squeezed my hand under the table in a very friendly manner.
Now I must say that the latter part of Mr. Chairman’s extempore oration, in which he had alluded to my services, did not exactly thrill me with feelings of unmixed delight; for he had allotted to me a very secondary part in the important discovery which had been made—namely, the absence of gold in the Victoria Gold Mine; and as I had piqued myself on being the originator of the said important discovery, I thought it very unpaternal in him not to give me credit for the same; added to which, the very unfraternal behaviour of my confrères Messrs. Zed & Ex towards me had excited legitimate feelings of resentment in my bosom.
So I reciprocated the pressure of the chairman’s fingers, cleared my throat, and delivered the following memorable address:—
Gentlemen,—Accustomed as I am to public speaking—(which was perfectly true, for to public speaking I owe some of the sweetest naps I ever enjoyed)—I find it a matter of great difficulty to account for the unfortunate delusion under which all assembled here have been labouring for the last six months. I went down to the Victoria mine in August, and proved it, as per report, to contain no more gold than is to be found in traces everywhere, even in sea water. It took me two days to make this discovery, and I immediately begged the directors to allow me to return to London. They were anxious, however, that everything should be done which could be done, no stone left unturned, no useless expense spared which—(kicks under the table)—I mean no useless expense incurred, and insisted on my remaining at the mine: so I obeyed their orders, in spite of my own conviction; and I believe that literally every stone on that mine has not only been turned, but reduced into an impalpable state by the experiments which the directors suggested, experiments which ought to have drawn blood from any stone, gentlemen. There was one instrument in particular, invented by—(here the military gentleman’s foot came down on mine with a crash)—an instrument, in short, which revolved on its axis for nearly a month, with a persistency that was quite pathetic; but in spite of its great merit, it was not exactly calculated to find a mineral which did not exist, and it failed to do so, probably owing to that very reason.
The only cause to which I can ascribe this extraordinary and, to me, monstrous deception, is a certain phenomenon over which I have puzzled in vain, gentlemen, and which Messrs. Zed and Ex may possibly be able to explain to you; I allude to the fact that gold was found to exist abundantly in the samples which were sent up to London for analysis.
Messrs. Zed and Ex have had much greater experience than I can boast; they were sent down to the mine repeatedly before I was employed; their remuneration was in proportion to the very high standing they occupy in the scientific world, as was also the unlimited confidence with which they managed to inspire the directors. Their numerous experiments, and the various quartz-crushing machines they have invented, and which are now lying all over the mine in a very rusty state, have cost you nearly 3000l.; and upon my honour, gentlemen, I can no more account for the positively ludicrous incompetency they have shown, to say the least, than I can for the wonderful simplicity of the directors, or the monstrous absurdity of the whole affair from beginning to end!.....
At this particular point the faces of Messrs. Zed and Ex grew so like my caricature of them, that my gravity being disturbed, I completely lost the thread of my discourse, and was obliged to bring it to an abrupt termination.
The shareholders who had emphasised certain little passages towards the close of my harangue, by occasional “hear—hears,” applauded with an energy that was flattering to nobody but me.
I cast an appealing look round the board, and the general expression of the faces which I saw there convinced me that I had somehow forfeited the regard of the directors, and made two very enthusiastic enemies of Messrs. Zed and Ex—in fact, that the place was getting rather hot for me; so I inquired of the chairman if he had any further questions to ask, and on his rather hurried reply in the negative, I pleaded important mining business to attend to, and left the room with a bow, which I tried to make as much like that of my friend the engineer, as possible.
A stormy discussion, audible in the street without, arose immediately after my departure, and I have no doubt the meeting was carried on after a very lively fashion, and that many remarks were elicited which were not of a very soothing nature to all parties concerned.
I, for my own part, felt tolerably happy, and did not experience any loss of appetite; I even sang with great brilliancy of execution at another musical party to which I was invited that evening.
On the morrow I was startled by receiving a very cold and concise letter from the board, stating that my services would be dispensed with for the future, and enclosing a cheque, for which it requested my acknowledgment. The chairman had written no apposite quotation from the Greek on the back of it, to temper the bitterness of my congé. But I found consolation in the cheque, and in the wonderful sensation of having blundered on to what appeared to me the right thing in this particular business, in spite of my inaptitude for business generally.
So I went down to the sea-side to recruit my health, and enjoy the approbation of my family. My father laughed very heartily at my description of the meeting of the shareholders, and told me that I had put my foot in it up to the arm-pits—which was his way of expressing that it was all right. My mother and sister were enthusiastic in their commendations—and I felt that my late experiences had fitted me morally to undergo the operation of shaving, in spite of all physical deficiency; and as that had been the object of my ambition for the last few months, I obtained the permission of my dear papa, and adopted the harmless habit forthwith.
It may be interesting to the reader to know that when I returned to town, the affairs of the Victoria Gold and Copper Mining Company had been wound up, and that the mine itself had entirely changed hands. At the present moment it is paying a handsome dividend, having been worked very successfully for copper, under another name.
Query: How did the gold get into the samples?
Moral: The mysteries of science are inscrutable to the uninitiated mind.
