Book of Etiquette/Volume 2/Part 4/Chapter 9
CHAPTER IX
ETIQUETTE ABROAD
THE AMERICAN IN FOREIGN COUNTRIES
The American who goes abroad and expects to learn In a few days the customs, manners and even the language of the countries he visits, is like the proverbial Irishman who comes to America and expects to find the streets paved with gold. Both are doomed to disappointment.
One of the most undesirable features of travel abroad is to be forced to depend upon the half-incorrect interpretations of guides for one's comfort and pleasure. How much better it is to be able to talk to the natives of the country themselves, and to understand them and their ways! A little preliminary preparation before the trip, or while one is on the way, serves as an excellent foundation upon which to build one's knowledge of the language and customs of a foreign country.
Good manners are, of course, universal; and the man who is well-bred in America is sure to be correctly-mannered when he is in France or England. And yet there are slight differences between the etiquette of America and the etiquette of foreign countries. They do not affect one's courtesy or kindliness of manner, but they do affect those daily little conventionalities, such as greetings, farewells, table etiquette, addressing clergy and royalty, etc. To be ignorant of these rules is to be susceptible to embarrassment and uncertainty, and to incur the displeasure and unfriendliness of foreigners of good social standing.
The following paragraphs will, we hope, help the man or woman who is traveling abroad, for they contain all the important details of foreign etiquette. But in addition, we have suggested that those who intend to visit France or Germany or any other foreign country, spend a little time reading about that country and learning a bit about the language. There are many good books available in public libraries and elsewhere, that teach one a great deal about the people, interesting places, and language of foreign countries.
ON ENGLISH SOIL
Perhaps it is because America and England have so much in common, that their etiquette is so very similar. We find that balls and receptions and entertainments, dinners, calls, funerals and weddings, in fact, almost all social functions are celebrated in practically the same manner as is considered best form here in America. The changes are so slight that they are not important enough to mention.
But there is one radical difference between English and American conventionalities that usually cause difficulty to the tourist. We refer to the royal society of England which requires a very special kind of recognition. The traveling American who visits an English court will expose himself to a great deal of embarrassment if he does not know the correct court etiquette—if he does not know the proper titles and their recognition, how to address the King or Queen, how to conduct himself while in the presence of royalty.
ADDRESSING ROYALTY
Although every American tourist delights in being presented at court, or to a royal personage, it is usually regarded as a nervous and embarrassing business—for the reason that one does not quite know just what is correct to say and do. When addressing the King, there are two correct forms and no others that may be used. One may say either, "Your Majesty" or "Sir." There are also two forms that may be used when addressing the Queen. They are, "Your Majesty'" or "Madame." When answering a question put by either of these rulers, one may not use the brief "No" or "Yes." "No, Madame," or "Yes, sir," are the correct forms. When addressing the King, the form "Your Majesty" is used.
All children of the King and Queen are addressed as "Your Royal Highness." This same title is used when addressing the brother or sister of the reigning monarchs, or the brother or sister of the late King. In speaking to royalty, one does not use the simple expression "you," but expresses oneself In this manner, "Has your Royal Highness been to America recently?"
One rule that all Americans should observe when in the presence of foreign royalty is to wait until they are addressed by the persons of rank. They themselves should not volunteer remarks but should enter into the conversation only when they are directly addressed. To use a title of rank, such as "Your Majesty" or "Your Royal Highness" incessantly, is to make it seem superficial. It should be used only when respect and convention demand it.
When presented to royalty, a man Is expected to bow, a woman to courtesy. The hand is never offered in greeting, unless the person of rank makes the first motion. In the presence of the Queen everyone should show some mark of respect—men stand with heads uncovered and women bow slightly. Americans should follow these customs if they do not wish to earn the enmity of their English brothers and make their stay in the country unpleasant. But most of all, they should do it because it is the polite and proper thing to do. Americans should also remain standing at the theater or opera when the national anthem, "God Save the Queen," is sung, or while the rest of the audience stands in respect for a member of the royal family who has not yet been seated.
OTHER ENGLISH TITLES
An American in England is very likely to meet some persons of high hereditary title, if they are not presented at the court itself. When speaking of a Duke, one says, "The Duke of Lancastershire." When addressing him, one says, "Your Grace" or "My Lord Duke." Familiarly, by those who know him well and address him as an equal, the Duke is addressed merely as "Duke." The same rule applies to the Duchess. Formally she is addressed as "Your Grace"; familiarly she is addressed as "Duchess."
