London barber's wedding/London barber's wedding

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THE

BARBER’S WEDDING:

A NEW SONG.

I.

In Liquorpond-ſtreet, as is well known to many,
An artiſt reſided who ſhav’d for a penny,
Cut hair for three halfpence, for three-pence he bled,
And would draw for a groat ev’ry tooth in your head.

II.

What annoy’d other folks never ſpoil’d his repoſe,
’Twas the fame thing to him whether ſtocks fell or roſe:
For a blaſt and for mildew he car’d not a pin;
His crops never fail’d, for they grew on the chin.

III.

Unvex’d by the cares that ambition and ſtate has,
Contented he din’d on his daily potatoes;
And the pence that he earn’d by exciſion of briſtle
Were nightly devoted to wetting his whiſtle.

IV.

When copper ran low he made light of the matter,
Drank his purl upon tick at the Old Pewter Platter;
Read the news, and as deep in the ſecret-appear’d
As if he had lather’d the miniſter’s beard.

V.

But Cupid, who trims men of ev’ry ſtation,
And ’twixt barbers and beaux makes no diſcrimination,
Would not let this ſuperlative ſhaver alone,
Till he tried if his heart was as hard as his hone.

VI.

The fair one whoſe charms did the barber enthral,
At the end of Fleet-market of fiſh kept a ſtall:
As red as her cheek was no lobfter e’er ſeen.
Not an eel that ſhe ſold was ſo ſoft as her ſkin.

VII.

By love ſtrange effects have been wrought, we are told.
In all countries and climates, hot, temp’rate, or cold:
Thus the heart of our barber love ſcorch’d like a coal.
Though ’tis very well known he liv’d under the pole.

VIII.

Firſt, he courted his charmer in ſorrowful faſhion,
And lied like a lawyer to move her compaſſion:
He ſhould periſh, he ſwore, did his ſuit not ſucceed,
And a barber to flay was a barbarous deed.

IX.

Then he alter’d his tone, and was heard to declare.
If valour deſerv’d the regard of the fair,
That his courage was tried, though he ſcorn’d to diſcloſe
How many brave fellows he’d took by the nose.

X.

For his politics, too, they were thoroughly known,
A patriot he was to the very back-bone;
(illegible text) he gratis had ſhav’d for the good of the nation.
And he held the Whig Chib in profound veneration.

XI.

For his tenets religious—he could well expound
Emanuel Swedenborg’s myft’ries profound,
And new doctrines could broach with the belt of ’em all:
For a perriwig-maker ne’er wanted a (illegible text).

XII.

Indignant ſhe anſwered: “No chin-ſcraping ſot
“Shall be faſten’d to me by the conjugal knot.
“No!—to Tyburn repair, if a nooſe you mult tie:
“Other fiſh I have got, Mr. Tonfor, to fry.

{c|XIII.}}

"Holbern Bridge and Black Friars my triumphs can tell,
“From Billingſgate beauties I’ve long borne the bell:
“Nay, tripemen and fiſhmongers vie for my favour—
“Then d’ye think I’ll take up with a two-penny ſhaver?

XIV.

“Let dory, or turbot the fov’reign of fiſh,
"Cheek by jowl with red herring be ferv’d in one diſh;
“Let ſturgeon and ſprats in one pickle unite,
"When I angle for huſbands, and barbers ſhall bite."

XV.

But the barber perſiſted (ah, could I relate ’em!)
To ply her with compliments ſoft as pomatum:
And took ev’ry occaſion to flatter and praiſe her.
Till ſhe fancied his wit was as keen as his razor.

XVI.

He proteſted beſides, if ſhe’d grant his petition,
She ſhould live like a lady of rank and condition:
And to Billingſgate market no longer repair,
But himſelf all her bus’neſs would do to a hair.

XVII.

Her ſmiles, he aſſerted, would melt even rocks,
Nay, the fire of her eyes would conſume barbers’ blocks,
On infenfible objects beftow animation,
And give to old perriwigs regeneration.

XVIII.

With fair ſpeeches cajol’d, as you’d tickle a trout,
'Gainſt the barber the fiſh-wife no more could hold out;
He applied the right bait,and with flattery he caught her;
Without flattery a female’s a fiſh out of water.

XIX.

The ſtate of her heart when the barber once gueſs’d,
Love’s ſiege with redoubled exertion be preſs’d;
And as briſkly beſtirr’d him, the charmer embracing,
As the waſh-ball that dances and froths in his baſon.

XX.

The flame to allay that their beſoms did ſo burn.
They ſet out for the church of St. Andrew in Holburn,
Where tonfors and trulls, country Dicks and their couſins,
In the halter of wedlock are tied up by dozens.

XXI.

The nuptials to grace, came from every quarter
The worthies at Rag-fair old caxons who barter,
Who the coverings of judges and counſellors’ nobs
Cut down into majors, queues, ſcratches, and bobs:

XXII.

Muſcle-mongers and oyſter-men, crimps & coal-heavers.
And butchers with marrow-bones ſmiting their cleavers;
Shrimp-ſcalders and bug-killers, taylors and tylers,
Boys,botchers, bawds, balifls,andblack-pudding boilers.

XXIII.

From their voices united ſuch melody flow’d.
As the Abbey ne’er witneſs’d, nor Tott’nham Court road;
While St.Andrew’s brave bells did ſo loud and ſo clearring.
You’dhavegiventen pounds to’ve been out oftheir hearing.

XXIV.

For his fee—when the parſon this couple had join’d,
As no caſh was forthcoming, he took it in kind:
So the bridegroom diſmantled his rev’rence’s chin,
And the bride entertain’d him with pilchards and gin.