Book of Etiquette/Volume 2/Part 4/Chapter 4
CHAPTER IV
ON THE STREET
THE TRUE ETIQUETTE
Etiquette, in its truest sense, is an exponent of self, rather than a manifestation towards others. We do what is right and courteous because no other behavior possibly could be consistent with our claim to be well-bred.
As Shakespeare has said,
"To thine own self be true;
And it must follow as the night the day.
Thou canst not then be false to any man."
Instinctively, and with no thought of impressing others, the well-bred man does and says what is correct. And his manners are as polished and cultivated in his home, at business and in public, as they are at the most formal social functions.
Do what is correct because you are well-bred, and not because some important person is watching you. Then you will truly be following the rules of courtesy.
POISE IN PUBLIC
"Mightiest powers by deepest calms are fed" says the proverb. And Dr. Crane, himself a mighty power, supplements the saying by one of his own—"The silent sun is mightier than the whirlwind."
It is the quiet well-mannered person who inspires respect and liking. The loud laugh bespeaks the vacant mind and noisy, boisterous conduct has a tendency to irritate and make nervous the people who have to come into contact with it. In public and elsewhere you are accredited with as much refinement and gentility as your manners display—no more.
It is a mark of extreme good breeding to be able to meet all emergencies calmly and without uncontrolled anger or excitement. In training in the etiquette of calm behavior, there can be no better test than that of controlling the temper. Do not confuse this serenity of manner with cowardice; for the calm dignity that forbids one to be ill-mannered also forbids one to endure insolence. By learning to control the temper, one develops that kind of poise which is undeniably one of the greatest assets in the social and business worlds.
THE CHARM OF COURTESY
Real culture has a tendency to avoid excessive individuality. Instead, it requires that all people be treated with equal courtesy, whether they are strangers in the street of friends in the drawing-room. And it is this very charm of courtesy that has made etiquette so important a factor in civilization.
"All doors open to courtesy," the proverbs tell us. The "general public" so sadly abused in book and speech, is quick to recognize courtesy and eager to respond to it. Before a pleasant face and a courteous manner, all obstacles vanish, and we find ourselves progressing easily through the world, making friends as we go.
Some of us vainly pride ourselves upon being frank and candid in our association with others. This is a serious blunder which many men and women make. It is not commendable to be frank, when courtesy is sacrificed. Be truthful and just, but do not be unkind. And it certainly is unkind to repeat bits of gossip or scandal, unless there is a special reason why it should be done. How much better it is to gain the reputation of being considerate than the reputation of being brutally frank!
There are countless trifling tests of good manners that distinguish the well-bred. And these same tests prove that a careful attention to the rights and comforts of others, is one of the most decided marks of good breeding. For instance, at the post-office one can immediately discern the well-bred man. He stands quietly in line until there is room for him at the window. He does not crowd. He does not attempt to push ahead of others to reach the window before his turn. He does not interfere with other people's business; he would be horrified at the thought of deliberately loitering near a window to overhear the private affairs of some other man. He is quiet, unobtrusive and considerate, moving quickly away from the window for the next person's convenience. In manner and speech, he is essentially courteous.
It is impossible to be a lady or gentleman without gentle manners. And it is impossible to have gentle manners without being courteous. The word "courtesy" to-day should carry the same meaning of beauty and charm that the word "chivalry" did in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
There was a time, not so long ago, when a most marked reserve was required between men and women in public. But to-day, with the advent of women into almost every branch of business, art and profession, there is a tendency to loosen this social barrier and create a more friendly relationship between men and women. The stiff formalities of a decade ago have given way to a much more pleasing social harmony and understanding.
"Etiquette requires that the association of men and women in refined circles shall be frank without freedom, friendly without familiarity" declares a recent writer on good manners. There is no longer need for the strained reserve formerly felt when women were in the company of men in public. If the correct rules of etiquette are observed, and courtesy and poise follow in their wake, the man and woman in public may be as entirely at ease and unrestrained as they would be in a drawing-room or at an informal dinner.
