Folks from Dixie/Mt. Pisgah's Christmas 'Possum
MT. PISGAH'S CHRISTMAS 'POSSUM
No more happy expedient for raising the revenues of the church could have been found than that which was evolved by the fecund brain of the Reverend Isaiah Johnson. Mr. Johnson was wise in his day and generation. H knew his people, their thoughts and their appetites, their loves and their prejudices. Also he knew the way to their hearts and their pocketbooks.
As far ahead as the Sunday two weeks before Christmas, he had made the announcement that had put the congregation of Mt. Pisgah church into a flurry of anticipatory excitement.
"Brothahs an' sistahs," he had said, "you all reckernizes, ez well ez I does, dat de revenues of dis hyeah chu'ch ain't whut dey ought to be. De chu'ch, I is so'y to say, is in debt. We has a mo'gage on ouah buildin', an' besides de int'rus' on dat, we has fuel to buy an' lightin' to do. Fu'thahmo', we ain't paid de sexton but twenty-five cents on his salary in de las' six months. In conserquence of de same, de dus' is so thick on de benches dat ef you 'd jes' lay a clof ovah dem, dey 'd be same ez upholstashed fu'niture. Now, in o'dah to mitigate is condition of affairs, yo' pastoh has fo'med a pan which he wishes to p'nounce dis mo'nin' in yo' hyeahin' an' to ax yo' 'proval. You all knows dat Chris'mus is 'proachin,' an' I rekon dat you is all plannin' out yo' Chris'mus dinnahs. But I been a-plannin' fu' you when you was asleep, an' my idee is dis,— all of you give up yo' Chris'mus dinnahs, tek fifteen cents er a qua'tah apiece an' come hyeah to chu'ch an' have a 'possum dinnah."
"Amen!" shouted one delighted old man over in the corner, and the whole congregation was all smiles and acquiescent nods.
"I puceive on de pa't of de cong'egration a disposition to approve of de pastoh's plan."
"Yes, yes, indeed," was echoed on all sides.
"Well, den I will jes' tek occasion to say fu'thah dat I already has de 'possums, fo' of de fattes' animals I reckon you evah seen in all yo' bo'n days, an' I 's gwine to tu'n 'em ovah to Brothah Jabez Holly to tek keer of dem an' fatten 'em wuss ag'in de happy day."
The eyes of Jabez Holly shone with pride at the importance of the commission assigned to him. He showed his teeth in a broad smile as he whispered to his neighbour, 'Lishy Davis, "I 'low when I gits thoo wif dem 'possums dey won't be able to waddle;" and 'Lishy slapped his knee and bent double with appreciation. It was a happy and excited congregation that filed out of Mt. Pisgah church that Sunday morning, and how they chattered! Little knots and clusters of them, with their heads together in deep converse, were gathered all about, and all the talk was of the coming dinner. This, as has already been said, was the Sunday two weeks before Christmas. On the Sunday following, the shrewd, not to say wily, Mr. Johnson delivered a stirring sermon from the text "He prepareth a table before me in the presence of mine enemies," and not one of his hearers but pictured the Psalmist and his brethren siting at a 'possum feast with the congregation of a rival church looking enviously on. After the service that day, even the minister sank into insignificance beside his steward, Jabez Holly, the custodian of the 'possums. He was the most sought man on the ground.
"How dem 'possums comin' on?" asked one.
"Comin' on!" replied Jabez. "'Comin' on' ain't no name fu' it. Why, I tell you, dem animals is jes' a-waddlin' a'ready."
"O-o-mm!" groaned a hearer, "Chris'mus do seem slow a-comin' dis yeah."
"Why man," Jabez went on, "it 'u'd mek you downright hongry to see one o' dem critters. Evah time I looks at 'em I kin jes' see de grease a-drippin' in de pan, an' dat skin all brown an' crispy, an' de smell a-risin' up—"
"Heish up, man!" exclaimed the other; "ef you don't, I 'll drap daid befo' de time comes."
"Huh-uh no, you won't; you know dat day 's wuf livin' fu'. Brothah Jackson, how 'd yo' crap o' sweet pertaters tu'n out dis yeah?"
"Fine, fine! I 's got dem mos' plenteous in my cellah."
"Well, don't eat em too fas' in de nex' week, 'ca'se we 'spects to call on you fu' some o' yo' bes'. You know dem big sweet pertaters cut right in two and laid all erroun' de pan teks up lots of de riches' grease when ol' Mistah 'Possum git too wa'm in de oven an' git to sweatin' it out."
