Jachin and Boaz, or, The Free Mason's Catechism/The Laird of Logan's Description of a New Year's Day at Logan House
The LAIRD OF LOGAN'S DESCRIPTION OF
A NEW YEAR'S DAY AT LOGAN HOUSE.
On Logan resuming his seat at the dinner table, the company began, open-mouthed, to rate him for the liberty he had taken: to all which he listened with the greatest patience, till he was expected to reply. "Gentlemen, fill your glasses,and I'll give you a toast: 'may we always do as we ought to do.' You took the liberty of conferring upon me the honour of being your chairman, and I merely took the liberty of adding to that honour, by making you my guests.—If I have done wrong, it was yourselves who set me the example.—I have no other apology to offer; so, here's wishing you all a merry new year when it comes."—"Ah, Logan, Logan," said Auldgavel, "you're the old man, I see, and there's no use talking to you; so, here's wishing you may spend the coming new-year as merry, but much wiser, at Loganhouse, than you did last." "Well, Auldgavel, I thank you for your friendly hint, for though it was owing to a mistake, I hope I shall lever see Loganhouse in such a state again. You must know, gentlemen, that I was from home, and only returned on Hogmanae, when I was told there was no whisky in the house. Now, you know, a man may as weel try to haud a young naig without a tether, as haud new'rs-day without drink; so I told one of the men to go to Kilmarnock for a cask; and what does the drunken idiot do, but takes in the sour-milk barrel, and brings it hame fu' to the bung, that's to say, as fu's himsel;—for he kent so little about what he was doing, that he filled a water-stoup wi' the drink, and left it in the kitchen; as for the rest o't, every one that liked went to the barrel wi' his dish, and helped himsel'. The consequence was, that the men got a' fu', and they filled the women fu'. The porridge in the morning, by mistake, was made from the whisky that was put in the water-stoup; but as none of the servants could sup them, they were given to the pigs and the poultry. The pigs soon got outrageous, and set a-yelling in a manner hat might have drowned the din of a hale reg'ment of pipers, tearing one another's snouts and lugs to tatters. The auld sow, trying to stand on her hind feet (for what folly will beast or body not do when they get a drop in their head) fell into the trough, and a' the rest came about, riving at her as if she had been part o' the breakfast. The ducks couldna' hand a fit. The geese were little better and when such broad web-footed worthies are so ill at the walking, you may guess that the hens and turkeys made a poor shift. Even the peacock and his lady so far lost sight of their gentility, as to become birds of a feather wi' their vulgar neighbours, and screamed and staggered about through dub and mire, spoiling all their finery, that they were lately so proud of displaying. The cock got better, but as for my lady, whether it was the vile mixture she had taken, or grief for destroying her rich dress, (for females you know, have a great regard for fine clothes) I cannot tell, but she never had a day to do well after it, but dwined awa', and seemed to die of a broken heart. Poor thing! It's a serious matter when females, who have been genteelly brought up, forget themselves.—poor Lady Pea! she could never regain her standing in the barn-yard, for every wide-mouthed drouthy rascal of a duck, even when sweltering in a gutter, expected her to be his boon companion.—In short, that morning there was neither beast nor body about Loganhouso that kent what they were doing, except the horses, and they were all as sober as judges; but a horse, as you a' ken, gentlemen, can carry a deal o' drink.
FINIS.