American gentlemen have the reputation of being more chivalrous than the gentlemen of any other country. American ladies are acclaimed the most charming and intelligent in the world. Thus, when the speaker on the platform addresses the public audience as "Ladies and Gentlemen" the expression should mean something more than merely a careless formality.
WHEN TO BOW IN PUBLIC
To bow or not to bow is often a puzzling question! Some authorities on etiquette claim that "it is correct to bow first to a person of higher social position." Others assert that social position has nothing to do with it, and that it is age alone that determines who shall bow first. The question devolves upon several very important rules that should be rigidly observed.
The first, and invariable rule, is that the woman always bows first when meeting men acquaintances. Her bow assumes the proportions of a simple greeting; the head is slightly inclined, she looks directly at the man recognized, and smiles cordially. To the woman, therefore, is given the privilege of recognizing or refusing to recognize a man acquaintance. However, the really well-bred woman will never ignore in public a person, man or woman, with whom she has had even a slight acquaintance—unless she has a very good reason to do so.
Two young women meeting in public greet each other with a certain degree of spontaneity which consequently eliminates any question regarding the first bow. But when one of the women is married and the other unmarried, the first bow invariably comes from the former. Younger people, of the same sex, always wait for the first sign of recognition from the older person.
Young women who are dance partners or partners at the dinner table with men who are not personal friends, incur the social obligation of bowing courteously when chance meetings are made in public, even though there is no desire to continue social acquaintanceship. Also, when a man or woman has been invited to an entertainment at a house through the good offices of a friend of the hostess, he or she must wait to receive first recognition from that hostess when meeting in public.
Gentlemen meeting each other in public observe the same rule as that outlined for two women,—the younger waits for first recognition from the elder. If both are of the same age, the question of first bow is unimportant. People meeting often during the day need not bow elaborately each time; a simple smile or glance of recognition is sufficient.
It is extremely rude and unkind to "cut" an acquaintance publicly by staging coldly in response to a courteous bow and smile. There are so many more dignified methods of terminating an undesirable acquaintanceship. It is necessary only to keep one's eyes averted, persistently but not obviously if one wishes to avoid greeting an undesirable acquaintance. Or if one wishes one may bow with extreme formality, but a bow and smile in public should always receive some kind of acknowledgement, no matter how severely formal.
WALKING IN PUBLIC
First in importance to remember when walking in public is poise and balance of bearing. The expression "the débutante's slouch" is a direct result of the lazy manner of walking recently adopted by a number of young women. Aside from its bad effect upon health, this manner of walking is both ungraceful and unattractive. Men and women both should remember that an erect, well-poised bearing is more impressive than the most elaborate costume.
A lady does not take a gentleman's arm when walking with him in the daytime unless she is elderly or infirm. It is only after dark that she properly accepts the support of her escort. In this case, she merely rests the palm of her hand lightly within the curve of his elbow. It is extremely bad form, as well as ungraceful, for her to link her arm through his. The gentleman always walks nearest the curb unless on a special occasion when the street is very crowded and he wishes to protect her from the jostling crowds. He may offer his arm to the lady in crossing dangerous streets or to guide her through congested traffic.
When walking with two ladies, a gentleman's proper position is not between them; if it is in the evening, he offers his arm to the elder lady and the other friend walks by her side. There seems to be a mistaken belief that a gentleman walking with two ladies must "sandwich" himself between them, but correct social usage teaches that this is entirely wrong. The ladies always walk side by side.
On no occasion may a gentleman take a woman's arm. Good society regards this as a disrespectful freedom. Thus, whenever he feels that she needs his protection, a gentleman should offer a lady his arm, but never attempt to thrust his hand through her arm. It is not even correct for him to grasp her by the elbow (as so many young men insist upon doing!) when crossing a street.