The eldest son is entitled to the highest of the lesser titles of his father. Thus, the eldest son of a Duke who was a Marquis immediately before receiving his ducal degree, is known as the Marquis, and is addressed as "Lord Barrie" (if Barrie happened to be the surname of the family). Earls, Viscounts and Barons are addressed in the same manner, when their titles are given them as courtesies, as the eldest sons of Dukes.
The wife of anyone of the titled men mentioned above would be addressed as "Lady Barrie." A curt "No" or "Yes" is extremely rude on the part of an American when answering a question put by the wife of a person of nobility. One should say, "No, Lady Barrie."
The younger sons of a Duke are addressed as "Lord James" or "Lord Sidney Barrie." Daughters are addressed as "Lady Helen" or "Lady Louise Barrie."
A Marquis (not the eldest son of a Duke, but a recognized Marquis by English law) is entitled to the formal title of "My Lord" or "Your Lordship" when addressed by traveling Americans—or by their own country-people. By his friends or equals he is addressed as "Lord Denbigh" or "Marquis." On formal occasions, or by those of lesser rank, a Marchioness is addressed as "My Lady" or "Your Ladyship." But her friends and equals call her "Lady Penhope" or "Marchioness."
Just as the eldest son of a Duke bears a "courtesy title," so does the eldest son of a Marquis. This eldest son is called "Lord Denbigh." The daughters of the Marquis are "Lady Helen" or "Lady Janet," and they are addressed in this manner by their friends and equals. Formally, an Earl is addressed as "My Lord" or "Your Lordship." The wife of an Earl is formally addressed as is the Marchioness. But by her intimate friends and her social equals she is addressed as "Countess" or "Lady Hendrick."
The eldest son of an Earl bears his father's second title. There are no titles for the younger sons of an Earl. His daughters are addressed in the same manner as are the daughters of a Marquis. A Viscount is addressed formally as "My Lord" and his friends and equals address him familiarly as "Lord Roberts." In addressing the wife of a Viscount, one uses the same forms outlined for the wife of an Earl. The sons and daughters of a Viscount, when addressed or spoken about, are referred to as Mr. or Miss Roberts, but when formally introduced, this form is used, "The Honorable Henry Roberts."
—AND STILL OTHER TITLES
The American traveler in England will certainly have a great many titles to remember, especially if he expects to mingle to any extent with the royal society. There are still others besides those outlined above. The following are "lesser" titles, but are used perhaps even more frequently than those given in the preceding paragraphs.
There are the Baron and Baroness, for instance, who are addressed respectively as "My Lord" and "Your Ladyship." Their children have the same titular rank and are addressed in the same manner. The Baronet is addressed formally and familiarly as "Sir Thomas" without the addition of his surname. His title is really only an hereditary privilege. But his wife enjoys the title of "Lady Merick" or "Lady Carol," instead of just "Lady Sylvia." The children of a Baronet have no title.
A Knight is addressed as "Lord Henry" or "Lord James," both formally and familiarly. His wife is addressed in the same form as that used for the wife of a Baronet. The children of a Knight are called merely Mr. or Miss.
ADDRESSING CLERGY ABROAD
Another difficulty that often confronts the stranger in England, is that of correctly addressing the clergy. England is a land of titles, and to be at ease one must know how to place each title properly and pay proper respect where it is due.
In England the Archbishops of Canterbury and York and all the bishops (with the exception of two) are called "Lords Spiritual." They enjoy the privilege of sitting in the House of Lords. Thus, when addressing them formally, the form "Your Grace" should be used. "Archbishop" may be used only by those who are addressing that dignitary familiarly as a friend or an equal. Bishops should be formally addressed as "Your Lordship" or "My Lord," but merely as "Bishop" by their friends. Their wives, and the wives of archbishops, have no title, nor do the children of either archbishop or bishop have any title other than Mr. or Miss.
Following the bishop in rank, comes the Dean, addressed simply as "Dean Harris." His wife is known only as "Mrs. Harris." The same forms apply to the Archdeacon and his wife. Other clergymen—canons, vicars, rectors and curates—have no titles and are addressed simply as "Mr. Brown" or "Mr. Smith" as the case may be.
