12th. That subjection to another’s will is the inevitable lot of weak minds.
Corollary. Old maids and old bachelors, therefore, are only impaled on other quills of the social porcupine.
The G.C.s, conscious as they are of writhing under the infliction of unmerited wrong, cheerfully acknowledge the great truth that, as there are two sides to every story, so there are, preeminently, two sides to the unhappy tale of connubial blisters. The G.C.’s can contemplate, and admit, the existence of a sister band of F.G.C.s, and they think that the world would be much the gainer if the real wrongs of the true F.G.C.s were fairly set forth in a calm and philosophic spirit, but not in the pantomimic way now in use at Westminster—where the immediate object is the destruction of a single and, it may be, an inoffensive husband.
It was agreed, after considerable discussion, that the order of reference to the Committee should include the consideration of reported cases of Connubial Bliss; Mr. Brown simply observing, that he did not think the point worth arguing, for the Committee would not be troubled with much evidence of that kind. Would it be possible to secure the assistance of Messrs Lamb and Rackem? Grave doubts existed as to the policy of such a step, for would it be well to let such a wolf as Lamb in upon their little tranquil fold—upon that green oasis in the wilderness of their married lives—that one bright spot in their existence? What if Mr. Lamb should rout them out, and drag them before the Court at Westminster, and expose the secrets of their last retreat? It was finally decided that it should be competent to the Committee to direct one of their number to seek the acquaintance of Mr. Lamb, and to obtain his confidence over the festive board, and that Mr. Lancelot Knocker, G.C., should be a Sub-Committee for this purpose. Mr. L. K. was a man of the most jovial appearance, whose home was rendered unbearable to him by Mrs. K.’s seriousness.
The Committee were named as follows: Mr. Brown (the Avenger), Chairman; Mr. Lancelot Knocker, Mr. Ambrose Goodbody, Mr. Josiah Meek, Mr. Martin Wriggles—three to be a quorum.
They were finally informed that the Club looked to them, not so much for a recital of their personal adventures in search of information, as for bonâ fide contributions to the science of Connubial Pathology, which it was the well-considered purpose of the Club to raise henceforward to the rank of one of the Inductive Sciences. What they required from their Committee was facts, not opinions—facts, the only true basis of theory.
Per B. the A., Chairman.—You shall have the facts; you shall have them, gentlemen—plenty as blackberries.
Above all, the Committee were implored to dismiss from their minds all literary nonsense which had been written on the tender passion, and to look at men and women as they are, not what they appear to be to the crazed imagination of the Novelist or the Poet. The G.C.s had noticed, not without feelings of great dissatisfaction, the systematic efforts made by that class of writers to represent human life as an opium dream, and to impress upon the mind of the female population of these realms the mistaken notion that a quarter of an hour’s delirium can be taken as a fair sample of the necessities of a form of existence in which the presence of Chancellors of the Exchequer, weekly bills, and occasional colds in the head, cannot be wholly ignored. Admitting, at the same time, to its fullest extent, the undoubted truth, that husbands are far inferior, as a class, to wives in personal attractions, the G.C.’s deplore the continuous and studious efforts made by modern writers of what may pre-eminently be called “fiction,” to depreciate them in public estimation, as a set of mere ruffians. Ugly they may be, but that is not their fault, and they would humbly submit that they are not therefore wholly destitute of claims upon the sympathy of the human race.
Such was the general form of the instructions given to their committee by the G.C.s in solemn conclave assembled upon that eventful night; but it was clearly understood that the special directions should not be taken as limiting the discretion of their representatives, if they should see fit to bring before the notice of the general meetings, held from time to time to take their reports into consideration, any suggestions for the improvement of married life—any philosophical disquisitions upon the origin and progress of evils which all deplored. For example, the G.C.s would gladly receive information upon the manner in which female education was conducted throughout the country. They would watch the future British matron from her cradle to her school-room; from the schoolroom to the “seminary;” from the seminary to the finishing school. They would inquire into the way in which her tastes were engendered, her habits formed, her pursuits selected, until that awful result was produced which rendered the G.C. Club one of the most valuable institutions in the country—a safety-valve, without which the Social Boiler would infallibly burst and be shivered into atoms.
When the business was disposed of, an acolyte was summoned, the crystal vases were replenished, the censers were again swung round so that the air was heavy with aromatic fragrance, and the members relapsed into High Jinks. First it was proposed that they should play at “les petits jeux innocens!”
Mr. Josiah Meek entertained the company with a chaste imitation of the manner in which he was commonly received within his own castle when the period of his absence had not been sufficiently accounted for. It was beautiful to see the look of contemptuous surprise with which he was greeted, and to hear the intimation given by Mrs. M. that she had not expected him till 3 a.m., and had given orders accordingly to the servants to retire, as she herself would sit up for their master, to comfort him on his arrival. Then there was a gentleman, a certain Mr. Ambrose Goodbody, whose domestic tortures appeared to be of a peculiar kind. Mrs. G. was a lady of a literary turn, and amused her leisure, and, as she asserted, added to the family income, by writing works upon the social condition of Eng-