STOPPING FOR A CHAT
Very often we meet, in the course of our daily strolls, old friends or acquaintances with whom we are eager to have a little chat. This is entirely permissible, if certain laws of good conduct are observed. One should never stop on the street to talk, but should walk on slowly with the person with whom one wishes to converse.
Remember that primarily all conduct in public should be characterized by reserve. While it is entirely allowable to call a jolly "Hello!" to a friend one meets in a country lane, even though one still is fifty rods away, if would be extremely bad form on Broadway or Fifth Avenue—or Main Street in any town. A cordial but quiet greeting shows good breeding; a greeting so conspicuous that it attracts attention is never in good form.
Conversation should be carried on in quiet and subdued tones. Above all, be natural in your speech. Do not attempt to be flowery in your language, or "different" merely because there are strangers around to hear—and admire. And if you do stop to converse with your old friend, be sure that you speak sensibly of things of mutual interest; there is no excuse to stop merely for the sake of exchanging inanities.
Whispering is as rude in public as it is in the ballroom or at the dinner table. Confidential business should not be discussed on the street or in the department store; the proper place for such private affairs is in the office or parlor.
If addressed by a stranger seeking information regarding a certain street or number, show a cheerful and kindly interest. It is perplexing and often embarrassing to be in an unfamiliar town or country, and whatever information you give should be in an interested and courteous manner.
Someone once said, "If you must do a thing, do it with all your heart. To do it half-heartedly is to rob it of all its charm." Let this be your motto in regard to the courtesy extended strangers who seek your aid.
WHEN ACCIDENTS HAPPEN
Gibbon said, "Accident is commonly the parent of disorder." But where there are only people of culture and fine breeding, an accident is devoid of all haste, hysteria or other indications of disorder of any kind. It is the final test of correct manners, this being able to conduct oneself with calmness and dignity even in moments of most distracting circumstances. And besides its cultural aspects, calmness in time of danger or accident is often the means of saving lives.
The rules of good breeding are nothing more than the rules of good sense and these are never put to a more severe test than when an accident occurs. The person who can keep his head during a fire will be much more likely to get out of the building than one who loses all control of himself and becomes hysterical. Presence of mind when someone faints or is hurt or is in danger often prevents a serious or fatal mishap and always eliminates a large part of the disorder incidental to such occasions.
When an automobile or railroad disaster occurs, it is the calm person who is most helpful. And surely helpfulness is one of the basic terms of good conduct everywhere.
ACCEPTING COURTESIES FROM STRANGERS
Ella Wheeler Wilcox, writing about etiquette, said "Etiquette is another name for kind thought. The man who says 'I know nothing about etiquette' does not realize that he is saying 'I know nothing about courtesy to my fellow beings.'" One of the reasons why America has truly been the land of golden promise to so many strangers from other shores, is that there are always so many men and women eager to help, eager to show those little courtesies that warm the heart and rekindle the dying spirit. Etiquette and courtesy are synonymous.
But it is not alone with the giving of courtesies that we are interested. It is important that we know the correct way to accept them. And it is particularly important that we know the correct way to accept courtesies extended to us in public. There can be nothing more discouraging to the lover of social etiquette than to see a man give up his seat in the car to a woman who accepts it without a word of thanks or a smile.
The question has often been asked whether or not it is correct for a woman to accept the offer of shelter of an umbrella offered her by a gentleman who is a perfect stranger. To settle this definitely, we say that it is absolutely bad form for a woman to accept this courtesy no matter how hard it is raining and how important the need of saving her clothes may be. She may, however, accept the courtesy if it is offered by a gentleman to whom she has been introduced at a dinner, dance, theater party, or other social function.
If a woman drops her bag or gloves and they are retrieved by a passing man, it is necessary only to smile and say "Thank you." No further conversation is permissible. But if a man saves her from some grave danger, such as being thrown down by a horse, or run over by a car, it is not only necessary for her to thank him but the woman should ask, "May I have the pleasure of knowing to whom I am indebted?' To offer further expression of her obligation the woman would later send some male member of her family, a brother or husband, to the home of the man who has been of service to her. She should never offer money in appreciation of the service, unless it is evident that he is a working man; and even then she should use tact.