LAWYERS, STATESMEN AND OFFICIALS-HOW TO ADDRESS THEM
While traveling about in merry England, one may find it necessary to seek legal advice or the protection of a court. The etiquette is slightly different from that observed in America.
The members of the judiciary, for instance, are not spoken of as "Judge Brown" and "Judge Harris," but as "Mr. Justice Brown" and "Mr. Justice Harris." While presiding in his court, the member of the judiciary is addressed as "My Lord," "Your honor," "Your worship," according to the position occupied. In private life, however, he is plain "Mr. Smith."
Whether addressed formally or familiarly, the members of the Cabinet, and the prime minister are simply Mr. Blank, unless they have titles conferred upon them by the King or inherited. In this case they use their titles constantly and are addressed accordingly.
The Lord Mayor of London is entitled to the honorary title of "His Lordship." He may also be addressed as "My Lord Mayor" at social gatherings.
AT THE COURT OF ENGLAND
The social activities of the English Court, and the etiquette governing these activities, should be known and thoroughly understood by every American who ever intends to visit that country. The war interfered slightly with the functions of the court, but with the return to normal these have been resumed with all their pre-war ceremony.
Usually four Courts are held every season, two in the early part of spring, and two at equal intervals later on. This may be altered, however, to suit conditions; as, for instance, in Nineteen-Fourteen there were only three Courts, and in Nineteen-Fifteen there were none at all.
American women who wish to be presented at Court may either be presented by the wife of the American Ambassador or by some English woman of title and position who has herself been received by the Queen. The American Ambassador has the privilege of sending to the authorities in whose hands the matter rests, the names of several American women suitable for presentation at Court. Those who wish this privilege, should register their names at the offices of the Embassy in London, sufficiently ahead of time for due consideration.
In addition to the registering of her name at the Embassy, the woman who wishes to be presented at Court should bring to the Ambassador a letter of recommendation from some member of the American government who is well known to the Ambassador. Then, if the application is accepted, her name and credentials will be sent to Buckingham Palace, from whence invitations will be issued if the Ambassador's list is approved.
Having gained the coveted invitation to appear at the Court of Her Majesty, the Queen, the American woman must be careful that she knows exactly what to wear.
WHAT TO WEAR TO COURT
Before attempting to appear at Court, the American woman should consult a reliable modiste. She will be able to tell her exactly the correct thing to wear at her presentation.
Court gowns invariably have trains, and the head dress is always elaborate. The dress itself must be fashioned according to the style of the moment, and in this the woman must be guided by her dressmaker. For a young, unmarried woman a dress of thin, light-colored material is suggested, unadorned by jewels of any kind. The matron may wear diamonds or pearls, but must not attempt to emulate the gaudiness of a Queen Elizabeth.
The well-bred woman will not feel awkward in the vast room where all the great personages are assembled. She will learn beforehand, just how to enter the room, how to kiss the Queen's hand and how to conduct herself with poise and grace during the period of presentation.
THE KING'S LEVÉES
The American gentleman who wishes to be presented to His Majesty, may arrange through his Ambassador to attend one of the levées which the King holds at St. James' Palace. These levées are not quite as ceremonious as the Courts which the Queen holds, but they require a certain definite etiquette which must not be overlooked.
For instance, the American who is not in uniform, must wear the correct dress prescribed for the occasion. It is known as levée dress, and a competent London tailor will be able to inform the American gentleman of just what it consists. He must not attempt to appear at the levée in any other than these conventional clothes. Slight variations take place in these levee costumes, from time to time, and the American in England should make sure by consulting with a fashionable tailor.
It is wise also, before attending a levée, to have a little chat with a friend or acquaintance who has already attended one, and learn from him the correct way to conduct oneself throughout the presentation.
IN FRANCE
France is a land of polished manners. Here one is either cultured or uncultured. Mistakes in etiquette, divergence from the path of good form, are not tolerated in good society. The American in France must know exactly what is correct to do and say in that country, if he wishes to enjoy his visit.
