Mrs. Potiphar Pays A Call

by Samuel D. McCoy

SCENE [[— Billiard room of Riverview, city residence of the Prince of Heliopolis, Egypt, overlooking the Pelusiac branch of the Nile — thirty-seven hundred years ago. JOSEPH, son-in-law to the Prince of Heliopolis, is discovered seated; he is a man in his thirties, extraordinarily handsome and well dressed; he is reading a Board of Trade ticker; his wife, ASENATH, reclines on a chaise-longue, curling her lip over some late fiction.|— Billiard room of Riverview]]

ASENATH: (yawning) — Stupidest thing!

JOSEPH: (absently) — H'm.

ASENATH: — Stupid, I say — isn't it?

JOSEPH: — Awfully.

ASENATH: — I get so tired of these Assyrian publishers; they haven't sense enough to use papyrus, and that maid I sent away yesterday let fall two of the most exciting chapters and broke them into bits.

JOSEPH: — Umm'm.

ASENATH: — You're not listening — can't you leave that thing alone for one minute?

JOSEPH: — I heard you.

TICKER: — Click, click, click-click; dick, click-click-click, g-r-r!

JOSEPH: (reading moodily) — December's at seventy and an eighth.

ASENATH: — Are we going to take a cottage at Naucratis this year?

TICKER: — Click, clickety-click.

JOSEPH: (reading) — Three-eighths. (Enter a slave, who presents cards to ASENATH and remains waiting.)

ASENATH: (reading) — "Captain Potiphar, Mrs. Potiphar." Heavens, the Potiphars!

JOSEPH: — Great Rameses!

ASENATH: — I suppose I shall have to change. And it's too beastly hot.

JOSEPH: — No, no; you look very well, my dear.

ASENATH: — What in the world brought them into town in this weather?

JOSEPH: — Are we at home?

ASENATH: — Why not?

JOSEPH: — Well — oh, nothing. Sup pose you receive them — in the audience room, dear.

ASENATH: — I shall do nothing of the sort. They sent cards to us both. They're your friends, you know.

JOSEPH: — I don't feel up to seeing visitors this afternoon.

ASENATH: — Nonsense! You told me five minutes ago that you felt extraordinarily fit.

JOSEPH: — Yes — but that was then, you know.

ASENATH: — They're waiting, remember.

JOSEPH: — I can't see them.

ASENATH: (Turning to the slave.) — Show Mr. and Mrs. Potiphar in here. (The slave bows and goes out.)

JOSEPH: — Asenath! Didn't you hear me say I was not in?

ASENATH: — Yes.

JOSEPH: — Well, I meant it. I can't see that woman.

ASENATH: — Piffle! Why should you be afraid of her?

JOSEPH: (Vaguely.) — Oh, well — you see — (Explosively.) — I don't like her, darn it!

ASENATH: (Shocked.) — Joseph! And you a Biblical character!

JOSEPH: — I don't like her.

ASENATH: — You don't mean to say there was anything in that old story? I never believed it.

JOSEPH: — There was nothing in the story — nothing.

ASENATH: (Suspiciously.) — Then why are you so set against seeing her?

JOSEPH: — I'm not.

ASENATH: (Reflectively.) — If it is true that she fell in love with you and you jilted her, she would be the offended one and not you; yet she doesn't hesitate to call. Joseph, did you tag around after Mrs. Potiphar and get thrown over by her before you proposed to me? Answer me truthfully, for I don't propose to have any woman putting on airs over me!

JOSEPH: (Trying to laugh.) — I assure you that there was never anything between us. I know her, and that's all.

SLAVE: (Appearing at the doorway.) — Captain Potiphar and Mrs. Potiphar.

(The slave goes out; the POTIPHARS enter.)

MRS. POTIPHAR: — Oh, Asenath, darling, I'm so glad we've found you in!

ASENATH: — So glad to see you, dear! How d'y'do, Captain Potiphar? Such a pleasant surprise!

POTIPHAR: — Glad, frightfully, you know.

JOSEPH: (Adopting a hearty manner.) — Mrs. Potiphar, charmed! How d'y'do, Potiphar? Quite like old times to see you both!

MRS. POTIPHAR: — Ah, Joseph, how d'y'do? Why, you're getting a waist line, aren't you? Dear me!

JOSEPH: (Savagely, buttoning his coat over his waistcoat.) — Not at all. Haven't gained ten pounds in ten years!

MRS. POTIPHAR: (Shaking her finger playfully.) — Fibber! You're as picturesque about facts as ever, Joseph.

ASENATH: — Did you come down by boat?

MRS. POTIPHAR: — No; Captain Potiphar wanted to try out his new chariot at touring, so we came that way.

JOSEPH: — Must have been a bit warm.

POTIPHAR: — No, no; made our own breeze, y'know; best chariot on the market.

JOSEPH: — Good, eh?

POTIPHAR: — Yes. Made Cairo in no time; lunched at Shepheard's.

MRS. POTIPHAR: — The hotel fairly reeks with Israelites.

POTIPHAR: (His jaw dropping at his wife's remark, and smiling uneasily at JOSEPH.) — No offense, old man. Not your sort, of course; lot of bounders — • merchants, y'know.

MRS. POTIPHAR — So silly of me to forget!

ASENATH: — Well, we're so glad you're here. You must stay. (Putting her arm around MRS. POTIPHAR.) You know, dear, you and I have never really had a good comfy talk. And you knew Joseph so well before I even had met him.

