48 Prayers and Meditations.
This day has been past in great perturbation, I was distracted at church in an uncommon degree, and my distress has had very little intermission. I have found myself somewhat relieved by reading, which I therefore intend to practise when I am able.
This day it came into my mind to write the history of my melancholy. On this I purpose to deliberate. I know not whether it may not too much disturb me- 1 .
I this day read a great part of Pascal's Life 2 .
Almighty and most merciful Father, Creator and Preserver of mankind, look down with pity upon my troubles and maladies. Heal my body, strengthen my mind, compose my distraction, calm my inquietude, and relieve my terrours, that if it please thee, I may run the race that is set before me with peace patience constancy and confidence. Grant this O Lord, and take not from me thy Holy Spirit, but pardon and bless me for the sake of Jesus Christ our Lord.
77.
Jan. i, 1769, 24 after 12.
1 am now about to begin another year, how the last has past, it would be in my state of weakness 4 perhaps not prudent too solicitously to recollect. God will I hope turn my sufferings to my benefit, forgive me whatever I have done amiss, and having vouchsafed me great relief, will by degrees heal and restore both my mind and body, and permit me when the last year of my life shall come, to leave the world in holiness and tranquillity.
I am not yet in a state to form many resolutions ; I purpose and hope to rise early in the morning, at eight, and by degrees at six ; eight being the latest hour to which Bedtime can be properly extended, and six the earliest that the present system of life requires 5 .
1 He wrote to Boswell, twelve years 2 He gave Boswell Les Penstes de
later : ' Make it an invariable and Pascal. Post, p. 87.
obligatory law to yourself never to 3 Ante, p. 42, n. i.
mention your own mental diseases ; 4 On his next birthday he records :
if you are never to speak of them ' The last year has been wholly
you will think on them but little, and spent in a slow progress of recovery.'
if you think little of them they will 5 Six years later, in the month of
molest you rarely.' Life, iii. 421. June, he wrote to Mrs. Thrale from
Almighty
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