Such courtesies as assisting to pick up bundles that have dropped to the ground, opening a door that has stuck or giving desired information, require only the conventional "Thank you." No courtesy, however slight, should be accepted without evidence of gratification, even though it be but a slight smile.
RAISING THE HAT
When bowing to a woman or in acknowledgment of a greeting, when walking with a woman and bowing to an other man of his acquaintance, a gentleman raises his hat. Similarly, when bowing to a man who is accompanied by a woman, the courtesy is observed and also when a man is walking with another man who lifts his hat in greetings to a friend, whether or not that friend is known to him personally. The hat is also raised whenever a gentleman offers a civility to a lady, whether she be friend or stranger.
Elderly men, superiors in office, clergymen and men of distinction are entitled to the courtesy of lifting the hat. "Hat in hand goes through the land" say the Germans. And "Cap in hand never did any harm" is the gem we find among the Italian proverbs. When in doubt, raise your hat. Surely it is better to be too polite (if such a thing were possible) than to be rudely discourteous to someone.
The question of whether or not the hat should be removed in the elevator is perplexing. Some contend that the elevator is the same as a small room in a private home, and therefore that the hat should be removed. Others just as positively declare that the elevator is the same as the street, and that it is unnecessary to raise the hat. The question of drafts and colds in the head have entered into the discussion—but ultimately all writers of etiquette reach the same conclusion: as the elevator is so small and boasts a ceiling, it may be considered in the same class as a room, and the polite man will keep his head uncovered—especially while there are women in it. The man who is very susceptible to colds may lift his hat upon entering the car and replace it immediately. But it is not courteous to retain the hat entirely.
HOW TO RAISE THE HAT
It is not enough to know when to raise the hat, one must also know the accepted manner of doing it. Profound and elaborate bows are old-fashioned and un-American. While lifting the hat one should incline the head slightly and smile. But it must be remembered that the unmannerly habit of touching the hat, instead of lifting it is an indication of sheer laziness and a lack of gallantry.
"A hat raised half-heartedly is a courtesy without charm" is a proverb well worth remembering. Why raise your hat at all, if you do it only as an annoying duty that must be gotten over as quickly as possible? If you want to be courteous and polite show by your manner that you are polite. A graceful lifting of the hat is entirely incompatible with an unsmiling face. But both together—a sincere smile and a graceful lifting of the hat—are most pleasing to the person for whom the greeting is intended.
Many gentlemen, while speaking to ladies in the street, stand with their uncovered. While it is a polite custom, it is dangerous to the health and therefore should not be indulged in except in warm weather. The most usual method is to lift the hat upon meeting, slowly replace it during the conversation or while walking beside the lady, and lift it again when taking leave of her.
IN THE STREET CAR
"The world is on wheels!" declares a modem writer. "Everyone is going somewhere, and all the world is moving!" And Dr. Eliot of Harvard, in a recent newspaper article, deplores the fact that the "younger generation" is losing in courtesy and good manners that which it is gaining in this rapid onward rush of the world's affairs.
"There is a general coarsening of manners" declares the president emeritus of Harvard University. "Young women expect to encounter rudeness from young men and they do not resent it" and when one watches the rough-and-tumble manners of people in subways and street cars every day one is inclined to agree with him.
The custom of relinquishing one's seat, for instance, is not as marked as it was a decade ago. Perhaps the new suffrage amendments may have something to do with it. Perhaps the war and woman's changed status is the reason. Or it may just be a "coarsening of manners." But whatever it is, we do not find our young men of to-day as eager to relinquish their seats in the car as they were several years ago.
