image of my grandmother in her weeds and mysterious cap was so inseparably connected with the place, that I almost expected to find her revived and occupying the black leathern chair, which still stood in its accustomed place. My father, who had only lately arrived there, was sitting at the same table at which I parted with him when I left home. It was now covered with bills and account-books. He raised his eyes when I entered, and held out his hand much as if that parting had taken place the week before; but I observed that he changed colour, and that the hand he gave me shook; and as my own want of confidence and his past conduct forbad me to suppose the source of this agitation was joy or tenderness, I attributed it to aversion, and my demeanour took its tone accordingly. Instead of looking him in the face, and freely answering the few questions he asked me, I cast down my eyes and muttered out “yes” and “no,” not knowing very well which was which; and as I was very tall of my age, I had, no doubt, the air of a stupid sullen lout. My father looked hard at me, perhaps seeking to discern whether there was anything better behind than these external manifestations promised; but I am afraid he saw nothing, my self-distrust and awe of him sitting like an incubus on my shoulders; so he heaved a sigh, and bade me go up-stairs and prepare for dinner.
I found the establishment greatly reduced; but amongst those that remained I was rather surprised to observe my former enemy Phibbs, who, I thought, looked twenty years older than when I last saw him.
I remained about six weeks at Elfdale, during which time the intercourse between my father and myself never assumed the ease and familiarity that could have rendered it agreeable to either party; however, we did not quarrel, for I was a quiet boy, and I found books enough in the library of an amusing description to keep me occupied. At the end of this time we crossed the channel, and I was placed at St. Omer to continue my studies and learn French. Here I formed the acquaintance of several young men who were there for the same purpose, English as well as natives, under whose auspices I was inducted into the usual pleasures and pursuits of youth; and here I, for the first time, began to assume somewhat the tone and manners of the world. There was a French family of rank in the neighbourhood to whose good offices my father had recommended me. This led to other acquaintances; and as I was always introduced as the heir of a distinguished house, I was well received, and fêted accordingly. In short, at the end of the term I spent at the college, I fancy nobody would have recognised in me the timid, slouching boy that my father had brought there; though I fear my old faults were rather in abeyance than extinguished.
Amongst other things that I had learnt, I had learnt that I was the heir of Elfdale and a person of consequence, and with that information came the conviction that I was a free member of society, master of my own actions, and not bound to consider anybody’s gratification but my own. I was independent of my father, who could not disinherit me if he would; and I owed him nothing, for he had done nothing for me but the bare cold duty of feeding, clothing, and educating me. As for his loving me as I observed some parents loved their children, I had never seen the slightest symptoms of it, and certainly I had no love for him; nor I fear for any one; although I had that sort of liking for some of my young companions that in school and college is dignified with the name of friendship.
At the same time, I had no evil intentions. Nature had left me tolerably free of vicious inclinations; and except a little lying, which had been taught me by terror very early in life, my moral character had stood well both at Mr. Carter’s and St. Omer. But my temper was sullen and suspicious—sournois, the French called me; and although these faults were in some degree modified as I grew to manhood, the germs of them, if not born with me, were too deeply implanted in infancy to be afterwards eradicated. The strongest passion I had was to be my own master, and the greatest enjoyment I was sensible of was the feeling that I was so; my early years of subjection at home, and even at Mr. Carter’s, having inspired me with hatred of authority. Not that I designed to make any ill use of my liberty, but I hugged myself with exulting selfishness when I felt I was the slave of other people’s wills no longer, and that I need not even obey my father if I did not like it; for being now one-and-twenty, I found I was to be put into possession of a little estate which devolved to me by the death of my mother, which circumstance had taken place some time previously, although I had never been made acquainted with it. The property had been bequeathed to her by an aunt subsequent to her marriage.
As my father’s presence and mine were necessary in England on this occasion, he came from Pau, where he usually resided, and we crossed the channel together. Although I could not altogether conquer the awe I felt in his presence, I took a pride in concealing it, and in the endeavour to do so, I fancy I assumed a somewhat exaggerated air of manhood and independence, since he threw out some severe animadversions on vulgar swagger and self-importance, which were not thrown away upon me; and I exchanged these characteristics for a quiet, imperturbable demeanour which more gracefully veiled my self-will and determination to do as I pleased.
When our business was settled, my father informed me that a gentleman who had dined with us once or twice at the coffee-house where he lodged, was engaged as my travelling tutor; and that his (my father’s) intention was, that I should set off immediately on the grand tour. Now, as far as the grand tour went, this was exactly my own intention, though I did not like having it imposed upon me, and the idea of a tutor was by no means agreeable, although the man himself pleased me as a companion. However, I thought it was not worth a dispute, even had I courage to enter on one with my father, since, if he assumed any airs of authority, I could throw him over, and, in short, dismiss him.
My father said he was going to Elfdale, and we took leave of him in London the evening before we were to start for the continent. After