The brief expressions "Yes' or "No" are never used in France when one wishes to be polite. It must be followed by the correct title, such as "Yes, Monsieur" or "No, Madame." In the morning, upon greeting an acquaintance, no matter how slightly you know him, it is correct to say, "Bonjour, Monsieur." When expressing thanks for a courtesy or for requested information, one says, "Merci, Madame." And the customary farewell is "Au revoir, Mademoiselle."
Politeness is universal in France, One greets shop clerks as cordially as one greets one's best friend. Upon entering the French shop one should say "Bonjour, Monsieur" to the floorwalker, and "Bonjour, Madame" to the saleslady. In the restaurant it is proper to say "Merci, Monsieur," to the head waiter who shows you to your place. The waiters are addressed as garcon, but the waitresses are called Madame or Mademoiselle.
If one happens to brush against someone accidentally, or to get into someone's way, it is very important that polite apologies be offered. To hurry on without so much as saying, "Pardon, Monsieur," is extremely rude, and Frenchmen are quick to notice it. They are very courteous and they expect visitors to be the same.
ADDRESSING TITLED PEOPLE IN FRANCE
"Monsieur le Comte" is the correct mode of address to employ towards a Count in France. A Baron is addressed as "Monsieur le Baron." His wife, however, is called simply "Madame ———."
Officers in the Army are addressed in the following manner: "Mon Capitaine," "Mon Général," etc. It is a decided breach of good conduct to address an officer in the French army as "Monsieur," especially when he is in uniform. When speaking about a certain officer, one may say, "Le Général Denbigh."
The concierge and his wife are known merely as Monsieur and Madame. The parish priest, however, is spoken of and to as, "Monsieur le curé." A nun is addressed alwa3-s as "Ma Sœur."
Be careful not to forget the correct forms of address in France, for Frenchmen are quick to take offence and much ill-will may unwittingly be incurred by the American man or woman who does not pay proper respect where it is due, who does not use the correct titles at the correct time. And the American traveler in France should remember that his manners and conduct in that country reflect not only upon his own manners and breeding, but upon the manners and customs of the country he represents.
CERTAIN FRENCH CONVENTIONS
In France the first recognition of acquaintanceship must come from the gentleman. For instance, if a young American man makes the acquaintance of a young French woman, she will expect him to raise his hat when they meet again, before she nods to him. In America it is the reverse—the young lady has the privilege of acknowledging or ignoring an acquaintanceship.
Not only must the hat be raised to women, in France, but to men also. A young American and a young Frenchman who are known to each other raise their hats simultaneously when they encounter each other on the street. But when the Frenchman is the elder of the two, or the more distinguished, the American is expected to wait until he makes the first motion of recognition.
The American who stops at a small hotel in France for a period of two days or more, should feel it his duty to nod courteously to every woman guest of the hotel he chances to meet, whether or not she is a total stranger. This is considered a conventional courtesy which all well-bred people in France observe. However, it does not serve the purpose of an introduction, and the American must not make the mistake of thinking that this privilege entitles him to address the women guests without the introduction of a mutual friend or acquaintance.
Frenchmen always stand with heads uncovered when a funeral passes, and women bow for a moment. The well-bred American man and woman in France will also observe this custom. Nor will they neglect to remain standing while the Marsellaise is being sung.
DINNER ETIQUETTE
An invitation to dine should be accepted or declined promptly when one is visiting in France. And one may not decline unless one has a very good excuse, such as having a previous engagement, or being called away on the day set for the dinner.
It is considered polite to arrive twenty minutes or a half-hour before dinner is served. If it is a formal and elaborate dinner, evening dress should be worn; but afternoon or semi-evening dress is appropriate for the informal dinner. It is not at all incorrect, if one is in doubt, to ask the host or hostess whether one should wear full dress or not. It is certainly wiser than to make oneself conspicuous by wearing different dress from all the other guests.
In France, the order in which the guests proceed to dinner is as follows: the host leads the way with the woman guest of honor, or the most distinguished woman guest, on his arm. Directly behind him follows the hostess on the arm of the masculine guest to be honored; and they are followed by the other guests, who proceed arm in arm.
According to the latest dinner etiquette in France, coffee is served for both the men and women at the dinner table. But when the dinner is very large and fashionable, it is still customary for the women to retire to the drawing-room, where the hostess presides over the coffee-urn. When men and women leave the dining-room together, they resume the same order as they observed when they entered it.