Women should never indicate by word or glance that they wish a man to give up his seat. But the woman who is ill, or who is extremely tired should feel no hesitancy in making the request if her need is really great. When the seat is given, the owner should be thanked for his kindness. This holds true whether the courtesy has been requested or whether it has been spontaneous.
Boisterous action in the street car is inexcusable—as it is anywhere else. The girl of mirthful disposition who laughs loudly may not be doing it to attract attention to herself but merely to give vent to her gay spirits, but it is most unattractive. "All noise is waste"—but it is more than waste in public where it reflects ill-breeding upon the person who is the perpetrator.
ENTERING THE CAR
In ascending a car on an omnibus, a man assists the woman he is escorting by a slight touch at the elbow. He enters after her, finding her a seat and taking his place next to her. If there is only one empty place in the car, he stands directly in front of her, or as near as possible. If a man relinquishes his seat to the woman, the escort must lift his hat and offer a word of thanks for the kind-ness. A smile from the woman is sufficient. In leaving the car the order is reversed; the gentleman leaves first and assists the woman in alighting.
A man pays all fares and fees for the woman he is escorting. But when a man meets a woman in the street by chance and they both enter a car together, he is not under obligation to pay her fare. Common sense has made a rule of its own in this matter, and some men insist upon paying the fare of women they meet even inside the car. But etiquette tells us that only an escort is under obligation to pay the fare of a woman.
IN THE TAXICAB
Here again the woman enters first, assisted by her escort. There is no rule as to which side she should take in the car; she enters first and takes the furthest seat, whether it be to the right or left. In alighting the max again leads the way, assisting the woman to reach the ground safely.
A word of caution will not be amiss here. No woman or girl should ride in a taxicab with a man who is not her escort, unless she has a very good reason for doing so. It is not conventional, and in most cases it is not prudent. The woman with a fine regard for all the little niceties of good conduct, who wishes to observe the rules of etiquette in their truest sense, does not ride in a taxicab with a man, and allow him to pay the bill, unless he is acting as her escort. And ordinarily, a gentleman of polished manners does not ask a lady to ride with him unless he is taking her to a social function such as a dance, formal dinner or theater party.
If the taxicab has double seats, the man should take his place with his back facing the driver, unless he is an old friend of many years' standing. A new acquaintance should not take the liberty of sharing a seat in the taxicab with a young woman unless she has particularly asked him to do so.
SOME SOCIAL ERRORS
Reserve should not be confused with haughtiness. The first is a necessary social attribute; the second is a regrettable social evil that should be carefully avoided.
To be haughty, proud, superior, is to indicate that you hold those beneath you in contempt. When etiquette is based on courtesy and a consideration for the rights and comforts of a fellow-man, one readily sees why this is a mistake. A haughty person is a conceited person. A haughty person is an unkind person. And therefore, a haughty person is an uncultured person.
Reserve, on the other hand, is a calm dignity that comes with the knowledge that one does and says only what is entirely correct. It is that certain well-poised sureness of oneself entirely devoid of all semblance of pride,—yet with sufficient self-respect to attract instinctively the respect of others. Reserve is that which is developed only after close application to, and experience in, the laws of good conduct. Haughtiness is merely a sham drapery used to cover the defects of uncultured manners.
The other extreme of haughtiness is self-consciousness. Both faults are the result of too much self-thought. To overcome self-consciousness, which makes you awkward, easily embarrassed, and ill at ease—think less of yourself ! Think of the books you have read, of the people you have met, of the new scenes you have observed. Take a more keen interest in people. Speak to them. Don't be afraid of them. But most important of all, forget yourself. And before you realize it, you will have developed sufficient poise and unself-consciousness to be confident to appear in the most elaborate drawing-room, among the most brilliant and highly cultured people, without feeling the least bit ill at ease.
"Our personal appearance is our show window where we insert what we have for sale, and we are judged by what we put there." If you remember to observe this bit of philosophy of Orison S. Marden's—not only in drees, but in speech and manners and bearing—you will invariably do and say and wear what is correct in public.