"Have mercy!" exclaimed the impressionable one. "I know ef I don't git erway f'om dis chu'ch do' right now, I 'll e foun' hyeah on Chris'mus day wif my mouf wide open.
But he did not stay there until Christmas morning, though he arrived on that momentous day bright and early like most of the rest. Half the women of the church had volunteered to help cook the feast, and the other half were there to see it done right; so by the time for operations to commence, nearly all of Mt. Pisgah's congregation was assembled within its chapel walls. And what laughing and joking there was!
"O-omph!" exclaimed Sister Green, "I see Brothah Bill Jones' mouf is jes' sot fu' 'possum now."
"Yes, indeed, Sis' Green; hit jes' de same 's a trap an' gwie to spring ez soon ez dey any 'possum in sight."
"Hyah, hyah, you ain't de on'iest one in dat fix, Brothah Jones; I see some mo' people roun' hyeah lookin' mighty 'spectious."
"Yes, an' I 's one of 'em," said some one else. "I do wish Jabez Holly 'ud come on, my mouf's jest p'intly worterin'."
"Let's sen' a c'mitte aftah him, dat 'll be a joke." This idea was taken up, and with much merriment the committee was despatched to find and bring in the delinquent Jabez.
Every one who has ever cooked a 'possum—and who has not?—knows that the animal must be killed the day before and hung out of doors over night to freeze "de wil' tas'e outen him." This duty had been intrusted to Jabez, and shouts of joy went up from the assembled people when he appeared, followed by the committee and bearing a bag on his shoulder. He set the bag on the floor, and as the crowd closed round him, he put his arm far down into it, and drew forth by the tail a beautiful white fat cleaned 'possum.
"O-om, jes' look at dat! Ain' dat a 'possum fu' you? Go on, Brothah Jabez, let 's see anothah." Jabez hesitated.
"Dat 's one 'possum dah, ain't it?" he said.
"Yes, yes, go on, let's see de res'." Those on the inside of the circle were looking hard at Jabez.
"Now, dat 's one 'possum," he repeated.
"Yes, yes, co'se it is." There was breathless expectancy.
"Well, dat 's all dey is."
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"I SEE POSSUM GREASE ON YOU' MOUF."
"I say dat's all de 'possum dey is, dat 's what I say."
"Whah's dem othah 'possums, huh! whah's de res'?"
"I put 'em out to freeze las night, an' de dogs got 'em."
A groan went up from the disappointed souls of Mt. Pisgah. But the minister went on: "Whah 'd you hang dem?"
"Up ag'in de side o' de house."
"How 'd de dogs git 'em dah?"
"Mebbe it mout 'a' been cats."
"Why did n't dey git dat un?"
"Why, why 'ca'se— 'ca'se— Oh, don't questun me, man. I want you to know dat I 's a honer'ble man."
"Jabez Holly," said the minister, impressively, "don't lie hyeah in de sanctua'y. I see 'possum grease on yo' mouf."
Jabez unconsciously gave his lips a wipe with his sleeve. "On my mouf, on my mouf!" he exclaimed. "Don't you say you see no 'possum grease on my mouf! I mek you prove it. I 's a honer'ble man, I is. Don't you 'cuse me of nuffin'!"
Murmurs had begun to arise from the crowd, and they had begun to press in upon the accused.
"Don't crowd me!" he cried, his eyes bulging, for he saw in the faces about him the energy of attack which should have been directed against the 'possum all turned upon him. "I did n't eat yo' ol' 'possum, I do' lak 'possum nohow."
"Hang him," said some one, and the murmur rose louder as the culprit began to be hustled. But the preacher's voice rose above the storm.
"Ca'm yo'se'ves, my brethren," he said; "let us thank de Lawd dat one 'possum remains unto us. Brothah Holly has been put undah a gret temptation, an' we believe dat he has fell; but it is a jedgment. I ought to knowed bettah dan to 'a' trusted any colo'ed man wif fo' 'possums. Let us not be ha'd upon de sinnah. We mus' not be violent, but I tu'ns dis assembly into a chu'ch meetin' of de brothahs to set on Brothah Holly's case. In de mean time de sistahs will prepah de remainin' 'possum."
The church-meeting promptly found Brother Holly guilty of having betrayed his trust, and expelled him in disgrace from fellowship with Mt. Pisgah church.
The excellence of the one 'possum which the women prepared only fed their angry feelings, as it suggested what the whole four would have been; but the hungry men, women, and children who had foregone their Christmas dinners at home ate as cheerfully as possible, and when Mt. Pisgah's congregation went home that day, salt pork was in great demand to fill out the void left by the meagre fare of Christmas 'possum.