The American who is a guest at a formal dinner in France should pay a call upon the hostess within a week's time. This call is known as the "visite de digestion."
FRENCH WEDDING ETIQUETTE
Weddings are occasions of solemn dignity in every country, but in France they are perhaps more dignified than anywhere else. Here no rice and old shoes are cast after the bride and bridegroom—it would be considered a most shocking thing to do. Good wishes, politely expressed, are the only good-by offerings of friends and relatives.
There are usually two ceremonies to be celebrated at the French wedding—first the civil, and later the religious, marriage. At the civil wedding, which is held two or three days before the religious ceremony, only a few intimate friends and relatives of the two families are present. But the ceremony at church is a very important affair and all friends and acquaintances of both families are invited to attend. Those who cannot attend should send cards of regret to the bride's parents.
BALLS
Very elaborate and gay indeed are the balls of France. There is, for instance, the bals blancs, at which all ladies are gowned in pure white and only maidens and bachelors are expected to be present. Men guests at the bal blanc wear the conventional evening dress.
At a ball in France, a gentleman may request to dance with a lady without having first been introduced to her. Even a total stranger may approach a lady on the ball-room floor and ask for a dance. But it is considered very bad form for a young man and woman to "sit out" a dance together or retire to the veranda or lawn.
ABOUT CALLS AND CARDS
If one expects to remain in France any length of time at all, it is important that one know and understand the etiquette of calls and cards in that country.
Calls are paid just as frequently in France as they are in America. Between two and six o'clock in the afternoon is the correct time for calling in the former country. One observes very much the same conventions of calling that one does here in America, except that the gentleman wears both his gloves when entering a drawing-room, and that the hostess does not rise to welcome a masculine caller. (However, the French hostess always does rise to greet an elderly gentleman, a distinguished person, or a member of the clergy.)
French introductions are never haphazard, never careless. The hostess introduces freely all the guests that assemble in her home, but she is not, as the American hostess sometimes is, careless and hurried. In acknowledging an introduction, a brief, polite greeting should be expressed; French people rarely shake hands.
The significance of the bent visiting card still remains in France, though here in America it has been almost entirely eliminated. When a hostess finds the card of a friend or acquaintance, with one of its corners turned down, she knows that that friend called for the purpose of a visit but found no one at home. In fact, that is almost the only time when cards are left in France—when the person called upon is not at home. However, a dinner call is often paid by the simple process of card-leaving.
CORRESPONDENCE
The French people are very particular in their correspondence. Certain set rules of salutation and closing are observed, and the margins themselves have a particular significance. For instance, when writing a letter to a French person, a wide margin should be left on the left side of the sheet; and the greater the social prestige and distinction of the person addressed, the wider this margin must be.
A man writing to another man who is an intimate friend begins his letter in this manner: "Mon cher Frederick," or "Mon cher ami." The closing to this letter would be, "Bien à vous," or "Bien cordialement à vous." When the two men are not intimate friends, a letter should begin, "Cher Monsieur," or "Mon cher Monsieur Blank," and should end with "Croyez à mes sentiments dévoués." Strangers address each other merely as "Monsieur," and close with "Recevez je vous prie l'assurance de ma consideration distinguée."
When writing to a woman friend, a man begins his letter with "Chère Madame et ami," or "Chère Mademoiselle." But when he is a stranger or just a slight acquaintance, he begins his letter with "Madame" and concludes it with "Veuillez, Madame, reçevoir l'expression de tout mon respect." The French have very pretty expressions of greeting and conclusion, and they expect every well-bred person to use them.
A woman writing to a gentleman addresses him in the following manner, if he is an intimate friend: "Monsieur," or "Cher Monsieur Brown," and she closes the letter with the courtesy phrase, "Agrèez, cher monsieur, l'expression de mes sentiments d'amitie." Greetings and closings are more formal when the woman addresses a masculine stranger or slight acquaintance by letter. She begins simply with "Monsieur," and closes with, "Veuillez, monsieur, reçevoir l'expression de mes sentiments distingués."
Special forms of address and conclusion are used when writing officers in the French army. A general or commander are addressed in the following manner: "Monsieur le général," or "Monsieur le commandant." The letter should be couched in terms of most exact respect. Tradespeople in France are addressed by letter in the following manner: "Monsieur C.," or "Madame C.," and the conclusion should be, "Agreez, Monsieur C, mes civilités." A servant should be addressed with "Je prie M. Smith (or Mad. Smith) de vouloir bien."
