Eddie Cantor
Hello. Oh, no. No, lady. No, you're wrong. I'm not Tommy Meehan. Funny how everybody takes me for Tommy Meehan. No, Tommy hasn't got that certain...you know, that I have.
But it's a funny thing, for a man that's good looking as I am, I get the homeliest girls! I just cancelled a girl of mine, yes. Homely? Ha! You've heard about people's faces being wrinkled? Hers was ⟨accordion-pleated⟩.
And she had a very, very nice family, of course they had a lot of hard luck. Yes, her poor father, he died of throat trouble. They hung him. And her brother—lovely chap, but he's gone, poor fella—with good behavior, he ought to be out in 1927 or '8. You know, he used to work at a bank. But no matter how much the boss likes you, you can't work at a bank and bring home samples. Oh, no.
And she was a nice girl. I didn't mind her being homely, but she was so dumb, terribly dumb! Well, there was she was so dumb, they had to burn down the schoolhouse to get her out of the second grade. Can't beat that.
Well, enough about her. I think I'll recite. That's it, I feel poetical.
He was their earnest friend.
He used to sit upon their hives,
But they stung him in the end.