"The grief of that loss made a strange impression on me; who had from thence onward only trouble and darkness in my soul. I saw Death everywhere; my country became as a land of exile, my own dwelling grew intolerable; and all that had been such a joy when I could partake of it with him became torture, having him no more. Mine eyes sought him everywhere, and found him nowhere; what I beheld instead filled me with loathing, because I saw him in no place, and because each spot which when he was alive had always seemed to say to me "Look, he is coming! You will soon meet him!" now was silent. I did not know myself … I found solace only in my tears, and. they became now for me what had been my friend".
"Behold to what a state of soul was I brought, O my God! Thou my only hope, who dost purify my heart from the stains of these too-passionate friendships, Thou who now keepest mine eyes fixed on Thee, and who forbiddest me to fall into the pitfalls which surround me!… While my friend lived, it seemed to me that his soul and mine were almost one spirit in two bodies. And so when he was dead, life became a horrible thing to me, inasmuch as I could not grow wonted to life without the other half of my soul … What madness it is not to know how to love mankind as we should love all that must die! My heart was utterly torn, bleeding; I knew not what to do. The cool shades of the woods, sports and music, perfumes, good cheer, whatever in the commerce of love is most potent to impress our senses, books or poetry, in short all that had been life to me, without him now became hateful and as naught save something for sighs and tears."[1]This is the language of pagan homosexualism, of pagan-philosophy, much more than the utterance of ascetic, Christian self-rebuke. Augustine reverts to this early passion as if its human sweetness suddenly exhaled into the air of his cell; as if for a moment he was again the young uranian man of the world, not a Christian saint. His outcry as to why we cannot better regulate our hearts has its eternal echo in the Uranian soul.
A bibliography of references to similisexualism in the early ecclesiastical fathers and commentators presents many works of importance in considering the cloistered homo-
- ↑ Transl. X. M.
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