MRS. POTIPHAR: — Did I really know you well, Joseph?

JOSEPH: (Mirthlessly.) — Haw, haw!

POTIPHAR: — Oh, I say, y'know, my dear!

ASENATH: (With her cheek against MRS. POTIPHAR'S.) — Joseph has told me over and over that when he first came to Egypt he'd have been dreadfully home sick if you hadn't mothered him so well.

MRS. POTIPHAR: — "Mothered"! Oh, yes, I did come out two seasons before you, darling.

TICKER: — Click, click, dickety-dick.

POTIPHAR: — Oh, I say, how's the market today, Joseph?

JOSEPH: — Stronger.

POTIPHAR: (Anxiously.) — Corn, of course.

JOSEPH: — Of course. December's touched seventy-one.

ASENATH: — Oh, if you two are going to talk Corn — Come on, dear; I've some of the sweetest Assyrian drawnwork —

(She leads MRS. POTIPHAR to one side and returns hastily to whisper to JOSEPH. POTIPHAR has stepped to the ticker and is examining the tape with a frown.)

ASENATH: (Aside.) — What is her first name, Joseph? She calls me by mine, and I can't think of hers to save my life.

JOSEPH: — Goos — I don't remember, either. Don't believe I ever knew it.

ASENATH: — Then "Goosie" was just your pet name for her? (She goes back to MRS. POTIPHAR, with a triumphant glance over her shoulder at JOSEPH, whose face shows his consciousness of his step.)

POTIPHAR: (Reading.) — Seven-eighths. Good Apis — seventy-two! Look here, old chap, I hear that Pharaoh's behind this bull market. You know all about it, of course — is that straight? JOSEPH: — Can't say, I'm sure.

POTIPHAR: — Oh, I say, let bygones be bygones —

(JOSEPH lights a cigar without replying.)

MRS. POTIPHAR: — Did you hear that the Princess Hra and her charioteer ran off and were married in Thebes day before yesterday?

ASENATH: — Really?

MRS. POTIPHAR: — Really! But of course you knew the talk — it's been coming on for weeks.

POTIPHAR: (Continuing.) — I'm in this quite a deal, you know.

JOSEPH — You look for a decline, then?

POTIPHAR (wiping his forehead) — My brokers are bearish. Do tell what you think — that's a good chap!

JOSEPH (slowly) — I understand that the crop is to be bigger than ever — bumper.

POTIPHAR — Government report out?

JOSEPH — Not yet; I give you that ahead.

(POTIPHAR looks at him with an agony of inquiry. JOSEPH nods three times, with extreme solemnity.)

POTIPHAR — Say, that's awf'ly white, old man! Sha'n't forget it, y'know.

MRS. POTIPHAR — What a lovely Tem ple of the Sun you have here!

ASENATH — Hush; don't let Joseph hear you. He's so fearfully unorthodox.

MRS. POTIPHAR (smiling dreamily) — I remember when he — (She stops abruptly.)

JOSEPH — You're in Corn pretty strong, I take it, Potiphar?

POTIPHAR — Just between you and me — down to my suspenders.

JOSEPH (smiling) — You Egyptians make us Israelites look like pikers.

POTIPHAR (complacently) — Well, I've always been a man of action and that sort of thing, y'know.

JOSEPH (drily) — As, for instance, when you turned me over to the District Attorney.

POTIPHAR — Oh, come; you know I couldn't help it. (In a lower tone.) The missus raised Ned until I did it. I never believed it of you, old fellow — ridiculous on the face of it. Why should you be playing about with Mrs. Potiphar, a young dog like yourself, with all Egypt to choose from? Ha, ha!

JOSEPH — Still, two years of the stone pile was a bit thick, now wasn't it? POTIPHAR — Dashed if I see yet how you got in so strong with Pharaoh!

JOSEPH: (Smiling enigmatically.) — Shoot a little pool, old man? (They move toward the pool table.)

MRS. POTIPHAR — Potiphar, you can't begin playing; you've that rear tire to see about, you know.

POTIPHAR — Darn the chariot! Let's go back by camel.

MRS. POTIPHAR — And Asenath hasn't shown us her boys yet.

ASENATH — So sorry — they're with their governess at the seashore.

MRS. POTIPHAR — We must be going. Do come in and see us when you're in Memphis. You, too, Joseph.

JOSEPH — Delighted. Same house?

MRS. POTIPHAR — Same house — I'm so glad you remember it. (Brightly.) Good bye, Asenath, darling. Come, Potiphar.

ASENATH— Oh, don't go. Let me ring for tea.

POTIPHAR — Afraid we can't, y'know. Must reach Cairo before dark.

MRS. POTIPHAR — Good-bye. (She kisses ASENATH.) Good-bye, Joseph.

JOSEPH and ASENATH — Good-bye. So glad you came!

(CAPTAIN POTIPHAR and his wife go out. As the door closes, ASENATH bursts into tears.)

ASENATH — The horrid, horrid cat! JOSEPH — Oh, see here, don't be silly!

ASENATH (sobbing) — It's true — it's true!

JOSEPH — Let me tell you — they're as good as busted right now.

ASENATH — What do you mean?

JOSEPH — That ass Potiphar has put his last later on selling Corn. He's a bankrupt today. I own every bushel in Egypt. It will be all over in another week.

ASENATH (checking her tears) — Then you've squared things with her?

JOSEPH — Down to the ground.

ASENATH— Oh, you angel!