In France abbreviations on the envelope are considered very bad form. M. may never be used for Monsieur, nor may Mlle. be used for Mademoiselle. The full title and name must appear on the envelope.
THE AMERICAN IN GERMANY
The American who finds himself in Germany for the first time is likely to be puzzled and embarrassed by the numerous different manners and customs in each little town and duchy. What is correct in one place, may be incorrect elsewhere. Thus it is impossible to give certain rules of etiquette to be followed by the American in the German Empire. He must be guided by good judgment and by the advice of his German friends.
However, one may be certain of one thing—throughout the length and breadth of the German empire the greatest ceremony is observed in correspondence of all kinds. As great courtesy and respect is paid the stranger as the friend. When writing to a man or woman of social distinction, this impressive inscription appears on the envelope and begins the letter: "To the high and well-born Mrs. Robert Smith." It sounds, perhaps, a trifle crude in the English, but in the native German it is a pretty and courteous phrase and a true expression of respect.
When writing to a person of lesser social importance, as a business letter, for instance, one should begin with "Honored Sir." The expression, "Lieber Freund," should be used only when writing informally to a dear friend. In fact, the same method of address as is used in writing English letters may be used when writing to friends and acquaintances in Germany.
The hours for paying calls and leaving cards differ in the various localities. Ordinarily, the correct time would be between half-past three and half-past four o'clock in the afternoon, although in some localities calls are not considered correct before five o'clock. In Germany, card-leaving should be followed in the same manner as card-leaving in the United States.
When meeting a feminine acquaintance in Germany, the American gentleman does not wait for recognition to come from her, but immediately bows and raises his hat. As in France, he may request a lady to dance with him, at a ball, without having first requested an introduction. And also, as in France, it is considered polite to bow and raise one's hat to the ladies who are at the same hotel, although here again, the privilege does not serve as an introduction.
At all times, men and women in Germany should be given full recognition of their titles and positions. A German woman always enjoys the title bestowed upon her husband. The wife of a general expects to be addressed as "Mrs. General Blank,' and the wife of a doctor should be called "Mrs. Doctor Blank." Men of official or professional rank and titles are addressed as, "Mr. Professor, Mr. General, Mr. Doctor, etc." "Herr Doctor Smith" is the correct German form—and to omit the Herr is a breach of good conduct.
THE PERFECT AMERICAN TOURIST
Unfortunately, there are some Americans who go abroad each year merely because it is the "fashion" to do so, and because they wish to impress their friends and acquaintances at home with their social distinction and importance. These people are wont to let their money talk for them—instead of their manners. But there are many things that wealth will not excuse; and among them is lack of courtesy and breeding.
The American abroad, whether he is traveling for pastime, pleasure or business, should remember primarily that he is a representative of the United States, and that as such he owes his country the duty of making his manners a polished reflection of the manners of all Americans. He must be courteous, polite, kind, gentlemanly. He must conform with the customs of the country he chances to be in, and he must avoid all suggestion of superiority on his part, or disdain for the customs of the other country.
There is a certain fellow-feeling, a certain sympathy and kindliness that can take the place of conventionalities when one is not sure of the customs of certain countries. Perhaps you do not know the French language, and you wish to have a window raised while you are traveling on a French railroad. Is it forgivable to bend across a man or woman and raise the window without a word of excuse, or a cordial smile of understanding? And yet how often do we see this thing done! Many a seemingly well-bred man or woman will raise the window next to another man or woman without so much as asking permission to do so! The proper thing to do when one does not know the language, is to smile in a cordial manner to the person or persons in the vicinity of the window, indicate that you would like to have it raised, and wait until your request is understood and granted before you venture to raise it. Then a polite "Merci," which means "Thank you," and which everyone should know and remember, should be given.
It is not always easy to do and say what is absolutely correct when one is in a strange country among people who speak a strange language. But he who is kind and courteous at all times, who has a ready smile and a polished manner, will avoid much of the embarrassment that awaits the tourist who is indifferent and careless. The proverb, "All doors open to courtesy," is as true in France and England as it is in America.