Columns" wakened me, through the figure of a Greek god, or hero—in the nude. The image, a hundred times banished from my soul, came back a hundred times. My sub-conscious uranianism was roused" …
"And next this came. If I studied in my little room, or if I was going to bed, there would recur, suddenly and often, the idea—"If a soldier would only suddenly clamber into my room, by that window there". And then my fancy would picture a handsome soldier, of twenty-two or twenty-three years; and then something would burn within me like a fire. But even then such a fancy was without; definite sexual object. Somewhat later, only, it tended toward special satisfaction. I had never had had any relation with any soldier … had never spoken to a soldier. While in the case of the architectural picture, the sight of the unclad male sexuality had excited me greatly, the idea of nudity in this soldier-fantasy was remote. It was a condition of mind which … existed without an exterior effect. I had never read of man-to-man sexual love, nor ever heard of such a thing. I did not know that it existed. It was a state of demand for sensual love and for the pain of love, but attached to no definite object. I was not in the same situation as had been my more fortunate friend in Vienna, who was of my age, for his story of the Hussar officer had proved more kindly; whereas in mine mere imagination juggled with me. If my soldier-fancy had become life, and had met me in flesh and blood, I would also, have "trembled with delight".
"Not till two or three years later did I come really into touch with a soldier. On a journey, I was alone in the vehicle with the driver. The driver permitted a young soldier to ride part of the way with us. I accordingly sat alone with the young man in the carriage, very close to him. The nearness of physical touch roused strong
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