Heart/Good Resolutions
GOOD RESOLUTIONS
The medal given to Precossi has awakened a regret in me. I have never earned one yet! For some time past I have not been studying, and I am discontented with myself; and the teacher, and my father and mother are discontented with me. I no longer take delight in amusing myself as I did formerly, when I worked with a will, and then sprang up from the table and ran to my games full of joy, as though I had not played for a month. Neither do I sit down to the table with my family with the same contentment as of old. I have always a shadow in my soul, an inward voice, that says to me continually, “It won't do; it won't do.”
In the evening I see a great many boys pass through the square on their return from work, in the midst of a group of workingmen, weary but merry. They step briskly along, impatient to reach their homes and suppers, and they talk loudly, laughing and slapping each other on the shoulder with hands blackened with coal, or whitened with plaster; and I reflect that they have been working since daybreak up to this hour. And with them are also many others, who are still smaller, who have been standing all day on the summits of roofs, in front of ovens, among machines, and in the water, and underground, with nothing to eat but a little bread; and I feel almost ashamed, that I in all that time have accomplished nothing but scribble four small pages, and that reluctantly.
Ah, I am discontented, discontented! I see plainly that my father is out of humor, and would like to tell me so; but he is sorry, and he is still waiting. My dear father, who works so hard! all is yours, all that I see around me in the house, all that I touch, all that I wear and eat, all that teaches me or amuses me,—all is the fruit of your toil, and I do not work; all has cost you thought, privations, trouble, effort, and I make no effort.
Ah, no; this is too unjust, and causes me too much pain. I will begin this very day; I will apply myself to my studies, like Stardi, with clenched fists and set teeth. I will set about it with all the strength of my will and my heart. I will conquer my drowsiness in the evening, I will come down promptly in the morning, I will cudgel my brains without ceasing, I will punish my laziness without mercy. I will toil, suffer, even to the extent of making myself ill; but I will put a stop, once for all, to this aimless life, which is degrading me and causing sorrow to others. Courage! to work! To work with all my soul, and all my nerves! To work, which will restore to me sweet rest, pleasing games, cheerful meals! To work, which will give me back again the kindly smile of my teacher, the blessed kiss of my father!