an iron tub and a sponge; altogether as nice a litter as one could wish to see. He noticed me eyeing the place, and said, “It has never been cleaned out since I came here.” He then proceeded to give me his reason for living in this style. “When I arrived here,” he said, “I found everything so dear; no place for a young fellow to live but at a publichouse, so I resolved to get a place of my own. I had no friends, and was determined to live sparingly, and save sufficient money, so that if anything happened to me, I would have something to fall back upon. I built the house, fenced the ground, which I have trenched in places 10 or 12 ft. deep; cut down the trees, which have kept me in firewood. All my spare time has been spent on the ground. I worked at it from daylight till breakfast; then I changed my clothes and went to the bank. As soon as my duties for the day were over, I would buy sufficient meat for tea, and come home, changing my clothes, and to work again. If it was raining, I would not get wet by degrees, but take a header into the creek, then work away till dark. When I came in I would take off my wet clothes, have a sponge bath, and then have my tea. I knew no one, and went nowhere. I have been here for six years, have got the ground into the order in which you see it, and am very sorry to part with it. I have gained my point. I was determined to save £1000, and have done it. My living has not cost me on an average more than 7s. 6d. per week.” I was very much interested in this young man’s story, in telling which he omitted to state that although living sparingly, grudging himself every pleasure in endeavouring to gain his object, he never turned a deaf ear to those in need of charity. Several instances came under my notice, when he was asked to subscribe to this charity or that, and in the most unostentatious manner put his name down for £1, £2, or £5 as the case might be, at the same time tendering his cheque for the amount.
It may give some amusement to my readers to give a real genuine love-letter which passed from a would-be Benedict to a smiling Hebe. The first, an active man of about 4 ft. 9 in. or 10 in., weighing about 7 st.; to the second, who was a gay buxom lass of 5 ft. 8 in., and stout in proportion, weighing at least 12st. The damsel did not wish to treat the offer lightly, but showed the epistle to her employer, who laughed at it. The original is now in my possession, and reads as follows:—
“West Coast,
"Hokitika they::2
"of June:: 1870:: 1
"Miss Julie i now take up my pan to write you a intaresting letter and i hope this intaresting letter will find you Dearest Julie in good Health thanks be to they Lord for His goodness Miss Julie i must give you to understand stand that i Have been informed that you Are a single young women And also you are willing to take a Husband in Marrige Miss Julie i Must give you to understand that i am a single young man and i also must give you to understand that i intand For to settle Down up on a peace of land nere Hokitika and get Married so that Deares Julie i want you to let me know if you will concant to be My bride and get married to Me Miss Julie and as I must give you to understand that i am going to they H—otel to get ansor From Mr. Hungerford about His ground and House and i also must give you to understand Miss Julie that if Mr. Hungerford will not concant to Agre to sell me His 20 Acres of Land and House Four Miles from Hokitika up on they same purchasing terms and condishuns as i must give you to know Miss Julie From Me that there is a gantle Man in Hokitike has offered to sell the 20 to 20 Five Acres of land Four miles from Hokitika up on they same purchasing terms and condishions that i can not let you know any more about they land until i sea Mr. Hungerford so Miss Julie i must give you to understand that you will navar get a better match than george Ross Holmes For to joyn in Matter mony with As i must give you to know that i am sober steady young man i must give you Miss Julie to know Miss Julie allso that i am a Native of ireland and allso a Roman Catholic and i must also give you to know Miss Julie that i am from the country lim Rick in ireland Miss Julie i thus give you to know i can turn my hand to any kind of work as i am Jack of all trades and master of one Miss Julie i must give you to know that i am by trade a practical gardner i must conclude as i have no more rume x Miss Julie as i Do not know your uther naim i must allso give you to know that i understand How to shear :: Also can drive :: 7 saven Horses in a mariken waggon ::: i all so can drive 8 working bull-licks a Dray ::: i can also plow up ground with horses i can allso build and save corn allso can build up stacks of corn and than thatch them in allso can build sod Houses and thatch them and can also plaster all kinds of Houses with lime plaster or cobplaster inside they Houses or outside they Houses i allso understand gold mining. Miss Julie i must give you to know from me that their is a young women in christchurch Has offered to put : 70 : pound in my hand a week befor getting Married: if : i: would concant: to become: Dear Husband and get Married to Hur so Miss Julie if you do not concant to get: married : to me and become my: bride Miss Julie i must give you to know that i will write to that young women in christchurch for to com up to Me i must give you to know Miss Julie that you ought to strike they iron when it is Hot as a bird Hand is worth two: in: they bush: as it is not very day Miss Julie you will get a good mate Hin Marriage like Mr. George Ross Holmes so now good by My Dear for the present.”
