an evil hour we parted … Everything was at an end between us save friendship. All the joy that I had pictured as mine only, was now given to his betrothed; those eyes that were the light of my life, those kisses that had been mine—! Such thoughts whirled, about in my mind till I used to cry aloud in my despair. I had my Christian faith, I turned to God—but another image, my unfaithful beloved, came between God and me!..…
I asked for one final interview. He could not refuse it. He came. We faced each other, both trembling with excitement, hardly daring to look into each other's eyes.
"What do you demand of me?" he asked. "I am certainly in duty bound to be grateful to you, and because of your great kindness to me, I wish to forget now many things that have passed between us. But do not demand too much,—what goes beyond human power! Speak!"
I caught his hand, stretched out against me. "Listen to me," I said, "you have always been my ideal of honour, my pride. That 'weakness' as you call it, which made you willing to belong to me, my own immeasureable love for you, perhaps these things have now you feel made dishonoured, lowered you in your own eyes. You perhaps think now that I have had only a lower sort of longing in seeking your love. That would be the most fearful of errors! You think that you are far higher than I, because I am your slave, your creature. But, Bruno, has not the nobler part of my love any influence on you? Oh, yes, it is a punishable passion … You could be guilty of a great crime; I should love you, all the same, like a god: you could draw to yourself the hate contempt and of all the world, but I should defend you against it all … You see how unspeakably I love you! I have no other thought, no breath of life, except—you! Bruno, this marriage of yours is impossible. It will kill me. Take pity on me" …… Sobs choked my voice.
He was moved. In deep anxiety, I looked into his eyes,- like a criminal awaiting a sentence. Then he bent over me, and took my face between his hands, and kissed me. "You are a big, big child" he answered gently. "I shall always, always feel kindly toward you! But oh, do, do, get rid of this morbid mania for me. Believe me, it must be pathologic—curable. Recover your self-control. I have pledged my word as to my marriage. You know that I am an out-and-out man—I have never been able to understand your—adoration for me. Think over the whole matter. You have such a warm heart, you too must find some girl or other who will be exactly the one for you. And you must come to know my betrothed, also. She is a pure, gentle creature, she loves me so chastely—— 546 —
