“I almost believe that the above-mentioned disgusting imagery is only the evil result of constant want of normal satisfaction,—i.e., of my normal satisfaction as an urning; and that with a regular satisfaction, body to body, the imagery that becomes almost insane would be less intense, and certainly would not go to such extravagance. Or it is the ultimate result of an attempt at abstinence; for these idiotic, sensual images only come after a long period of it.
“I believe, indeed, that, under other social conditions, I should be capable of great and noble love and self-sacrifice. My thoughts are in no way exclusively carnal or diseased. How often, at the sight of a handsome young man, a deep feeling of impatience seizes me, and I breathe at once the sweet words of Heine:—
“‘Du bist wie eine Blume, so hold, so schön, so rein,’ etc.[1]
“And once, when I was compelled to part with a young man who had honored and valued me as his friend and protector, though my love had remained unknown to him, those fine verses by Scheffel kept passing through my mind, especially the last,—mutatis mutandis:—
“‘Grau wie der Himmel, steht vor mir die Welt,
Doch wend’ es sich zum Guten oder Bösen,
Du, lieber Freund, in Treuen denk’ ich Dein!
Behüt Dich Gott! es wär’ zu schön gewesen,
Behüt Dich Gott, es hat nicht sollen sein!’[2]
“I have never independently revealed my love to a young man, and have never spoiled or injured one morally; but I have, now and then, made the way easy for many. Under such circumstances, nothing is too much trouble, and I obtain victims as only I can.
“When I have an opportunity to have such a beloved friend about me, to educate, protect, and help, if my recognized love find a (natural, unsexual) return, then all my disgusting mental imagery grows less and less intense; then my love becomes almost platonic and ennobled, to sink again into the mire when this worthy satisfaction is removed.
“As for the rest, and without over-estimating myself, I may say that Iam not one of the worst of men. Brighter mentally than the average man, I take interest in all that moves humanity. I am amiable, and easily moved to pity, and am incapable of doing any animal, much less a man, an injury; but, on the contrary, do good wherever I can.
“When I have nothing to reproach myself with in my own conscience, and must, at the same time, set myself in opposition to the- ↑ “Thou art like any flower, so sweet, so beautiful, so pure,” etc.
- ↑ “Lowering like the heavens, frowns the world on me,
Yet blest or cursed will be the fate I meet.
With trusting heart, dear friend, I think of thee!
God keep thee, dear! it would have been too sweet!
God keep thee, dear! such happiness was not to be!”
